Have you had your feelings hurt by someone on this site?

[cadmiumblue]

I didn't say there aren't posts here that don't get deleted that may be painful to someone, I said I don't see anything I would consider hostile being left by the mods. I consider hostile a few degrees more serious than painful. My point is that what OP considered hostile is subjective and if the mods agreed with her that it was hostile, they would have deleted it. Since they didn't, I'd say it was a problem of her perception - she perceived it as hostile, though the mods didn't agree.

 

It was a PM.

 

Do you have something to contribute here, or are you just stepping in to devalue my opinion/feelings?

[RedDress]

I've (unintentionally) hurt and been hurt. I've helped and been helped.

 

I try to think of it this way... sometimes, while the actual message is directed at you, it's not actually directed at you. I don't know your situation (I don't think) - but maybe that girl saw herself in that post and was going through the same situation in reverse. Maybe she is yelling at you because she has issues and can't yell at her ex, yanno?

 

You kind of don't know who you are dealing with and their individual struggles.

 

For what it's worth - someone PM'd me once to tell me I was a cruel, horrible person. Now... I mean... I'll take responsibility where responsibility is due. Sometimes, I'm sure, things don't come out quite right or harsher than intended. But a "cruel, horrible" person? Hardly. My intent was to help. Honestly? I think she was fighting her own demons and didn't like my advice because it meant she had to do something about it. I just stopped acknowledging her existence. (lol!)

 

Aside from that - I also agree that sometimes, yanno, it's just different styles. Some people need a hug. Some people need a kick in the butt (in a respectful way). Different people respond to different things.

 

I agree you just have to pick and choose. Decide which people make sense and which people are having a whole different conversation with you that you don't even know about...

[cadmiumblue]

It was more like this person wanted me to agree, and when I didn't, they became belligerent. It was just shocking and really uncalled for.

[pl3asehelp]

It was a PM.

 

Do you have something to contribute here, or are you just stepping in to devalue my opinion/feelings?

 

I've already contributed and will continue to do so if that's what I want to do. I'm not here to devalue your opinion or feelings - in fact, that's not even possible. It's not up to me to assign value to your opinion or anyone else's. Do you normally give people that power? You own it - it's yours. Anyone could have posted your question and my opinion would be the same, so it has nothing to do with you. Other people have already told you to forward the message to the mods That's your only option.

 

Did my feelings get hurt that you're saying I haven't contributed? Nope. I know I have regardless of what your opinion is.

[nutbrownhare]

I guess, also that there's a difference between a post being experienced as painful, and it being intentionally hostile. Telling someone directly that they're 'dumb' or 'stupid' is completely unhelpful, and hostile - as I'm sure any of us would agree.

 

However, if a contributor to a thread states something that may well be true, if the OP isn't ready to hear that truth then it will be experienced as painful. One of the real skills of being a therapist is to judge when the client is ready to take new material on board, and on an online forum we just don't have the information to judge that - body language, tone of voice in response to questions. Also we are not here as therapists, just peers expressing our opinions.

 

So a perfectly well-intentioned post may feel painful to the recipient. Ideally the recipient would view this as useful information, as it can be useful in locating the shut-off parts of the personality and therefore lead to personal growth. Or, to put it another way "The truth shall set you free".

[Moontiger]

I didn't say there aren't posts here that don't get deleted that may be painful to someone, I said I don't see anything I would consider hostile being left by the mods. I consider hostile a few degrees more serious than painful. My point is that what OP considered hostile is subjective and if the mods agreed with her that it was hostile, they would have deleted it. Since they didn't, I'd say it was a problem of her perception - she perceived it as hostile, though the mods didn't agree.

 

I think it should be pointed out that we are all choosing to post our personal stories online for anyone to see. Being hurt further by someone's comment is a risk you take. Now, that doesn't make it hurt any worse when it does happen ... but that's something to think about before submitting a new thread.

 

hi Cadmiumblue, if you have someone post or pm a message to you that you consider hurtful please forward it to the mods. You can do this by hitting the triangle icon on the left side of posts. If that person isn't breaking the rules but still causing you problems if you go to that persons profile you can add them to your ignore list and posts they make will not be visible to you.

 

It was a PM.

 

Do you have something to contribute here, or are you just stepping in to devalue my opinion/feelings?

 

These post sum up the entire thing I think. OP, notice your post here? To me it comes off as hostile and mean. Why get so angry when that is exactly what you are arguing against in this thread?

 

Now, you might consider what I have to say "mean" but to me its simple the truth and what I think you need to hear: Perhaps you are just a little to thin-skinned. Since I don't know what was said in the PM I can't say how mean or not mean the person was being, but based off some of your responses I think you may just not like hearing anything that makes you uncomfortable.

[cadmiumblue]

I don't like someone acting like they're trying to help me and then being a ****.

 

pleasehelp (who I have ignored btw, so please don't quote him) is someone I've had problems with already and who is generally unsympathetic to everything I go through. It's not for no reason that I react to him thus.

 

He was very unsupportive with my issues around my disappearing ex friend.

[Seraphim]

I don't like someone acting like they're trying to help me and then being a ****.

 

pleasehelp (who I have ignored btw, so please don't quote him) is someone I've had problems with already and who is generally unsympathetic to everything I go through. It's not for no reason that I react to him thus.

 

He was very unsupportive with my issues around my disappearing ex friend.

 

But hun you can not tell people how to post. You can not tell people who to quote and not quote. If you have a problem sent it to a mod. Let them sort it out.

[Moontiger]

So not one can disagree or show any "hostility" towards you but you can to them?

 

See, this is what a public forum is, you hear what you don't want to hear. From my perspective he was trying to help you and saying things that make a lot of sense. Then, he get's his head bit off for that.

 

Just food for thought.

[pl3asehelp]

I don't like someone acting like they're trying to help me and then being a ****.

 

pleasehelp (who I have ignored btw, so please don't quote him) is someone I've had problems with already and who is generally unsympathetic to everything I go through. It's not for no reason that I react to him thus.

 

He was very unsupportive with my issues around my disappearing ex friend.

 

And in my opinion, I gave you very useful and supportive advice about your ex friend. You just choose to disagree, which is fine, but in my opinion it's why you're in that situation. I sympathize with you, but that doesn't mean I have to agree with you when I have a different opinion. That's just life.

[quirky]

To answer your original question yes, I have been hurt by comments but I try not to dwell on it..mostly I don't. More than anything I have felt frustrated or misunderstood because we express everything in writen format..someone chooses one bit that corresponds to them, they reply and form an opinion based on that and you've lost the big picture.

 

I also think that people forget that someone is posting when vulnerable. They are posting here because they find it too difficult to speak to someone or because they are having a terrible night/week, because they can't sleep. Often they are VERY upset while posting. I think people forget that..how vulnerable one may feel, again because we see it writen down and we're missing a lot of the physical info.

 

I think people also forget that this is board consists of other people accross the world, not therapists. They can only tell you what they think. There are posters that feel like kindred spirits and others that you can tell you probably have not got one thing in common. Just like in real life you don't want to liaise with them but here you can't prevent it once you put a public thread, anyone can reply.

 

Try not to see it as a personal attack, unless of course it is.. Most of us have felt hurt by some comment because we've all posted a problem here at some point.

[agent1607307371]

Calling people out. Thread Closed.