Being happy in the long run with the prospect of not finding someone else?

[radiohead20]

Have any of you considered this way of life or mindset?

 

To not deny, but let go of persuing the opposite sex. To become happy - not just temporarily, but permantly with yourself and other aspects of your life OTHER than the opposite sex. You can still have friends / hobbies / family but completely exclude romantic relationships with the opposite sex from your life permamently.

 

From what I have read and seen this works WONDERS temporarily for a few years, but I have learned that people crave companionship and the feelings of loniless and longing end up re-surfacing again.

 

Is it possible, to adopt this mindset towards your entire future? I am seriously thinking about doing this (for reasons I can explain if people are curious). Is it possible to live like this and still content/happy and NOT have that sense of longing re-surface and put you into depression?

 

Priests do this, buddhist monks do this, can we (or I) do this?

[Ms Darcy]

There are people who do this successfully and are happy. But they don't do it with longing for someone, due to bitterness, or with blame.

[eternalsunrise]

Why are you thinking about it? I was actually pondering this as well. I'm definitely curious to hear your reasons.

 

Honestly, for me, it seems like men want to jump into a relationship way too quickly. It seems so superficial. The way I want to find a love is by getting to know someone as a friend first, having an established friendly rapport with him for a long time before any romance comes into the picture. Otherwise I think romance is fake and manipulative--like they are specifically aiming to get you in bed. If a guy can't maintain a positive friendship with me, why would there be romance? I feel like I might be content on staying single because I'm not looking for instant gratification. If a guy isn't willing to invest time in getting to know me as a friend, I have absolutely no desire for there to be any romance. I may sound jaded, but I think I am cautious. I'm happy being single. I'd rather bypass drama and just stay single. Maybe if I meet the right person I would be willing to get more involved sooner, but I haven't met that person yet.

[Gordita]

I think the only way that can works is if you have a strong passion for something else, something that fulfills you in many areas of your life and makes you happy. But I agree with you, at some point most people long for that deep intimate connection.

 

I also think that the moment we decide to be happy staying single, and we manage to accomplish this, it is also the moment we start meeting people who want to get to know us in a romantic level.

[iamkaylee]

I do it every day

 

I'm basically content and for the most part happy. My life is fulfilling to me and who I am. I don't need a relationship to make me feel complete, satisfied or anything else.

 

Every day is a new adventure. I meet a lot of great people and a few not so great. Each one has a lesson to teach me in some way or something to offer.

 

I don't look for relationships but if they happen to come along, it's a wonderful enhancement to my life even if it is just for a little while.

 

I suppose it's because I see and appreciate the small things and live in each moment. I get a kick out of watching a kid play with his dog, or seeing the snow fall. I can watch a seabird for hours and marvel at his grace on the wing and clumsiness on land. Each day is a gift to me and I'm on borrowed time anyway. It puts life in a much different perspective.

[LillyLooWho]

It all depends on your outlook. If you are pretending to be happy without someone, then it won't work. If you genuinely are content doing things alone and find the whole relationship stuff just a big pain in the butt, then it might be good to take some time off from it. Forever though? As humans, we do crave companionship.

 

I look at it like this: if I end up alone, that's ok. I'm not trying to be alone but if it works out that way, it's not such a tragic situation.

[darkheart85]

Not possible. Now, to refute your examples. Monks and Priests have a spiritual calling with a "relationship" with the deity of their religion. So while they lack a physical relationship, they do have a spiritual one. With that being said, I believe you are on the right track without the proper goal. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be happy by yourself and I believe that if you aren't happy with yourself you won't be happy with someone else. Thus work on enjoying being by yourself and being single with friends. I myself stayed as far from attempting to date as I could, but now everyone of my friends is married, engaged, or in a relationship. I've third, fifthed, and seventhed wheeled my way to far too many events. Also, been left out of events because it was all couples and it's just weird having that one single person there. So I put myself out there and the rejections flew in like a blizzard. Hard as it has been, I do believe I am better for it and am now working on being happy being me. You'll find, as Gordita said, once you are happy with you and your position in this world the romantic stuff will come much easier. Or at least I hope

 

eternalsunrise - need more women like you!

[radiohead20]

Why are you thinking about it? I was actually pondering this as well. I'm definitely curious to hear your reasons.

 

 

 

Well It is based on my past experiences with women and how they affect my emotions. In a nutshell - when I think about women, or have that aspect of "dating" in my life, I puts me in a very negative emotional mindset (due to my past experiences) that hinders my personal development and sticks me in a "rut". I have so many goals that I want to accomplish (I want to push ahead in my career and get as good as I can at the hobby I am most passionate about) that require focus, dedication, and most importantly a positive, optimistic mindset. I cannot afford to have my issues with the opposite sex affect my personal development and I what I want out of life.

 

I have found that when I have decided to not entertain these issues, or the opposite sex in general from a romantic aspect, I feel completely free and have accomplished SOO much in both my professional goals and personal goals. I did this for about 3-4 months and I progressed immensely. I am happy with who I am as a person. I do not want to interrupt this positive state. In fact, I want to make it PERMANENT.

 

And those of you may ask "well why not just fix your issues, or the negative experiences you have?". well they are not truly fixable. In order to "fix" them I would have to be to someone I am not, and when I am someone I am not I am simply not happy, which puts me in a negative mental state and prevents me from accomplishing my goals.

 

So I have been so happy with my progress so far that I am wondering if I can make it a permanent thing? I am an extremely passionate person (I typically give it my all at my career and probably spend 40-50 hours a week on my true passion (music)). It gives me little time for anything else.

[Ms Darcy]

When I think about women, or have that aspect of "dating" in my life, I puts me in a very negative emotional mindset (due to my past experiences) that hinders my personal development and sticks me in a "rut".

 

So I have been so happy with my progress so far that I am wondering if I can make it a permanent thing? I am an extremely passionate person (I typically give it my all at my career and probably spend 40-50 hours a week on my true passion (music)). It gives me little time for anything else.

 

If you want to make it permanent, that's a decision only you can make. If it's due to bitterness towards women, it probably won't last though. Bitterness is a cover for longing and you'll find someone else you long for, want, pursue, get rejected by ... continuing the cycle.

[radiohead20]

If you want to make it permanent, that's a decision only you can make. If it's due to bitterness towards women, it probably won't last though. Bitterness is a cover for longing and you'll find someone else you long for, want, pursue, get rejected by ... continuing the cycle.

 

I'll be honest, the initial reason why I started adopting this mindset was first out of bitterness and frustration. Initially it was more of a "f off", but What I discovered was that the new mindset and all the goal accomplishing I was doing put me in such a positive mindset that I want to adopt it sort of as a permenant thing. I dont want to go back to feeling frustrated or even entertaining the thought.

 

so I guess it was initially out of bitterness, it has turned into a positive experience and more about doing it for MYSELF than as a vindicative action.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Same here. I also know plenty of women who have been single their whole life and are quite content. They travel, have all kinds of interests and just don't feel the need for a man to complete them. With all the angst involved in relationships, often there is more peace of mind alone than with someone.

[John3572]

Radiohead...I know exactley where you are coming from! My personal experience over the last 1.5 years with women have been similar to yours. After a bad experience with a woman(co-worker...mistake #1) that I thought the world of burned me(2x I might add) I began to feel the same way that you do. My experience with my co-worker took me to the lower bowels of depression and forced me to make a life or death decision. I chose life. I decided that I would know longer allow women to affect my life in any way. In doing so, I had to take a step back, realize and chance what it is about me that allowed the woman that I thought so highly of to burn me. The way that I "got over it" was to blame myself for what happened to me.

 

It is no ones responsibility but your own to protect your heart. If you put your heart in someone elses hands it is not a matter of if you will get burned, but when. I have not sworn off dating forever. However, like you, I have decided that thinking that someone has your best interests at heart is setting you up to get heartbroken.

 

You said over the past 3-4 months you have never felt better. That is probably because you are in control of yourself. Since my experience with my co-worker I have noticed a profound difference within myself. That difference has been noticed by family and friends. I do not think that the difference is a bad thing. I do not know how old you are but it is a difference that probably should have occurred earlier in our lives. When you allow yourself to be an open book you are setting yourself up to get burned.

 

I think that you are doing the right thing. Continue you as you are and if you meet someone that makes you change your mind and open your heart again you can give them a chance. You will be in a better position to protect your heart because you are in control of it.

 

Best of luck to you!

[Ms Darcy]

John is this the woman you never asked out?

[John3572]

Ms Darcy Yes, same woman.

[Sportster2005]

I can be happy alone, I can be happy in a relationship. I prefer to be happy in a relationship. I've never viewed either state as mutually exclusive for being happy.

[Blue Spiral]

I'm also "purposefully alone," due to a combination of bitterness and laziness. My past attempts at pursuing women were about as low-effort as you can get, and I can't even make myself do that, anymore. It's just wasted time and effort. I do have FWBs, but I blame that on my sex drive. I'm as happy as I've ever been--but that's because my happiness has never had anything to do with other people.

[radiohead20]

but I blame that on my sex drive. I'm as happy as I've ever been--but that's because my happiness has never had anything to do with other people.

 

 

I love this last qoute - I think one needs to purposely separate one's self from relationships for a while and grow as a person in order to accomplish this. but once you do, you feel free.

[Slimpee]

I dunno abt people who are single their whole lives...I think humans are designed for companionship. I'd just be wary of the deep-dark, true intentions. You always hear people say that you find someone when you're least expecting it and when you're truly happy w/ yourself and blah blah blah. As a result, I think that singles thus purposefully stop looking for someone not in order to get themselves to a better, happier place, but rather to not be expecting anything in the hopes that that's when they find it.

 

Perhaps taking a "break" from dating or wanting to date is a decent idea in order to let yourself heal and reclaim (or claim in the first place) control over yourself before jumping back in, but i'd look at your true intentions and make sure that your motivation isn't to swear off dating in order to experience that serendipitous moment everyone talks about...