Is redemption ever possible for a 28 year old unkissed virgin?

[cadmiumblue]

Sometimes I get terrified. Terrified because part of my brain says "forget it, if you were ever going to do something sexual, it would have happened by now. Just give up."

 

The stories I hear tend to back this up. People say, oh I didn't until 20, didn't until 22, didn't until 25. But beyond that, are people just screwed if they have no experience whatsoever?

 

It seems like after 25 you're just screwed.

 

I'm 28. Never kissed, dated, had sex, or anything else. Nothing. It just feels hopeless and anecdotal evidence doesn't exactly point to hope.

[ApocalypseDreams]

Is there a reason why you have never been kissed, dated, had sex or anything else?

 

I think redemption is possible, if you address the underlying issue behind it.

[Generation]

Honestly, no one is screwed. You just have to assess why it hasn't happened, be honest with yourself, and do something about it.

 

Gonna assume it's cause you're shy.

[patterned]

I would encourage you to take a look at your feelings around dating, kissing, sex, closeness, etc. You must find discomfort there, perhaps instead of avoiding the discomfort you may want to confront it and move toward it. Pay attention to how you feel around these things and see what you may be trying to prevent, or what from your past is coloring your present.

 

You are not screwed. You are not too late. You are very normal. Learning about yourself and making new choices is a part of the journey we are all on.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Redemption means deliverance or rescue...it also means atonement for guilt, deliverance from sin, salvation. Being inexperienced in the dating world is not something for which you have to redeem yourself. If people who have had many casual sexual encounters, contracted STDs, had children from multiple partners etc don't feel they need redemption then why should you. There is nothing wrong with not having dating or sexual experience..it is just the way things happened for you..and you should make no apologies for it or feel that you need to be redeemed.

[Dynaudio]

At least you're female. You've got more hope than a guy in the same situation. Try online dating sites.

[ToF]

I knew a guy who never did anything sexual until he was almost 40.

 

You aren't going to find anyone, unless you change your attitude.

[grised2]

Sometimes I get terrified. Terrified because part of my brain says "forget it, if you were ever going to do something sexual, it would have happened by now. Just give up."

 

The stories I hear tend to back this up. People say, oh I didn't until 20, didn't until 22, didn't until 25. But beyond that, are people just screwed if they have no experience whatsoever?

 

It seems like after 25 you're just screwed.

 

I'm 28. Never kissed, dated, had sex, or anything else. Nothing. It just feels hopeless and anecdotal evidence doesn't exactly point to hope.

 

I had the same thoughts, anxiety and feelings. I never thought I would ever have the opportunity to be kissed, have sex, or ever find a relationship. However, late in my college years I pushed myself outside of my comfort zone, going out with friends, making a conscience effort to talk to woman, and being myself at all times. It was very difficult at first, I always had the anxiety of “what are they thinking of me.” But I’ll tell you, the only person thinking negatively was me. Once I found someone, just being myself and not trying to be someone I wasn’t, I was completely honest with them about myself and the reasons why I hadn’t been with anyone. I felt very vulnerable in that moment, and I thought they may laugh or be turned off by what I was telling them. This was not the case at all. She was extremely understanding, comforting and helpful through the process of explaining things. Eventually that person and I became intimate, and we shared several years together.

 

The point of this story is to never give up on yourself, no matter what your mind is telling you. You are worth it and you will find someone to be with. Pushing yourself out of your comfort zone little by little is the biggest piece of advice I can give you. When you see the reactions of others toward you, your confidence increases and your self image and self worth will improve greatly. This new found self esteem will be contagious and not only do others gravitate toward that, men and woman alike find that attractive. Lastly, don’t set a goal or timeline on when things should happen. As hard as it might be at times, patience is important. I hope this has helped you in some way. Keep a positive attitude, and IGNORE that voice in your head that says to give up!

[sara-pezzini]

i was 37 when i got my very first kiss and lost my virginity so there is always hope, you never know when you meet the right man, i met him when i was in my thirties, never met anyone before with whom i felt comfortable, never held hands with a guy, never had a date, never a hug, nothing and it still did happen to me in the end,with the love of my life......and in my twenties i didn't think that was possible.......and my bf was very understanding, felt honored he was my first and was all too happy to teach me and really took his time to make me feel comfortable, so it was the greatest experience of my life, and not everyone has an amazin, pain-free first time like i had....so i am now glad it happened the way it did and at the time it did

[FathomFear]

I'm 28. Never kissed, dated, had sex, or anything else. Nothing. It just feels hopeless and anecdotal evidence doesn't exactly point to hope.

 

I turn 33 next month and haven't done any of those things either. It doesn't really give me a sense of dread, though, as I have a pretty clear understanding of why I'm in this situation.

 

I would suggest breaking apart the issue into separate pieces. You need to look at the reasons why you've never done anything on this front (physical appearance, lack of trying, psychological/anxiety issues) as there is likely a combination of things going on. From there it's just a matter of addressing the issues systematically.

[Roxie84]

Firstly I would assume there are some underlying issues. Are you extremely shy? Overly selective with men (be honest)? Does your persona stand give off a nervous or unapproachable vibe? I think taking a long look at yourself would be a good step in the right direction. I am not going to say there's anything "wrong" with you, just maybe a little "off".

 

Do you go out very much? Do you online date? Is there anything you do to put yourself out there?

 

Do you dress well and put yourself together well so that you can walk out the door with confidence?

 

These are all key things that will get you started in the right direction.

 

Lastly and most importantly you are not alone! I know it feels that most people lose their virginity during their teens or twenties, but not all do. The time will come when you are truly ready

[Klokwurk]

My guy buddy just kissed AND popped his cherry for the first time in his life, and he is 28. So dont worry, it happens. Something has to change about you though. For him, it took getting SEVERELY rejected by a girl he was intensely pursuing. That pushed him to lose weight, go out, and attempt to talk to strangers. It was a grueling process, but eventually, 3 months later, boom, some chick is bangin' him, and utterly adores him.

[cadmiumblue]

It doesn't really make sense because all the things wrong with me other people have wrong with them too, and they're not in this situation. I guess I don't really understand why this happened to me. I've had platonic relationships before, even if they didn't last. It seems like people just go through life and it happens, for me it never did.

 

I don't know what it would take to change things. I really don't want to date. Dating often leads to nothing except anxiety and disappointment when there's no second date. I've already been through a lot, I can't handle that. I just want to be normal.

 

I like women too...I point this out I guess only for the purpose of saying that I have no luck with women or men. Universal non-appeal, if you will. Twice the disinterest. lol. So. Funny.

[patterned]

IT doesn't...make sense...I really don't want to date. Dating often leads to nothing except anxiety and disappointment...I can't handle that. I just want to be normal.

 

Welcome to life. Anxiety and disappointment is normal.

 

It all makes perfect sense. There's a pretty big reason for it all in that quote. As long as you protect yourself from anxiety and disappointment, things will never change. Please go back and read my first response. This is at least a part of the discomfort I am talking about.

 

Respectfully, your expectations come accross as absurd. Even the most ridiculous, impossible love story is full of anxiety and disappointment. Again I write this with respect and the best of intentions.

[cadmiumblue]

Dating often just goes nowhere. I don't want something that goes nowhere.

[cadmiumblue]

Oh, sorry to everyone who replied. The simple reason is that nobody I've been interested in was ever interested in me back. The long answer is probably a lot of things that a psychologist would understand. Why has nobody I wanted ever wanted me back? I don't know.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Oh, sorry to everyone who replied. The simple reason is that nobody I've been interested in was ever interested in me back. The long answer is probably a lot of things that a psychologist would understand. Why has nobody I wanted ever wanted me back? I don't know.

 

Many people just don't understand that there are indeed some people who can't find someone because no matter what they do, there is no mutual click. So the easy way for people to explain it is to say "something must be wrong with you, something must be wrong with what you are doing, change and then it will happen for you". That is a very naive, simplistic explanation. Just like not everyone has the smarts to be a brain surgeon, or the combination of luck and know-how to become a successful, wealthy business person, the same goes for finding someone to have a relationship with. Much of it has to do with luck, being at the right place at the right time and having two people mutually connect. For some people it just doesn't happen no matter how much of an effort is made. Doing all the things that others do with success might end up in failure, just like people who start a business and some thrive while others don't, just due to the luck of the draw.

[cadmiumblue]

I have had friends before...so it's not because I've always been socially inept...although I do have social anxiety disorder to a degree which probably limits the number of people I interact with, which limits my chances. : (

[patterned]

there are indeed some people who can't find someone because no matter what they do, there is no mutual click...some thrive while others don't, just due to the luck of the draw.

 

I respectfully disagree. A 'click' can be great or it can be misleading. Many times first dates go horribly, while a second date goes much better. Finding someone to be with works for some when they go with their feelings and fall into it, but it can also, more often fall apart. Going into dating knowing what you want and what you'll accept helps one to recognize what their looking for when it's in front of them.

 

Regardless of how a relationship originates, from 'love at first sight' to 'we didn't see each other until our arranged wedding,' love comes down to a choice. It takes openness learning and commitment. There's no big mysterious secret that some just aren't lucky with or don't have access to.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I respectfully disagree. A 'click' can be great or it can be misleading. Many times first dates go horribly, while a second date goes much better. Finding someone to be with works for some when they go with their feelings and fall into it, but it can also, more often fall apart. Going into dating knowing what you want and what you'll accept helps one to recognize what their looking for when it's in front of them.

 

Regardless of how a relationship originates, from 'love at first sight' to 'we didn't see each other until our arranged wedding,' love comes down to a choice. It takes openness learning and commitment. There's no big mysterious secret that some just aren't lucky with or don't have access to.

 

Yes..but BOTH people have to want to pursue it. Sometimes one does and the other doesn't...and sometimes one person knows from the first date that this is not a good match. Of course some people are lucky and find while others don't.....of course some people "buy" relationships or settle for whatever just to be in one...so I guess EVERYONE can have a relationship if they force themself to be with someone who likes them even though they are not crazy about that person (and plenty of people have indeed done that just to have a relationship). Those who are not willing to settle just to say they have someone, do indeed have a harder time..but that is not a bad thing, it just means they haven't sold themselves out to conform to what society deems as "normal".

[cadmiumblue]

I thought maybe I should put this in my own thread.

 

Sometimes I just have such unrealistic expectations about dating. I wouldn't hate dating if it could be like my fantasies. I think a combination of inexperience, movies, tv shows, novels and more years than most has just left me with completely unrealistic ideas about what a date should be. I feel like I'd enjoy it if only it could be like my fantasies.

 

Usually my fantasies consist of a level of intimacy far greater than two people just meeting each other, romance, and many other unrealistic things, like sex--but not the kind of sex that doesn't mean anything, real meaningful sex that is spiritually transcendent, and like a romance novel. I think it would be kind of heartbreaking for me at this point to go on an actual date and realize what dating really is--as I already suspect--just talking, and awkwardness. Then no second date. Nothing ever goes how I want it to. : (

 

I know it sounds stupid, but I wish it could just be like my fantasies. I know everyone wishes that their fantasies would come true, but for me, it's even worse, since I feel like I've waited so long that I'm somehow more deserving of having my fantasies become real.

[ToF]

Well, you know what your problem is, so now you can work on becoming more realistic.

[cadmiumblue]

I will work on finding a way to avoid dating.

[ToF]

... How would that help you?

[Klokwurk]

I will work on finding a way to avoid dating.

 

You and this guy should hook up