Is redemption ever possible for a 28 year old unkissed virgin?

[Bluesman89]

I'm 23 and still a virgin. I kissed a girl for the first time when I was 21, and expected things to get better from then on.. but they didn't. I have rather severe social anxiety. I don't have any close friends my own age and I have what you could call an extreme phobia of parties. So I rarely get a chance to meet women, and when I do, I ffck it up. I find it impossible to change.

[cadmiumblue]

... How would that help you?

 

Because I figured out what I want and don't want. Dating isn't going to get me what I want, so it's a waste of my time.

[ToF]

What exactly do you want? And how will you go about getting it without dating?

[cadmiumblue]

I would reverse that. The question should be what you COULD get by dating, since in my mind, dating doesn't really offer anything. It's pretty obvious to me that dating is not some magic answer. Far from that, it's actually worse than doing nothing.

 

Relationships can start when two people are friends. In fact, I could have had a scenario like that myself, so dating is not necessary to find someone. I think dating usually does more harm than good. I'm not interested in going on a date with someone who may or may not like me, may or may not be wasting my time, may or may not just be dating five thousand other people. I'm not into it.

[sara-pezzini]

i kinda felt the same way, would never just date guy after guy after guy, i met a man at work, fell in love with him at work, and when he finally asked me out on a date i was already head over heels in love, it was my first date and it was just as magical or even better than i had ever fantasized about, so yes, that is possible....i wouldn't want it any other way, my first date was magical, we really courted each other, took our time, both scared, both has a troubled past so hard to trust, so we did the friends first, and when we finally kissed and made love it was better than fairytales and movies, really! so that is possible.....though not common, i know

[cadmiumblue]

Yeah, I want something like that.

[oldenoughtoknow]

So, you're 28, bisexual, have SAD and have never been kissed, had sex or been on a date. You say you don't want to date. You want to find someone as a friend first and have it all unfold like a fantastical romance novel. You know, that last part does sound pretty cool.

 

I can totally see how someone with SAD would have a problem with dating. It's nerve-wracking even for the most aloof and least anxiety-ridden among us. I really hope you're getting help with it. If you can step back and reread some of the things you've mentioned, to me they all center around anxiety. Anxiety can and will keep you from doing just about anything. It will make excuses that turn into truths that you then use to build your life. Your every thought and decision goes through that filter. It's trying to protect you from harm, like awkwardness, no second date and heartbreak. But, it's not getting you what you want out of life, and I think finding a good counselor who can help you through it is essential.

 

I couldn't say you're more deserving of having your fantasies become real than any of the rest of us. You certainly don't need redemption. But you do deserve to live a happy, fulfilled life - you do deserve to live a life free of anxiety. Finding a way harness it is the first step in fulfilling your fantasy.

[cadmiumblue]

I've been to therapists and it didn't help.

[ToF]

How many therapists did you see, and how long were you working with each? Therapy can be tricky, in that a) you need to find a good match in a therapist, and b) it can take quite a while to really see any progress. But it's worth it, if you're willing to put forth the effort.

[cadmiumblue]

The first one I saw for two years...didn't help. Second one, three months and absolutely no progress...the third therapist I saw for about five months, he put me on medication instead of making any attempt to solve my problems. After I started on the medication I think he figured his job was done and he didn't meet with me again.

 

The fourth was just one session...I was creeped out so I didn't go back.

 

So yeah...no luck with therapists. Some do more harm than good. I've had people acknowledge that this is often the case, but they have no other ideas about what to do. People keep telling me to go back to therapy, but I am really beginning to think it doesn't work. I still have no friends, still never been on a date, never kissed anyone. I still don't have anything I want in life, particularly when it comes to other human beings, so...

[ApocalypseDreams]

I think attitude is important when undertaking therapy too, and often understated. You have to truly be ready and willing for therapy. I've had years of no success with therapists, until I took responsibility for my own problems and didn't see them as having to fix me.

[cadmiumblue]

What you just said--I've heard that before. So it's my fault therapy didn't work. That's interesting.

 

I was ready and willing with therapy, it just didn't work.

 

There's also a good chance I have borderline personality disorder, which means that I'm pretty much screwed when it comes to therapy. No therapist can work with it.

[ApocalypseDreams]

That's not to say your attitude is the problem, but a bit of honest reflection might provide a breakthrough. The difference between my years of failing therapy and my recent success with therapy is down to my shift in attitude.

[ApocalypseDreams]

What you just said--I've heard that before. So it's my fault therapy didn't work. That's interesting.

 

I was ready and willing with therapy, it just didn't work.

 

There's also a good chance I have borderline personality disorder, which means that I'm pretty much screwed when it comes to therapy. No therapist can work with it.

 

Ok then....

[cadmiumblue]

Sorry, I'm not trying to be rude. But this is really frustrating.

[ApocalypseDreams]

No worries. Your frustration is understandable, to me at least. I find having issues with depression and anxiety incredibly frustrating. It's alot to put up with.

 

Hope you work it out and find what you're looking for.

[cdb1204]

Never give up!

 

I had my first date at 21 and didn't have my second date until I was 27.

 

The girl I went out with on my third date became my first girlfriend and we shared our first kiss not long thereafter.

 

I lost my virginity to my second girlfriend two years later when I was 29.

 

I'm now 34, have had three official girlfriends and have had sex with six women in total.

 

I'm STILL longing for a serious relationship that will result in marriage........but I worked hard, applied myself and am still learning important lessons about women/dating. The only reason I haven't married yet is really because of immaturity issues among many of the women I date.

 

Don't give up. And DON'T settle for the first woman that comes your way, either!