This one will test the best of you

[Eddie]

OK, here we go. I'll try to keep it brief.

 

I fell in love with a girl a year and a half ago. We have recently split up - kind of. She's got exams coming up and has told me that we should remain on a break until they are out of the way and she can really start thinking about this situation. The breakup is mainly to do with her fear of commitment (she is 20, I am 23 - neither of us have slept with anyone else), but it isn't just that - we'd had a few rough months due to her high stress levels and some problems I'd been having too...pretty usual stuff really, stuff that real couples can get through if they work at it - and I'm certain that we could have...if it wasn't for these feeling's she's having about wanting to be with other men. I know, it's natural, she doesn't want to feel tied down and so on.

 

So last week, after several weeks apart (except for talking on phone and a few meetings) I said to her that the best thing she can do right now - as soon as possible anyway - is go out with her friends, feel single, dance with loads of men, snog other men if she feels like it and if anything else happens, let me know. That was pretty hard as you can imagine. I was almost physically sick when I turned the corner. But then it started to feel OK. She appreciated it I think...but now I am certain that she WILL do that. I have given her permission to do that and I can't go back on it. I don't know yet if she would be able to accept the same from me. I had been telling her for ages that I am not interested in other women...I think she might be thinking of me as either a shoe-in, or worse, an obsessive boyfriend! That's why I did it. I know that her feeling free is the only thing that gives me a chance in hell of winning her back...but it's bloody painful.

 

Anyway, just as you thought it was getting complicated...I got together with an old friend of mine for a few drinks the other night. Her boyfriend and dad had both been killed about a year ago and she is still suffering as a result of that I sense. She wanted to help me through this time a bit like I tried to about a year ago for her (I don't think I did a very good job though and now I feel bad about that). We had a great night, didn't get very drunk or anything but she offered me her bed for the night (quite a long walk back to mine). I accepted. We slept next to each other. I held her hand. When we woke up, our faces were nearly touching. She smiled and I suddenly realised that she is a truly beautiful person. Comparing her objectively to the girl I've split up with, well, she wins hands down...in terms of kindness, zest for life, positivity, almost everything. So for the last few days I've been like....WHAT THE HELL AM I GOING TO DO??? I just don't know who I really love more...my friend or my girlfriend. They're both amazing to be honest! I can't tell my girlfriend that I've changed my mind after I've been so enormously in love with her and acting all crazy and desperate to have her back...what kind of a person would that make me? At the same time, the chances that my friend would want to be any more than just my friend are probably slim...she has told me that she is nowhere near ready to be with anyone else. However, she did also say (after I had told her a few things about myself that I'd not told her before) that my girlfriend would be crazy to let me go and that she'd have me in a second!!!! I really need a visit from my inner power penguin right now. Ommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

 

So, so sorry that this is such a long one...hope I haven't bored you all to tears. It's good just to get it out of my system. I really have no clue what advice anyone would be able to give...but thanks so much if you do think of anything.

 

Eddie

[caliboy]

I say hang out with this new friend, and use that as your escape from your ex's break up. It makes a break up easier when you have someone of the opposite sex there to take your mind off things. You may be seeing this old friend as a rebound possibly? Cause it's nice to have a girl say nice things about you, especially when your ex is busy chilling with other guys.

 

I'm not sure if you had to go as far as telling your ex to go meet and shag other guys, because she might not even be looking to do that - maybe just date and meet other guys, but you never really no for sure. Plus it may look as though you think she's slutty, cause I sometimes ask my ex if she's sleeping with anyone and she'll tell me 'what, do you think I'm some kind of easy slut?'. And I tell her of course not. Heh, I shoudn't even be asking her this kinda thing to begin with though. I need to learn to take my own advice and the advice of others sometimes. But this is all just my perspective on things.

 

When you and your ex talk, be cool and uninterested and let her know that you're hanging out or even dating (but not serious with) someone else, but don't seem like your bragging. That'll get her thinking about what's going on and possibly open a door between you two. Let her contact you, cause if she truly cares about you, then she will - even if she's sleeping with someone else. You have the upperhand, cause you two have history. Don't call her.

 

Update us on what happens. Later.

[frackledJJ]

Get some space between you and your ex, but please don't use this other friend for making her jealus. I bet it's really hard for her to get over the death of her boyfriend, and if you get her hopes up through your actions and she mind think of ... well, committing is a strong word for that, but imagine she starts really getting interested in you, which would be a huge step for her, and she tahn finds out you have just been using her as a kind of "rebound", that would hurt your friend a lot.

Since she has such a high opinion of you, I don't think you could do such a thing on purpose, but be very very careful with your actions please. Feelings and trust are hard to earn and to built up, but so damn easy to destroy and break. And a broken heart is about the slowest thing to heal in the whole wide world.

[SwingFox]

Hi Eddie,

 

First of all welcome to eNotalone.com and thank you for coming to us for seeking advice. I understand that you are very confused over what you should do next and I hope that we can help you out a little bit on that.

 

I am not entirely clear over how and where you stand with your (ex) g/f right now. What does it mean in your case that you're on a break? Are you in or out? I believe you are very uncertain over that, too. So my suggestion is to find out where you stand with her first.

 

Once you figured this out, you have to think hard about what you really expect out of life and out of a relationship. Your friend is telling you that she's not really ready for commitment, yet she tells you that your (ex) g/f is crazy to let you go, meaning that she likes you a lot. But what if she means it? What if she is serious about not being able getting involved with you? Are you ready for that? After all, she did loose her b/f in an accident. That is very hard to get over with. On the other hand: what are the chances that you will get back together with your (ex) g/f? What if she tells you that she found someone else? Or worse: you SEE her with someone else?

 

These seem to be valid questions for you to wonder over. I hope that this reply opened your eyes. Any decision you make will have implications. Try to oversee them as best as you can. I wish you strength and good luck.

 

~ SwingFox ~

[Eddie]

Thanks for the advice, I'll take it into consideration.

 

2 points -

 

I didn't suggest she shag other guys, just snog them if she thought it would help. I know that she will tell me if she feels like she wants to take it further and at that point, I walk.

 

I am certainly aware of the possibility of hurting my friend and that is the LAST THING I want to do...I'm surprised I forgot to mention this in the original message because it is probably playing on my mind more than anything. I think I'll continue to see her and just enjoy her company. I won't be using her as a rebound. I'm going to insist that my girlfriend make a decision before July because that would mean I've been waiting 3 months for her to work out whether she loves me enough to commit to me! It's all a bit absurd. At that point, my feelings towards my friend may well be the same or they may well be different and I will move forward...very...very...slowly...if it looks like she would welcome me into her life.

 

Thanks again. This website has helped me so much over the last few months...it deserves an award of some kind.

[GoDevil]

I hear ya, this place is great and helps a lot. I think that you are doing the right thing by thinking about this as much as you are. The last thing you want to do is something on a whim that you would later regret, like sleeping with your friend. Who knows, that relationship could develop into something completely wonderful. The more time you give it to develop on it's own, the better. At the same time you need to, as hard as it sounds, take your mind off of your ex-gf. You did a great thing by telling her that she can go off and do her own thing if she needs to. That shows here that you are not needy, and if she cares enough for you she will not sleep with anyone else and at the same time she will realize how much she misses and needs you. Otherwise I would just move on, because if that doesn't happen you are just doing all the giving and she's doing all the taking. Good Luck!!