TRM38 Posted September 13, 2012 Share Posted September 13, 2012 I'm wondering if anyone sees a male- female role reversal in the way we deal with breakups ? Im asking because I'm 38, def 100% man but iv always been the one in my last relationship to wear my heart on my sleeve.. Talk feelings over, get emotional sometimes ( yes iv cried in front of my ex) to most people that know me they wouldn't believe it, I'm 240 tattoos, been working out for like 20 years , single dad of an 11yr old son ( not from recent ex) a big rugged intimidating guy( so iv been told) but sensitive with a heart of gold too . My ex is for the most part a closed book , she deals with some anger issues( that's easy for her to express). I do have a backbone and would fiercely protect her or any family for that matter but to her , it's always been hard to have a backbone with. Like I mentioned previously she has some issues but I wonder if it's possible to "spoil" someone by maybe forgiving too much and they get out of control? Iv always felt like the "softy" of the relationship and I don't understand it because b4 her iv always dealt with things like the stereotypical male . Yes we r broke up and I'm the one taking the breakup the hardest .. Link to comment
RedDress Posted September 13, 2012 Share Posted September 13, 2012 I think for the most part, male and female "roles" are fake constructs. We are all people. We all have feelings. Different people express their feelings in different ways. You aren't the first (or last) guy to cry. Actually... yanno... I think guys like to put on those airs to each other. Most of the guys I've dated have been sensitive people. You'd never know it around their guy friends, though. They are all "Tim the Toolman Taylor" (ar, ar, ar) around each other - but then when they get home, they tell their girls how it really hurt when Joe said this or Fred did that. I think this is the great secret of the man. They run around all day pretending they don't have feelings... but... in the quiet moments of night, in the arms of their women, they let it out. I don't think it's a role reversal. I think what you are describing is completely normal... ... but yeah. Maybe you were dating a cold-hearted person. They exist too. But I don't think anything is wrong with you... Link to comment
DerekJason Posted September 13, 2012 Share Posted September 13, 2012 When my ex's left, i cried like a teenage girl getting dumped on the night of the big dance, and i look hard as hell. it's normal, man. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted September 13, 2012 Share Posted September 13, 2012 I think if you are a "softy" and you have a history of being with closed off women, then you need to realize that you are attracting/seeking a specific type of woman that is not healthy for you. Instead of wanting to be tougher with a cold-hearted woman, you should want to be yourself with a warm-hearted one. Link to comment
EQIQ Posted September 13, 2012 Share Posted September 13, 2012 It's cool man, I am a softy with a hard shell as well lol. I am a crier lol... it's shameful as hell sometimes. Link to comment
Doc Blaze Posted September 13, 2012 Share Posted September 13, 2012 in this last relationship i cried more than my ex did..she cried a hand full of times..when she broke up with me and when we got in a huge argument once. and a few others but the thing is her family would rarely show emotion. like her parents never did...her brother never did..she hide her emotions and wouldnt let anyone see her cry or anything everrrrr.... but my family was different. where its ok to show emotions..its ok to have a good cry.. people have different backgrounds...people handle issues differently... Link to comment
EQIQ Posted September 13, 2012 Share Posted September 13, 2012 Her family would rarely show emotion. like her parents never did...her brother never did..she hide her emotions and wouldnt let anyone see her cry or anything everrrrr.... but my family was different. where its ok to show emotions..its ok to have a good cry.. people have different backgrounds...people handle issues differently... Exactly like my current relationship. My girlfriend has actually told me that she is usually unable to cry even though she wants to. Too used to bottling stuff up inside. She told me that sometimes though, it all comes out and she cries a ton. But I haven't seen it yet. Link to comment
TRM38 Posted September 13, 2012 Author Share Posted September 13, 2012 To the guys that react similar.. Do u find you're different with the one u really fall hard for? What I mean is b4 her i was kind of "cocky" with women, kind of was with my recent one too until I fell hard( we both fell hard early on) . SOme women like that, I know I broke a few hearts b4 her and still could have a shot with most of those..I guess I'm questioning whether or not it's just the wrong women for guys like us and they don't apreciate that side of us or maybe it's us and u have to reign the softness in some to b in a successful relationship because it's just women in general? Link to comment
FreeFallFeelin Posted September 13, 2012 Share Posted September 13, 2012 TRM38, I've been told that I look like a cage fighter more than once, but I too crumpled like a wilted flower when my girl dumped me. I was like a baby for so long I didn't even recognize myself. A few of my friends even said things like "Man, I can't see you like this ...you've gotta get over it." Statements like that are what makes us guys feel the need to bottle it up. There just isn't much pity for a broken man (from men or women), unless you've really been there! Besides, a man's assumed role is usually to be a protector and provider - strong. And allowing yourself to "go soft" goes counter to the mentality that we've had reinforced for out entire lives. This BU has softened me and made me very very sensitive to others and to how I interact with others. That's a good thing, I think. Life has a way of pounding down our hard edges. Part of me thinks that had I been more sensitive in my relationship, like I am now, I may not be writing on this forum right now.... Link to comment
Lateralis Posted September 14, 2012 Share Posted September 14, 2012 23 year old male here, and I will admit up front to almost anyone that I'm an emotional guy. I'm pretty sure I always have been, and like the OP, I wear my heart on my sleeve. I think overall it's a good quality, I don't really put up fronts for the most part and if I'm having a hard time dealing with something it's clear for everyone to see, usually. I feel like it does bite me in the ass sometimes. Funny, because most girls are usually all about, "I just wish my guy would open up. Tell me how he really feels." I do that, but then it's like they see me as someone that doesn't have it together or something. It's a messed up predicament. When my ex broke up with me I watched "The Notebook" and cried my eyes out. I do feel a little ashamed about saying that but man... I feel like it helped. I think it's sad to watch a lot of guys try to be so damn tough and what they end up doing is bottling up everything that bothers them inside. Eventually that stuff reaches a capacity and they blow up. It's not just men, though. I've seen girls do the same thing. We, as a species that is just trying to make it by, all need to work on our communication. I feel like the world would be such a better place if people just said what they meant and told you how they really feel. If I do something messed up, whether I'm aware of it or not, I think it's a good thing to be like, "Hey, when you did blah blah blah, that really pissed me off." Then I become aware and I'll do my best to not let it happen again. I could probably ramble on about this subject forever. I'm glad I found this topic because it's about something I wanted to sort of discuss anyway. I hope everyone is doing well! Link to comment
Shane Falco Posted September 14, 2012 Share Posted September 14, 2012 99 percent of the time I'm completely stoic and chill and unaffected. But that 1 percent is ugly, just raw, unfiltered and pretty jarring. Link to comment
DerekJason Posted September 14, 2012 Share Posted September 14, 2012 you too man, i can relate to your post, sans the notebook, i wont dare go there haha Link to comment
nattpanter Posted September 14, 2012 Share Posted September 14, 2012 Soft or hard relative to what? I don`t use other peoples expectations as a reference to how I should react to what happens in my life. If I wanna cry, I do it... I preferably do it alone, because I am a very private person... However, talking about how I feel with my closest friends is nothing I avoid, quite the opposite. In regard to gender-differences I must say something, at least in my network...they guys are just as open about feelings than any girl I know. However, we won`t spend an evening crying our eyes out because of lost love. I find it just as useful that a friend invites me out for a beer and do something positive to take my mind off all the problems. The male-radar in that regard is very underrated in my opinion! Link to comment
Lateralis Posted September 14, 2012 Share Posted September 14, 2012 you too man, i can relate to your post, sans the notebook, i wont dare go there haha Haha. I can't blame you there. That movie is rough! Link to comment
Sadbri Posted September 14, 2012 Share Posted September 14, 2012 38 years old here and cried like a baby numerous times during this breakup. It's the hardest thing I've ever gone through and I'm not ashamed to admit it. It freaking hurts. Link to comment
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