Fiance wants to keep finances apart after marriage

[Luciana]

My fiance is asking me to do something that is against what I believe marriage is about: building something together.

None of the couples I know have a pre-nup. This is for the very rich.

He has an asset though (real estate) that he said he would never let me take from him if we divorced. I agreed to that.

 

He said that we should keep all our finances apart, and everything he makes after marriage (he makes much more than I do) should be only his and everything I make only mine. But I would still pay half the bills!

 

My point is that everything we both make after the wedding should be ours. In case of divorce, his real estate property stays his. But everything me and him make after we wed should belong to both.

 

I don't believe in marriage like this, where one is rich and the other isn't. It doens't make for good partnership, and it makes the one with money pull the strings. He is already controlling. Lastly, if he decides to dump me at the age of 65, I wouldn't have much on my own.

 

If he insists on a pre-nup, I will have to hire a lawyer, who will put this restriction and that restriction, making it a war.

 

I am so upset I am considering not getting married to him. I firmly believe that marrying someone with the same amount of assets/income than you is better. Most couples I know who are getting married do so with no pre-nups.

 

He is a very smart guy full of tricks and I am not. I hate the idea of hiring a lawyer to defend myself against my partner, but he is making me have to do it.

[aireyc]

I have never heard of such a thing. Do you really want to marry a guy who doesn't trust you enough to share the wealth? I don't think he's taking advantage of you, rather being selfish. I would seriously think about this before you go along with the marriage.

 

Chris

[Day_Walker]

Prenuptual agreements are a very good idea. Lets just think about it for a second, if you two cant agree on what should be in the prenup then how can you marry that person. Prenuptual agreements can protect the assents of both parties invloved, it also outlines what will happen in case of a divorce. This way both parties are aware of the rules of the game, a prenuptual agreement can keep things honest. It can also make it so that one party doesnt have a vested interest in taking the other persons money or assets. I believe that there should be 3 accounts in a marriage, both individuals have a personal account and there is a joint account. Both parties put money into the joint account and that pays the bills, how much each party puts in is based on how much they make. This system makes logical sense.

 

You have already mentioned that this guy is controling, he wants you to pay half of the bills when you are married and that your money is yours and his is his. This doesnt seem like a viable solution, perhaps you should take this as an indication that you shouldnt marry this guy.

[avman]

Pre-nups are only for assets that you bring into a marriage. Once you two are married, anything that you make or acquire is considered joint property and would be subject to being divided more or less equally in the case of a divorce. Separate accounts or not, the money is still subject to being divided.

 

However, I think you are right to be concerned about his controlling behavior. Thats the thing that really makes me nervous about this situation. If I were you, I'd postpone this wedding until you figure out just what he's doing.

[JonnyG]

I can only assume he is doing this because he is worried that u might be marrying him for the wrong reasons i.e. money. You have stated he earns much more than u and im guessing he is worried u might be after his money.

 

I obviously hope that this isn't the case and u geniunely love him but it would appear to me that this is the case. Has he been hurt before in the past by a gold digger?

 

If u do marry him and he in time realises u are geniune and love him for who he is and not his money, he will most likely change his will so that u benefit in case anything happens.

[Mun]

Awhile back I read an article in this forum about how older men often don't want to marry because they don't want to share their money--or lose it if they divorce.

 

Considering the hard time you have had to get your boyfriend to agree to marry you and now this...You have to ask yourself : Why do I want to marry this man?

 

Luciana you have stated that you are an attractive, intelligent woman who could have another man if she wished--why stay in this relationship that is causing you so much misery? I don't mean to sound harsh and I'm sorry if I do, I just worry about you. What are you getting yourself into? It is never too late to get away from someone who is not making you happy.

 

If it was me I would sign the pre-nup. Marriage is about love and honesty.. not money.

 

I know you have to do what is right for you. Be true to yourself Luciana... something that doesn't have a good beginning cannot prosper.

[d346]

I'm a big believer in pooling your resources when you get married. However, as for pre-nups, I really don't know much about them. I assume you can design it any way you like, and if that is the case, I would consider signing one...as long as it was reasonable, and practical -but NOT if it segmented EVERYTHING we had, as well as future earnings and acquisitions. That could lead to a lot of angry feelings and resentment -which could lead to a lot of unhappiness in the marriage, on both your behalves.

 

Perhaps you can agree to draw up something fair regarding the house. However, what does that mean for mortgage payments? That's where separate finances don't seem to make sense to me. You shouldn't contribute to a mortgage, if the house will never be yours. However, if you instead buy groceries, pay bills, freeing him up to pay more towards the house, aren't you indirectly paying for the house yourself? Sticky.

 

I really don't think you can have fully "separate" finances to have a successful marriage. You guys could have potential major problems if you have different financial priorities, if you think he's hoarding or spending $$ on things that are unimportant, while you are saving and penny pinching to send the kids to college. Doesn't seem right.

 

I do think that for some people, having separate bank accounts is a good idea -so you don't fight about spending money on the little things -it gives you financial independence to go out and buy that new purse without your hubbie giving you grief. I actually heard good advice about having a third bank account for bills, mortgage, groceries... and you each put an equal PERCENTAGE of your salaries in there. that way it may be unequal amounts, but you're both contributing the same percentage of your earnings -which I think is very fair. -and this would be key in your case, since you make less...but relatively, you'd be contributing the same as him. splitting bills in half just doesn't make sense...you're not merely roommates.

[Francis]

Let's say that someone has already taken advantage of this guy or someone in his family and he wants to protect his assets, that's fine. He wants to make sure you are not marrying him for his money.

 

However, even if he wants you to contribute to the marriage, at least you should contribute a percentage that is proportionate to your salary and you should not have to pay half the bills.

 

The whole thing sounds strange. You should think twice before marrying this guy.

[ComputerGuy]

The protecting of his assets really doesnt seem that bigger deal, but expecting you to pay half te bills when you earn less than him is wrong.....if you earn say 75% what he does, you should pay 75% what he does.....it should be a ratio......otherwise he needs to share.

[PAdreamer]

This has already been said, but I'm going to reitterate it because it's important: if a person wants to marry you, they are implying that they want to give their entire life to you. That should mean EVERYTHING. Pre-nups are a pretty disgusting concept in my opinion. Anyone who wants a pre-nup is saying two things: 1) they anticipate problems in the relationship, and 2) they don't trust you to be fair about what belongs to who IF anything bad happens. It's all about greed.

[Luciana]

Yes, he was burned before. His ex-wife took half of what they had. But she did live with him for 6 years, and he still had enough left!

 

The thing about us is that I have been with him for 6 years in an exclusive relationship. From 2000-2003 he went through a very bad patch and I supported him all along. I stayed with him when money was little.

It's funny how he postponed marriage all these years as if he was waiting for a better period so his assets remained his.

 

I already agreed his real estate will remain his after a divorce and will sign that. But I do not agree to not share all gains after that. Otherwise why will I feel supportive of him and his work just to make him richer?

 

I can of course see that a person with assets wants to protect that in cas eof divorce. But I just can't imagine him making 10 times more than me and I don't have access to this money too, having to ask him for money if I need anything. I am ready to share the gains and the losses too in case he loses what he has, gets sick or other life changes.

 

It's terrible when a man is so bitter about marriage. His favorite sentence is "once bitten, twice shy".

 

Anyhow, is there any reader out there that had to sign one? Did you agree in full or did you make modifications? I don't want a big fight to start between us.

 

MAybe I am old fashioned. I do see couples that are wealthy and everything belongs to both. I don't think he is doing this because he doens't love me (or he wouldn't want to marry me), but because his lawyer has advised him, or he is worried we will divorce..etc.

[OldGuy]

Marriage is about love and honesty.. not money.

 

Muneca, I agree with you that marriage is not about money. However, marriage is a great deal about trust. There are times when trust is the only thing that can keep love alive.

 

I would advise someone to marry a person they did not love before I would advise them to marry someone they did not trust.

 

And, that I think, is the problem here. This man does not trust this woman and I fear a marriage so founded is bound to fail.

 

So, I guess I agree with PAdreamer:

Pre-nups are a pretty disgusting concept

[PAdreamer]

To be perfectly honest, I think maybe you guys should get marriage counseling before actually tying the knot. A lot of people do it, and it helps you to talk through your fears about the future, and talk about things like money, kids, jobs... Maybe it will help him work through some of that bitterness and maybe he'll learn to trust you a bit more.

[Luciana]

I see some see advantage in a pre-nup, and others don't.

 

In my opinion, both have to want it. If one signs it out of pressure, there will be resentment.

 

Thanks you all, it's a very diffcult subject with no black and white answers.

[Mun]

I think Luciana has every reason to be worried. Not only does he want her to sign a pre-nup but they are going to split all the expenses in half?!!

 

I know I said this in another post. To me this would be like having a roomate with benefits.

 

This is an extreme example, but what if she gets sick? Will she have to go get money out of her account in order for him to buy her some nyquil? There are so many things that happen when you are married... will you divide every single expense?

 

I'm sorry if this is offensive Luciana. I hope that you do talk to your fiance about all the "what if's" and get some straight answers before you tie the knot. Like Oldguy said, there are trust issues here.

 

Luciana I do wish you the best...always

[SecondChance]

Yes, Luciana, red flags are going off for me as well.

 

The issue here is not only about trust, but about power. You have very correctly pointed out - what happens when you are married? Will you have to "ask" him for permission to spend "his" money? And splitting future expenses 50-50 when he makes 10x as much as you do..? Does he remember how much couples have to BUY together? Am I understanding this correctly? If you two need to buy a bed, for instance, and he can afford to spend $1000 and you can afford to spend $100 - then he's going to be sleeping in a $200 bed!

 

Luciana, this problem is not going to be solved by a joint account. Even if you had a joint account, his ATTITUDE is one of it's MINE, not OURS. Every time you spent something out of that joint account, you would be able to feel his suspicion, mistrust, and disapproval.

 

Yes, he has been burned. But the answer is NOT to sacrifice his future. It's like someone who has been cheated on who decides that they will never have a relationship again. They remained imprisoned by their past, and can't get over it. However, I'm sure he doesn't see it this way.

 

I would seriously recommend couples counseling. I would not marry someone without working through this issue. It's a biggie.

[Bingo72]

No matter which way you look at it or whose advice seems the best in the end you will not feel good about this marriage. I hope you don't go through with it because even if he has his "reasons", you will still not feel that you are "together" through it all

 

He will end up holding all the cards on this and making all the decisions here because it seems as if he feels that since he brings home bigger earning, that he'll have a bigger say in everything.

 

Please don't take the chance on this!