Men: Does checking dating profile signal he's not that interested?

[Wafils]

So I've been seeing this guy for 6 or 7 weeks now. We met on Match, and everything's been going swimmingly. Or so I thought. Dude acts like he's really into me, but he keeps logging on to his dang profile.

 

We had really good initial dates. We had a ton of fun our first night hanging out but didn't kiss or anything. He told me that night as we parted ways he wanted to see me again. So, we hung out the following weekend. Once again went well. He held my hand during a concert, but seemed a little too shy to kiss me, so I took the initiative and kissed him at the end of the night. He seemed really happy. Over the next few times we hung out, we made out and eventually had sex after three weeks or so (Yeah I know). We didn't discuss firm commitment but we both agreed (before having sex, a different date) that we like to date only one person at a time and only have sex whilst in a relationship. So we've been getting to know each other better, hanging out a couple times a week now. We talk on the phone every night and text throughout the day. He usually initiates (80 -90% of the time), but doesn't appear to notice or mind. I'm not playing games or messing with him, I make it clear I'm excited to hear from him and always respond as soon as I'm able (and I'm a busy girl).

 

There's other good signs too, such as he makes future plans for us- suggesting fun things we could do together, months down the road. I guess the only even slightly negative thing I could think of is that he never compliments me, even though I compliment him (on his kissing ability..his looks..etc). He seems kind of embarrassed so it's probably just hard for him to accept them much less give them. It's not a huge deal. He's not been in a relationship for three years now, but has only had two serious ones. Doesn't sound like he's dated much around. (We're mid 20s btw)

 

But him continuing to log in is kind of a deal, not a huge one but what the heck...I hid my profile the day after we had sex. It just seemed wrong to keep it up. So it's not like he's checking out my profile. I didn't even look at his again until after about a month, to check if his was down. He logs in, like, daily. At least everytime (not daily..maybe every two or three) I've been on he's been on usually within 24 hours. We never talked about it, beyond we don't date other people. I know that's probably what we need to do, but on the other hand I don't want to force anything prematurely (and of course...I don't want to admit to spying! lol). So I don't know. I guess I'm hoping to get insight from guys: is it possible to really be into a girl yet still check your freaking dating profile daily? I really don't get the vibe he's dating others...just a feeling in my gut says he's not like that. Maybe my gut's wrong lol, maybe there's a reasonable explanation I've just not yet thought of...

 

Any insights anyone can offer would be great, thank you! (Besides..that I shouldn't spy. I do know that it's not nice

[j.man]

Hard to tell. After 6 or 7 weeks, I'd probably be thinking there's a decent chance of something happening with this chick and not worry much at all about logging in. If I felt like the woman was losing interest, I might log in and keep my options open. That shouldn't be the case with you though, unless he's just really insecure and can't absorb the positive attention you give him.

 

Regardless, it's not something I would bring up. Unless you two are exclusive, there's no reason he should have to ditch the profile, and until you're exclusive, it's really none of your business if or how often he logs on. It sucks, but different people have different standards and expectations during the initial dating phase. If it's really troubling, I'd bring up the conversation about considering exclusivity. If it's been nearly 2 months and you two have had sex are are talking to each other as frequently as you say, I don't think it would be inappropriate timing.

[tjcalif]

I feel if you spoke about it before you had sex ( that you both don't have sex with others) I would assume he wouldn't have any business on Match anymore. He knew at that point you are not into that type of relationship. That is how I see it anyways..

You really can't say anything about spying on him because he might ask you what you were doing on Match lol .. I wouldn't say anything ( which will be hard) amd watch his actions or just talk to him about just sleeping with each other.. I wish you luck and you are only being careful I dont blame you on bit I am too!

[Lucy3]

Maybe just say to him now that you have agreed to only date each other and are physically intimate that it is a good time for you both to delete your profiles, see what he says and then check again if his profile is still active

[j.man]

We didn't discuss firm commitment but we both agreed (before having sex, a different date) that we like to date only one person at a time and only have sex whilst in a relationship.

Just wanna address this little bit. Implied exclusivity (which is what I'm assuming you're considering take this as) doesn't count for anything. You guys are simply agreeing on past trends. Don't bank on him assuming you two are exclusive, and suggesting that you two are now that you've had sex may very well scare him off. It's best to just disregard it and bring up being exclusive as a fresh idea.

[patterned]

You really have to decide for yourself what you want, and what you'll accept into your life. It should not be dependent upon anyone else. If he can fit into it great, if not...next!

[d24]

I think you need to drop it into conversation somewhere somehow at some point.

Even if it's jokingly;

login to your profile and show him a complete weirdo it thinks would be a good match for you, then say "i'm just going to hide my profile now - have you done that yet?"

[Ms Darcy]

Just wanna address this little bit. Implied exclusivity (which is what I'm assuming you're considering take this as) doesn't count for anything. You guys are simply agreeing on past trends. Don't bank on him assuming you two are exclusive, and suggesting that you two are now that you've had sex may very well scare him off. It's best to just disregard it and bring up being exclusive as a fresh idea.

 

I agree that you should have a direct conversation with him about what is going on. Are you bf/gf, are you exclusive?

 

I think in the future you should wait until you have agreed to be bf/gf before having sex.

[CatchersRye]

I will say that in general, it's not a clear sign of his interest in you.

 

Even though I am in a relationship I still get emails from link removed even though I set it so I was not looking for someone to date and clicked that I was in a relationship. Didn't know I could hide it though, so I'll try to remember and do that but most often I was delete the emails.

 

Also, you don't know what he is doing on that website for all you know he is filling out quizzes and stuff. Those are kind of fun to get the results back. Maybe he's updating his profile and pictures.

 

But you do need to talk with him about it. Not to be accusatory but just to clear the air. Open dialog requires not holding back on things you want to talk about. If you want this relationship to work out, you need to be open and willing to talk about stuff you are uncomfortable talking about. There's nothing wrong with that.

[PaintWithLight]

He is dating ou and enjoying the no-strings sex. You are mistaken to assume his willingness to have sex as an indication of willingness to have a relationship with you.

 

Also, stop viewing False Future dreaming as a good sign. It is a classic manuever to build a sense of security around a sexual connection. He can promise that in 3 months that you two will travel to Europe. It means zero and has no assurance that it will happen. What is guaranteed is that you will start acting like he has done something significant instead of just words, words, words.

[spektra]

Also, stop viewing False Future dreaming as a good sign. It is a classic manuever to build a sense of security around a sexual connection. He can promise that in 3 months that you two will travel to Europe. It means zero and has no assurance that it will happen. What is guaranteed is that you will start acting like he has done something significant instead of just words, words, words.

 

I confidently second this. My ex did it all the time, talked about things we'd do months ahead, and he meant none of it. However it was giving me a sense of security that he was serious about me, only to be disappointed every time his actions never matched those words. Some people do that, and it's a good idea not to read anything into words and just watch the actions.

 

I would not be too fond either of the fact that he is still checking his profile as often as he does. To me, it only means one thing: he is not 100% committed to me and still looking to see if anything better comes along.

But because you can't just go up to him and tell him you'd been spying on him (although it's human nature to do so, I don't think it's something that should be openly admitted to, lol), you have to get creative about it. Maybe just playfully ask him if he's still visiting the site, as if it's no big deal to you, just being curious, and see how he responds, and then take it from there. You may have to bring up the exclusivity talk, because he may not realize how much his constant logging in bothers you, he may think it's normal (because he's not hiding it, and he knows you can always check and see what he's been up to).

[Sousoua]

From personal experience - checking an online profile while seeing someone is not a good sign. Even if the guy is just doing quizzes or whatever - why do it on a dating site? Do it somewhere else; that's just making excuses for inconsiderate behaviour. Personally, I think it is disrespectful and shows lack of genuine interest towards the person you are seeing, as it implies you are still searching for something better.

 

[True story: I was talking to a guy online, we had been talking for nearly 2 months then one of my friends shows me a message that had been sent to her a few days ago. It was from the guy I had been talking to for the past 2 months, telling her how he was 'definitely' interested in getting to know her. Go figure]

 

It appears you are more invested in this than he is, sex doesn't mean commitment, (nor does it mean the same thing for men as it does for women), and unless you guys are explicitly IN a committed relationship, then realistically he has every right to contact other women, or see them even - despite the words 'we both like to see one person at a time while dating', honestly that means nothing. What matters here are your boundaries and what you consider to be appropriate behaviour (not just words) for you.

 

I'm going to be really straight forward here, so apologies if I come accross harsh - the fact that you are spying on him means that you feel insecure and unhappy about his actions, are your emotions clouding your objective judgement? Based on his *actions*, is this the man you want? Also, your confusion about whether he is interested or not, says a lot. False future aside - these are only words - if he was genuinely interested in you, you would not have to question it, especially after you have been together for nearly 2 months.

 

My two cents - emotions aside: are you really happy with this 'relationship'? Is this what you truly want?

 

Bottom line is - he's doing something that you are not 100% happy or secure about, speak up now or just settle. The only timeline you should follow is your own timeline.

 

Hope that helps x

[lavenderdove]

At a minimum he is still 'shopping' and will dump you when he finds someone better. At a maximum, he just plain lied to you and is still dating others while dating you.

 

He could have his 'out' as a technicality... i.e. he is not lying because he is not actually dating others, yet he didn't say he would stop looking either!

 

And you have to ask yourself, would you do this, keeping looking for new guys if you were really happy with who you were dating? I don't think you would. So it's a sign that you are a 'good enough for now' girl in his mind, but he is still looking around to see if he can find someone he likes better. Unfotunately some people just don't like to go without sex for very long, so they will 'settle' for some who they think is OK until they find someone they like better, then just hop to the new person when they find them. Then he'd tell you, 'hey, i was honest with you and didn't date anyone else while having sex with you, but now i'm going to break up with you because i've found someone else i'd like better to date.'

 

So i'd start by asking him if he is still checking his dating profiles or whether he has taken them offline and see what he says. If he lies about it, immediately dump him, and if he says he's still on, then that opens a conversation to discuss whether he is happy with you or still thinking he can find someone he likes better. And you can tell him that 'not seeing other people' in your mind means he devotes himself to seeing if the relationship will work and doesn't keep shopping for others while he's dating you (in other words, you expect him to be both exclusive and committed to exploring your relationship fully rather than being half in and half out).

[Wafils]

So it's a sign that you are a 'good enough for now' girl in his mind, but he is still looking around to see if he can find someone he likes better. Unfotunately some people just don't like to go without sex for very long, so they will 'settle' for some who they think is OK until they find someone they like better, then just hop to the new person when they find them. Then he'd tell you, 'hey, i was honest with you and didn't date anyone else while having sex with you, but now i'm going to break up with you because i've found someone else i'd like better to date.

 

See...This is what I was thinking could be the case...a "good enough for now" kind of thing. It's just so darn confusing because everything else, in his actions, would lead me to believe he was very interested in me. He calls every day without fail...he texts me throughout the day; invites me to lunch/ dinner often; introduces me to his good friends and coworkers; offers to change my oil; we share inside jokes and he likes to tease me..and more. It doesn't really add up that he'd be looking for someone else, but there the proof is, right before my eyes. I really don't think it's a sex thing. He's come over to my house several times without condoms (and I typically don't have any..I'm on the pill but we won't do anything unless he's wrapped up as well).

 

I myself don't put much stock in Future Dreaming or whatever either. It's not off the wall stuff he's suggesting, just simple day trips: "Would you want to ride with me to City that's 2.5 hours away in November to pick up my brother when he comes home for Thanksgiving?" when I mention I'd never been to City. I don't know, that just seems different than "We should go to City someday."

 

Thank you all for your good advice. I'm going to have to bring it up with him I guess, somehow. I just can never figure out how to start the conversation! I probably won't even mention the profile thing to start, I'll bring up as "where do you see this going" kind of thing, then if he declares he wants to be "bf/gf" I'll just ask in a charming way "so...how bout that Match account?" Not being pushy or accusatory, but kind of teasing and light. I really don't want to play the game of solidifying our status then sneakily checking on his profile later to see if it's still up...I just don't want that kind of relationship. I think now it's in this no-man's land kind of where neither of us really know for sure what the other wants, so nothing is really truly off limits. Declaring a commitment would set the necessary boundaries in place.

 

Sousoua, et al, no worries about being harsh. I want honest feedback, not necessarily nice feedback

[CatchersRye]

Don't worry about being sneaking. This sounds like a good opportunity to just ask him whether he wants a exclusive relationship or not. Asking, "where does he see this going?" is almost asking him to predict the future.

 

I would just ask if he feels ready for an exclusive relationship. And then make sure the conversation ends with a definitive statement of either yes you are now his girlfriend or no you are not.

 

Talking and doing all that stuff for you is just gestures and there needs to be a statement of to the status of the relationship.

 

And also be ready and willing to hear he might reply he is not sure if he wants to be exclusive with you yet. He may want to take some time to figure out his feelings. And then make sure you only allow him to do things with you that guys who are NOT your boyfriend are allowed to do.

[Ms Darcy]

All of this mystery can be resolved with a conversation with him.

[nates1984]

link removed

 

"Schwartz finds that when people are faced with having to choose one option out of many desirable choices, they will begin to consider hypothetical trade-offs. Their options are evaluated in terms of missed opportunities instead of the opportunity's potential."

[cdb1204]

I was in your very situation just last week.

 

A woman I've been dating since late July (we also met on Match) and I agreed early on to not see anybody else. We started having sex in early August. She seemed very insecure about whether or not I would end things (I liked her a lot and didn't want to). I assured her she had nothing to worry about — she assured me, in turn, that I had nothing to worry about on my end.

 

All of a sudden, she either takes forever to respond to my texts and stops taking my calls in general (we called and texted FREQUENTLY before this).

 

I got suspicious. Even though my Match profile is now hidden, and my subscription expired, I can still see people's profile's through the iPhone app (I can't do that on a desktop or a laptop).......and sure enough, she was online that very moment.

 

I texted her. I didn't tell her I'd been on Match, but I did say I suspected something is wrong......and that if she doesn't want to see me anymore then she needs to be upfront and tell me.

 

She responded back within a few hours and said she no longer felt the chemistry.......she swore she hadn't met another guy.....and she also said she LOVED spending time with me and thinks I am an AMAZING guy who has treated her better than any man previous.....but she doesn't wants to see me romantically anymore. She said she wants to remain really close friends and she even promised to call me this weekend (but she didn't, as I figured would be the case).

 

My advice to you — send this guy a message stating not so much an ultimatum, but a statement saying if he isn't interested then he needs to be upfront so you can move on. Question him about him being on Match only if he is being evasive.

[Heather Dawn]

A friend of mine started dating a guy on OK Cupid. They both agreed to deactivate their profiles - and did. But then she discovered that he'd reactivated his. BAD SIGN. And so is continuously logging in. Basically, my impression is that he's keeping his options open, seeing if something (that he deems) better comes along.