Masturbating w/ Vibrator = OK, Porn? BAD. Double standard?

[Unreasonable]

So, I used to masturbate, INFREQUENTLY, to porn back in the day. My wife told me it hurt her so I stopped. It NEVER made me find her less attractive, and we've always had a pretty healty sex life (I don't think we've ever gone past a week in 18 years of marriage).

 

BUT, I'm becoming increasing resentful about her own "solo time." She has restless leg syndrome and says it helps "relax her". Well, guess what, it relaxes me too. I don't think people always masturbate for the same reasons they have sex. But I think the mechanics of what get men and women off quickly and efficiently are different. Yeah, women hate porn, I get it. But I still think there's a double standard there and I'm starting to get P.O'ed by it.

 

Thoughts?

[Generation]

I think it's cause women don't fully understand why men do it. I could try to explain why, but someone's gonna challenge me and I don't want to engage, so I won't. Men know.

 

I'm not one of those sit-in-front-of-the-computer-for-an-hour-with-multiple-screens-open-with-a-monthly-subscription-to-XXXsite, unlike some guys, 5 minutes is all I need and that's cause I just wanna get on with my day. That doesn't make me better than anyone (or worse, I know what some of you are thinking...), I'm trying to illustrate what it is. I'm not gonna call it an addiction either though some people do get addicted.

[iamkaylee]

I think you should sit down and talk to her about it.

 

It is a double standard in a way. Your wife may not have a problem with you masturbating, just the porn. Perhaps if you explain the whys of porn to her, she'll understand. Not all women hate porn or mind their men using it.

 

A lot of couples enjoy porn together. That could be an option for the two of you. If it truly bothers her she might be in agreement to you using it as long as she doesn't know specifics. Kind of a don't ask, don't tell arrangement. I would not advocate you doing it behind her back though.

 

Good luck!

[Kaytie]

Many, many women like porn and use it to get off, just like men do. I seriously don't understand why some women have such issues with it.

 

Sounds like your wife has an issue with the porn, not the masturbation aspect. If it's both, then yeah...major double standard. As you stated, we masturbate and have sex for very different reasons and both are totally normal and acceptable.

[OptomisticGirl]

This is def. a double standard, and I would sit her down and have a talk with her. Now she's more than likely going to argue that she doesn't use porn during her solo time so be prepared to combat that argument. I, as a woman, have no issue with porn or my husband watching it as long as he never chooses to have solo time with it over being with me. Ask her why she doesn't like porn, what makes her uncomfortable about it, would she be willing for both of you to watch it... as another poster said, if she's having issues with you MASTURBATING that's a huge double standard. If it's she's okay with you masturbating (not that she should have anything to say about that anyway) but not the porn, then that's going to be a little tougher to argue.

[Unreasonable]

She claims she doesn't have a problem with me masturbating "without my tools" (i.e. porn). But that's just not how I roll. I'd probably end up thinking about something way more specific and personal than just some random images I'd never see again too, which I personally don't think is any better.

 

We've tried watching it together, but it always turns into some awkward event that we have to talk about for 2 hours afterwards and I'm just tired of it.

[Generation]

If it's she's okay with you masturbating (not that she should have anything to say about that anyway) but not the porn, then that's going to be a little tougher to argue.

 

I would say... then let's make a sex tape together! (and probably get slapped)

[Unreasonable]

This is def. a double standard, and I would sit her down and have a talk with her. Now she's more than likely going to argue that she doesn't use porn during her solo time so be prepared to combat that argument. I, as a woman, have no issue with porn or my husband watching it as long as he never chooses to have solo time with it over being with me. Ask her why she doesn't like porn, what makes her uncomfortable about it, would she be willing for both of you to watch it... as another poster said, if she's having issues with you MASTURBATING that's a huge double standard. If it's she's okay with you masturbating (not that she should have anything to say about that anyway) but not the porn, then that's going to be a little tougher to argue.

She'd argue that because she doesn't match up physically with these girls it makes her feel inferior. Yes, it doesn't make a whit of difference to me, I don't have ANY less attraction to her, I know she she's REAL, and nothing on a screen could ever replace her. I've told her all this, and more. But I guess it's some ingrained threat on the female psyche, and it doesn't help that she can find a ton of articles that back that up. I can't make her feel what she doesn't feel, right? It'd be nice if more women could have your outlook I guess.

[iamkaylee]

She has her "tools", why can't you have yours? Just a thought, not a real question towards you OP

[ButterflyWrists]

Tell her you don't like want her using her dildo then, cause that is a double standard, she has her tools, you should be allowed yours, her dildo may be bigger than you etc. I hate such doublestandards...

[Unreasonable]

If it wasn't a vibrator, it'd be a shower head. If it wasn't a shower head, it'd be her hand (I guess). In any case, while I know there exist women out there that can deal with this, I really think they're in the minority. That or this is a VERY loud and vocal minority. Hell even doctor phil can't keep his mouth shut.

[Kaytie]

Interesting...I've never had an issue with porn and neither have any of my (female) partners. And it's not like I haven't been with women who have some insecurities, but I guess they can separate what's real and what's on a screen.

[ButterflyWrists]

Hand is fine, but if you're not allowed to have aids then why is she? Ask her that because that isn't fair in the slightest. Or ask her for sexy pictures of her to use iunno. But she does have a double standard.

Maybe us girls on ena are a minority, or maybe we just see so many threads and sides of each story that it is easier to put things into perspective now when we may not have been able to in the past (thats true for me)..

[guynextdoor]

I say even up the playing grounds and get a flesh light.

[EQIQ]

I say even up the playing grounds and get a flesh light.

 

That is exactly what I was thinking. Cut the porn, and get a flesh light... see what happens.

[Unreasonable]

I say even up the playing grounds and get a flesh light.

That's actually kind of funny, but I'm not exactly looking for deliberate confrontation here.

[EQIQ]

That's actually kind of funny, but I'm not exactly looking for deliberate confrontation here.

 

Well that would end the double standard on a very basic level. Then you can see what the heck her problem is.

[Unreasonable]

Well that would end the double standard on a very basic level. Then you can see what the heck her problem is.The funny thing is I'm not even feeling the need. We're having sex. A lot. I'm just a bit bothered by the double standard.

[OptomisticGirl]

She'd argue that because she doesn't match up physically with these girls it makes her feel inferior. Yes, it doesn't make a whit of difference to me, I don't have ANY less attraction to her, I know she she's REAL, and nothing on a screen could ever replace her. I've told her all this, and more. But I guess it's some ingrained threat on the female psyche, and it doesn't help that she can find a ton of articles that back that up. I can't make her feel what she doesn't feel, right? It'd be nice if more women could have your outlook I guess.

 

If she says this tell her to measure your length and then measure the length of her vibrator, then tell her you can't match up physically to her toy so therefore she can't use it.

[iamkaylee]

The double stand bothers you because it's not fair! I don't think women that have a problem with porn are the majority or minority. There's a lot or reasons women can have a problem with it or just certain types/uses of it.

 

I think women that have a problem with their men using porn like in your case have underlying confidence, self esteem, sexuality, insecurity or trust issues. Your wife, I would say fits this description. Not all of these issues, but something is there.

[Unreasonable]

The double stand bothers you because it's not fair! I don't think women that have a problem with porn are the majority or minority. There's a lot or reasons women can have a problem with it or just certain types/uses of it.

 

I think women that have a problem with their men using porn like in your case have underlying confidence, self esteem, sexuality, insecurity or trust issues. Your wife, I would say fits this description. Not all of these issues, but something is there.

 

Yeah, but I think that's unfixable. Really. It's not like she's gonna see a therapist so she can feel better about me masturbating either. Ain't gonna happen.

[Kaytie]

Yeah, but I think that's unfixable. Really. It's not like she's gonna see a therapist so she can feel better about me masturbating either. Ain't gonna happen.

 

Well, she can't dictate what you do with your own body.

[Unreasonable]

Well, she can't dictate what you do with your own body.

Tell that to the thousands of women that get divorced over their husband's porn use each year. I personally think that's an idiotic reason to get divorced but oh well.

 

I could probably put my foot down and tell her to "deal" but she'd probably love me less for it.

[Kaytie]

Tell that to the thousands of women that get divorced over their husband's porn use each year. I personally think that's an idiotic reason to get divorced but oh well.

 

I could probably put my foot down and tell her to "deal" but she'd probably love me less for it.

 

I meant specifically that she cannot dictate whether you touch yourself or not - not the porn per se. She has no right to say whether you jerk off or not. She can tell you how she feels about porn, but not try and ban you from masturbating.

[nbr]

My goodness.

 

Porn is an interesting thing isn't it.

Women get scared by it because they think their men are fantasizing about *those* women, and to a limited extent they are right, but barely.

My wife and I watch softcore together (cinemax/showtime) and occasionally harder stuff too (though she doesn't like it that much).

I enjoy the soft stuff, but also like the more graphic stuff, so we indulge each other.

 

To OP, you may want to explain how you really feel about porn to your wife, not the double standard thing (though the fleshlight thing is *funny*, I think my wife would hate that more than all the porn in the world...), but rather exactly what the visual stimulation does for you. Women who are insecure about it I think have either body image issues, or security issues.

For me AC material is more about fantasy. I usually visualize myself and my wife doing whatever I am watching, not me and the other girl (though I do sometimes), or my wife and the other guy (very infrequently, but yes even that sometimes). It is about stimulation and arousal. The only time it has caused an issue in our RS is when I wanted to try something I'd seen and it didn't work out all that well

 

Men are *very* visual creatures. Many need more stimulus than just themselves to really be successful at masturbation. My wife and I have a simple agreement: I will always ask her flat out if she wants me before I go into the back room, and nearly always this is after I've already tried wooing her (she's not a very sexual woman). She doesn't have her feelings hurt by it, because she *always* comes first. Only once lately have we had a mis-que and I did my best for her anyway, but it ended up lacking (I think she knew I was not going to climax, so she ended up shutting down).

 

Openness is paramount, and you tow need to talk it over. Get some softcore shows (Sparticus, Blood and Sand is really good) and see what she thinks.

-nbr