Ex keeps contacting me.

[rich46]

Hi,

 

I've not posted a lot lately as things have been going ok in my life, moving on with no contact from the ex.

 

It had been about 5 weeks since our last contact, and 3 months since the end of our 3.5 years together. We met when we were 18 and so were eachother's first loves, but we have lived 100 miles apart for the last year and she drifted away from me. She found new friends at her new job, started getting chatted up by other guys at nightclubs, and after gradually becoming more distant with me, ended it.

 

She wanted to stay "best friends" but I couldn't handle that. So I insisted on no contact and I've been gradually been picking myself up from rock bottom. I'm going to New Zealand in February as I think it is what I need, and will be a great learning experience for me, and make me a stronger person.

 

Now, to the present.

 

1. She texted me her new number last week and I replied with a simple Thanks.

 

2. She contacted me again 3 days ago on Messenger and ever so unsubtley informed me about her new "friend." Well this guy's mother had just died of cancer and my ex sounded a complete wreck. I told her that I didn't want to know and that while I obviously sympathised, it was not my problem. She kept on asking me if I had met anyone else, but I didn't give her the satisfaction of knowing. But I took this opportunity to tell her about my trip to NZ (rightly or wrongly, but I always planned on telling her at some point as I couldn't just up sticks without letting her know). She tried to make me feel guilty, and so I ended the conversation.

 

3. The following day she sent me a text message saying "Sorry I contacted you last night. I haven't slept for days, I just want my friend to be ok." I didn't reply. (This "friend" is obviously a rebound but surprisingly, it didn't affect me that much).

 

4. She called earlier today in tears. Her number was withheld, so I had no choice but to answer it. She was extremely upset, depressed, told me she missed me, felt used by this new guy, and even remarked that I sounded like I had changed (like she sounded surprised that I was no longer the broken man I was 3 months ago). Anyway, again I ended the conversation and told her that we couldn't be friends right now and that she couldn't keep calling me like this.

 

5. I checked my phone and just prior to her calling she had sent a message saying "How much does it cost to go to New Zealand? Thinking of getting a graduate loan... x" - I didn't reply.

 

She has obviously rebounded and because she isn't getting the attention of this new guy (because of his mother passing away), she has tried to turn to me. I really don't take any pleasure in seeing her like this, and it makes me feel bad. Suddenly I'm the one who is doing well, and she is the one who is in turmoil. It is like everything I've read over the last few months has come true. They always say that the dumpee becomes stronger because he/she doesn't have any choice, while the dumper will have to deal with it all at a later date.

 

Any comments? I told her to stop contacting me as it's for the best, and I don't want to start resenting her or I'll change my phone number.

 

Just thought I'd get that out in the open,

 

Thanks for reading,

 

Rich

[herewegoagain]

rich - wow!!! that is a big turn of events. Like I always say, what goes aroung comes around. Now she is seeing what it is like to be hurt. I still wish my ex would contact me, not to get back with her, but just for the satisfaction that you are sort of getting now.

 

Well, all I can say is, just be careful. I know you do not want to be too nice, but be careful not to be too mean. Of course, it's up to you, and you have to determine if you ever want her back or not.

 

Just see how it goes.

 

So are you glad that she called (messaged), or do you really not care? just curious.

[MattTheStudent]

Be careful my friend- sounds like she might break your heart again if you let her. Just be careful and maintain your distance. Ask her a sobering question, like, "Why have you been neglecting me for the past (however long) and now all of a sudden things aren't too hot with your new boyfriend and you call me?" Try not to be harsh about it, just express your feelings. Good luck.

[rich46]

Trust me, I haven't been too harsh! Maybe the way I wrote it above makes it seem that way, but I think I struck a good balance between being nice and being harsh.

 

I just feel confused to be honest. Certainly not happy as I hate seeing her like this. But there is a tiny fraction of me that says "well she is seeing that the grass isn't always greener."

 

It's certainly true about them comparing their rebounds to their exes. She said to me "You wouldn't have treated me like that" and "I'm scared that I'm letting go of a good thing."

 

But I'm not letting these comments get to me. I know that she could be saying these things to hold me back, or simply because her rebound isn't showing her the interest she needs.

 

Nice to hear from you by the way!

[rich46]

Be careful my friend- sounds like she might break your heart again if you let her. Just be careful and maintain your distance. Ask her a sobering question, like, "Why have you been neglecting me for the past (however long) and now all of a sudden things aren't too hot with your new boyfriend and you call me?" Try not to be harsh about it, just express your feelings. Good luck.

Thanks Matt. I agree, I'm not getting my hopes up. I did ask her a similar question and her reply was "because you told me you didn't want to have any contact." I don't think that's the reason though - it's simply because she was having fun with this "friend" rebound guy!

 

I've come a long way this last few months, and I'm not gonna let this get to me. If she really wants me back, then she will need to work hard because I'm getting on with my life and I'm not going to do any chasing.

 

Thanks,

 

Rich

[chai714]

If she really wants me back, then she will need to work hard because I'm getting on with my life and I'm not going to do any chasing.

 

I think that is a very good attitude to have in your situation. Stick to your guns and you'll come out a winner regardless of what happens.

[hockeyboy]

well ive been following your story for some time now as you know and im sure youve been following mine.

 

isnt it weird...a few months ago, this is what you probably wanted. you were probably waiting for this time to come where she would be contacting you. but you thought it would never happen. now that it does happen, your attitude has changed, shes probably to late...and everytime she contacts you and gets the response that you give her she feels that its getting to late, she feels you slipping away.

 

it sounds to me like you still want to move on. but if you do try to fix things with her...please talk to me first. last year, when my ex of 4 years left me...this exact same thing happened. she contacted me in the same way your ex is contacting you, acted the same way. i could have gotten her back..i know it, she even said so. but i made mistakes.

 

so am i right...is it to late? its often said that our exs will realize their mistakes, but by the time they do it will be to late...this true for you? let me know and go from there.

 

regardless..in the end, you are a stronger and better person...you came accross as the bigger person out of all this and should be proud. im happy for you as i am happy for myself. keep smiling.

[CarterJonas]

You are doing the right thing rich, and no you are not being too harsh on her. You have to look after yourself now. Continue to make plans for the future and have a nice trip to NZ.

[rich46]

Thanks guys!

 

chai714 - thanks a lot, I must stay strong through this and keep my positive attitude.

 

hockeyboy - it's never too late! BUT I'm kind of taking things in my stride, and I'm concentrating on my own life. The GREAT thing now (thanks to no contact) is that I know that I will be fine with or without her. This wasn't the case a few months ago, when I thought I'd be a miserable wreck without her in my life. Plus it kind of complicates things that I'm going away for 3-6 months in February - but I'm doing that no matter what as 1) it is paid for (not cheap!) and more importantly 2) I think I need to do it to make me a stronger, more independent person.

 

CarterJonas - yes I have to remain a little harsh, if only to protect myself from getting hurt again. The key is like you said, to keep looking to the future! (sorry about the result yesterday by the way!)

 

Rich

[hockeyboy]

so what are your plans. you dont want to keep contact with her. are you doing that till you feel ready or want to contact her or are you making her suffer a little...or are you just taking it one day at a time and have no idea what your doing....if so, nothing wrong w/ that.

[rich46]

so what are your plans. you dont want to keep contact with her. are you doing that till you feel ready or want to contact her or are you making her suffer a little...or are you just taking it one day at a time and have no idea what your doing....if so, nothing wrong w/ that.

Well there's no way that I'm gonna keep in touch with her while she still hasn't officially broken up with the rebound. It's still too soon for me anyway I think. I mean I'm doing well, but I'm not 100% healed and so I'm not ready (or willing) to open myself up for more hurt. She'll probably contact me again soon, but I don't know how I'll react. Yeah I suppose I do want her to suffer a bit. Just because she's having a rough few days does not mean I'm gonna be her knight in shining armour. If I did that, she'd drop me when she felt better as she'd know I was always there for her, no matter what.

[JTS]

Wow, what a classic reaction to the situation on her part. She knows that you are right for her and she made mistakes and now she is seeing the error of her ways. Unfortunately for most of the dumpers the feeling on the other side has faded enough to make a difference.

 

Im glad you are moving on, you are handling it perfectly. I am going to take pointers from your post as the same thing is going on with me

[lost_puppy]

Rich,

 

How interesting ... all of a sudden my ex is trying to contact me too (but indirectly). If you want, check out my post link removed

 

And I feel the same as you. I wish she'd leave me alone. But the good thing with me is, I think she understands that I need NC now, and hopefully she'll stop trying to contact me. I'd try to get your ex to realize that, too. Good luck

 

LP

[hockeyboy]

you are handling in very nicely. im sure she will contact you again as well. maybe you could talk to her before you leave for your trip and tell her that maybe..just maybe...when you get back youd like to catch up and see how things are.

[rich46]

Thanks for the encouagement JTS and hockeyboy! I'm sure there'll be more contact before I go in february - our would-be 4th anniversary is on October 31st - should be an interesting day!!!

 

lost puppy - I think my ex does understand the need for no contact. And for the most part, she has gone along with it. But it is only just hitting her that I'm not her security blanket...and she's panicking! By the way, I replied to your post but I think the best advice for you can be summed up in two words - no contact! But you already know that, so you'll be just fine given a good amount of time.

 

Take care,

 

Rich

[shockeddismayed]

Good work Rich,

 

From a guy who has been struggling with all sorts of "I want you back but need to heal first" comments and all sorts of nonsense....

 

All I can say is I wish you luck.

 

Remember these feelings of strength that you have right now... remember that you are not the confused one, she is.

 

I say this because as she continues to increase the intensity of her contacts, she can drag you back into her confusion and internal turmoil.

 

Don't let her do that.... don't let her drag you in until YOU can TRUST her intentions because she has come right out and said them outloud.

 

I think you are doing a great job. Continue to keep a healthy distance so that when the time comes, you can make an objective decision from the solid ground that you are now standing on. Be sure not to make the decision before she does.... as that can only complicate things... allow you to get confused... and get hurt by (or over-react to) her natural waffling.

 

Keep paddling upstream until you see her settle. Then decide.

[rich46]

Great advice shocked&dismayed!

 

I must admit it is hard not to think about stuff like this, but I've read too many stories of this happening, i.e. the dumpee jumping for joy when hearing that the ex "misses you," but before you know it the dumper is backing away again.

 

So I am on my guard. If she is serious about trying to get back together with me, then she'll have to show it. Anything less and I'll be keeping my distance and focusing on my own life.

 

Thanks for your post - think I will print out this thread and continue to read it whenever I feel a sign of weakness setting in.

 

Take care,

 

Rich

[hockeyboy]

well if your going to print this out....

 

 

 

DON'T CALL HER

 

YOU DON'T NEED HER

 

YOU ARE STRONG...STRONGER THEN HER

[rich46]

Thanks hockeyboy!

 

I definitely won't be calling her - I haven't done that for over 2 months! But what if she calls me? I've been out all day today, but my brother answered the phone earlier on and the person hung up. The number had been withheld.

 

Still, whoever it was will call back if it was anything important!

 

Rich

[hockeyboy]

I dunno. I've thought about what I would do..even though it will never happen. If my ex ever calls, i wont pick up. If she left a voicemail, id call her back...if she called a few more times, id pick up. I wouldnt pick up to try to get back with her though, it would be more out of curiosity. I think its important that if she calls and you talk to her that you make the conversation short and sweet...and you end it saying you have something to do. Tell her you have a "friend" over maybe....maybe its cruel, but she deserves it. remember the hell we went through? I think its important that everybody learns from a breakup....we've learned a lot, maybe that would teach her something. And if you two are ever going to be together...like i said "if"...then a lot needs to change. she needs to hunt you down and seek you out. she needs to persist, she needs to feel bad, she needs to walk a couple billion miles in your shoes.

 

i realize now that my ex and i could never be together when i was trying to get her back cause we were playing on two different fields. it simply cannot work when one person is committed so much more. i will never be with my ex again. however, i feel now that her and i are more on an even ground...shes no longer above me. she may not know this because i dont talk to her..but it doesnt matter. actions speak louder then words...and not talking to her...just randomly one day i stopped, just like that...cold turkey. those actions will speak volumes of what has happened. she'll realize it eventually if not already. the less you care, the more they do....its just to bad that by the time they grow up and are capable of what you needed before...you dont need, not even want.