Am I Expecting Too Much?

[pietro5266]

I'm a single guy with 2 young kids; I have them every other week. Today is the start of one of my weeks.

 

I'm dating a woman who has no kids. My kids have met her once or twice before, briefly, and I've been considering the possibility of slowly bringing her into the picture.

 

Last night, I invited my girlfriend to come visit me tonight, after I got my kids settled. She said maybe, she'd see how she was feeling, when she got of work, etc. We talked about it again earlier today. Tonight, she texts me that she and a co-worker decided to go out to a movie.

 

This is not the first time I've invited her over, when my kids were here, and she's basically ignored the invitation. She says she's not intimidated by my kids. She's also said she was looking to be more serious with me. However, I get the impression that she *is* uncomfortable about my kids, or that she would just rather not sit at home when she can go out, even though I have to stay home. In fact, she usually won't come over at all during the week my kids are with me, and we just talk on the phone. This makes me kind of lonely during these weeks.

 

Am I being too selfish here? Clingy? Unrealistic? Is it selfish to expect a girlfriend to spend time with you even when you're tied to your house because of kids?

 

My guess is that my girlfriend and I may simply have different priorities and that this is probably not a good match. I just want to make sure I'm not overreacting.

[savignon]

I would feel the same way you are feeling. Maybe you can enjoy it for what it is... Or maybe uou'll have to take another look at what kind of qualities you're looking for for the long haul.

Best wishes!

[abitbroken]

How long have you been dating? That would be a big factor. If I were only dating a guy a few months, I definitely wouldn't go over when the kids were there. I think that I would take a loooong time before a bf/gf hung out casually at the house with the kids there. I mean, as a kid i could hear every word the babysitter and her boyfriend said while I was "asleep" and kids have a way of being more needy when they know someone is over. And it depends how old the kids are, Some people don't even do that until you know the person might be "the one" - i have a cousin where the new guy didn't meet her small children for a year. ..i mean they met once but it was in a situation where there was no pressure and they met other people that day too.

 

You guys talk of "getting more serious" but if you have not gone out too long, you might have a different idea of what that means. She may mean a physical relationship and your idea of serious is that you want her to come over while the kids are sleeping -- so if someone gets up late asking for a drink of water, how do you explain what she is doing there or why she is there?

 

I can't say more without knowing more particulars, but if a woman is content to spend as much time as she can with you when the kids aren't there and then talks to you every day but backs off during weeks that they are there, she could just be being respectful in a newer relationship.

 

If you have the kids every other week, would you hire a babysitter for a couple of hours once a week to go on a date if it is after homework, etc? Or have your mom/sister sit with them while they are sleeping for a few hours? Maybe this would help and then you can ease into maybe doing something with the kids and her once in awhile at first. It is better really to plan an actual event (have her over for dinner with them or meet at the park with them) rather than having her sit around the house with you.

 

Do you ever PLAN something - for her to come over and eat this fantastic dessert that you are making - instead of "come by and sneak around with me while the kids are sleeping." That may make things different.

 

Anyway - overall - she is not their stepmom. You are getting to know if you guys like eachother and work before bringing the kids in the mixture.

[pietro5266]

@savignon, I think you are exactly right.

[pietro5266]

@abitbroken, we've been dating over a year, with a break of a few months in between. I agree that it should take a long time to introduce kids to one's gf/bf, until you are wanting to consider something long-term.

 

My gf and I have talked about long-term, and she's said she's interested in that, but I get the impression that she may not really be ready for "instant family".

 

It wouldn't be "sneaking around", although I know what you're saying. My kids would be settled, in bed reading. I have thought about taking all of us to dinner. And your idea of doing something, like cooking a dessert, is great! I will try that.

 

In any case, I will probably need to discuss this further with her, to see what she's thinking.

[Justin Nutt, LMSW]

I don't think that you are expecting too much at all. Just like when a man with no children dates a single mom and they are also dating the kids in a sense too. As a man who doesn't have children, but has dated single moms I can understand her unwillingness to meet your children if it is early on in the relationship. Kids sometimes change the dynamic of a relationship and if you meet a woman (or a man's in this case) children too soon there can be a confusion over if you are with the person because you like the kids or you like the woman (man.) Now I would say if you have been dating for some time and she is still apprehensive about meeting your children you may need to have a talk with her about the reason for this.

 

A good analogy for dating is that dating is the interview and the relationship or marriage is the job. If you were interviewing people for a job as a chef you would want to know if the person was any good at cooking and comfortable in the kitchen. In your situation you need to know if she likes children and how she feels about the fact you have them a previous marriage. It would be a terrible thing to end up with this woman and find out that she doesn't like children or that she saw yours as an inconvenience.

[itsallgrand]

I'd think it gets kinda tricky when being with someone who is "part time" parent. You get the life with them as a single person, and then they also have this life as "dad". But it's not like when someone is full time parent: you see what is there right in front of you. With a part timer, and not using that term to mean that you are any less a parent obviously!, but the illusion of you being without kids can prevail. Especially since this is how she primarily knows you, and enjoys her time with you.

 

So I think if you want her included in this other part of your life, the one where you are dad, and it's a family, you need to be the one making the big gestures and showing her really clearly WHAT your expectations are. And what kind of role she can expect to have in this family dynamic, and in those kids lives. What part will she play? What can she hope for? What is definitely off limits?

 

If you haven't had that kind of talk with her yet, really clear, maybe it's time? And see what she sees as what part she might play, or not, and how the two of you might live if you take this relationship further?

 

If I were in her position, I'd be pretty dainty too and keep a pretty clear distance.... waiting for you to initiate for sure...and still, it would freak me out some. I'd be afraid to become attached to those kids. Well she might be coming from someplace else...you need to hear from her...but this is one possibility.

[luminousone]

First off I would feel uncomfortable if I was invited to come over after the kids were settled in the evening- it would seem like you just wanted a booty call.

 

She has only met them a few times and may not feel comfortable with that, with kids up the hall...

 

However you could start to invite her to do things with you and the kids during the daytime, like a trip to the fair, a bike ride, a trip to the movies, a hike, miniature golf, the movies, etc. That way she and your kids can bond more and they'll get more used to each other.

 

Who says you have to be tied to the house?

 

Eventually as they get to know each other you could have her over more in the evenings like for a special dinner, or perhaps a game night or to see a movie the kids and she might like.

 

Try to ease her and them into a more natural relationship.

 

Make sure your intentions are for the longterm because it would not be fair to your kids to have people come in and out of their lives.

 

She may be hesitant for just that reason.

[abitbroken]

Yeah, if the kids are in bed reading versus a small children totally asleep and unaware, that would feel odd or intimidating - you know if someone is over they are going to want you to come into their rooms, etc. Sure, she will have that someday, but going from meeting the kids once or twice to bedroom stories is a bit like playing house and I don't blame her. I think seeing the kids outside of your house more on neutral territory where the kids also don't feel threatened either. Also, who says you can't meet for lunch during the workday on your "week with the kids." I still stand behind the idea of having a relative sit with the kids one night a week. It would also give you the opportunity for her to come over for a few minutes to see the kids before you embark to gradually introduce her over time and they can also figure out what she is to you on their terms.