My mother is basically his slave.

[Snowy]

This is the first time I'm posting about this. In fact, this is the first time I've ever reached out for any sort of help. I will try write as succinctly as possible.

 

I'm 18, my mother and father have been married for 19 or 20 years. We were originally from another country, but just the 3 of us migrated to Australia. For as long as I could remember, me and my mother has been walking on eggshells, just to satisfy my father. But mostly my mother. We live with fear every single day.

 

My father is, I believe, beyond the typical abuser. The list could go on forever but I'll list just a few:

- He sets all the rules for me and my mother

- We can't do anything without his permission (when he was angry, we would not let my mother go to church)

- He would shout/yell/condescend us over tiny thing

- He doesn't see it as abuse, he says he is "helping" us.

- It is not possible to reason with him. He is always "right".

- On occasions, he would resort to physical abuse (hair pulling, throwing things)

- My mother does everything around the house, he does nothing. Yet, he would criticize harshly if the day's dinner wasn't cooked to his expectation.

- Hypocritical in every way.

 

Now, he is very nice when he interacts with other people. No one would ever think he is abusive at all. The rest of our family tree (my father's side) has known about his abusive nature, but no one ever saw it as anything important. Everyone we know thinks we are one happy family.

 

 

At first I, just as you are probably now, wondered why my mother hasn't divorced him after all these years. Yesterday, she told me. This is the scary part.

She said that before they got married, he was already abusive, and once threatened to suicide if she left him. And after they got married, she has brought up divorce numerous times but he threatened to murder her and me and then himself.

He says that "we either live together or die together".

The reason my mother hasn't disappeared is because she fears he might murder me if she did. She also wants me to have a good education (and yes indeed I got one). That's why she has endured all these years.

Her plan is, once I'm independent, we will disappear and she'll arrange a divorce through a lawyer. Then we will start a new life in a place where he can't find us.

 

I can't believe what my mother has done for me. I love her and won't ever leave her.

 

Thoughts?

 

Please ask if anything needs clarifying.

[blueidealist24]

Wow.. I really don't know what to say. Your mother obviously really cares about you. I hope you guys can get away from his abuse ASAP.

[Miss Firecracker]

How long before you will be independent?

[Snowy]

How long before you will be independent?

 

I'm 18 so I'm independent already.

 

Let me clarify. She wants me to become independent before she divorces him so there wouldn't be a fight over who I stay with.

 

But now...she has hinted that she wants me to finish university before we do anything, which would be in 4 or 5 years.

[Miss Firecracker]

I'm 18 so I'm independent already.

 

Let me clarify. She wants me to become independent before she divorces him so there wouldn't be a fight over who I stay with.

 

But now...she has hinted that she wants me to finish university before we do anything, which would be in 4 or 5 years.

 

I couldn't get through it. I just couldn't. You two need to be very far away from this man, the sooner the better. And most of all, do NOT let him catch you.

[Minx2012]

This is an extremely serious and sensitive issue. For one thing, there is a cultural-psychological aspect to this. Even though your mother wants to protect you and wants to escape, there hs been MANY painful years of abuse ( probably, in her mind, attributed to what is " culturally accepted " or the " cultural norm " in her country ). So, she has to get over this ( if she's not already ).

 

You are now a grown man who has the power to help your poor, helpless, loving, wonderful mother. Do not let her suffer any longer. I am not sure how you can do it but you live in Australia, where I am sure there are social services ( law enforcement, shelters, human rights groups ) who can HELP you both. In this age of technology, is there some way where you can record your father ACTUALLY abusing her? Even if he doesn't utter the words " I will kill you, our son and myself ", the fact that he physically abused her and such can be grounds for imprisonment, should your mother charge him with domestic violence. Is your father well-connected with the cultural community in the area that you live in? If he is, then obviously, this is another complication to safe haven ( as there are such things as " honour killing " ).

 

The reality is this : Your mother has endured so much pain. Do not let her cry or hurt anymore. You are now more than just a boy, but an adult. I think you have the power to help her...you just have to think very carefully, plan and then get her out of the situation.

[Snowy]

No she does believe the abuse is "culturally accepted". As far as I know, she told me the sole reason she endured it was for me, and for the reasons I've already stated.

 

Thanks for the suggestions but I don't think it's safe to resolve this issue the "usual" way. If he finds out we are seeking help from kind of service, we could be in danger. Even if he does get arrested, I don't think these claims would get him prison time. And it is definitely impossible to "cure" him of his twisted mentality through counselling or whatnot because he firmly believes what he does is perfectly normal and right, and it's been this many years.

 

I really feel like we should just pack up, leave while he's at work and leave a letter saying we're gone. But the fact that my mother has suffered much more than me makes me feel that she should have a bigger say in how to escape this, which I think is for me to finish university before leaving.

[Avila]

This is a hard one. You live in Australia so check for places like a women's refuge. if you can, try and record him saying abusive things. a lot of cell phones have a recording feature. if he physically abuses her, take photographs and document how and when they were taken. make copies and keep them in separate places so that you have a backup. do not hesitate to involve the police if things get out of hand. he's a bully.

 

your mother is a strong woman to put up with this. but she must agree with you to move out if that is your wish. you guys have to be clear about it because women who have suffered abusive relationships often do return and this is a very unsafe situation for you both.

 

one last thing. tell someone. tell lots of someones if you have to so that people KNOW. his power lies in the fact that people see you guys as this happy family when you aren't. he's able to get away with terrorizing you and your mother that way.

 

when it comes time to run. disappear. this will take a lot of organization before hand. but try and stay off his radar as much as possible. consider moving to another state to go to university.

[Miss Firecracker]

I hope he has no access to this website.

 

I understand your devotion to your mother, but you have been fortunate to live to the age of 18. Consider your mother, but most of all, get away from this man. You have a life to live, and I want you to have that chance!

[Snowy]

Thanks Avila. I don't think she'd need a women's refuge. She has enough qualifications and experience in her field to get a decent job anywhere.

 

And no, my mother specifically asked me to keep this a secret. (I'm kinda breaking this rule by coming to ENA).

 

For him, it's not about "getting away with terrorizing" at all. He would sometimes verbally abuse me or my mother in front of others, and feel like he's doing the right thing.

 

I really don't know...

 

I badly want to disappear ASAP, but it'll take a lot more time and effort to be admitted into uni in another state or another country. On the other hand, I'm doing very well academically at the moment and if we stay, I can smoothly make it into a prestige course at university starting next year. This would set me up with some very nice qualifications that could make my life (finding a job) a lot easier in the future.

 

 

 

Thanks Miss F.

 

He's not competent with the English language, so it's not likely he'd like this thread. He wouldn't even look up these issues anyway.

 

You are right. So you think I should tell my mother to leave ASAP?

[Miss Firecracker]

You are right. So you think I should tell my mother to leave ASAP?

 

Yes! I truly do. Tell your mom that you will find a way to get your education. You can work your way through. Do whatever it takes to disappear quickly. You know this man will very likely sense what your mother is planning. He has to know this cannot last forever. Every day you are there puts you and her both in greater danger.

[Snowy]

Yes! I truly do. Tell your mom that you will find a way to get your education. You can work your way through. Do whatever it takes to disappear quickly. You know this man will very likely sense what your mother is planning. He has to know this cannot last forever. Every day you are there puts you and her both in greater danger.

 

I think you are right. I need to compromise a bit of my education for our safety.

 

I will discuss this with her asap.

 

Thank you.

[becomingkate]

Hi Snowy. I'm so sorry to read this, and to be honest, it scared the hell out of me. I live in a city with a high statistical crime rate, but these aren't regular crimes. Most of the deaths that occur here are murder-suicides. One year at least five couples perished, along with some children.

 

I think that you and your mom are at risk.

 

I think the best solution is to plan a get away. If it were me, the next time I came into any money at all (get a loan if you have to) I would move accross the country and start over. Change your name if you have to.

 

Good luck. I hope things work out for you and your mom.

[Minx2012]

No education or career is worth it if your mom gets hurt in the process. Seriously, I could never feel completely successful or even remotely happy if I had known that my mother BLED for it.

[abitbroken]

The biggest thing I would suggest is to get independent as possible so you have the income to put yourself through school even if you do one class at a time so that when your mom leaves, you can leave. Or even leave sooner. I would secretly get a safe deposit box at the bank and put the most precious photos, especially if they are not the kind that are on display so your dad wouldn't know they are gone or make copies when he is not home. i.e., your mother's parents, great grandparents - priceless photos of people who are no longer around or your baby pics.

 

I would do this gradually.

 

Then I would get copies of birth certificates, passports, etc for you - and encourage your mom to do it to and keep it there as well.

 

Practice with your mom leaving the house at a certain time every day for a little while and always coming back so neighbors get used to her coming and going like no big deal.

 

Then one day, she doesn't come home. Maybe you BOTH don't come home. And you will have copies of bank papers, important stuff already waiting for you at the safe deposit box. I would normally say keep them with a close friend but if you don't have anybody and anyone would snitch to your dad, don't.

 

She might not get assets this way but she will be safe. But maybe somehow she can talk to a women's shelter first or an abuse survivors group, etc, secretly.

 

Your dad moved her to australia to isolate her.

 

And abusers are typically well liked by people who aren't close to them.

 

Also, can your mom move back to her original country to be with family? Or is she/you better off in Australia?

 

Also, if your dad is threatening to kill her and you if she leaves, then you need to seriously talk to the women's shelter to get some legal counsel but also talk to the authorities and ask what you should do. They take these things seriously.

[Snowy]

Wow thanks. I will definitely think about all these from now on.

 

Going back to our original country would be suicide because my father would know straight away.

 

Our options are basically another state in Australia or another English speaking country.

 

Thanks again.

[abitbroken]

Wow thanks. I will definitely think about all these from now on.

 

Going back to our original country would be suicide because my father would know straight away.

 

Our options are basically another state in Australia or another English speaking country.

 

Thanks again.

 

The only two options that you can easily without months of paperwork is somewhere else in Australia or your home country, and then you can apply to go to another country if you want to. If she fears for her life, you guys need to contact authorities also, but I would talk to counselors at a women's shelter or group first so that you know what steps to take so its not a situation where he is charged and then just let go and does something to her.

 

The biggest problem here is not actually getting away - but sometimes abused people have a relationship where they feel guilty and either go back to their abuser or give them a clue about where they are. Your mother has to be extremely strong or be with folks who will support her in not contacting him no matter how much she misses him. A classic abuser manipulation is to convince the abuse how they've "changed."

[Snowy]

Yep got it.

 

Thanks

[agent1607307371]

I'm 18 so I'm independent already.

 

Let me clarify. She wants me to become independent before she divorces him so there wouldn't be a fight over who I stay with.

 

But now...she has hinted that she wants me to finish university before we do anything, which would be in 4 or 5 years.

 

You're 18. You can choose.

 

 

I wonder if now she has the ability to leave, she's too scared to face a life outside of the abuse. Leaving is scary, but the abuse is familiar.

[Snowy]

You're 18. You can choose.

 

 

I wonder if now she has the ability to leave, she's too scared to face a life outside of the abuse. Leaving is scary, but the abuse is familiar.

 

I don't think she's scared of a life outside. The abuse is way scarier than anything the outside world could offer.

[agent1607307371]

When you look at it rationally, yes it is. But abuse can really mess up your emotions. In a sick way, as long as she stays, she knows how life will go. But leaving means everything being new. And that can be terrifying.

 

It's one of the reasons a lot of people have trouble getting out of abusive relationships. Even people who are very clever.

 

Is there any way she would speak to a thera[ist who could help her get strong enough to leave?

[Snowy]

Pretty much impossible without my father knowing about it.