bpm103 Posted July 24, 2012 Share Posted July 24, 2012 My gf of 4+ years ended things about a month and a half ago. I wasn't the best boyfriend but we were very close and we got along on every level. We were truly best friends but I struggled with addiction issues and low self esteem so I ended up doing some pretty poor things that she accepted at the times they happened. I tried and tried to change but until 3 months ago I didn't really know how. Now I am in AA and going to therapy a couple times a week. I have a good career, my own place, a good family, etc. I am healthy, in shape, a kind person. I have a big heart. My demons are from my youth and I am fighting every day now to overcome them. With all of that said she decided to end things right around the time I realized that the problems with our relationship were more so a result of my internal issues. She said she fell out of love, which has been really hard for me to believe, much less accept. 3 weeks after she ended things I wrote her and acknowledged all of the things I had done (not in detail but a summary). I told her I understood why she left - and I do. I didn't ask for anything in return I just wanted to take responsibility for my actions and also I wanted to let her know that I am taking action to change. She replied and said she was appreciative of the email and that she too is looking at her role in the relationship issues. A couple other things were said like, I hope we can be friends, I want you to be happy, and I will always love you. A few weeks later I texted her because I was overwhelmed with feelings of missing her. She told me at that time that she felt like she was no longer in love with me. She was happy for me that I am taking the steps to get healthy but she said she needed to move on. I asked if she saw any future with us and she said, "not right now"..."who knows what the future holds". She said that I need to get better for me. I agree and that is truly what I am trying to focus on. Then last week she emailed me saying that she knows this is right right now but she misses me terribly and she thinks about me constantly. She wanted me to know that she was thinking of me and hoped that I was doing well. At first I replied in a cool manner... saying I missed her too and it was nice to hear from her but when I didnt hear back again I freaked out, lol. I texted her and told her that her words were confusing me... she isnt in love with me and she is moving on but she misses me terribly and thinks about me constantly... I could tell she was conflicted. She replied and said that she didn't mean to disrupt things but she misses me cuz we were best friends. She said she loved me and will always love me but that her therapist said that this is for the best for now. I said Ok and I understand and that I want her to know my feelings havent changed. That was where we left it. So now I am very much caught up on the "for now" and "right now" statements from her... as if she is leaving the door open. It's making me hold out hope that we will get back together and it is killing me. Now, this girl is not manipulative. She says it's not about another guy but who knows. I don't think she would intentionally keep me in limbo but that is where I am. I was thinking about sending her an email basically saying how I feel about her and telling her how I am changing. I feel like I need to tell her that I am feeling in limbo and I just need her to know that I would do anything to make this work but if she is still in the same space then I have to move on and let go. Basically I want to put it all out there so I do not have any regrets down the line for not giving my all in trying to get her back. This girl has struggled with trusting me for a long time. I truly and deeply feel like I have had an awakening of sorts. What's important to me in life has changed and I feel like I am now on the right track. By the way, we are both in our 30s. Thoughts? Link to comment
mhowe Posted July 24, 2012 Share Posted July 24, 2012 Stop contacting her. Stop looking for hidden meaning and open doors. Heal and become the man she fell in love w/ years ago. Then, and only then (months and months from now) contact her. You are "changed". Wait until the process is over. You are in limbo because you are in transition. This is not her burden to carry. You may be on the right track, but the destination is a ways off. Link to comment
Authentic Posted July 24, 2012 Share Posted July 24, 2012 You should tell her how you feel, and what you hope the only thing that can happen is you either become friends again, or get back together, or she say's maybe in the future and if that's the case you need to carry on focusing on yourself and forget about her for the time been, do not let that door that may or may not be there stop you from anything if someone want's a date go on a date with them, do not hold back because of the ex at the end of the day you are no longer a couple so focus on yourself. One time before i was told that "We will see what the future holds" and i tried my best to change everything within about a month and we spoke now and again and every time i got the same "Maybe" answer, i finally just said enough is enough it's not maybe, if you love someone you love them you know within your heart, anyway, 6month's down the line i got back with her, but in the time we was separated i changed a whole lot, and the first thing she said to me after i bumped into her was "God you have changed" I think, you need some clarity, if you cannot get that focus on yourself and do not cling to that maybe, take the maybe as a no as with that lingering over you, you will never be able to fully move on and or focus on yourself or even let the pain heal, the moment i said enough was enough i was able to heal and move forward. Do all the things you are doing still but do them for yourself and no one else. Link to comment
becomingkate Posted July 24, 2012 Share Posted July 24, 2012 The best thing that you can do is focus on yourself. If you two are meant to be, she will be around when you're ready. (If you try to win her back before your addictions issues are resolved, you could possibly lose her forever) Best wishes! Link to comment
PaintWithLight Posted July 24, 2012 Share Posted July 24, 2012 Do not send a no regrets email. Those are self serving and demand a response. leave well enough alone Link to comment
Dinocaz Posted July 24, 2012 Share Posted July 24, 2012 Going in hard ball here. My answer would be NO and NO and NO. If she wants you she will find you (but dont start hoping - hoping leads to misery and upset) Focus on YOU YOU YOU!!!! Link to comment
bpm103 Posted July 24, 2012 Author Share Posted July 24, 2012 (but dont start hoping - hoping leads to misery and upset) This is the hard part. I have hope... it's not a switch that I can turn off. I am doing things to "get better": focusing on myself, being healthy, being honest and genuine in my actions, etc. But the hope lies in the back of my mind, tormenting me every effing morning I wake up until I go to sleep. Choosing not to hope would be great if it was that easy. I don't disagree with any of you though ... thanks for the replies! Link to comment
lorelaijones Posted July 24, 2012 Share Posted July 24, 2012 Bmp, I think you need to be a little more loving with yourself. You blame yourself too much for everything. I understand that you may have done wrong, but we all did. Forgive yourself and this is the only way that you can start healing. You should NOT send this email. It will be good for you to stay apart from her for a while so you can remember who YOU are. With her around, you are only thinking about the bad things you've done. Your regret shows us that are not a bad guy, but when you talk about your relationship, you have a very low image of yourself. Stop looking at yourself with these eyes. Heal, take care, find out who you really are. It will never work if you don't believe you are better than this. Link to comment
Dinocaz Posted July 24, 2012 Share Posted July 24, 2012 This is the hard part. I have hope... it's not a switch that I can turn off. I am doing things to "get better": focusing on myself, being healthy, being honest and genuine in my actions, etc. But the hope lies in the back of my mind, tormenting me every effing morning I wake up until I go to sleep. Choosing not to hope would be great if it was that easy. I don't disagree with any of you though ... thanks for the replies! Hiya, true you cant just switch of the hope tap, but in time it does slow and eventually disapear. Some people take the short cut as I did, ensuring that I left such a trail of destruction with my verbal onslaught that I knew there would no way back. I think lorelaijones raises a really good point about being more loving to yourself. Forgiving yourself for the past - in self forgivness comes healing and indeed letting go fully. Wish you well on this ... keep posting keep reading here, and work on yourself! Link to comment
Shipwreck Posted July 24, 2012 Share Posted July 24, 2012 Yeah I agree with most of the replies: don't send her any more e-mail, at least not for a while. You need to focus 100 percent purely on yourself at the moment. I completely understand the desire to "lay it all out" and "put yourself on the line", but I think deep down you know that this probably won't lead to any positive response on her part. Furthermore, it seems that you recognize that you should definitely not be in any sort of dependent/co-dependent relationship at the moment, so my suggestion would be to stop looking for it, especially from the woman that broke your heart in the first place. If you want my advice, I would cut her out completely (at least for a little while), and then only when you're ready contact her again. The idea here to make sure you do it on YOUR terms, not hers or anyone else's. If the relationship is meant to be then you might end up getting back together. If not, then you will be a stronger person and able to stand on your own two feet without feeling the need to use someone else as a crutch. Part of becoming a proper man is taking responsibility for your actions (which you have done), and then using that acquired sense of maturity to propel yourself in the direction you really want to go in, be it in your personal life or your career. I think you need to work on that second part and focus on you and where you want to go in life. Once you do that I am pretty sure everything else will start to fall into place. Best of luck mate! Link to comment
BoxerShorts Posted July 25, 2012 Share Posted July 25, 2012 Thanks Authentic. Very, very apt. You have helped me without even knowing... Thank you... Link to comment
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