punished Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 I have recently discovered a few things about my husband's life that make me uncomfortable. And I think it borders on cheating. But then I wonder if I am being close minded. It started by finding out he was texting and calling a mutual (female) friend of ours over 100 times a day. And her back as well. When I asked about the texts and phone calls (innocently if you can believe it) he told me he never texts her or calls her. I showed him the call history and his only response was he didn't think I was smart enough to know how to look that stuff up. I know that nothing physical has happened between them. But he rarely talks to me and when I am trying to call he avoids my calls to take hers. He says they discuss everything about their day and their lives and that's it. But he doesn't talk about those things with me anymore so I feel very threatened and hurt. She lives in a different city so I know they are not meeting places but why aren't I allowed to know what they are saying? This is when, I admit, I did some inappropriate things. I have never once in my life checked up on someone or spied or whatever you want to call it. But now I do. I check everything. And then I found it. The porn site he visits. I have always been open to the fact he watches porn and he has always been respectful enough to smirk and claim he doesn't do it after I find it in the dvd player. We always kind of joked about it. But I found out he has been going to live sites and doing chat room and web cam stuff. It averages a few times a week. Is this cheating or am I being a prude? We are in our thirties. When we got married there were VCRs and back rooms of video rental stores. This wasn't available. We didn't even have texting then. I am afraid if I ask about it he will just hide it better. But am I wrong to feel uncomfortable with this? Link to comment
alertstatusred Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 You are not wrong to feel uncomfortable about this. What he is doing is extremely inappropriate and could be considered emotional infidelity. He is married - he does not need to be contacting another woman about things that he SHOULD be discussing with his WIFE. People may have varying opinions, but I definitely think the web cam/chat thing is extremely wrong of him to be doing, too. I'm not against watching porn in a relationship at all, but going live and chatting is an entirely different level. I think you need to have a conversation with him about this, go to counselling and decide whether you want to be with someone who puts webcams and another woman (even if it isn't physical) ahead of you. Link to comment
Moontiger Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 He is emotionally cheating on you. His time, energy, and emotional are all wrapped up in your mutual friend. FYI, if they are talking 100 times a day, she is not your friend, she is trying to get your guy. Not only that but he insults you! That's subtle abuse. If I were you, I would leave and find someone who loves and respects me. Link to comment
punished Posted July 9, 2012 Author Share Posted July 9, 2012 He says they are just friends and why can't he have friends? He told me I was close minded because she is a woman. I called her and asked her to stop texting him. She said she would but she hasn't. We go to counseling. We started 6 weeks ago. We don't go again until Friday. I wonder how I will feel then and if I should bring it up there. I probably won't bring up the porn though. I want to choose my battles. But I have to say it feels good to have someone tell me I'm not wrong to feel uncomfortable so thank you for that. Link to comment
woot Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 To me, the definition of cheating is doing anything that you wouldnt do in front of your spouse, OR anything that you wuoldnt want your spouse to know about. It would bother me a lot if they were texting back and forth that much everyday. It would ESPCIALLY bother me that he would go to her over me all the time to talk about problems, everyday things ect. As far as the porn, I wouldnt mind him watching porn, but the live chats would. I do consider that cheating. Im sorry youre going through this. Link to comment
Moontiger Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 He is trying to turn this around and make you the bad guy. Go to therapy and say to the therapist, "Am I wrong to be upset by my husband calling another woman 100 times a day and sharing things with her he does not share with me?" Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 He says they are just friends and why can't he have friends? He told me I was close minded because she is a woman. Oh really? How many married men know a female who is "just a friend" call them over 100 times a day? That should be an insult to your intelligence! Either way, I hope you find your way through this. Link to comment
markfromark Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 He says they are just friends and why can't he have friends? He told me I was close minded because she is a woman. This is bs and he knows it. Texting a woman 100 times a day and sharing everything with her is a sure way to start a romance. I hope your counselor sees the truth. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 Yes, he is emotionally cheating on you....and he is physically cheating on you when he goes to lives sites, webcams and chats because he is having some kind of interaction with someone and these are general mainstream people who are exhibitionists rather than actors/actresses. Link to comment
rAFC Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 Men and women being friends is fine, the problem here is that he was hiding it from you and lied to you about it when you confronted him. That is very suspicious behavior. It does sound like he was (is) having an "emotional affair" with her at the very least. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 Yes, he is emotionally cheating on you....and he is physically cheating on you when he goes to lives sites, webcams and chats because he is having some kind of interaction with someone and these are general mainstream people who are exhibitionists rather than actors/actresses. Agree! Time to leave this guy!!! Sounds like a creep! Link to comment
toby17 Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 He is cheating. He thinks he's not doing anything wrong because he hasn't slept with her, but he's checked out. He's getting a headstart on his future without you, and if you hadn't found out, you'd have been left in the dark as to what happened. Put him out. Link to comment
Miss Firecracker Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 Cheating is one thing. Calling and texting anyone 100 times a day is pathetic. Link to comment
lukeb Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 I don't necessarily agree with that you have to leave your husband because he texts someone else a lot. If things were good before, there may be a chance to get things back the way they were. There may be a way to get you guys talking again and being there for one another. Talk to him, have a real conversation. Link to comment
punished Posted July 9, 2012 Author Share Posted July 9, 2012 I actually don't believe in divorce as anything but an absolute last resort. So I have to figure out what to do. I am not quick to give on on anything let alone a marriage. I just don't know how I can emotionally survive this if he doesn't begin to show some accountability or empathy. I appreciate all of your comments. And a couple made me actually laugh. It also feels good to know that I'm not going crazy and he is crossing a line. I was beginning to think I was being unfair to him being so hurt. Link to comment
pl3asehelp Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 He says they are just friends and why can't he have friends? He told me I was close minded because she is a woman. I called her and asked her to stop texting him. She said she would but she hasn't. We go to counseling. We started 6 weeks ago. We don't go again until Friday. I wonder how I will feel then and if I should bring it up there. I probably won't bring up the porn though. I want to choose my battles. But I have to say it feels good to have someone tell me I'm not wrong to feel uncomfortable so thank you for that. He's cheating and just trying to deflect responsibility towards you by calling you closed minded. If they were just friends, he wouldn't have lied to you, end of story. Why wouldn't you bring up all issues in counseling, that's what you're paying for! Link to comment
Miss Firecracker Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 I was beginning to think I was being unfair to him being so hurt. Seriously? He's turned the tables on you. He is manipulative. This man is having a party behind your back. Don't you dare feel guilty. Link to comment
Dusk Till Dawn Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 I probably won't bring up the porn though. I want to choose my battles. If you choose to ignore the problem it won't go away. You should bring everything to the table. Link to comment
Unreasonable Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 I'd put your foot down on his TEXTBOOK emotional infidelity, and demand you seek marriage counseling together. Link to comment
punished Posted July 13, 2012 Author Share Posted July 13, 2012 So counseling came and went this morning and the counselor told us that it was an emotional affair and that she does not counsel couples when any kind of affair is going to be continuous. She said that she could help us find a counselor willing to work with us if he chooses to continue the relationship with her (although it would be hard to find one) or we could continue counseling with her and he could put a complete end to it. Over. And she counseled us on how to do that. I felt a little relieved and also a little sad when she confirmed the emotional affair. Relief that I wasn't crazy and sad over the state of my marriage. Link to comment
Unreasonable Posted July 18, 2012 Share Posted July 18, 2012 Glad you were able to get counseling and I really hope it works out for you. I think in this age people are having a hard time realizing that just because there are no real peepees and vaginas involved it's still not right. I hope your counselor was at least able to make an impression on him. If he doesn't agree to try to change his ways in terms of this girl he's calling, you have some hard decisions to make. I've been there. I caught time and time again. This was back in the day where cyber cheating was in it's infancy. I tried to be patient at first and hoped it was a phase. It took slamming the door, walking out and not talking to her for a couple days before she finally realized the impact this was going to have he she kept down this road. Link to comment
punished Posted July 24, 2012 Author Share Posted July 24, 2012 He ended it with her. The cyber cheating continues. Link to comment
Lily McFly Posted July 25, 2012 Share Posted July 25, 2012 I HATE to say this - but do you BELIEVE he ended it with her? Can you trust him again do you feel? Does he work? I work and I swear, I don't know how working people have time to text 100 times a day. In cases like this I worry someone like your husband is being financially supported or helped. His behavior is nothing less than very dispicable. I hope he is equally contributing or majorly contributing financially. I wish you had the strength and wherewithall to leave him, if only for awhile. And I wouldn't be so sure he and this friend haven't slept together already. I wish you emotional health and strength through this. Link to comment
punished Posted July 30, 2012 Author Share Posted July 30, 2012 I HATE to say this - but do you BELIEVE he ended it with her? Can you trust him again do you feel? Does he work? I work and I swear, I don't know how working people have time to text 100 times a day. In cases like this I worry someone like your husband is being financially supported or helped. His behavior is nothing less than very dispicable. I hope he is equally contributing or majorly contributing financially. I wish you had the strength and wherewithall to leave him, if only for awhile. And I wouldn't be so sure he and this friend haven't slept together already. I wish you emotional health and strength through this. yes. I believe he ended it with her. I know this. I could go into details about the steps we had to take and how I know but they are very lengthy and detailed. Our counselor gave us instructions that were followed and continue to be followed through on. And I know they haven't slept together because they live halfway accross the country from each other and neither has left their city in over a year. He works and contributes. I also don't think strength has anything to do with leaving. I believe strengh has a lot more to do with staying and putting in the work to regain trust and learn to forgive. As far as emotional health I am wishing for the same thing. That is an ongoing battle that I hope to overcome. Being emotionally unhealthy is very difficult. Some days feel neverending. Link to comment
nbr Posted August 2, 2012 Share Posted August 2, 2012 @punished: I was one of those guys (the emotional affair) and in my case it could have gone physical in an instant (we were co-workers). I was open with my wife about it, and that, coupled with the other woman having some decency kept it from going any further. I am so glad to hear he cut it off. Continue with the counseling, tackle the challenges one at a time. If there is something about the webcam/live chat that he likes (and work with the MFT on this) maybe you can do that with him, you can be the other girl. Porn its self can actually be healthy, it is when it interferes with the relationship that it is a problem. My wife and I are patching things up very slowly, and I still don't know if it will end in a friendly divorce, or continued marriage, but I hope all the very best for you. If he likes porn, and you are open to it, there are some movies/shows (cinemax/showtime) that may be enough to satisfy his desire and tend to not be a turn off to women like much of the more graphic stuff is. My wife and I would often watch those together. Sometimes the night would end with a little cuddling and off to bed, other times neither of us saw how the show ended Oh how I miss those days.... Link to comment
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