When dumpers go silent

[Shake Spear]

I just wondered about this "phenomena". By reading the different topics, it seems that more often than not, assuming they left on good terms, dumpers do one of the following:

 

1. "Push" the dumpees to be friends

2. Drop breadcrumbs and string them along, this is very selfish, but i actually think many do it subconsciously and not with any intent to hurt their ex

3. Become mean and play games

 

But what about complete silence? Now as i said; assuming you left on good terms, what does this mean? I think there are a couple of possibilities:

 

1. They are still hurting, but seeing it was they who pulled the trigger, one would think they should be moving on a lot faster

2. They are in a new RS and feel guilty, but i've seen loads of examples here; where the dumper have in fact gotten into a new RS, but still keeps their ex around

3. They simply don't care

4. ??????

 

Now my situation is the following: Last Friday i broke NC with my ex (after 5 weeks), she was happy to hear from me and our conversation was a very positive "catching up" kind of deal. Before i hung up, she asked if we could talk more some other day, and i told her that was fine. Now what i find slightly odd: I have not heard a peep from her since.

 

Now i have no idea if she isn't completely over me or if she has a new guy (i guess that is the price you pay for NC but i still found this a little strange since we left on very good terms and was best friends aswell as lovers Now i wont lie, if the possibility for a healthy recon occurred, i think i would have taken it, but the very least i would like to remain friends with her.

 

Can anyone relate? Thanks in advance

[dasilver]

Number 4)....Going completely silent because you know that the dumpee still has strong feelings for you. Anything you say...even a harmless "Good Morning" makes the dumpee go into over drive thinking that your "Good Morning" really means " I love you and i want you back".....Sometimes dumpers go completely silent because anything they say or do platonically. The dumpee takes this as a sign of reconciliation.

 

Which is exactly what you're doing now.....

[photograph11]

I think they go silent because either they don't want to lead the person they dumped, they want them to forget about them. Or, because they want to move on themselves.As you also mentioned, also simply because they feel like they are done, as in, they don't care anymore. I have a hard time understanding the silent treatment myself, maybe I'm too much of a kind hearted person..I wouldn't be able to just ignore a person I dated for whatever amount of time (if it's like a few dates then it's a different story), they can at least be friendly. Do you mean the silent treatment as in when you try to contact them and they ignore you, or when they just ignore you without you trying to contact them?

[charity]

sigh.... i am giving my ex the silent treatment now for the last few months. its horrible and i know it hurts him and its a shame to have to do it. but i do have to do it. why?

 

two reasons. firstly , i am still physically attracted to him....but i know i don't want to be in a relationship with him. if we have contact its likely we will meet up and i do not trust myself not to be intimate with him. it would just make it too hard. and i know he would try try try.

 

secondly... he has a needy and obsessive personality. any contact i did respond to initially was analysed and critiqued . i have asked him for space and still he messages me, sends me a letter. it has annoyed me to such a point that my good memories of him are disappearing one by one.

[Shake Spear]

Number 4)....Going completely silent because you know that the dumpee still has strong feelings for you. Anything you say...even a harmless "Good Morning" makes the dumpee go into over drive thinking that your "Good Morning" really means " I love you and i want you back".....Sometimes dumpers go completely silent because anything they say or do platonically. The dumpee takes this as a sign of reconciliation.

 

Which is exactly what you're doing now.....

 

Well, kind of

 

Now i obviously still have feelings for her, but i do my very best to keep it realistic and i try not to over-analyze everything, although this thread would suggest otherwise . Now i know that her last ex took their BU really hard, and he did the whole begging and pleading thing for quite some time, but they still maintained regular contact.

 

What has me even more confused was all the mixed signals i got near the end, so that means i am stuck in this damned limbo of wanting to move on and yet having hopes of recon. I guess my point is: I can't really let go until i know one way or the other. I have actually went on a couple of dates, but my ex is still lurking in the back of my head.

 

I am also not sure what the best course of action would be from now. Seeing as it was me who broke NC and initiated contact, the sensible thing would be to wait for her to make contact, but im not really sure.

[dasilver]

I am also not sure what the best course of action would be from now. Seeing as it was me who broke NC and initiated contact, the sensible thing would be to wait for her to make contact, .

 

........^^^^....Exactly!......

[annie24]

sometimes they go silent because they have other things occupying their time and mind - whether a new relationship, work problems, home problems, or sports.

[Sportster2005]

Well, kind of

 

What has me even more confused was all the mixed signals i got near the end, so that means i am stuck in this damned limbo of wanting to move on and yet having hopes of recon. I guess my point is: I can't really let go until i know one way or the other. I have actually went on a couple of dates, but my ex is still lurking in the back of my head.

 

I am also not sure what the best course of action would be from now. Seeing as it was me who broke NC and initiated contact, the sensible thing would be to wait for her to make contact, but im not really sure.

 

You're not in limbo. You've put yourself in limbo. The simplest explanation is usually the correct explanation. When we lift the veil of denial we realize silence is unambiguous. It is one of the clearest form of communication. If people don't want to talk to us, they want nothing to do with us.

 

We screw up our recovery and peacefulness by contacting people when they clearly don't want us. It's a cold hard fact of life. But it is a fact. My ex hasn't contacted me in the two months since she dumped me. Yeah it really, really hurt at first. But as sure as there is a sun in the sky contacting her would have prolonged my agony. I'm starting to feel extended periods where I don't miss her now. I'm starting to feel good. These feelings were hard fought for. It took incredible self control.

 

The best thing in your post is the realization NC is the best thing for you. Do it. Pick yourself up and get ready for your next adventure.

[Shake Spear]

Well, she called me, funny how things turn out, huh ?

 

It was a nice chat, but this time we came into the topic of our RS. She asked me if i still have feelings for her, and she said (once again) that she is not certain she did the right choice by breaking up. Honestly, i get the impression she has no idea what she really wants. When we broke up she said it was because she wanted to live on her own for a while, but saw us getting back together 1 or 2 years down the line.

 

Thankfully i manged to keep my composure and hopefully i didn't say anything too stupid The thing is, if we do end up reconciling, i want it to last, and all the old issues need to be addressed. There is no point in getting back together if these same issues resurface and we end up right back here

[annie24]

What did you say when she asked if you still had feelings?

[Shake Spear]

What did you say when she asked if you still had feelings?

 

I said of course, and she said she still loved me as well. She didn't say anything direct about getting back together, but she did propose i come visit her so we could meet in person and talk more. Also she lives 5 hours away, so if/when i do visit, i guess i would have to spend the night (unless he expects me to drive for 10 hours )

 

She is 25, and i read somewhere else that she might have been experiencing what they call "quarter-life crisis", it also happens to men, but according to that article, mostly women

[Clueless90]

I'm currently in this situation, my ex has a new gf and I read online that usually when your ex finds a new person they usually cut their ex off as to not cause trouble with their new relationship

[Shake Spear]

I'm currently in this situation, my ex has a new gf and I read online that usually when your ex finds a new person they usually cut their ex off as to not cause trouble with their new relationship

 

You got a point. Well, my ex did a complete turn around and said that she still had conflicting feelings and maybe meeting up wasn't such a good idea after all. Makes me wonder if there is another guy involved.

 

Bleh, i feel like crap today, getting your hopes up and then having them taken away is the worst

[Clueless90]

You got a point. Well, my ex did a complete turn around and said that she still had conflicting feelings and maybe meeting up wasn't such a good idea after all. Makes me wonder if there is another guy involved.

 

Bleh, i feel like crap today, getting your hopes up and then having them taken away is the worst

 

I know its horrible but I initially felt like I would never get over my recent breakup but I am actually a lot more surprised with how I am right now you too will soon feel that way and the only advice I can give you is too stop talking to your ex. I did that with mine as he was leading me here, there, everywhere and my decisions were becoming clouded plus I found out hes been lying etc which makes it easier to cut him off. Honestly there is a good chance there could be someone else, make sure your decisions serve you and not to make her feel like she has you but can just string you a long and continue to do what she wants.

 

If your best friend or someone really close and important to you was in your shoes, honestly as person with a totally outsider perspective what advice would you give them? Then take your own advice

[GrowingUp85]

What did you communicate to him before you started NC? Did you tell him it was over, or did you supply a ray of hope?

 

My ex has been giving me the silent treatment for a few months now. I have a needy/obsessive personality like you describe. Although I think she contributed to my pain without realizing it.

 

The night she broke up, she told me she thought there might still be something there. About 10 days later, we metup and had a great meeting. Held hands, kissed. A few days later, we got in another fight. I was upset that she hadn't contacted me. It was a stupid fight to start that could have been handled better. That night, she told me that we shouldn't talk for a while. About a month and a half later, I sent an email asking what went wrong. She simply said she was unhappy. She finished by saying she hoped we could be friends one day. That was a month ago. Since then, I've sent 2 or 3 messages. Only one asked for a response, but I didn't get any.

 

I know Im graspping at straws, but any thoughts? How can I get closure if she won't talk to me?

[charity]

you have to give yourself closure. you can't look to her for it. she was unhappy with you. THAT is your closure. you do the rest. you realize that someone out there is a better match for you. you realize that people break up and feelings change. you don't grasp, chase. it really prolongs and intensifies the pain if you do this to yourself....and its important to know that YOU are doing this to yourself. she is not doing this to you. she just broke up with you ... and that is her right you know? she said she hoped you could be friends ONE DAY.... not a few weeks or months later.

 

in my situation.... well we ended amicably. it was a joint decision. he KNEW it wasn't working. i did say that i hoped in time we could be friends. we met up once and ended up sleeping together. so from then i told him that it was clear there was too much of an attraction still there so we needed to take space if we ever had a hope of being genuine friends. he continued to call and text and each time i was nice to him because i knew he was finding it hard but i reiterated each time- i need space, please give me space. every 2 weeks he would text. so THEN I decided to go NC (something i've never done in my life!). i sent him one text saying that i do not want to be friends in the future and then went cold. i did it for 2 reasons. 1. i want that part of my life to be finished. i don't want him in my life anymore. his neediness is just too much and 2. i did it for him. because i know if i am nice to him, answer him.... he won't get on with his life. he will get more and more hurt.

[Sledge]

She's given you closure by saying, one day we could be friends. There's nothing else she wants to add, silence is reiterating her stance. That is your answer.

 

Move on, there's plenty of others out there. Don't get hung up on someone who has the ability to hurt you. Sooner you move on, the sooner you'll forget ever being hung up on her. Be angry, think about the crap and hurt she's put you through. Regardless if most of it, or only part of it is your fault. Be angry but understanding to her.

 

If she sees you're moving on or not fighting her and pleading with her decision, the more she may or the quicker she may want to be friends with you, or perhaps, some day want more from you again.

 

Let her know by your actions, you're not her fall back guy!

[brickheart]

You're not in limbo. You've put yourself in limbo. The simplest explanation is usually the correct explanation. When we lift the veil of denial we realize silence is unambiguous. It is one of the clearest form of communication. If people don't want to talk to us, they want nothing to do with us.

 

Actually, to be honest, and not to complicate things, silence isn't necessarily unambiguous in these situations. There are a number of reasons why dumpers can go silent. In my case, my ex is silent because we've mutually agreed that we'll both heal faster if we're not hovering around in each other's lives. Simple. He has made it clear that he does want to be in my life, but right now that's not going to work.

[resilient7]

What are we talking about here?...silent right after the RS and for how long? My BU was on good terms and once she went silent she never contacted me back,even after 3+ yrs.Of course she was in a RS within a week of the BU so my guess is she was trying to hide this from me.

[GrowingUp85]

Its great that you were assertive enough to tell your ex what you actually felt, rather then sending double messages. I haven't been told that she never wants to talk to me again or what she hopes to accomplish with NC. Part of my pain is the uncertainty. I guess I'm just having a hard time getting over the denial.

[charity]

Its great that you were assertive enough to tell your ex what you actually felt, rather then sending double messages. I haven't been told that she never wants to talk to me again or what she hopes to accomplish with NC. Part of my pain is the uncertainty. I guess I'm just having a hard time getting over the denial.

 

yeah but that assertiveness was met by anger and seemed to cause even more hurt. i dunno.... i think in break up's..... someone just gets hurt badly no matter how it is handled.

[GrowingUp85]

yeah but that assertiveness was met by anger and seemed to cause even more hurt. i dunno.... i think in break up's..... someone just gets hurt badly no matter how it is handled.

 

Anger makes it hard. I know because I was angry, and looking back, I can see how that didn't really lend itself well to a constructive conversation. In the end though, I think being assertive is more appropriate than trying to be nice and giving someone hope. Breakups suck.

[SouthernGirly]

My ex and I will sometimes reach out to each other it's simple stuff we talk about, whether it be our dogs, etc. but we still have bills we're sharing. The past couple times he's responding but today when I contact him about an urgent phone bill matter, there's nothing. No response. And yet I know through a friend, he was texting her, so this makes no sense. I just needed a simple response. Why would he do this It makes no sense.

[mahipahl]

There are many reasons why they go silent but the goal they have in mind is to move on as quick as possible. If you are subject to the silent treatment take it as a hint and move on as well.