Not sure what to do?

[goldensmog]

My situation seems so similar to some and yet so different to others. I am 40 years old with 2 young children. After what seemed to be a glorius marriage of almost 8 years, I found out my wife was having an affair with a co-worker 10 years younger. Me, my children and wife, were nothing short of a perfect family, at least I thought. Sure little problems here and there but nothing that I thought was not being resolved. My wifes Grandmother died 3 months ago and many people say this may have spun her into a midlife crisis. During our marriage, I did nothing short of doing everything possible for my kids as well as her. The day after I found out about the affair, my wife set up counseling sessions to try to see if saving the marriage was possible. Everything seemed to be going alright considering the circumstances and then it I caught her back with him again. The books I have read on surviving affairs all seem to point to one thing. There was something lacking in our marriage which allowed her to do what she did. The books also clearly state that the affair she is in now is somewhat of an illusion and that she will wake up someday a very unhappy and depressed woman. During counseling I tried to do everything possible to fill in the voids she was missing. But after 2 weeks she was back with him again. I have not dated anyone since this happened and really don't know how to go forward. I still love her and would probably take her back if I knew she was serious. Please help!

[hockeyboy]

are you still living together?

[chai714]

IMO - The first thing you need to do is to separate yourself from her. Think about it. She was unloyal to you, and the family you have built together. You can't stick around and let her know you'll be there for her no matter what she does. If you do, then you'll be rewarding her for her mischevious behavior - not something you want to do. Let her know (by your actions, not words) that there WILL be consequences for her actions. This will not be easy, especially for the children, but you can not allow her to walk all over you. Remember, we (in a way) train people how to treat us. If you command more respect, you just might get it.

[goldensmog]

No, She is living with her parents and I live in the house in which we bought and shared in building our lives.

[Mun]

Hello there,

I understand how you feel. One of the toughest things to deal with is to find out our partner is cheating on us. The pain of the betrayal can leave such deep wounds that I think we never fully recover.

 

Unfortunately, I don't think you can do much in this situation except to think of yourself and your children now. Your wife has shown you, with her actions, that she is still interested over there. Unless this changes, you don't have much of a choice. You can't save this marriage by yourself.

 

It will take time to move on, but you can do it. Remind yourself that you deserve someone who will respect you.

 

Be strong friend.