Suspicious. Should I listen to my feelings?

[loveculture]

Has anyone ever experienced this before and turned out to be wrong??

 

I keep having strange, nervous feelings about my boyfriend which usually happens to me in the evening. Sometimes I have bad dreams about him. Sometimes things feel good which happens when I'm around him. That's when I feel ok, but I still keep having doubts and I feel a sense not to trust my boyfriend.

 

This seems to be stemming from his behavior with his phone. I feel a sense that he is talking to someone because of some strange phone habits. If it weren't for the phone oddness I have witnessed, I would not think my boyfriend is hiding something from me. To me, it seems like he is kind of guarding his phone. Here are quick examples: taking phone to the bathroom to poop, shower, leaving bed at 5 am for nearly 45 mins and then finding him in the living room doing something on his phone, texting in my presence when we are mini golfing, at movies, etc. but kind of tilting the phone to his side so it's harder for me to get a good peek, checks his phone quite a bit, one time he clicked the button on his iphone to black the screen out when I walked up to him while he was texting to someone, but I was at least able to quickly see a text message was open...).

 

And here's something that happened that still bothers me terribly: one day he was talking about his friend and wanted to show me a picture of him doing something that he has on his phone. He started scrolling through his pics out in the open so I could basically see. He was scrolling normally and then when I saw two pictures of some girl, he obviously saw them too and super quickly scrolled up skipping a bunch of photos. It was pretty OBVIOUS that he got nervous and wanted to hide something there from me. So, I told him I saw some pics of a girl and he didn't deny it, he kind of looked like someone who got caught and said "well I've had this phone for four years, I'm sure there are pics on here."" He said he has to clear out the pics on his phone. Then I said, well let me see. I mean, why are you hiding these pics? Then, he said no, I don't want you to see them and then he put his phone up to his face so I couldn't see anything anymore (this was all said and done in a cutesy, silly manner). So, I asked him out front if he had any photos of exes naked or some kind of sex videos with them on his phone. He said no. So, I dropped it.

 

Anyway, adding everything up, I started believing maybe I was right and was upset that something had to be wrong UNTIL he left his phone with me one night while he went to the store down the block. I decided not to go through it because it was my birthday and I didn't want to ruin my special day if I did find something.

 

So, I am confused whether I am just too suspicious and distrustful in general or if I have a right to be. I had a strong tendency to be distrustful and suspicious in my last relationship as well. This nervous, kind of bad feeling I get about my boyfriend, I also get about other things sometimes too. I do have a tendency to panic, have anxiety and feel stressed. Because of this, I can't tell if my feelings toward my boyfriend are based on a strong intuition or if my anxiety/stress is creating these feelings and I am just blowing things up out of proportion to what is possibly normal phone behavior for my bf.

 

Has anyone ever felt this way (suspicious, distrustful, and nervous) about their boyfriend/girlfriend and then turned out to be wrong?

[Kristenelaine]

Listen to your gut. You arent wrong. He is up to something. A man or woman who has to bring their phone with them everywhere is hiding something. But wakeing up early in the morning to text....yep. Listen to your gut. My ex use to bring his phone in the bathroom all the time.

 

I refuse to trust men right now. I am not capable of it. And that is just because every one I have come accross has a hidden agenda. If I were you, I would get out of there fast. Confront him about it and tell him you arent some play thing. He will tell you all the lies and say all the comforting things, but dont listen.

 

I saw red flags with my ex, and everything he told me I let myself believe. And that got me single, and him with another unfortunate girlfriend.

[gabriella777]

You have EVERY right to be suspicious. I would not accept this kind of behaviour and if I were you I would have confronted him about it much more until he had explained everything to me.

 

I'm a bit like you too (distrustful), due to my ex. I was suspicious of my ex but I was only suspicious of him because he was extremely jealous of me. (sometimes when partners are extremely controlling and jealous, it means that they have done something...).

I peaked into his email and facebook and I was far from wrong.

 

I would confront him if I were you. If he still refuses to explain to you all this suspicious behaviour and the pictures...then you'd be better off without him.

You have a right to the truth.

 

EVEN if he has nothing to hide, I think he is clearly disrespecting you by refusing to explain to you.

 

Good luck

[lavenderdove]

Weird phone behavior can be a sign of cheating... i was with a guy who had an odd habit of turning his phone over face down when he set it on something and 'guarding' his phone. Turned out he was lying about being single.

 

But usually if a person is cheating, there will be other signs as well... does he disappear sometimes and go off your radar with no explanations or lame ones? Cancel on you with little notice? Unable to spend a long amount of continuous time with you without running errands or hovering over his phone?

[chitown9]

Very suspicious behavior with the phone. I would insist on an "open book policy" with his phone. I would cut him loose if he refuses that arrangement. ....

[loveculture]

Weird phone behavior can be a sign of cheating... i was with a guy who had an odd habit of turning his phone over face down when he set it on something and 'guarding' his phone. Turned out he was lying about being single.

 

But usually if a person is cheating, there will be other signs as well... does he disappear sometimes and go off your radar with no explanations or lame ones? Cancel on you with little notice? Unable to spend a long amount of continuous time with you without running errands or hovering over his phone?

 

My boyfriend also turns his phone face DOWN. I have noticed that as well. I have also noticed that I do this myself when I don't want him to see texts I am getting from my girlfriend who is responding to my texts complaining about HIM and how suspicious I am or about a fight we had or something to do with our relationship. This makes me think it's a sign of hiding something.

 

He has not canceled on me with little notice, no. He does check his phone a lot when with me so your last question would be yes, he can't seem to spend long amounts of time with me without doing something on his phone. As for running errands, no not that I can think of or that I could remember. He doesn't really disappear or go off my radar, no. He calls me daily, more than once. He texts me daily, but he doesn't text me a lot. He doesn't text me good morning or good night or anything meaningful too often. That's another thing about him that upsets me....he doesn't text me a lot and it's not very meaningful, which is the opposite of how he was during the first few weeks we started dating. It's usually something silly like this silly catch phrase we have together.

 

Also, he has about 2 days off and works long night shifts 2 nights a week so on those days he has all day till 6pm free. Other days he starts his other job at 4pm till 11. Basically, he has lots of time to be seeing someone during the day. We only get to see each other about 2x or 3x a week.

 

Are there any other signs I should start to look out for?

[loveculture]

Very suspicious behavior with the phone. I would insist on an "open book policy" with his phone. I would cut him loose if he refuses that arrangement. ....

 

Hi, what exactly does an open book policy mean? How would I present this idea to him in a manner that doesn't sound rude. It sounds like I would be saying, hey I don't trust you so let's let each other look through each others phones whenever we want and take away each others privacy. I don't know if that sounds like a sane person to say that.

[The_Seeker]

If your feelings is telling you something, then something is wrong or you don't like it. So address it.

 

Trust your spidey senses or you will question the WHAT-IFS in the future when he really did what he did.

[chitown9]

Hi, what exactly does an open book policy mean? How would I present this idea to him in a manner that doesn't sound rude. It sounds like I would be saying, hey I don't trust you so let's let each other look through each others phones whenever we want and take away each others privacy. I don't know if that sounds like a sane person to say that.

 

It really would be an ultimatum....but it really sounds like you don't trust him. So why even go there. Just cut him loose. You're right; if you need to go to that extreme of having privy to his texts etc. , that really speaks for itself. chi

[loveculture]

Hm, my boyfriend is not jealous. Not jealous at all so far during this time we have been dating. I think sometimes though if a guy is not being jealous it's because he purposefully won't let himself act jealous so that you don't start latching on him about his actions and other women.

 

I know you are right that he disrespected me by not really telling me what the pictures were about, but at the same time, I'm not sure I want to know what the pictures were since it most likely was a girl he dated. Those were pictures from the past. I just want to make sure they aren't nude photos or sex videos he is keeping. I could see that from the photos as he was scrolling, these two pics I saw were before he met me. So, why would I want to upset myself over something from his past? I just think how he acted wasn't smart. It also bothers me that the photos are there on his phone....also what IDIOT goes scrolling through his photos in front of his girlfriend. What IDIOT forgets he has these photos....

[loveculture]

If your feelings is telling you something, then something is wrong or you don't like it. So address it.

 

Trust your spidey senses or you will question the WHAT-IFS in the future when he really did what he did.

 

I don't know. See, from my past relationship, I've learned how it can really break a relationship down doing something like this, especially if the guy turns out not to be hiding much or anything at all. Sometimes, if you want to find something wrong, you will. You can turn a stupid joke or text into a bad thing. Even just telling him about this will cause cracks in the relationship.

 

I think all I can do maybe is just keep waiting and paying attention to this phone behavior. Eventually it will piece together and I will have enough instances that make sense to address it. I don't think I can address it right now because he takes his phone to play games while pooping, takes his phone to shower and sometimes listens to a game while in there, gets up at 5am because he can't sleep and decides to play a game in living room and not wake me....he will have an excuse for everything. I will also feel dirty to have to accept his phone to look through it. It feels like you're wearing a cheap suit when you look through their phone even with their permission. I risk breaking the relationship's trust and creating resentment and lots of problems spiraling, so I guess I can only wait till the feelings overwhelm me and there's nothing else I can do but discuss it.

 

What I wanted to know was if anyone ever had such feelings and turned out to be wrong? To have been blowing things out of proportion?

[The_Seeker]

I believe in a relationship you have to be open, brutally honest, and communicate.

 

If you can't be like that in a relationship, and that person "overreacts" when questioned, then you know what, that tells you in the near future, if you have a problem with him leaving the door unlock in the house and he doesn't care, you're "afraid" to bring it up because it "might" lose a relationship, then that truly tells something about you and how you want to live your life.

[loveculture]

I believe in a relationship you have to be open, brutally honest, and communicate.

 

If you can't be like that in a relationship, and that person "overreacts" when questioned, then you know what, that tells you in the near future, if you have a problem with him leaving the door unlock in the house and he doesn't care, you're "afraid" to bring it up because it "might" lose a relationship, then that truly tells something about you and how you want to live your life.

 

Thanks The_Seeker. That actually opened my eyes quite a bit reading what you wrote. I didn't think about the implications for the future with always keeping my mouth shut. Actually, this kind of scares me because I have spoken my mind now to him two times on things that upset me and he gets mad at me but remains composed. He will tell me he is getting mad and frustrated with me in a somewhat calm tone. Though, I have still felt pretty nervous and scared when we've had fights. I just want them to end and forget that I said anything. He makes me feel that way for some reason....just nervous or upset for having said anything.

[The_Seeker]

Thanks The_Seeker. That actually opened my eyes quite a bit reading what you wrote. I didn't think about the implications for the future with always keeping my mouth shut. Actually, this kind of scares me because I have spoken my mind now to him two times on things that upset me and he gets mad at me but remains composed. He will tell me he is getting mad and frustrated with me in a somewhat calm tone. Though, I have still felt pretty nervous and scared when we've had fights. I just want them to end and forget that I said anything. He makes me feel that way for some reason....just nervous or upset for having said anything.

 

You're welcome, Beautiful. Sorry if I sounded really harsh. I know that's not how you want to live your life, but you're getting close to living it.

 

I'm only 24 so I don't know much about relationships and life just yet. But I've been through a lot of bad friendships and relationships to get the idea that you should speak your mind.

 

In other words, make sure you're inner expression equals your outer expression. In other words, be authentic. No matter how crazy you might sound, it's the truth. If he can't handle it or think you're overreacting, then please get up and go because if you don't you're actually settling and afraid to let go of the relationship. I promise you he is not the only straight man on this planet.

 

You don't want someone who will accept you just the way you are because it's "logical."

 

You want someone who is passionate about you and is taking care of your concerns in a relationship because he loves you so much. In other words, it will drive him crazy not hearing your voice during the day or wondering how your day was. Darling, that's the type of man you want.

 

So goes with guys. If a girl is not passionate about you, get up and go. Don't stay because you're afraid to take a step forward. Or won't find someone else. Yea dating is brutal, but there is someone who's honest enough bout their intentions. Those that aren't, you get better at speaking your intentions and your mind.

 

I learned the hard way and I wish never listened or read somewhere on ENA board that you should give someone the benefit of the doubt or else you'll ruin what's there in the relationship. If you can't be open in the relationship, not worth it because its superficial. Hence why I say every rule has its own exception. Follow your own rule and lead your life. Don't follow your heart or mind. Lead with your heart and mind.

 

Good luck

[DN]

I have also noticed that I do this myself when I don't want him to see texts I am getting from my girlfriend who is responding to my texts complaining about HIM and how suspicious I am or about a fight we had or something to do with our relationship. This makes me think it's a sign of hiding something.

Maybe he's hiding his phone for the same reason you hide yours.

 

As for asking him - I assume when you ask him you will tell him the reason you hide your phone from him?

[SydneyGirl]

I went through the same... he was always guarding the phone, texting when I wasn't around and locking the screen when I came by, even though I could tell by his face/hand movements that he was texting/emailing moments earlier. Little slip ups, one was a text late at night, just a fullstop from a number that was saved under "!!". Turns out he was seeing someone else, like every other post above! I NEVER snooped through his phone, and assumed he was addicted to Words with Friends or some other game! He slipped up one day when I asked to have a go of Angry Birds and he handed me his phone, when I unlocked the screen it was open to his FB inbox and a string of msgs between him and some girl from his work... I was pretty gutted, but the signs were all there and I chose to ignore them!

 

You are 100% right, you cannot insist on looking through his phone! That would make you seem insane! What you can do is start to make jokes when he's checking his phone... "Waiting to hear back from a job interview?" or when he comes back from the toilet with his phone ask if he was taking "toilet selfies" for facebook... If he is innocent and just obsessed with his phone, maybe if you make it obvious that you notice him checking his phone all the time he might not do it as much.

 

If your gut says he cheating, it's likely that he is! I know you said you have a history of paranoia in relationships, but these kinds of feelings don't usually come from no where! Don't end up like those women on cheaters saying "My best friend said she saw them together and there are hotel rooms on his credit card bill, then I found a used condom and my sister's panties in his truck and he said he didn't know how they got there... i think maybe he might possibly be cheating, but I don't know for sure!"

 

I've seen someone else since him and was slightly paranoid at first. I explained to this guy straight up what had happened with my ex and that if he's texting constantly around me I might get a little paranoid, and even though I respect his right to privacy and would never ask to look through his phone, if I started to feel concerned I would probably bail on the relationship! He understood and was always mindful of it, would say things like "Oh that's my mate, texting about blah blah" or we'd go on dates and both leave our phones behind once he picked me up... I was able to trust him despite what happened with my ex.

[jecca1976]

trust your gut... you are not wrong...

same situation for me and he was in fact talking to someone else...

He owes you the truth...

[LoveHurts89]

Call him out on it. If he has nothing to hide, he'll freely offer you his phone. My SO and I always play around, if I'm texting, he'll be like oh, texting your other man are you, thank god, give me a break from you etc. Just to wind me up! I once asked him a question about his (very present) ex whom he has a child with, I don't remember what I asked now, but he said babe, take my phone and look through all you want, you'll never see anything that'd upset you. He also has free reign of my phone. He can only use the internet on his right now and uses mine to make calls etc and I wouldn't flinch a bit at him using it. Same with his, he has some games on his phone and his playbook tablet (which also stores his emails) and I have free reign of those to play on. Neither of us has NEVER looked at the others texts or emails, but that's because the freedom to use the phones are there and therefore no suspicions.

[lovinggirl]

Always trust your intuition....because I always have and I was always right 98% at the time.

[loveculture]

Thanks for all you wrote! I really am going to try to be more open about my feelings. I have also learned though especially from being a very long relationship that was unhealthy and wrong for me, that it's not a good idea to pick a fight over every little thing. Some things need to be let go and sometimes it's best to pick your battles. My friend used to say that to me all the time and I would never listen and now I have learned the importance of those words.

 

You said that I should want someone who goes crazy wondering how my day was or wanting to hear my voice. I would like my bf to communicate with me more and show that kind of passion. Well, I am not sure if my bf feels that way. He does call me everyday and text but most of the time he doesn't ask how my day was in text, I usually just get silly texts. It's nice that he calls me at least one a day....but for example today, he didn't call me before he went to work or after he got off work. We didn't speak on the phone today until a few moments ago but it's very late and I decided to call him. Usually he calls me before or after work. He didn't text me after work to ask how my day was. Instead, he just sent some silly texts and asked me what I am doing. But when I called him, he immediately picked up and went outside to talk to me and said he was out at a bar with people from his job which kind of upset me that he still didn't call me before going out or even mention he would be going to a bar in a text message. Yet, I do appreciate that he takes the time to pick up the phone and talk to me....

 

But it just got me thinking because you said that it should drive him crazy not to hear my voice during the day....I'm wondering just how passionate he is about me. Because I do hate (and have told him already) the lack of communication we have throughout the day when apart from each other. He said he would communicate more but I don't feel he has stepped it up much.

 

What I do find interesting is that for a guy who is using his phone a lot when I'm around, he doesn't seem to use it a lot to text me when I'm not around....

 

But yes, I need to keep speaking my mind more on the big things that I don't want to compromise. Thank you The_Seeker and good luck to you too!!

[loveculture]

I have definitely been making those kinds of jokes like you said and have been pointing out the use of his phone. I have even said you are obsessed with your phone which is more than just a joke and I have also said you take your phone to the bathroom when you shower? Weird. But he hasn't stopped using it a lot. But now instead he kind of says something like I need to poop so I'm gonna take my phone to play a game before going in the bathroom with his phone for a few minutes.

 

Honestly, I don't really know what the heck he is doing. My gut is flipping back and forth. One moment, I find him so suspicious and think something must be going on that he is hiding and the next moment, I feel wrong about thinking that and feel secure. I don't know what to think cause my gut is jumping back and forth .

 

Even if my bf is innocent, I HATE how much he uses his phone when I'm around. He knows my feelings on this because when we started dating I told him how rude I think it is....should I go ahead and tell him again? How do I say this so gets the point this time around?

[loveculture]

If I call him out on it, what's the best way to approach it? What can I say?

[loveculture]

Maybe he's hiding his phone for the same reason you hide yours.

 

As for asking him - I assume when you ask him you will tell him the reason you hide your phone from him?

 

Well, he definitely can't be hiding his phone for the same reason as me because we have only had two fights and they weren't even fights...more like disagreements that were resolved quickly. But, I tend to complain a lot and find things wrong that he doesn't even know about in his wildest dreams! My best friend says I have a problem and am always upset over something because I need to be complaining about something. I have always been like this with any guy I've dated....doubting him and complaining to my friend about every little move he makes or things he says....I do sort of sound nuts a lot of the time with the things I complain over and fuss about.

 

So, I'm sure he isn't texting complaints about me to friends unless he is a hormonal female with baggage.

[DN]

It seems to me that you are very demanding. Especially over how often he is supposed to call/text you during the day and what he is supposed to say when he does.

 

i suspect your friend is right.