julian19 Posted June 1, 2012 Share Posted June 1, 2012 ok, so last tuesday, after 3 months of deactivating my account and cutting all contact with my ex, i have decided to finally use facebook again. Well at the back my mind, i was kinda hoping that she will see me back to facebook and message me. but to my surprise, the next day after i reactivated my facebook account, she messaged me right away! i was so shocked because i wasnt expecting that she'll be messaging me that early. and i posted that thread here that night. so we did catched up.. i tried my best to not act desperate and needy.... and she asked me if she could send me messages sometimes.. i agreed.. now yesterday,, she messaged me again asking for my new number... i gave it and she texted me right away.. she was trying to make the conversation on going but i kept my reply short and friendly.. until, we ended up talking about the past. we sent each other's pictures of our memories.. and we were both surprised that we still keep them.. i was surprised actually! because all my pictures and texts are still on her phone. Then we talked about the break up. I told her how hurt i was,, and she apologized and felt so guilty.. I asked her if she like someone else.. she said she had talked to someone and that she likes him but she doesnt love him,, she just need someone to care for her.. i was surprised. so i made up a story and told her i went out with someone too.. and she was so jealous.. We talked about "what could have been", "maybe were not meant to be", "maybe we'll find our soulmate someday"... but whenever i told her that,, she doesnt want to hear it. she said if i found someone new, i shouldnt tell her.. we talked until 5am.. now this morning,, she sent me a good morning text and asked me if she could call. i heard her voice again.. i miss her... and we talked and felt comfortable with each other... she, teasing me like : "che! u found someone already! i will find someone too and u will be jealous..." and i tease her back like : yeah right.. i'll find my destiny too,.,, in the right time..." then she will response like : "no,!! i'll find mine first!!" but whenever i tried to make her jealous,, shes so mad and she doesnt want to hear it.. so she was also telling me stories like.. she'll have a date next tuesday!! iwas so shocked.. what is our situation? does she want me back? or am i on friend zone only?? Link to comment
mpeer Posted June 1, 2012 Share Posted June 1, 2012 You shouldn't play all these mind games to make her jealous. It only serves to keep her interest temporarily and once she has you, she will bolt. She is interested because someone else has you and is playing along as well. It sounds like she is seeking an ego boost and is evident when she said she needed "someone to care for her." Either stop playing games and ask her up front about her intentions or just ignore her. Link to comment
Tom1990 Posted June 1, 2012 Share Posted June 1, 2012 Wow. Sounds like it's a lot of fun, until it gets a little personal, then it's crappy. My instinct, if I were in your shoes, would be to keep going in that direction, driving her crazy, playing hot and cold. It's hard to resist. When they freak out on us, that's when we know we got 'em. But that can backfire, too. And if it backfires, it can backfire horribly. Imagine her actually dating someone after all that back and forth, then falling for him, then going crazy and rubbing it in your face. And also finding out that you weren't dating anyone after all, and using that bit of info to really twist the knife. So basically, any "game plan" is risky at best. I say back off a bit, play it cool. If it's meant to be at this point, it will happen. If not, you don't want your expectations too high, or you'll fall hard. Link to comment
julian19 Posted June 1, 2012 Author Share Posted June 1, 2012 yes! she is really going to date him on tuesday... i acted cool and a bit jealous.. and she also metioned that she liked 5 guys... haha.. IT HURTS!! but i kept my ground... i told her that if ever she'll fall inlove with someone (ofcourse it will destroy me) that i will be happy for her... i also told her that im already open to get into new relationship.. but she told me once i am already in a relationship, i shouldnt tell her..... she's alos trying to catch me like : "weee.. i know ur in a relationship!!"... then i'll respond like : nooooo.... im not... she also admitted that she miss me and she always check me on facebook.... .. but i dont know if she still has feelings for me,.., which is sad... how do i deal with this? how can i see if she's still into me or want to be in a relationship with me... i am worried if i will get stuck on frien zone.. Link to comment
seoulmate Posted June 1, 2012 Share Posted June 1, 2012 I really can't believe I'm reading this...is this what relationships are built from? Games? You want to "win" her back?...another game? And Tom,...are you being even half serious when you advise to "...keep going in that direction, driving her crazy, playing hot and cold."?? I think I have to get off this forum for a while. It's very telling as to why a lot of people here are struggling through their break-ups when once they finally get a chance to speak maturely with their exes they decide that "being themselves" is not good enough. Instead, let the games begin! Truly disappointing... Link to comment
julian19 Posted June 1, 2012 Author Share Posted June 1, 2012 what should i do?????????? Link to comment
mpeer Posted June 1, 2012 Share Posted June 1, 2012 I really can't believe I'm reading this...is this what relationships are built from? Games? You want to "win" her back?...another game? And Tom,...are you being even half serious when you advise to "...keep going in that direction, driving her crazy, playing hot and cold."?? I think I have to get off this forum for a while. It's very telling as to why a lot of people here are struggling through their break-ups when once they finally get a chance to speak maturely with their exes they decide that "being themselves" is not good enough. Instead, let the games begin! Truly disappointing... NO! Don't. You're one of the few that has a knack for giving out advice in a very eloquent, gentle, and constructive manner. Please understand that when we go through break ups, we let our emotions dictate our actions. It is not justifiable, but we need people like you to dish out honest advice to snap us out of it. Link to comment
mpeer Posted June 1, 2012 Share Posted June 1, 2012 what should i do?????????? Julian, ignore her. She is obviously not genuinely interested in a relationship with you. The fact that she tells you she will go out with several men is a huge sign. Link to comment
Tom1990 Posted June 1, 2012 Share Posted June 1, 2012 And Tom,...are you being even half serious when you advise to "...keep going in that direction, driving her crazy, playing hot and cold."?? GOD NO! Yikes! Note that I said it can backfire horribly, and to totally not do that! what should i do?????????? Play it cool. If you're anxious at all, you will make mistakes. If she's really dating other guys, she doesn't deserve you in the slightest, and never wanted you back to begin with. Here's another scenario. My ex, about a month ago, told me that while she's not seeing anyone, she had started talking to someone that she had an interest in seeing. She phrased it just like that. I freaked out. and kept freaking out. A week later, she cut me off completely. Don't freak out like I did, unless you want the same to happen to you. Link to comment
julian19 Posted June 1, 2012 Author Share Posted June 1, 2012 ok ok.. so the situation is.. i can still feel that she's still has feelings for me... good thing is i have a good control with my emotions right now so, whenever she tells me something like that... i just laugh and say,, "yeah! GO,.. date them.. have fun!! what ever.. hahaha" how do i know if she still wants me or not...? am in friend zone already? or she is still seeing me in a romantic way..? Link to comment
JA0371 Posted June 1, 2012 Share Posted June 1, 2012 Julian, you are obviously young so I will give you a tiny bit of leeway... My advice is to let it go. You are shriveling like a raisin and you don't even realize it. Why are you resorting to these silly games?? Don't ACT like you mean something when you don't. Why would you ACT ok with her telling you she has a date, when out clearly are not. That is masochistic and self destructive behavior. You are a man....act like one. Women respect MEN who stand up for themselves..not Game players they can wipe their feet on. Excuse the expression, but you have already handed over your balls to her on a silver platter. Game over. Link to comment
BreakTheSpell Posted June 1, 2012 Share Posted June 1, 2012 I just felt the need to jump in here with a female's perspective. Hypothetically speaking, if I were in this situation and really did want my ex back, the lie that you were with someone just to make me jealous would be a deal breaker. The two of you broke up; she's allowed to see other people! Especially right after a breakup, it's healthy to get out and be yourself - she just happened to meet a guy in the process. This doesn't mean that she doesn't still care about you. Why don't you give honesty a try from now on? Link to comment
mpeer Posted June 1, 2012 Share Posted June 1, 2012 I am also a female and I agree with BreakTheSpell. Please stop playing mind games. It sounds and is tiring. You want someone who wants to be with the real you. Link to comment
Tom1990 Posted June 1, 2012 Share Posted June 1, 2012 how do i know if she still wants me or not...? am in friend zone already? or she is still seeing me in a romantic way..? She's messing with you, either on purpose or subconsciously. Probably a little of both. Link to comment
julian19 Posted June 1, 2012 Author Share Posted June 1, 2012 ok... so.. i will stop mentioning her about me seeing someone else... i will just enjoy her company and be happy that she made a way to be part of my life again.. but what would i do if she keeps on telling me about her dates or guys that she like and blah blah blah?????? should i just laugh it off and not show that im jealous.. or should i tell her that i dont want her to tell me those dating events that she has been...?? Link to comment
mpeer Posted June 1, 2012 Share Posted June 1, 2012 ok... so.. i will stop mentioning her about me seeing someone else... i will just enjoy her company and be happy that she made a way to be part of my life again.. but what would i do if she keeps on telling me about her dates or guys that she like and blah blah blah?????? should i just laugh it off and not show that im jealous.. or should i tell her that i dont want her to tell me those dating events that she has been...?? Since you are still pining for her, it is not healthy for you to hang around in the background while she is out dating other men. Why would you subject yourself to that? Love yourself enough to walk away from this disaster. I tried the friends thing with my ex and couldn't last more than a few days and he wasn't even dating others. Link to comment
julian19 Posted June 1, 2012 Author Share Posted June 1, 2012 ok heres the thing.. i will stop playing games.. but im sure she will continue to do it,.. how will i react if this happen? Link to comment
julian19 Posted June 1, 2012 Author Share Posted June 1, 2012 Since you are still pining for her, it is not healthy for you to hang around in the background while she is out dating other men. Why would you subject yourself to that? Love yourself enough to walk away from this disaster. so,, i need to cut her off again? Link to comment
mpeer Posted June 1, 2012 Share Posted June 1, 2012 Yes, let go and move on. If she contacts you and if it is nothing but games and talks of her dating, ignore her. Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted June 1, 2012 Share Posted June 1, 2012 The difference bewteen you and her right now is .. your prentending to have dates to make her want you she IS actually dating ...which kind of makes your game look a bit sad your pretending to talk to her about the dates and jokes about the future she IS actually talking about a real event and after tuesday I reckon your in for all the details Cut to the chase and either tell her what you want or walk away andlet her know you aint her agony aunt ..because that will be next !! Link to comment
julian19 Posted June 1, 2012 Author Share Posted June 1, 2012 The difference bewteen you and her right now is .. your prentending to have dates to make her want you she IS actually dating ...which kind of makes your game look a bit sad your pretending to talk to her about the dates and jokes about the future she IS actually talking about a real event and after tuesday I reckon your in for all the details Cut to the chase and either tell her what you want or walk away andlet her know you aint her agony aunt ..because that will be next !! shooting star.... im going crazy...... but i can sense she still has feelings for me? but... im so confused.. perhaps next time i will ask her directly like: "do u still have feelings for me? cause i still have feelings for u,, and i feel weird whenever u tell me about ur dates with someone else.." Link to comment
Suri Posted June 1, 2012 Share Posted June 1, 2012 "your prentending to have dates to make her want you she IS actually dating ...which kind of makes your game look a bit sad your pretending to talk to her about the dates and jokes about the future she IS actually talking about a real event and after tuesday I reckon your in for all the details" These are very true points. Don't pretend to be doing anything. She's intentionally attempting to make it seem like HER life is going better than YOURS. If you play that game then you're falling right into her trap because she's expecting you to react either 1 of 2 ways: 1. You get visibly angry and jealous about it, or break down about how you feel. In the event of this - she wins. 2. You try to top her and pretend to be doing just as well or better. In this event she still beats you because she will find out the truth eventually and then you'll look like even more of a fool. Option 3. You move on with your life and just don't even give a * * * * * . I hearby quote Sun Tzu in The Art of War "For to win one hundred victories in one hundred battles is not the acme of skill. To subdue the enemy without fighting is the acme of skill." Some will argue that this shouldn't be considered a BATTLE, however that ends up being what a lot of exes make it out to be, and when someone starts throwing punches at you, it's not wise to stand there and take them. Jealousy tactics are metaphorical relationship punches. When she starts using them, don't block, don't punch back. Just deflect it, step to the side, and keep going about your business. In other words, not talking to her is your best bet. When you have to, don't respond with any more than a third of what she says (ie. 1 word for every 3, 1 sentence for every 3, 1 text for every 3). When she's clearly using jealousy tactics, just a simple "Lol" will suffice. However, do you really want to get back together with her? If so that's another whole story. Edit: ""do u still have feelings for me? cause i still have feelings for u,, and i feel weird whenever u tell me about ur dates with someone else.." - Don't do this. That's another way of falling right into the trap. Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted June 1, 2012 Share Posted June 1, 2012 I'm not suprised bless you julian the thing is if your both cought up in the " let's make each other jealous " routine , your going to lose , because she dumped you and you want her back so much.. and it's not just you ..my friend is 46 and is doing this..little lie here and there to get a response ..and as is always the case ...she didn't get the response she wanted. she has a familiarity with you , that is clear , and she clearly does want the contact and has clearly pursued the contact .. Is she going along with the whole "you find a woman and I will find a man " because she doesn't want to lose face Is she dating and telling you because she wants you in her life , but now as her confidant who knows ... but what I do know is this will destroy you , and it is your responsibility to not allow yourself to be used as her friend with the hope of more . the longer this goes on the more of a tangled web of whose doing what with who is being weaved. you can't really tell her now that you where making your side of it up , but you can tell her you have realised you don't want the details of her date and don't want to be friends in this manner . you have to be prepared to walk away with nothing rather than stay while it is killing you just for the chance of getting back . she can't have the best of both worlds fella , and you deserve more for yourself than allowing her to have the best of both worlds ... Link to comment
julian19 Posted June 1, 2012 Author Share Posted June 1, 2012 ok ok... so shes texting me again.. telling me shes gonna watch movies with her classmates! shes so obvious that she tryin to rub her life on my face..... Link to comment
seoulmate Posted June 1, 2012 Share Posted June 1, 2012 "shes so obvious that she tryin to rub her life on my face..... " And it's working! Because here you are on this forum telling us minute by minute, play by play, updates! First, I am not going to tell you how to "feel" about someone. You obviously like her a lot. You are confused because you don't know how she feels and it bothers you. But to outsiders, it is very obvious that she is playing a game with you. If she cares about you (she dumped you remember) then why make it so easy for her to come and go in your life? She's telling you she's out with classmates because she wants you to know. Why does she want you to know? ..I don't know. Nobody knows. We can guess that she is maybe interested in making you feel a certain way. Maybe she wants you to be a little jealous. Maybe she wants you to beg for her back -- because her life is a little boring. I can GUARANTEE you one thing. You will lose this game if you decide to play. You will lose and you will hurt. You think hurting for the last 3 months was bad -- the next time it will be worse because she never said "I want you back" but she plays with your heart and your head. So...what are you going to do? Reply to her every text? Play her game? Or...are you gonna decide that there are no more games for you and walk away. Until she can maturely say to you that she'd like to be part of your life again as a true friend (she's not being a friend right now, by the way) or she says she's interested in dating again, is the only time you should engage in conversation with her. All of us here can see the final result of what is happening now. It's not a good result. It's going to be very painful for you if you allow her (yes, YOU are allowing her to do this because you are not setting the boundaries) and she will walk away and lose nothing. You can do this by saying something as simple as...."I still have feelings for you but I would like to move on with my life. I think it is best if we not talk or contact each other for a while. I'd like to focus on my life. I hope you can understand."...or something truthful like that. It's not wrong to tell a person you still care about them and need time alone. Link to comment
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