Another break up brings me to my knees...

[MarkD]

As much as this site helped me, I can't help but feel depressed that I am back here once again... I have had the worst luck with relationships. This will be my 3rd bad break up. I am now 36 years old, looking at settling down but just can't seem to find a woman that can commit. I know I am far from perfect, but I give 100% of myself in these relationships.

 

I feel so alone, scared, sad, depressed... I can't believe I am back to feeling like this again. After the last break ups, I had done so much soul searching and truly thought I could be much stronger if this ever happened again. I guess I am wrong

 

My last two break ups made me turn to antidepressants to get me through the really hard times of dark thinking. I DON`T want to be back on those meds. I feel like they just mask the pain...but I don`t know what to do? I try applying all the tools I have learned to use for personal growth but nothing seems to stick. It is 6;30AM right now and I am wide awake. I just want to sleep and not think of all the pain... So many things are rushing to my mind right now, that I don't even know where to start? uhhhh...

[RitaTrue]

Hi Mark,

 

First, I'm sorry that you're going through this pain. But you'll get out of it again, I promise

 

The first thing that stands out to me when you say "you have the worst luck in relationships," is this: do you seem a theme as to why they failed?

 

For instance, do the same insecurities resurface? Or are you attracting the same types of women?

[OneSadPuppy]

but I give 100% of myself in these relationships.

 

This leapt out at me right away.

How available are you to these women?

Do you drop everything to answer a text?

 

I don't know the story, please post about it.

 

OSP

[Taven]

How long since you broke up? Sometimes it doesn't matter how strong you are, and how much you've learnt, you just need to feel the pain and ride it out for a little while. Maybe a month down the line then you can start putting into practice everything you've learnt from past break ups.

[Lambert]

I can relate to your post. And although, I can appreciate looking for patterns and examining your own role the break ups. I've had some nice relationships and some equally bad break ups. I don't think it's me. I had a close friend kind of ask me the same thing and it really hurt my feelings especially since I was feeling so sensitive at the time. I am not sure why I don't seem to have any luck with men. Honestly, I have ASKED! So I try not to beat myself up on that one and just try to forgive myself and always remember, I am a good person.

 

right now, you just have to ride it out. It will get better. I know you are really hurting, so please don't take this as a flip comment. But try not to take it all so seriously. I imagine myself moved on and happy with someone else. I know it's hard right now. You've had some relationships, you will have more. Maybe you can relate to this. After your first or second break up, you were really hurt, right? In time you met, a new love and when you were with this person, did you ever think back to the first two and think-- "wow, am I lucky it didn't work out with them?"

 

I hold to that. I think every relationship I have had as been just a little bit better than the last. When I think of my first real adult relationship, it was a mess. I would have been so unhappy in the long run. the next was a little better and so on. My relationship was ended by him, honestly, I was happy or at least I thought I was. In the recent weeks, I have come to see, maybe there is someone better for me. Not better. I still love him. Better for me.

 

Hope this helps. I know it sucks. It does. I don't like not being in a relationship. I enjoy being close to someone and all that it entails but I am not there right now. Right now, I am single and I owe it to myself to enjoy my life-- whatever phase I am in. Whatever is happening, grieving, mourning, etc. they have their place and time. Push yourself to be strong and then break down when you need to. This too shall pass.

[MarkD]

I dont even know where to start... When I say I gave 100% of myself, I just meant I didn't make the person pay for the pain the last person caused.

 

The hardest part of this latest relationship was it's timing. I met her the day I got into a serious motorcycle accident. I pretty much died and came back to life. Our "dating" consisted of me laying in a hospital bed for 3 months. The only way I was able to leave the hospital was if I had someone to take care of me. She jumped at the chance to do it. We got to know eachother so quickly since we were together ALL the time. That's the part that hurt us in the end because we didn't have a chance to slowly ease into things. She broke up with me because she didn't feel ready for everything. She said she lost track of who she is and needs to get back to herself before she could be in a relationship with me.

 

She was completely different from my last GFs (physically and emotionally).

 

I have been battling anxiety problems since my first breakup. It comes on sooooo strong. It doesn't allow me to eat, think, sleep, act normally. I have a hard time being around people when I am like this. It's the worst because it makes me stay home, alone, dwelling on the past and over analyzing everything. I am my worst enemy. I force myself to get out, but find myself wanting to run home to my safe place. It truly brings me back to feelings of when I was an infant. Kinda sad.

[OneSadPuppy]

That sheds a little light. Good stuff with the "100%".

Pretty unusual way to meet/connect.

She sounds like a female version of a "Nice Guy" - a fixer/rescuer - avoiding her own problems.

 

I get the anxiety thing. Breakups are a monster for me too.

I personally am working to make me the most important thing in my life (something that was not always so).

Also, I'm going to be a bit pickier in the future. I would have a tendency to try to make it work rather than leave because of red flags or incompatibility.

You know the process going forward, it's the next relationship that you have to be ready for.

 

OSP

[Silverbirch]

Hey Mark, are you sure she has broken up or just needs a little time to step back so she doesn't lose herself. I can understand where she might be coming from. I don't know about her, just myself, and I have a genuine fear of losing myself in relationships. I'm with somebody I love very, very much right now, and that is a fear of mine, and one of the biggest reasons for it is that I know if I don't maintain my sense of self, not only would I lose myself, but eventually would lose this man I love so much. BTW, wondering if this girl might be a nurse or something. That is also my background. I posted once before here recently asking if there were other people here who worked in caring professions who have their own set of issues in relationships related to their "caring".

[Ms Darcy]

I think the best thing for you would be to stay single for a while and work on your anxiety with a counselor. I am sorry for your pain.

[MarkD]

Thanks for all the support. I was talking to her today, and i got the message saying "i am really sorry Mark, but for me the love is gone". It hurts to hear those words... Someone you love doesnt feel the same way... I have been in this situation before and I knownhow long and difficult this road can be. Thats the part that scares me... It took so much to recover from my last relationship. I thought this girl was different. I am losing faith in women`s words and commitment. When I tell someone I love them, I could never just pick up and go. Like I said, I was ready to commit and marry this girl and have kids with her. She was pushing to have kids, get married, buy a new home with me. I kept telling her to slow down and give us some time... Thank god I didnt get her pregnant or ask her to marry me.

 

I miss her so much....nothing but sadness clouds my thoughts

[Silverbirch]

I'm so sorry to hear this Mark. It does sound like it all happened very quickly. I'm like you a lot in some ways I think. I too haven't to date been able to just pick up and go. For her to say that the love is gone after 3 months though does sound like she doesn't really know a lot about real love. For most people, 3 months is just when things are starting up.

 

I have been with current man for 9 months, though have known him much longer. We both became potentially very ill within 2 months of the relationship starting - he could have lost a leg and I was diagnosed with cancer. It was weird to be in such a new relationship and have all that happen. Not to say that either of us is perfect or the relationship is perfect, but for us, at 9 months, it feels like as time goes by, things get better because you get to know each other more. For this girl to have pushed for marriage and children as you say, makes me wonder if she had felt her biological clock was ticking and that's why she moved so fast. That does seem to be a common issue for people in relationships in your age group. Fact is, you are still really young even though you may not see it that way. You will be able to have children for many years and lots of people in your age group who have had several partners and have eventually become happily married. The fact that you have been in some fairly long-term relationships and that you don't just emotionally move on so quickly I think means that you are likely very capable of having a really good, healthy and lasting relationship.

[MarkD]

I just keep getting kicked down. At first, the breakup was somewhat understood... We have BOTH been through sooo much in a really short period of time. On Saturday, she told me specifically that she just didnt love me anymore. I still have no idea how girls can flip the "love switch" just like that. I woke up this morning to see a picture of her at a festival with her two friends. She was standing there with some guy down on one knee kissing her hand. It just kills me.... I made an appointment with my doctor today to seek help. I cant go on like this...

[One day]

Hi Mark I'm sorry your having such a tough time, men, women I don't think it differs when they kill the "love switch" you have made a good move in going to see your doctor tomorrow. I know your not keen on anti depressants but they can help greatly in times like this and also try and seek some therapy through your doc.

 

I hope that you get some help tomorrow, keep posting.

[Ms Darcy]

I look forward to you going to therapy. Time will help you get clarity.

 

I think you should also stop talking to your ex.

[MarkD]

Again, I am trying SO hard to not go back on anti depressants. They did help me feel better in the past, but obviously they don't resolve anything, they just cover up the underlying issues. I am very weak emotionally...I always have been. I wear my heart on my sleeve, but I don't really want to change that. I like being sensitive and in touch with my emotions. The problem is, I wish I had a little more control over my mind/body. I reach such lows when I get broken up with.

[Ms Darcy]

You do have control over your mind and body.

 

I would suggest you also explore yoga and meditation.