Relationship Quality as a Factor in Reconciliation?

[elephants]

Before anything else, let me say that I know there is probably no sure answer to this one. But it's not such a bad idea to start a discussion, right?

 

Do you guys think that the quality of your relationship while it still existed is a determining factor in your chances for reconciliation? If you had a great relationship before the break up, and you treated them well, do you think there is a higher chance for them to come back? And if you had a lousy relationship, and you treated them badly, does that hurt the chances of the ex considering to go back to you?

 

I had a break-up once (not my recent), where I was technically the dumpee, but I felt more like the dumper. It was his decision to break things off, but he only dumped me because I kissed another guy while I was drunk and lonely. The loneliness was caused by the boyfriend's miserable treatment of me-- he was overly demanding, overly critical, tells me not to wear certain clothes because I look fat and it's embarrassing to his friends, pressures me for sex and makes me cry when I refuse, walks out on me when we argue even when he's in the wrong, picks fights with me over petty things, etc. In short, he was an a**hole, the total opposite of an ideal boyfriend.

 

I begged and stuff, apologized, told him we could make it work, but he insisted that I just move on and find someone else. So I did.

 

I was going out with someone else two days after he dumped me, and that new guy was a decent human being, treated me nicely and made me feel good about myself. When the ex found out that I was happy with this new guy, he chased after me. He demanded, then begged, then threatened me (for real) to go back to him. He gave me flowers, gifts, letters; took me out, drove me home-- all of which he couldn't be bothered to give me when we were together.

 

I tried to give him a chance, but it was fruitless. My eyes had been opened and I finally saw him for the mean-spirited pathetic loser that he was. He went NC after around a month of begging, but broke it after three months to pick another fight with me-- such a smart guy, right?

 

I never took him back, and now, almost 2 years since that BU, I still don't want him back, and I don't think I ever will. I never missed him for one second, even though I actually tried to love him again because I felt sorry for him. I would read his texts and try to invoke feelings, but at the most I just felt pity. I never once thought fondly of him, and when I look back, I remember around 2 instances of happiness in our relationship and around 10,000 instances of frustration/loneliness.

 

I resent him, and just thinking of going out with him again makes me gag with revulsion. Sorry about that, but really... I remember all the pain he put me through during AND after the relationship, and I just can't imagine myself ever wanting to be his friend again, much less his girlfriend.

 

And I can't help wondering-- if he had been a better boyfriend to me, would I have gained back the feelings after he went NC on me? Would I have missed him? Is it purely his mistreatment of me that made me so averse to the idea of a second go at a relationship with him?

[Hollyj]

Unfortunately, there are many that return to this type of abusive relationship due to low self esteem. Count yourself lucky that you are not one of them!

 

Try to move on from this destructive period, it serves no purpose.

[Streetbob]

I guess that if you had fun, were stable, there was no abuse or another person involved, there has got to be a good chance that your paths will cross again at some point in the future.

 

Unless there was something particularly traumatic in the breakup I think that time will was away the bad stuff and happy memories will be left (I hope).

 

SB

[mhowe]

Yes - I would think that to be true. My bf and I split after 1.5 yrs together due to stress in his life. I didn't know it at the time, but as I went NC for 4 months, in my heart I believed he would find me again when he was ready. I didn't know how long that would be, but going thru the time apart, reviewing our relationship, I realized that he would never hurt me on purpose --- so the bu had to be about something else. And it was.

 

Our relationship was built on trust and respect, and a six yr. friendship. Our reconciliation occurred because of that foundation.