how do we cope up with regrets and self blame?

[julian19]

As each day passed during NC period, my clarity and peace of mind has been setting in already. I am in the period of acceptance and on my way to healing. I am no longer pinning for my ex and I have already accepted the fact that it's over. Though i miss her, and the good times that we've spent together, It still hurts but It gets easier each day.

 

But during NC, I underwent through a roller coaster ride of emotions from pain of lost, rejection, anger, and so on. It was a weird feeling. One morning i'd feel like missing my ex so much but in the afternoon, I'd remember something horrible that she did and said, then anger sets in and i would hate her. When night comes, there i'll find myself missing her and feeling pain again. It was a pendulum feeling.

 

During NC, you'll also get to the point wherein you'll have a clear and wide understanding to be able reflect on the failed relationship and on the behaviors that you have shown during the break up..

 

As i got through this phase, I found myself resenting my own behavior. How i acted during the relationship and the break up, is clear as a crystal in my head right now.

 

When i look back in the relationship, i thought it was my ex who caused the break up since she was the one who initiated it, but NO.. a BIG NO... it was ME instead. As i started to reflect on those scenarios, I remember clearly how i became clingy, demanding, needy, codependent and annoying to my ex. These for sure are not attractive! And i blame myself so much. I LOST HER.

 

Not just that, but after the break up, I begged, pleaded, apologized, gave up my self respect and dignity just to have her back into my life. I took away all the left respect that my ex has for me, that she got to the point where she was able treat me horribly. It was not her fault that she acted that way.. IT WAS ME!

 

 

how do i cope up with regrets? I lost her. I lost the relationship , I lost the chance of getting her back because of my unattractive and pitiful behavior that i've shown as i begged her to come back. The worst part is, I lost myself. I lost my self respect. I lost my dignity. I lost my good image.

 

how can i get through this? I want my dignity and self respect back.

maybe whenever this person thinks of me, she remember me in a pitiful and poor way as she really did pity me already the last time talked, because i was so persistent. I want her to forget about me. It would be a BIG relief for me if she would not think about me anymore. I feel so embarrassed.

 

I want my self respect and dignity back, not her and the relationship..

[Meloshski]

I went through the same thing, the aftermath of finding out and my behavior for the two weeks following till she just abandoned her home, our pets, and me. As the weeks of nc started I would try and text her, call her or do anything to just see her. I gave up all my dignity and self respect just to try and get her to talk to me.

 

After I got off the drug of the relationship and had to start putting my life piece by piece back together I had the Sam thoughts and shame about what I had done and acted.

 

When I started To accept and then look to myself as what was my role in the loss of my marriage though I had to accept those things about myself look at why I had done them realize that that was me and I did those things out of my own pain and hurt. Iyou have to forgive yourself. Accept that is also part of you that your love was deeper then the value you gave yourself and seek to rebuild yourself to a place where your self worth won't let you act like that again.

[MissieP]

First off never ever blame yourself...... You can never ever know things going into a relationship it's when you get out out of the relationship and sometimes it takes months with healing and the whole learning process you understand or rather see things you might of missed when were in the relationship focusing in on the bad times so you can zero in on the red flags you missed so you can learn the next time. Do not think of it as regrets think of it as a learning process and no one can say hey joe smith or jane smith are evil people god you should of known better! We never,never know these things so never ever self blame!

[Mizz]

Just a thought here, but did you ever consider if you happened to think/feel that you were clingy or needy towards the end of the relationship or at certain points with her that it was just possibly because she started to pull away?

 

People tend to get more clingy and panic when even if you can't describe it something doesn't feel right. You don't act like yourself when this happens. That's when people can get more sensitive and frantic trying to get a partner to pay attention etc.

 

You never know what she was thinking unless she told you. And even so, don't blame yourself for anything!

 

1) Think of it as a learning process.

 

2) Don't beat yourself up. I mean even if you think you were acting certain ways, if your ex really loved you she could have talked to you honestly and said something like "hey, so are you okay lately?" and brought up behaviors that she had noticed and tried to work it out with you.

 

That's what I always think of... How before a break up I know there's only so much a person can take of feeling bad/sad before they end it. And if people are unhappy or want out then that's a last resort, but if something a partner was doing was making them feel odd or if they felt suffocated/smothered then you'd at least think instead of running they'd try to work on it or ask for some space even.

 

Think how if she loved you, no matter how you were, she wouldn't have hurt you like that.

 

I had a period of reflection on how I acted in my relationship too. I thought how sometimes I'd act sensitive or get emotional, maybe even sometimes a little clingy, but I realized those behaviors were in instances where I felt my ex was pulling away or moments where I felt weren't going too well in the relationship. Then I'd feel terrible like I was being annoying or something, and I'd even tell my ex "Omg I feel like I am being annoying now" but then all I'd want to do was work it out. Problems would be addressed, not very reassured/worked out but seemed fixed, and over time I really think it affected how I'd act, especially later into the relationship. Before I'd be so comfortable and not care what happened or if he was busy or what was really going on but then as other things would happen that he'd do or say to me then it'd affect how I'd act and feel with him and in the whole relationship over time. It wasn't necessarily my fault though, I know those behaviors can be so annoying and push someone away. But I wouldn't often act like that, it was especially more towards the end when I felt weird and thought things weren't going so well though. I don't know why my ex ended it, but I see it as, if my ex felt smothered by me or had a problem with me/the relationship if he had loved me enough he would have told me what was bothering him or tried to work things out first. Before the BU other than acting oddly the last couple weeks of it he really gave me no indication that anything serious was wrong. We were still seeing each other and being nice/sweet though something deep down inside me didn't feel totally like myself though. We didn't fight, I was pretty much otherwise the same sweet and loving person despite feeling a little odd/more emotional before it ended. But even then, I always see it how if it was true love he would have tried working it out first.

 

Just consider how you can't blame yourself! Continue taking time to reflect on everything. Don't be so hard on yourself. Just see it as a learning experience and that you'll meet someone a million times better who won't leave you no matter how you are.

[brickheart]

Mizz... how do I deal with it, then, if he DID bring it up, DID address the issues, even gave me a second chance... then I blew it? Part of it was his fault, but a lot of it was mine, and it just didn't click with me that he was going to get so fed up with our relationship (as happy as it was sometimes) that he would end it. He DID give indications that he was going to end it, and I just ignored them. How do I deal with the regret then?

[Tom1990]

Think how if she loved you, no matter how you were, she wouldn't have hurt you like that.

 

Yep, this.

 

A true partner wouldn't think "He's being clingy, I need to dump him." A true partner would think "He's being clingy, something's wrong."

[Mizz]

Mizz... how do I deal with it, then, if he DID bring it up, DID address the issues, even gave me a second chance... then I blew it? Part of it was his fault, but a lot of it was mine, and it just didn't click with me that he was going to get so fed up with our relationship (as happy as it was sometimes) that he would end it. He DID give indications that he was going to end it, and I just ignored them. How do I deal with the regret then?

 

 

Well it's always hard after a BU. No matter what the circumstances were for why it ended it's still a loss. It's normal to feel guilty, it's one of the stages everyone goes through with a BU. But I have to ask first before I try giving advice, what did he exactly bring up to you for the reason? What went wrong in the first place? Was the second time for why he ended it the same as the first? Why do you feel guilty/responsible?

[brickheart]

He said specifically that it was all the arguing, that he couldn't take it anymore. We were "dsyfunctional" (and I say that in quotation marks because that's what he said, not because I don't believe it) and although he cared about me, he didn't want to continue the way we were going. And he didn't believe things were going to get better, because we had just had the faux break-up two weeks prior. I have to agree - I didn't have my revelation until Friday.

 

I feel guilty first of all because that's my personality. I tend to take blame and castrate myself and rake myself over the coals when I shouldn't, and overthink the past. It's part of what I'm working through with my therapist, and the ex has remarked on this tendency of mine. Now I'm taking all the blame for the failure of the relationship. He definitely brought up the arguing before, and we even talked about how we wanted to change and were planning to change, and he just didn't see any difference from when we talked about it months earlier.

[Mizz]

He said specifically that it was all the arguing, that he couldn't take it anymore. We were "dsyfunctional" (and I say that in quotation marks because that's what he said, not because I don't believe it) and although he cared about me, he didn't want to continue the way we were going. And he didn't believe things were going to get better, because we had just had the faux break-up two weeks prior. I have to agree - I didn't have my revelation until Friday.

 

If he brought it up, at least he had the decency to tell you why he thought it'd be best to end it.

If you guys tried going out for a second time and it didn't work out, don't blame yourself! You may feel like you "blew it" but in actuality there could really be some other underlying cause for why it didn't work out. Which in this case, in his eyes, was continuous arguing. There's a sure sign that something isn't going right if it keeps happening. What would you guys argue about?

 

I feel guilty first of all because that's my personality. I tend to take blame and castrate myself and rake myself over the coals when I shouldn't, and overthink the past. It's part of what I'm working through with my therapist, and the ex has remarked on this tendency of mine. Now I'm taking all the blame for the failure of the relationship. He definitely brought up the arguing before, and we even talked about how we wanted to change and were planning to change, and he just didn't see any difference from when we talked about it months earlier.

 

Aww, don't feel guilty though! You can't help your personality, and you need to be with a guy who can appreciate you just for how you are. And even so, every relationship and every break up can be a learning experience. But you ARE seeing a therapist to help you. You have been trying to work on yourself and at first if he was understanding and planned to go through this with you, if he truly loved you he would have been willing to stick through with the process no matter how long it took. He knew you were working on getting better, it's not a process that can happen over night. I know all people have a right to be happy, and if continuous arguing wasn't making him happy it's understandable. Though, he knew you were working on it though, true love is through better or for worse! So what he did was run from the situation instead of support you through it. Don't blame yourself for this or feel guilty.

[brickheart]

Thank you, Mizz. I can tell I've come a long way from where I was even over the weekend, because I'm starting to see the truth of exactly what you're saying - "if he truly loved you he would have been willing to stick through with the process no matter how long it took." Unfortunately, this was the first relationship for both of us, and I don't think he realizes what true love looks like (unfortunately his parents have the kind of relationship where they don't argue because his dad always decides)... it's sad. I truly loved him and I believe he loved me, but he still believes that real couples don't argue as much as we did (and it's true, they probably argue somewhat less). He does know how earnest I am about improving myself, and apparently he doesn't mind giving up anyway.

 

Unfortunately, this is why I keep blaming the timing - the first time we broke up was on a Sunday, and I see my therapist on a Friday. By the time our appointment rolled around, I wasn't hysterical. Since we broke up this time on a Thursday, it all came spilling out last week. If only I had seen her on Monday or Tuesday... but frankly, I can't keep beating myself up over it. It was his decision whether to stick it out or give up, and he gave up. I don't have malicious feelings towards my ex at all, but I do feel I can find someone who will bear with me through my self-improvement.

[sonicfan287]

Brickheart, Im so sorry to hear that...

 

I actually got a THIRD chance with my ex and blew it, and in very similar fashion to what you mean, but Mizz and others are right. I know it wont nessecarily ease your pain, but your first step should be to take the guilt off yourself. Youll still miss him but theres no reason to be down on yourself. I say this, but Im the same way...

[Mizz]

Thank you, Mizz. I can tell I've come a long way from where I was even over the weekend, because I'm starting to see the truth of exactly what you're saying - "if he truly loved you he would have been willing to stick through with the process no matter how long it took." Unfortunately, this was the first relationship for both of us, and I don't think he realizes what true love looks like (unfortunately his parents have the kind of relationship where they don't argue because his dad always decides)... it's sad. I truly loved him and I believe he loved me, but he still believes that real couples don't argue as much as we did (and it's true, they probably argue somewhat less). He does know how earnest I am about improving myself, and apparently he doesn't mind giving up anyway.

 

I know how hard it is. How much you loved him, how it can hurt. But all relationships have ups and downs or arguments at times. You don't want a guy who will run and give up through a rough patch! Perhaps something more serious or devastating happened would he just run then too? You don't need that type of insecurity in a relationship, the type of insecurity where if there's a problem, especially a problem you are working on, that he'll just decide to give up. You don't need that you need a guy who will appreciate you and be with you through everything and love you unconditionally.

 

Unfortunately, this is why I keep blaming the timing - the first time we broke up was on a Sunday, and I see my therapist on a Friday. By the time our appointment rolled around, I wasn't hysterical. Since we broke up this time on a Thursday, it all came spilling out last week. If only I had seen her on Monday or Tuesday... but frankly, I can't keep beating myself up over it. It was his decision whether to stick it out or give up, and he gave up. I don't have malicious feelings towards my ex at all, but I do feel I can find someone who will bear with me through my self-improvement.

 

The time has nothing to do with this, you can't beat yourself up and think that way. Regardless of what day you'd have an appointment his decision was inevitable. Not one person could have changed his mind, not even the fact of you seeing your therapist on a different day, it wouldn't have mattered. Once a person decides "I want to end this" they're pretty stubborn about it and set in that mind frame. I am glad you have a positive attitude in that you SHOULD feel like you can find someone who will be there for you through anything! Which is a great guy you will some day meet

[charity]

taking blame for the demise of a relationship doesn't absolve your ex for their share.

but it is good that you see what went wrong. it will help you greatly in the future. you became clingy and needy probably as some instinct or fear set in that you were losing her. next time that happens you may decide to deal with it another way.

i really believe that 'regrets are the declouding of the mind'. you can see clearly now what happened. you have learned where you made mistakes. rather then feel bad for these regrets, just accept that you did not know better at that time in your life..... and now you do.

also just because someone walks away from you doesn't mean they didn't care and love you once. feelings change, people change. accepting that will be a weight off your shoulders.