Education levels

[StillHopeful88]

I find that it is so hard to open your heart to somebody after you've been hurt. I did that and I've had my fair share of problems, but one main thing that's preventing me from dating this new guy is our intellectual differences. I come from a very educated family and I myself went to university for the sciences. The guy im seeing didnt go to school (only high school) and he works in the trades. Iove him and he's an amazing person but I'm terrified that I'm dumbing myself down a little. I can't have deep conversations with him and I feel like our talks are so basic. There's other things that are holding me back but this is one of the main things.

Does anybody have any experience with something like this and if so does education make a big difference in relationship dynamics? I don't want to let him go becuase he's amazing, but I can't help but think I'm settling or downplayingyself when it comes to him.

[Batya33]

To me it does and always did. Most of the people I encountered who were single had at least a college education (I have a grad degree) and I avoided dating people who did not have at least a college degree- I met few people who had only high school diplomas and only one or two who actually were interested in dating me so it wasn't much of an issue. What was an issue was when I met men who I didn't find intelligent - and I never liked that feeling of having to change how I spoke or what I spoke about. I preferred to be with someone who challenged me intellectually. I also wanted someone who shared the same educational values as me as far as the value of achieving at least a college degree if at all possible. Other people feel differently on this issue of course! When it comes to friendships I don't really care what the person's education level is.

[Ms Darcy]

On average, more and more women these days are getting more higher education degrees than men. If you feel as if your education creates a gulf in the intellectual conversation, you should reconsider the relationship. Intellectual connection is very important and you should not short change yourself on that.

[Generation]

My girlfriend talks about things I can't understand all the time mostly cause of her job. She explains it to me, I try my best to keep up and follow which I usually do cause she's able to lay it in simple terms. Overtime I'm starting to pick up on what the things she talks about are. Mostly about surgery and stuff like that. While I'm "educated" and went to university, sometimes I wonder if I'm even smarter than a 5th grader, not to mention I'm severely immature.

 

Don't let it get to you. Plus, are you really dumbing yourself? If that's the case then there's a problem. If you're embracing another part of yourself, then there's not a problem, like who's to say a smart person can't let loose every once in a while? And there are probably topics he doesn't talk to you about because you wouldn't understand it either. And is the problem here really education? Some educated people can't carry a conversation, some uneducated people can carry a conversation about topics that matter.

[pinkelephant]

My last bf is now an MD and he's a total dumb ass. He was smart when it came to school and that was it. He didn't know politics, could barely hold his own when discussing anything intellectual and his emotional intelligence wasn't much either. soooooo, education means little in my opinion.

 

however, ambition and resilience often come with higher degrees (because we all know sometimes school is hell) are strong points to be considered.

[stuka80]

there's a difference between intelligence and education. Just because a person has a college degree does not mean they're more intelligent than someone who only has a high school diploma, i'm sure you already know this. I know a couple of people who do only have high school diplomas that can carry on deep and intelligent conversations and would be more than equal intellectually to the average college educated person.

 

Now if you're talking about status and having to be your educational equal, then that's something else completely.

 

Me personally i've dated both higher and lower levels of education than me and the relationships eventually didnt last but it wasnt because of the education levels between us, that part never bothered me nor did it my partners.

[bulletproof]

there's a difference between intelligence and education.

 

I agree with this. You should be concerned that you can't have deep conversations with him, not whether he went to college or not. Plus you mention that there are other reasons you might not want to date him. It sounds like you're just not a match for each other.

[Stay_home]

I know a lot of people who are educated by the "finer" schools of finer literature arts and bachelor degrees of sciences but they don't know very much outside of their box. So it doesn't make for a very good intellectual conversation.

[femaleanomaly]

I had a similar problem. I broke my rule and dated a guy who was younger than me. In my job field majority of the people who went to Uni are either officers or higher ranking NCOs while I am neither. I chose to date this guy because he was funny and he made me smile, which was exactly what I needed. However, his jokes were simplistic and he when I was speaking normally he said my vocabulary was too much for him and he couldn't understand me. English isn't even my first language! Don't get me wrong. He wasn't stupid by any means. Ask him anything about his job or something technical to do with weapons and he could remember it. Try to talk to him about politics, religion, philosiphies of life and he looked about as blank as a goldfish. Was it because he didn't go to Uni as well? Maybe. Or maybe we just weren't the right match. I feel that people have deal breakers in relationships. Sometimes it's a difference of religions, sometimes they can't do any long distance at all, and maybe you found that you don't like to be in a relationship where you feel like you aren't getting anything intellectual out of it. I, personally, like it when the guy I am dating is either as smart or smarter than me. If they seem like they can't keep up it's a turn off. It's up to you to decide if it's a deal breaker or not but if you are posting about it because it's making you unhappy then it sounds to me like it already is a deal breaker. Unless you'd like to wait it out a couple of months and continue to let it dig under your skin, which it is bound to do unless you 100% accept it. I know that one from experience as well. ;-)

 

Good luck!

[kaibutsu]

Just like the lack of physical intimacy can damage a relationship, if you're not getting the intellectual stimulation you need out of your relationship, the same thing can happen. Some people don't feel the need for intellectual conversations with their spouse/SO because they get that input elsewhere, but others need it one hundred percent of the time. I know the first time I dated a gal that was truly quite intelligent, it was a huge breath of fresh air because we were always having discussions about almost any topic and we always had something to say to each other. On the other hand, the gal right after her that I was seeing wasn't well educated, but we did get along well. After a while I definitely missed the intellectual level of the relationship. So it can be very important to date the right person on an intellectual level. Whether that specifically requires a degree is up for debate, but you should be able to tell pretty quickly whether you are intellectually compatible pretty early in the relationship, degree or not.

[pl3asehelp]

Intelligence is crucial for me, but not necessarily education. Education is just buying a piece of paper and often just a deep dive stovepipe type knowledge. An accountant is educated, but I could care less about tax laws, you know? It's pretty easy to tell just by talking to someone if they're intelligent or not. Also, don't discount the effect of fatigue from work on anyone's desire to have anything beyond a simple yes/no type conversation.

[EmmaB78]

For me, similar levels of intelligence is crucial. The guy doesn't have to know everything that I know, but he does have to be able to keep up, and he needs to be able to teach me things as well. I tend to associate education with intelligence just because it's easy when doing something like online dating, but I did once date a guy that only had a high school diploma (which he had to go back for after dropping out for a year), and he was very intelligent. He did have some gaps in knowledge from not having gone to college, but he was the type that picked up on things really quickly so it didn't matter that much. I also found that he was not intimidated by MY education, which is also very important to me - he was far more secure than some guys I've met who had much higher levels of education than he did.

[Batya33]

I would never have dated someone who believed that higher education was buying a piece of paper (especially since I eventually wanted a family) so for me the similar educational values were almost as important as compatible intellectual levels.

[Ms Darcy]

I would never have dated someone who believed that higher education was buying a piece of paper (especially since I eventually wanted a family) so for me the similar educational values were almost as important as compatible intellectual levels.

 

I agree. I don't know why people feel that way. My own college experience was one of the most fruitful intellectually and socially that I have ever had. I dated a guy, for two years, who never went to college. He is incredibly bright and was very intellectually curious but I could never talk to him about the college experience and he was just plain bitter towards people who went to college. He didn't really think it mattered if his kids went to college. My values are very different and I insist that my kids go.

 

My current bf took a long time to get through college (7 years). It wasn't easy for him but he's glad he did it. I really respect him for it.

[astral]

I don't have a degree and will probably never get one but I just wanted to point out that not everyone who didn't go through college doesn't respect or understand the experience.

 

I come from a family with a high regard for education, my dad has a PHD and is a lecturer at a university, my sister just graduated with two degrees and did very well and my other sister is well on her way to getting her degree. Myself, I always wanted to go to university, I even did a year of mechatronic engineering (and did pretty well I might ad) before deciding to peruse my creative 'calling' in visual effects (a field where almost every formal education degree does very little, if anything, to help). This is a field I very much enjoy and I have not regretted the move. I have a very keen interest in science, technology and philosophy and I like being able to delve into the specific topics that interest me. Of course, I like finding people that I can talk to about these things and I find most of them do have a university background. I guess my point is, everyone's different. Maybe the college degree shouldn't be a deal breaker.

[Ms Darcy]

I think your post is thoughtful. I personally don't think everyone who doesn't go through college does not respect the experience. One can have that desire for their kids. But I you can't understand an experience unless/until you go through it. I don't understand the prison experience or the experience of giving birth because I haven't gone through it.

 

I also think, for people who haven't gone to college, it can be hurtful to hear that a girl/guy might not be interested because they do not have a degree. The immediate response is - but I am intelligent and intellectually curious. This is true.

 

For me, a college degree is a deal breaker for a myriad of reasons and there is no shame in that. Not everyone is a fit for everyone else.

[pl3asehelp]

I have a degree and it's allowed me to build a career, but I don't think I'm any more intelligent because of it. Any intelligent person could get to the same place in life through other means. Some of the most important tech and business leaders decided to leave school early and didn't get their degrees. Are these guys not intelligent? link removed

[Batya33]

I have a degree and it's allowed me to build a career, but I don't think I'm any more intelligent because of it. Any intelligent person could get to the same place in life through other means. Some of the most important tech and business leaders decided to leave school early and didn't get their degrees. Are these guys not intelligent? link removed

 

I don't think people who have college degrees are necessarily more intelligent but when I was looking for a partner I would not have been interested in a person who didn't have the intellectual or academic ability to get into college. I know my degrees increased my intelligence and intellectual awareness and lots of other good stuff but I also know that's not true for everyone. I also wanted someone who shared my educational values and who prioritized achieving a college degree or graduate degree over getting rich.