Maybe some hope for you all

[craigblitz]

Well last night I get a call saying what most of us all here want to hear. She called and said she is sorry for everything, I never meant to hurt you, I want us to be us again, and I will do what ever it takes to make this work. Besides the initial shock, I was happy to hear this, but at the same time still being cautious and wanting to take things one day at a time. I told her to think about it for a while and she assured me she will but if I am not ready she is ready to prove it to me.

 

Anyway, I am not here to rub it in but people tend not to come back after things work out and I promised if it ever did I would come back and tell the story.

 

Here is some background:

3 year realtionship that was really great. She said she needed time for herself and that we were just "different". Said she would always love me and care for me, but we would not be together. On top of all this I took a job that would require me to travel a lot so I would only see her on the weekends.

 

Some Lessons Learned and advise

 

- 1st week I begged and pleaded and did EVERYTHING wrong. Actually no for 2 weeks. When we would talk it all revolved around her coming back and I will do this and this. You want to write a post about doing everything wrong. Well here is the poster child my friends. I did it.

 

- Weeks after that... I knew I had to change. I was miserable would not sleep, could not eat, could not focus. My world and thoughts were consumed that I lost the love of my life. I mean every waking minute and thought was on her and only her. I tried to stay busy, but was not in the mood to have fun. During this time I talked to her once or twice when she called and a couple AIM chats but that was it. What advice can I give here. Not a lot... it is ok to grieve. It is ok to be sad. This point is when you find out who your friends are. I relied on people I never met on here. There are a couple of friends I can not even imagine going through this witout them. JustPlainSad, ShockedandDismayed, Az and Muneca have been an absolute staple for me. Thank yous could never express my thanks enough to listen to every whine, irrational thought, petty bs, asking for advice (not always listening) everythng. What I am saying friends, is rely on those who are loving enough to help. If there is one thing I would have done different it would have been findind something to keep myself more busy.

 

About 2 months after the break... Offical face to face contact. She came to visit me and all it was was a simple dinner. I looked through this site like I was studying for an exam. I read the MYJOY thread sent a thousand emails and pms to all my friends to see what I should do. One of the few things I did right... I was jsut myself. I was SOO happy to see her.. it was awkward because I wanted to tell her I love her, but just acted as myself. No more no less. I think because of this meeting other face to face occurred because she did not feel threatended.

 

3 Months after break.. Because of that date she would start seeing me every weekend one day a week. Just dinner or lunch, but every weekend she would call anc schedule something. This process went well. I was in control, at this point I was dating other casuallyand just played it cool. Remind you my love for her still was intense, but I was preparing myself that this might really be over so jsut have a good time. There were times during this that I lost all patience with her. Would talk about us being together. Me telling her that I do not want to see her anymore, I am being used yadda yadda. Lesson to be learned here, if you are dating the other person frequently... you should tell them what you want in the relationship. Communicate, camly but be precise. Listen to what they want. See if there is a middle ground that you can be happy with. I told her I understand why she does not want what I want but we came up with a compromise. Basically it was me being the bigger person and taking the lead of MyJoy and being there and caring. I also looked at what a poster name Danimal did, and made sure I was not being a wuzz but doing a give/take, but I still was giving a lot more then taking.

 

Abut 4 months in... Patience dry... Still dating.. Calls from her everynight.. Says she loves me.. misses me.. Still no commitment.. Still date. I have thoughts I am being used, being played. She is having her cake and eating it as well. You name it, I felt it. It was great hearing all these things, but why not be in a realtionship. Talked about the realationship more and more. This might have been the worse time.. It was so close but seemed so far away... It was just exhausting.... I was about to tell her to F-OFF but the great advise of JUSTPLAINSAD.. he made me stay patient and rational.

 

5 months-Today... Finally just decided to let go..Live for me and what happeneds will happened. I truly was ok with the way things were going. I just did not care. I was focusing on me and what made me happy. I was still there for her and supportive, but in a sense I really felt that I could handle what happened. It was a I want her, but do not need her you know. I still got frustrated from time to time. In fact yesterday I was PM'ing and talking to friends saying I need out of limbo. I can not take it. I told her earlier in the day I need a break from all this. I let her know that when my patience was dry I would tell her. So I did. Then that evening she called and asked if I felt the same way. I took the advice of shocked and jusplainsad and explained I loved her and the situation is not healthy and we need a break. I also explained to her that I loved her with my whole heart, but I want what is best for her so I wished her well on her Journey and assured her that this is aut me and not because I was mad. I said I would check on her from time to time, but for her not to call me till she wanted what I wanted. She cried and said she was sorry for the mess but will respect my wishes. I felt good. I had no hate for her. I was ok with this, if it was meant to be then it will be. This was a long process as you can see but I kept working on me, was dating, was around friends so life was ok without her. Then I got the call tonight.

 

Again is this journey over.. no. Is it going to be eas no. I am still cautious and skeptical, but she says she is not so we will see.

 

Some blanket advice....

 

I made her contact me all the time. I think I contacted her after the first weeks of begging for about 4 times the first 3.5 months. Then after that I did maybe 6 times total. That way I was never guessing is she contacting me because I called or because she is thinking of me.

 

I am a hypocrite here in some reagards, but NC is a great idea until you feel better. Maybe take a call here or there, but do not bring up the realtionship. NC is for you. The gradually go into partical NC. Let them contact you, do not be at their beg and call right.

 

Look out for #1... That is you. Never lose focus of that. What do you want. What can you do to improve when she is gone. Hit the gym, date, make your life the best it can be.

 

You need to find a good mixture between the advice you are given and your situation. There are time I wondered why Shocked and JustPlain even tried to help. They would say one thing, but I would do the other. Then I would listen a little. You have to follow your heart, but do it with discerment and be willing to listen to what others say.

 

Friends if you choose to go on this journey... REALIZE.. and man I can not stress this enough... have Patience. This ride will send you on a roller coaster that you can not imagine. They have issues... you think you have the fix... you don't. They need to come to gribs with it... Patience, Patience, Patience. Something I rely on everyday from friends. Patience. When it dries up, back off. Do not resent your ex. Pull out and regroup before anything blows up. Realize this is a part in the realtionship where you will give more then you receive...

 

This is a novel as is.. Trust me when you think you screwed everything up, you haven't. Make a better you. See what the future holds.

 

I will be around for a while so if you have any questions, the above people mentioned are phenomonal people, or I would be willing to help too.

[JustPlainSad]

I hate you!

[lady00]

Congrats!!!!!!!! One question: Did your ex see anyone else while you were apart?

[craigblitz]

Lady00... Yeah she did. It was nothing serious but they did "hook up" 2 times. Not all the way, but I think you can get the drift. That is another piece of advice, unless for some reason you just have to know that is better left unsaid. Makes me want to puke thinking about it.

 

If there is a serious relationship with your ex and someone else.. Back off 100% is my opinion. But I also agree with MyJoy relax it is most likley a rebound.

[RayKay]

Good stuff Craig!

 

I am in much the same stage as you were in your last stage - still love him tremendously, but let go and am doing my own thing and dating and all of that. Letting him come to me now. He knows I care about him, but I am backing off right now - I guess a sort of limited contact. I am not ignoring him, but at moment nor am I contacting him anymore. My thinking is that he had a four month chance with me after we broke up, and I put a LOT of effort into it, and now it is time for me to take care of myself.

 

He knows where I am if he wants me, and sometimes makes small contacts, but I think too to be honest he is trying to heal as well. He sort of suspects I am dating too, which could be a good thing for him to know, though I don't rub it in. I still show him I care - when I see him occasionally I laugh with him, talk with him, but am at point where at same time I can still be aloof and go from it feeling good about how things went. In our conversations where he calls/contacts me I still inquire about his life, ask about his job etc...but at same time remain aloof to it all as well. Mixed messages can do wonders. I do little things sometimes to show I care, and he is important, but I don't contact him all the time, or talk about us, or give him much insight on my life at moment.

 

He emailed me the other day to say he was soo stressed out about life, that he was losing his focus, forgetting things...and I told him that I was sorry to hear that and gave him my best wishes and hoped things would improve for him, but while I would normally maybe call him and ask him how he was doing...I didn't. However, I did order him a couple weeks ago a Triumph The Insult Dog DVD as a "break up gift" which he got today which I am sure cheered him up, and he called me this morning to give me a huge Thank You. So, I am still supportive and there for him, but a lot more distant too, and moving on with my life. I have two dates this weekend even!

 

I never did the pleading/begging stage, but nonetheless, I also did not give him the space to fully comprehend what his actions mean. I was TOO supportive of him I guess in a sense - he still got the emotional fulfillment from me, etc but did not have any of the responsibility. He won't comprehend until he is truly alone - I am still a friend yes, but not giving him so much attention.

 

I still love him, and if he came back, and was willing to work at it and showed change, I would not turn him away and would look at counselling and giving it a second chance. But, I also know that no matter what I am going to be okay, and that it might not be him, but that I will be with someone who returns in full force the same sort of love and effort I put forth. I know that is in my destiny - I still of course have hope that it will be him, but I feel in the end I will have someone worthy of my love no matter who it is. In other words, I am at point where while I love him dearly, I am not going to settle for less than I deserve, and I deserve someone who gives me as much as I give them and who is willing to put effort into the relationship and not throw it away for ridiculous reasons as he did.

[shockeddismayed]

Wow,

 

Craig I am REALLY happy for you.

 

However my take on this is that it is FAR from being over (and you know this). Your girl still has some serious issues about her own SELF, and I think part of the reason she was reluctant to come back is because she can see that you are so together... she wants to be independent like you are.

 

In what I've read of her writings, she has said this in so many words (and my ex has said the same thing).

 

So I guess keep that in mind here. She is back because she KNOWS that she loves you and wants to be with you.. .I have little doubt (always good to be a bit skeptical until she proves it) of that. However I also know that her personal growth period is not over (that's fine), but I also know that her first instinct was to do this alone.

 

She's come back because you said you wouldn't tolerate it any longer, and because she couldn't risk losing you for good.

 

She's made that choice, but now you are going to have to move very carefully so that your certainty, your strength doesn't just reinforce her feelings of weakness.

 

That's going to be a tough line to tread, but if anyone can do it, you can.

 

Congrats, and best of luck. You've earned this 2nd chance!

[timberline]

I am really glad things worked out for you, Craigblitz. That's wonderful! I believe in "if it's meant to be, it will be". I wish you guys the best smoothing things over. As I've learned from my own situation, if both of you work hard and are truly committed to making things better, it can definitely be done. Remain honest and completely open w/ your feelings. Don't keep anything inside. It will only eat you up. Also, I agree with you 100% about not asking questions along the lines of "so who/what did you see/do while we were apart?" It's not necessary to know that and can only lead to insecurity and doubt. Best leave that in the past.

[Clarabelle]

What an amazing story. You seem to be taking it slowly and cautiously, which is wise. I am going through something very similar with my husband, who I booted in April - the same phases as you and your gf. Recently, after feeling like my husband is having his cake and eating it too, I initiated NC again, and I told him why it is better for us for now. I feel much more at peace again - roller coaster is the same term I was using to describe our relationship, and it is good to be off the roller coaster. I don't know if we'll reconcile, and after wanting to reconcile so badly for 4 months, even if he wanted it right now, I would also take it very, very cautiously. But I'm happy for you.

[JustPlainSad]

Craig..... did I mention I hate you?

[Smusher]

me too, mee too. I hate you too!! hahaI wish my girl really loved me like yers seems to. I wish you guys would read my posts about my break up etc.. man i feel like i know it is over but its so hard sometimes. she made things so clear that she felt nothing but only once she had another guy. I read what you and others have said about re-bounds. I just feel like I was the rebound i guess and that hurts. I was the one that resisted her! I was the one that couldnt seem to re assure her enuff. I was the one that broke up with her. plz you good people read my posts.

[fantasia2004]

Well Congrats to you and no I don't hate you. For me, Some part wishes to get back with my ex and the other part the sensible one- doesn't . And for good reason too. I had to really look at myself and change the way I do things and treat others AND BEHAVEd. I MUST LOVE MYSELF MORE. BE LESS ANGRY, AND ENJOY LIFE AS A SINGLE WOMAN. There are benefits to being single.

 

For me I overdid it with the begging and pleading. Now I am coming to grips with that and I have forgiven myself too.

 

Yes every person's situation is different but for me I lived and learned. I am learning to be content with what god gave and why he my ex- came into my life.

 

Most importantly it allowed me to focus on me and be grateful that I am cancer free and energetic. He may be happy or not but the breakup was for the best because I had no idea who I was and I lost my identity when I dated him. So for me as I WATCH a couple fight, bicker, and are cussing in front of their child and in front of other people on the train I say to myself did I do that ? Time to stop it and GROW UP!

 

CONGRATS AGAIN

[craigblitz]

You are 100% right fantasia... Nothing helps more then just realizing that this is about you. It is ok to be bit selfish. Look out for you and see where the cards fall.

 

I am not sure why it happeneds but it "seems" there is a lot of truth to the fact that they will only come back when you are completley over them or at least ok with the fact they are not coming back....

[Mun]

Grrrrr... why didn't anyone link me to this post? I just found it today Craig--after I saw your post on lost_angels thread.... hunted for it when I read you and ex are back together. I was thinking.. What????

 

I'm so happy for you!!!!I hope nothing but the best for you both. Glad I could be of help

[craigblitz]

I guess I should give an update. Muneca, I thought I sent you a PM regarding this, that explains no reply

 

Things have been great for the most part. The issues with the break have been resolved. She has gone out of her way to show that she was sorry for what she did. Explained the reasons why, has done EVERYTHING and more to show that she is truly committed and is sorry for what happened.

 

In a lot of ways it is like a brand new relationship as Muneca always says to treat it as. It is so good to hear her say man you really do not know what you have till it's gone. I think the communication is stronger and more frequent. It is still hard for both of us that I travel a lot with my job, but we know that no job/religion or anything else should stop 2 people in love be apart.

 

The little down side, and justplainsad there is no need to read this and roll your eyes . On my end I find myself a little nervous, like it happened once, how does she know she is ready now. It is like I am kind of waiting for her to do it again. I have lost some trust in her. I have communicated this to her. Again, she has done everything to reassure me. We have had a talk about marriage with her mom and dad with us, etc etc. Her actions are speaking loud, but just a part of me is still being cautious. In time I am sure this untrust feeling will go down.

 

Again, everyone even when the situation seems completley black you never know what will happened. The ONLY thing you can control is........YOU. Make it the best you, you can be and everything else will play itself out.

[shockeddismayed]

Hey Craig,

 

Glad to hear that things are still going well.

 

I know exactly what you mean about the trust..... it is a natural fear response, but it is also serving its purpose. It will help you keep perspective on things and allow you to continue to focus on your own internal happiness.

 

I'm sure that with time, the trust issues will dissipate. Make sure that you allow that to happen.... slowly.... there is no rush, so long as it does not get in the way of your ability to fulfill her emotional needs and your own.

 

All the best,

 

S&D

[ryan14]

hello craigblitz

 

congrats!!! i wish you all the best and i wish my ex would realize what your ex had realized.

 

thank you very much for the advices you gave me