Does attracting women get easier in your mid to late 20s?

[sonicfan287]

Im a 23 yr old guy and Im pretty much considered the "Dork" among my group of similar aged friends. I have lots of friends, guys and girls and generally, Im the one who "never gets a girlfriend". One female friend of mine actually has had crushes on or dated many of my guy friends except me and even told me Im the only friend of hers she never developed feelings for, which really hurt.

 

I did have a girlfriend and she broke up with me 3 times, the first couple times saying it was something she couldnt put her finger on but she just didnt feel the same way about me. The third time, she said this but it was also bc of this guy she was cheating on me with... so... yeah. The thing is, Im told Im not "exciting" enough. I will admit, I was severely depressed for a while and gave off a "I dont care" attitude a lot in hs so I could understand me not attracting women then, but as I got older and more "stable", I began to dress better and at least act more mature and Im always a nice, respectful guy, no matter what my mindset. I always put a woman first, want to treat her right, dont want to be a jerk, or cheat, or do anything that girls say they dont want and obviously I dont want that either... but Im always passed by when it comes to that.

 

Right now, Im not even ready to date so I guess its a moot point, Im still grieving my ex and idk when or if I'll want a relationship again but I wouldnt mind at least flirting. The thing is, I want to get rid of this "nice guy dork" perception of me. Ive been changing the way I dress, Ive been working out, so I at least appear strong (I am fairly emotional for a guy but Ive been working on it) and idk... I just feel like that wont be enough either but I dont want to change too much about myself or I wont be happy in a relationship either.

 

When I ask other females about this, they say they want "excitement", "unpredictability" and they want to feel like theres always a chance the guy could leave them, even if he doesnt. In other words, they dont want to be cheated on, but they want to feel like theres a chance, so it makes them work harder to keep the guys attention. They say Im too "Easy" and that my ex gf never thought she was going to lose me (which is probably true because I loved her dearly) and thats why she lost attraction. But if Im in love with someone, I cant pretend to not be in love with them so that they feel like they have to "attract me". Idk...

 

Im just wondering if this will get easiere when I get to be 25-26 or older. Im not even thinking marriage at the moment but I probably will in the next few years if I meet the right person. Im just hoping reliability, kindness and stability become more important to women as I get older. My ex claimed those things were important to her, which is why she got back together with me twice, but then... she dumped me for a guy whos 25, has no job, smokes and drinks like crazy (things she supposedly didnt like to do) but he looks like hes built and he's "manlier" than me. So Idk...

 

I just feel dejected at the moment, but I know Ill get back on my feet. Im just looking for the perspective of some late 20s or 30s women and if they have been attracted to or wouldnt mind being attracted to a "nice guy dork" at that point in their lives.

[nutbrownhare]

They say Im too "Easy" and that my ex gf never thought she was going to lose me (which is probably true because I loved her dearly) and thats why she lost attraction. But if Im in love with someone, I cant pretend to not be in love with them so that they feel like they have to "attract me". Idk...

 

Im just wondering if this will get easiere when I get to be 25-26 or older. Im not even thinking marriage at the moment but I probably will in the next few years if I meet the right person. Im just hoping reliability, kindness and stability become more important to women as I get older.

 

You may well find that as the women around you get more mature in attitude, this will be the case. Some women see this when they're much younger; I recall talking to a 17yr old saying that when she was about 14, she was very attracted to the bad boys, but now she preferred the nice guys - and cited a really great guy that we both knew. She got married in her early 20's and is still very happy 15+ years later. I reflected at the time that she was truly blessed to have seen this at such a young age.

 

Don't fret that someone left you for a douchebag; this is a reflection of who they are, not who you are, and someone with low self-esteem will not last long with someone who truly loves them. If you don't want to play games, and are genuinely interested in intimacy, then a relationship with someone who prefers drama isn't going to work. You'll certainly get back on your feet, and while you're doing it you can spend the time getting involved in interests you may have neglected and generally enriching your life so that a relationship is less of an issue in the first place.

 

(((HUGS)))

[blueidealist24]

I used to be attracted to guys who are bad for me and who I have to chase but after a particularly bad experience with one around Christmas I really want a guy who is stable in temperament and predictable in a relationship. It doesn't seem exciting anymore, at 25, when I have more adult responsibilities, to have to chase a guy, play games with him and wonder what he's up to all the time. So I guess my answer is that I think stability and other so-called "nice guy" traits, which it sounds like you have, become more attractive to women as we get older. It's fun to play games with the jerks for a little while but then you get it out of your system and just want something calm and.. nice.. that doesn't cause a lot of stress.

[Tom1990]

Girls are typically (but not invariably) attracted to excitement and unpredictability until they're in their 30's. It does get easier at that point, but by then they're not very exciting either. They're being all motherly and nesting and stuff. In their younger years, they will even sacrifice personal safety and emotional stability in order to be involved with a partner strong enough to exhibit those "bad boy" traits.

 

If you want to wait until then, go ahead and keep being predictable and accomodating.

[FlashEng1]

SonicFan... take what I say with an open mind, friend.

 

 

I did have a girlfriend and she broke up with me 3 times, the first couple times saying it was something she couldnt put her finger on but she just didnt feel the same way about me. The third time, she said this but it was also bc of this guy she was cheating on me with... so... yeah.

 

She couldn't put her finger on it means she lost the spark with you because you no longer offered "a future" to the relationship. Explained below.

 

The thing is, Im told Im not "exciting" enough. I will admit, I was severely depressed for a while and gave off a "I dont care" attitude a lot in hs so I could understand me not attracting women then, but as I got older and more "stable", I began to dress better and at least act more mature and Im always a nice, respectful guy, no matter what my mindset.

 

First.. DON'T ACT.. BE. THIS is the biggest, BIGGEST misconceptions of "change." as well as the proverbial nice guy vs a--. When you ACT, you're being fake... IF you're not mature, don't act it, learn how to be mature. IF you're not an exciting person, don't act it, learn how to drive your OWN excitement. What excites YOU other than dungeons and dragons, hopskotch and bleach... aka find something adrenaline-based AND physical. Start with jogging, explore sky diving, ride roller coasters, go kayaking. Something COMPLETELY opposite of what a "dork" would do.. THIS is learning about yourself.. Exploring what you're uncomfortable with, or something out of your element... THIS is finding yourself. Challenging yourself. Join a 5k and laugh with a team of friends who are just as bad as you as you all come in last place.... 5 hrs later!!! .... Find out what is OUT there... At 23, LIVVVVEEEEE!!! Concerts, clubs, museums, bars, plays, LARP (live action role playing) groups, lan parties conventions, cons/conventions, etc etc etc. are just as fun and exciting!! DO IT ALL!!!! Whose to tell you that because you're a "dork" you can't join your local football league and spend 6 weeks working hard with your team and learning all about the sport, ANND getting the crap knocked out of ya?? lol! But LIVVEEE!!! ;-)

 

I always put a woman first, want to treat her right, dont want to be a jerk, or cheat, or do anything that girls say they dont want and obviously I dont want that either... but Im always passed by when it comes to that.

 

Screeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaach!!! Never put someone else before you. YOU are #1. Any WOMAN, any MATURE woman, any SUCCESSFUL woman, any ADULT woman understands and agrees with that. Always take care of YOU first.. Because want to know a tip? If you really ARE a kind, sweet, caring guy, then taking care of yourself and making sure you're happy, DOES include making sure she's happy! But it also means if she does something to hurt harm or abuse you in any way on purpose... then you're out. That doesn't make you a jerk... Telling a woman you want to treat her out to dinner, and making her pay in the end makes you a jerk. Cleanse your misconception on what a jerk is or a nice guy, etc etc etc.. Drop labels and definition.. At 23 FIND out what it means. READ. Go read about becoming a better you, communication, what women want (truly), etc. I'd love to PM you books.. message me I'll list them all out for you. When you're done, BECAUSE you want to become a Wise Man.. Go to read about PUA, what they say to guys and what makes them "jerks" and what type of girls that works on, and WHY it works, and the psychology behind it..... If you're TRULY a nice guy, and TRULY want to LIVE LIFE, learn.... everything... absorb.... everything. Men, Women, Children, everyone around you will love that and you will continue to ATTRACT people (btw read the law of attraction even!).

 

Is all of this hard work?? Heck YES!!!!! lol!! It will be THE challenge of your LIFE.. You ARE pushing your limits, and you ARE going to the max! ... that's what it takes to be THAT guy. THE guy.. That's of course if you even want it. But honestly.. if you truly want to make your woman happy, please her, give her the world, make her your #1, and expect that in turn... Then all of this... Is ESSENTIAL. (I'm not referring to materialistic things/values either btw. Even "simple" women. All women are different of course!)

 

 

Also... Age.. is nothing but a number.

 

 

To be continued (I know I know.. I talk to much......)

[LonelyPast]

I agree with Tom1990 regarding the problem and FlashEng1 regarding the solution.

[MakestheBest]

It sounds like there is nothing wrong with you other than you need to learn your own value. Nutbrownhare hit it on the nose when he said (although you may have loved her) the guy she ended up chasing down says more about HER than it does about YOU. Going to the gym isnt' going to automatically turn you into a chick magnet. And being "exciting" comes in many different forms. Some girls see, intelligence as exciting, some women LOVE comic-con with a passion. Just be YOU and be confident in being you and find the girl who fits YOU its the surest way to finding happiness. I would give you the advice that you need to work on giving off the vibe that a girl needs to please YOU just as much as you need to please HER. When you meet a woman it is an evaluation process for BOTH of you. I think feeling and giving of the vibe that you are looking for a women who is good enough for you and who fits into your life and expectations will instantly make you 20 - 30% more attractive.

 

And YES it will get better with age, women't tastes will mature. Although i'm in my early to mid 30s and I still talk to women who say that they are attracted to bad boys .

[LonelyPast]

I would give you the advice that you need to work on giving off the vibe that a girl needs to please YOU just as much as you need to please HER.

 

This is good advice, but it's particularly hard to follow when somebody's been alone most of their life. If they've mostly been ignored in the past, then they're still going to feel like it's their job to earn love and affection, rather than to expect it. Working on yourself also gives you a productive outlet, whereas unmet expectations can often lead to bitterness.

 

And YES it will get better with age, women't tastes will mature. Although i'm in my early to mid 30s and I still talk to women who say that they are attracted to bad boys.

 

I think most women go through this phase, but it's been drawn out longer and longer as society changes. We live in an age of female empowerment and independence, which means more and more women are dedicating themselves to their careers, education, and surviving the current economy. This detracts heavily from the amount of time that modern young women get to spend on dating. I've lost track of the number of girls I see on dating websites who are going through masters and doctorate programs and simply don't have time to meet anybody in their day to day lives. By the time they're settled in and ready to seriously pursue romance, many many years have gone by. This has led to a dating climate where numerous (millions?) women in their late 20's and early 30's still have a teenage maturity level when it comes to relationships. Unfortunately, this means they still need to get the "bad boy" phase out of their systems.

 

I'd argue this applies to guys as well. Many of us have been totally shafted when it comes to dating in our 20's. By the time we're established enough to meet the criteria of the women we wish to date, they'll be ready to settle down and have kids. Unfortunately for them, we'll just be getting started spending time with women, experiencing relationships, and sleeping around. Just like that "bad boy" phase, we'll still be "spreading our seeds" well into our 30's before we're ready to grow up and be adults.

 

It's all about lost time.

[Ms Darcy]

I think people like to make the conversation about women and what they want when that is rarely it. If you are being your BEST self, you may not attract every girl out there but you will attract someone. As you have described yourself, all I get is depressed, boring, and hurting. I am sorry but you are not being who you can be. I think self-awareness and improvement are in order. You need to work on yourself. What is your life purpose? Are you working towards/making happen your career goals? Do you even have career goals? Have you tried new adventures? Traveled alone ... met new people ... broadened your perspective? Life has a lot to offer you and you need to learn from it. When you start to soak in those experience you will go from asking these low-self-esteem questions like "Will I attract more women as I get older?" to stronger ones like "what are the traits I want in a life partner?" Good luck in your transition.

[sonicfan287]

Hey all

 

Thanks again for your fantastic advice. Im actually surprised at how many responses I got and how long they are. Just to be clear, sorry if I sounded like I was labeling guys as jerks or not jerks. My problem isnt nessecarily that Im "nice" but more than likely the other aspects of my personality and Im not even making the accusation that women are attracted to jerks, but rather excitement itself, which could still involve good qualities.

 

I dont know my ex's new bf too well, and he could be a really nice guy. The ironic thing is, my ex used to be a dork... or kind of anyway. She didnt get along with a lot of people early in college because she was considered "Weird" and thats one of the reasons we hit it off. I had unusual hobbies, as did she, and she didn't get along with a lot of the popular kids or whatever, and she said she'd never "drink or smoke" or yadda yadda. I know that doesnt mean she never will, but Im just saying.

 

People change and she did too, really oddly. She changed into a sort of dark, heavy metal type, but shes also a vet tech, so she loves animals and has this sweet caring side thats more like who she always was, so I feel like the metal, and the love of motorcycles and things like that are the new things shes trying out. whether or not they stick, idk, and i almost dont care (i cant deny that i do actually care still).

 

Im not exactly the same person I was when i met her either but Im 23, in my last year of college and beginning to seriously plan a future. Ive been in college for a long time, so for the most part, my opportunity to do "Crazy party experimental" type stuff is done and for whatever reason, I honestly wasnt interested and still aren't. Im not saying I didnt have any fun in my early years of college because I certainly did, but Im starting to look forward and while you never know everything about yourself (you can always learn more), Im pretty settled with who I am. I know this seems like a contradiction because I do seem unhappy with myself and I am in some ways, but as far as trying new stuff and experiences? the time for that has nearly passed. I hope to get a career started by 2014 if not sooner. Whether or not I have someone to share it with, who knows?

 

"what are the traits i look for in a life partner?" is a very good question. one that i hope to have answered soon...

[happpybear]

I agree with this. Most men I know in mid-twenties and up are either in committed relationships with girls they met in high-school or college, or they are working on their careers while furthering their education and are not dating, just using casual sex etc for an outlet because they have no time to put into starting a relationship and maintaining one.

 

Personally, i didn't date or do anything casual at all from the ages of 24 to 27, I was too busy furthering my education, dealing with family issues and illness. My first real adult relationship began when I was 27. Not all women want a bad boy or go through that phase either, i certainly didn't.

[Stay_home]

I was the same exact way five years ago and it got me no where with women. It wasn't until changed my way of thinking and sought after answers instead of just asking questions when things begin to turn over for me. Follow Flash's advice, seek answers, read books, read everything but also challenge yourself outside of that box. Every now and then, do something different, go somewhere different. Be more versatile.

[Thorshammer]

I was the same way when i was your age. I had to learn fast- the rejection i felt and the loneliness was too much, i ended up cycling into the military confused with life. When i did land a date, it was with a girl who ate me up and spat me out.

 

What is alarming is where you said you put them first? You dont put anyone first, you dont put anyone above you. You have to put and always believe you are in an equal standing to everyone. Thats the first step to confidence. Its not easy, but people have to be trained to think this way, imo, any other thought to me is harmful. IMO; Only thing i believe a man should do more than a woman, is to initiate the chase more, with time, attention and focus should even out - and if it doesnt, its a dud and waste of time (it happens). Though I only date a woman who receive my attention and returns it immediately.

 

How i adapted was i got cold and careless after my patience wore thin. I remember this one gf who broke up with me cursing and yelling at me on the phone. Something cracked that day. After that, anyone said jump, i said, "you first" and I would watch them jump, then go buy a fruit juice. Surprisingly, the coldness didnt hamper my dating, it increased it, but i always slipped into a weak persona because inside i was still a nice "relationship" guy. With experience, i learned to adapt the careless attitude, and ditch the coldness with confidence and an easy going personality.

 

It was a hard lesson learned. I didnt hit my stride until like 24-25. Just dont add up all the negativity, that does nothing but build a mountain that people like to tag as bad luck and fate. Go get your scars, its those who hide and give up that sulk in the shadows with no way of creating improvement. Dont believe anyone is above you. Learn to feed their ego a bit, just enough that they welcome you in, but still keep in mind its all routine until she returns it, until its reciprocated, its nothing, you distance yourself and return to real life. She needs to make you care (women should do the same). Then, hit a balance of power and attention, and never ever lose yourself or your confidence (do this for you, and do this for attraction, behavior is a key trait for attraction).

 

This isnt cute, this is sort of sad, but this is the dating world in modern america imo.

[MakestheBest]

Honestly this might be just about the best most thought out advice I've ever seen on this site. To the OP: Go get 'em tiger!