10 Years... Down the drain... Or is there hope???

[Reloxx]

I'm new to this site and while I've read plenty of posts and threads, this is my first actual post.

 

This will be long, given the length of this relationship and given the complexity in it. I would also like to give as much detail as possible so that I can share my experience as accurate as possible and also so I can get effective feedback. I thank you all for your time and consideration before hand.

 

*Here's the story*

 

I am Eddie. I am 28 years old. My significant other is/was 26 years old. We met while working at a movie theater when I was 19 and she had just turned 17. Up until then I had only been in one serious relationship, as serious as a 15 year old can be in a relationship. She had been in a relationship since she was 15 years old and that lasted a year. At which point she became single and a few months later we met. This is crucial here. She had been single only a few months before me.

 

The sparks flew, everyone could see them. We talked on the phone for about a month and everything was magical, as usual. After a month and a half, maybe two, she finally kissed me. I was working up the courage to do it myself but I was scared it might change things a little. After that kiss we became an official couple. Everything was great. After about a few months she got into a huge fight with her two best friends. They never spoke again.

 

Time passed and we grew as a couple. Everything was good except that she was a jealous girlfriend. But I being mr. loyal never thought that it would be an issue because never did I ever think I would cheat on her or hurt her. It's just not in me. it's not who I am. And don't get me confused, I know I am not perfect. I flirt. But I flirt in a friendly manner and not in the "hey baby, nice rack" or anything that I would find disrespectful if she ever did to me. Sure, girls would come up to me when I went out with my boys and we would talk and laugh but I never gave them my number and I never even danced with any of them. I've been respectful to her since we met.

 

So the issue is that I became her only social life. Whenever she would plan to go out it would be with me. Rarely did she ever do things on her own with her own friends (because she really didn't have BFFs). Whatever, we shared friends. Things were so good that it was just like a married couple. You know, we would all go out to concerts, movies, dinner, parties, etc. We all knew each other and we (our friends) would all be one happy circle of friends.

However, boys will be boys and we would sometimes go out to football games, just the guys, and do normal guy things like play softball and etc etc. When I would do this, she would stay home (living with her mom) and I would do my thing and then go home (to my mom's). We would talk daily on the phone, I would go over to her house and sleep over, etc etc.

 

It was like this for the first 5 years of the relationship. Of course, we would have little fights here and there like normal people do but we would overcome them and be done with it. No biggie. However, this is where things start to turn sour...

Jay and Arel are married and they are our friends. I've known them both since I met my girl. Well, Arel happens to have a lot in common with me. We like similar music, similar movies, and the similar celeb gossip. So we would text to one another about upcoming movies and new music albums and whatever. Nothing big. However, my girl didn't really like me texting her so frequently (she makes it seem like we spend our days texting when we actually do not). So we would always argue about this topic.

 

My issue with this topic is that why can't I have a female friend when she herself has guy friends. She carpools to college with high school friends (guys I don't really know), she goes to sport events with some of them, she keeps in touch with an old crush of hers from HS and I really never tell her anything. I trust her and I am confident that she loves me so much and we have a bond so strong that Brad Pitt himself could come and try to sweep her off her feet and he would be unable to do so. I honestly feel like this love is THAT strong. She always tells me "I only have eyes for you" and I believe her. And I don't think she had any reason to ever lie. I do trust her.

But since I know her so well, I do not make new female friends. The only female friend I have is this one girl, Arel, who is MARRIED to my BEST FRIEND. I don't see the problem. My friend doesn't see a problem and no one but her sees her as a threat.

 

Well, we argued about this topic for years and we really never came to a clear understanding and a clear solution. My girl and Arel became BFFs as time passed, but my girl never told her anything and she never really put her foot down and gave me an ultimatum. She shouldn't have to though. I F'ed up and I should have realized this bothered her down to her core and I should have ended the friendship.

I really had a difficult time trying to see my girl's point of view since I was just doing the same thing she was doing and I was doing it only via text and kept it always at a minimum and always on music, movies, and celeb gossip.

 

Whatever, time passes and still no clear solution to the problem.

 

So, at year 6 of the relationship, it is evident me and this girl are legit. She rocks my world and I rock her world. She wants to move out and get married, and I agree but I told her not yet. I wanted to do it properly. I wanted to give her a NICE apartment and a NICE wedding. With my job I wasn't going to be able to do that. Also, I was 24 years old and I felt my life wasn't where I wanted it to be. So I made the decision to enroll into community college while still maintaining my full-time job. Naturally, this left little time for a social life and a relationship. Something had to give on my end. So I chose to pour all my time to my relationship, school, and work. I barely socialized with friends. It was like this for 2 years until I graduated.

 

At the same time while I was going back to school, my girl's family had a divorce. The father left and he told everyone in the house to figure stuff out on their own. So the mom left the country. The younger sister moved with her bf of 2 years, and that left my girl out and about. I told her to come move in with me and my parents. She reluctantly did so... and I must admit I was upset that her father did that. He basically forced me into moving in with her, which is something I wanted to do on MY own terms.

 

So she moves in. After a few months, she asks me to move out with her and that it is time for us to move out on our own. I agreed but I didn't think it was the best thing to do. Living at my parent's house we were both saving a lot of money and I needed my savings to finish my undergrad. So... she moved out. I begged her not to because it honestly was awesome living with her. And in hindsight, I should have done it sooner. But whatever, she moved out. We still remained a couple, no biggie.

 

During the few months that she lived with her roommate, she started to go out a lot more. She started to go out with new girlfriends and I didn't like it too much. I told her that I was concerned because her roommate always had a new guy in the apartment. I mean this girl was action. Think of Samantha from Sex in the City but in her 20s, just like my girl. So, naturally I got a little defensive and protective because I didn't want my girl to become corrupted in that since. But whatever, my girl told me she felt uncomfortable with her roommate as well because of all the guys she kept bringing home. BUT, at one point she did ask me for space and that she wanted to figure things out and etc etc. I worked my magic and convinced her why we should be together and did everything in my power to keep us together. It worked. But this was now the 2nd time in 6 years she had told me she wanted space and I worked my magic.

 

Eventually they got into a fight and my girl moved in with her mom who had just arrived back to the U.S. after a hiatus.

 

Okay, so a year passes by. Year 7. She's starting to grow fonder of these two girls at work. They become BFFs. These girls however, are mature, married, and happy loving people. Good right? Well, we'll see.

because of the time constraints of work and college, my girl and I spend most of our free time together. Her new BFFs hang out with her but there is some limitation on both parties because they do have kids and then there's me and my lack of free time. But they make do. We hung out with them on occasion but not a constant thing.

 

Year 8. I graduate. So I tell her that there are two options for me after graduating from community college. 1) Go to the local public university or 2) Go to the big university 300 miles away. I give her the pros and cons of both and I "influence" her to see my point that going to the bigger school would open up more doors for us and it can lead to more $$$ for us. Which, of course it is my ONLY goal in life at this point. I want this woman bad and I want to make her happy and make her feel secure. So, naturally, since I she respects my opinion so much, she bought into the whole long distance relationship. She felt that our relationship was super strong for a 2 year long distance relationship. She felt certain that she only wanted to be with me, and the only downfall she saw was that we would miss each other a lot.

 

We visited the school, and she picked out a nice apartment for me, she helped me move in, she bought into all the school spirit, and she seemed like she was 100% on board on all of this. I had saved money for all of this but by this time she was making $45k a year and she told me she would help me in any way possible. I tried not to get her help too much because I always told her that the majority of divorces happen due to money (or so i read) and I never wanted money to come between us. But she was always so loving and caring and she has been of the believe that "what's yours is mine and what's mine is yours" mentality. On top of that, she said "I know this is for OUR future so it's not like it is being wasted." I want to emphasize on how much she was on board with this plan.

 

So we make the move. She stayed back home and I went off to college to finish my undergrad. We talked religiously, we skyped, we emailed, and we texted. Everything was great for my junior year. She visited often and I went down as often as I could during the semester. During the summer break in '10, we took our yearly vacation. (D.C. 2009, New York 2010, Chicago 2011)

 

However, there was one problem... I still remained friends with Arel and we would text every once in a while. So when I used to go back home, unbeknownst to me, my girl would go through my phone and text messages. I'm sure she read all of Arel's texts and I am glad she did so that she can see that there was no funny business. Just like I always told her... movies, music, and celeb gossip. (My girl later confessed that she did this, I never knew.)

Also, we had a big fight during xmas vacation during my junior year.

 

Let me explain. Back in 2002 there was a co-worker of ours that liked me and I had grown to like her as well. I found myself in the difficult position because I had to choose and I chose my current girl. But I felt that I had heartbroken this other girl. We did not remain friends. But SOMEHOW, SOMEWAY, I don't know really why, except that I felt my life was going into a wonderful place since I was about to graduate in a year and I was going to marry this awesome girl, so I decided to reach out to that her on Facebook and tell her how sorry I was if I ever hurt her feelings and that it is a damn shame we couldn't remain friends. And I told her that I DID have feelings for her way back. I told her she was an awesome friend and I wished her the best. Nothing wrong here in my eyes. I just felt like I didn't want any bad karma. (quite the opposite happened LOL)

 

Well, during that xmas break, my girl was going through my phone and texts and eventually my facebook. I can still hear the screams of pain coming from her that night. i was asleep and she stayed up to do her 007 work on me and she read the facebook message and she awoke me. I felt like a horrible person for causing her so much pain. I instantly regretted it and I tried to comfort her. I felt bad. Well, after a day passed, I started to come around. I actually went from being sorry and sad to being mad and angry and upset. My girl violated my trust. She violated my privacy (although I don't really hide anything from her). I have never suspected her of anything nor accused her of anything (although I have reason, which I will mention at the end). I had never given her any reason to doubt me. I respected her. I never had any drama with females, and quite frankly... I had never even slept with another woman besides her. She took my virginity at 19. Yes, I am friendly and an extrovert (ESFJ) and I make conversation easily with people and I can flirt in innocent ways, but I have never done anything to warrant this amount of distrust.

 

So, I told her what was on my mind. I gave her a piece of it. (Never screaming, name calling, disrespecting) I told her it wasn't cool for her to be going through my stuff like if I was an animal. it hurt me to see her distrust me like that. In fact, I lost a little respect for her (but let's be honest, I'm head over heels for this woman... she can do no wrong) and I told her what my intentions were. She then confessed, later on, that after two years of her and I dating, she went to her ex-bf's house and spoke with him and apologized in the manner she broke up with him. Apparently the guy begged, pleaded, spoke to her whole family to try and convince her, he even bought a ring and proposed to her, and she just killed him from her life. She just shut him out completely. I mean, it was a rough breakup, to the point where she used to have nightmares and that all. he once came to our job years ago, without my knowing and I saw her turn pale and start shaking. I held her and asked her what was wrong and she just cried in my arms. (BTW, I'm 6'7 220lbs) She has always told me she loves my height and she feels so protected with me.

 

Well, if she did all that without me knowing way back then, then why can't she see the reason I did the whole karma thing? Why is she so scared that I am going to leave her for another woman? Whatever... I'll leave the questions for the end.

 

That issue got settled. She told me she would stop checking my stuff and I told her I would tell Arel to keep the texts to a minimum. Problem solved... sort of.

 

I went back to school. Everything was fantastic, as usual. Sometimes I would get really busy and would not be able to hear/feel my phone at the library and she would call me and call me and call me and it wasn't until i left the library that I would see the missed calls and call her back. i would explain that I was at the library but that I would try and check my phone more often.

 

Well, this one time she called me 20 times (she told me it was to prove a point) and we got into a nasty fight over it but we got over it. Aside from that I can barely remember any fights through the phone while I was away.

 

So, this one month before summer of '11 came, I remember Arel texting me about how she was getting a divorce but that no one knew. She had confided in me and her sister first (why me? I wondered) and I ended up telling my girl. My girl had a cow. She said that things like that are told to girlfriends and not to a man in a relationship. She says that there is something behind the reason she told me that. (I've spoken to several women, experienced women, and they all agree with her. So I really can't argue here. I think it was wrong for her to have told me that without going to her BFFs first. I messed up here in numerous ways. I should've stopped it, and I shouldn't have said anything to my girl because I broke the confidentiality of Arel... but I don't keep anything from my woman.)

 

So that was a big issue. Then on top of that Arel was texting me more frequently about movies and music. Remember, I'm still in college at this point. Finishing my junior year right before coming home for summer break.

My GF starts to PRINT OUT my call and message logs from AT&T. Then she proceeds to highlight all the texts to Arel (there were no calls ever made). She then starts calling me and trying to be slick about she would question me about how recently I've contacted Arel. I already knew something was up, so I told her "I don't recall specific but not too recently ago". WHY DID I DO THIS??? In hindsight, I know I shouldn't have done this because now she knew I was lying and this would only fuel any ideas of infidelity she might of had.

 

Well, she kept asking me and I kept on avoiding the issue. Then once I went down there for the summer, she went through my iphone BUT this time I had erased all my messages. BIG MISTAKE (in hindsight) because this only fueled the insecurities more. but my reasoning at the time was that I was on vacation, if she saw any texts from her we would get into a huge fight and was it really worth it to get into a fight on vacation? i didn't think so. So I chose to sidestep the issue by erasing and denying.

 

During this vacation, I came up with a BRILLIANT idea. I was going to prove to my GF once and for all that Arel did not have anything for me and that she was a good friend to her and would never betray her like that. (Prepare to have your jaws dropped by my stupidity) So I send Arel a text "I had a dream about you" and she replied wanting to know more. I told her it was rated X and that's it. This woman, took this text and she let loose. She went to describe her sexual fantasy with me with graphic detail. After so much info and so much disclosing on her part, I felt that the only thing I could reply to her to not make her feel like the crazy person that she is... I replied "The things I would do to you" and "Please erase this text, my gf is psycho" that's it nothing more. The psycho part was me trying to scare Arel into erasing it and not because I think my gf is actually psycho. THIS IS IMPORTANT for later on. My plan was ruined. My mind was racing 1000mph and I didn't know what I had just done. I ruined my friendship with that girl, with her husband my bff, etc etc. I felt guilty. I had to go tell my GF... BUT I DIDN'T. I knew it was going to ruin our summer vacation and we were about to go to Chicago. I decided to wait until we got back. This bimbo Arel kept on texting me though but I ignored her. Once we got back I did not tell my GF. I thought I would be able to contain it and whatever. I decided to have a talk with my GF soon.

 

One day after more acts of 007 by her, I snapped. I sat her down and I told her clearly and firmly. Summarizing: I want her as my wife. I don't see anyone else with the eyes I see her. I want her to be in life until death do us apart. I give her my all and I expect more respect and trust from her. I told her I would end all communications with Arel but that this does not mean I have to avoid one half of the Earth's population. I told her I will be working with females in the future and we will have to go to working lunches, and sometimes they will call my cell phone and they might text me and I might even have a female secretary, and when I do have contact with the opposite sex she cannot expect me to "end all communications" with them like I am doing with Arel. It is just not right. Not fair. And not rational. I told her that I am aware that all the males in her family and friends, have all been cheaters, I know she comes from a broken home and that she saw a lot of the infidelity issues as a child. I told her that I understand her but that this is no way to live and that she needs to either start doing some reading or seek professional help IF she can't control it herself.

She cried with me and she said I was right and that she was going to see a shrink. Okay... problem solved.

 

Well, I went back to college to finish my senior year. One day I wake up at 3am with a pain in my chest. I'm not making this up. The first thing I think about it my GF, so I call her and nothing. Well, I fall asleep and 43 minutes later I get a call from her. She is hysterical. She's crying, she's mad, she's a mess. Apparently, the girls had a girls' night out at Arel's place. Arel had gotten pissed drunk and passed out and my GF decided to grab her phone and go lock herself in the bathroom and read her texts since I had erased mine. (see the issue wand why i shouldn't have erased my stuff?) She just HAD to see what it is that I had erased.

 

Well, needless to say... she saw the explicit texts. I felt like * * * * . I felt, once again, like the biggest douche in the world because she does not deserve this type of pain. She's too good to be treated to this. This is one of her deep fears... infidelity and here I am playing a role that I never intended to play. I betrayed her. It wasn't my intentions but I did. I did it with good and dumb intentions but it back fired.

 

I tried to explain and needless to say it has been difficult. It has now been 8 months since this happened.

 

The first month I was very apologetic and I went down there to be with her and she didn't wanna see me. We spoke but she was angry the entire month.

Second month, she tried to forget about everything and just pick up where we left off. Like it never happened.

3rd month, she relapsed. She didn't know if she wanted to be with me anymore because she was just uncertain of what truly took place. I begged her to believe me. The relationship was up and down.

 

During the first 5 months, every time she was PMS'ing (she gets very irritable, sensitive, and emotional) she would be REALLY angry. I was very apologetic and tried to explain to her how much I loved her and why i did it.

When she was off her menstrual cycle, she would be her normal self, and if not even more loving than usual, but she would still have her bad days.

 

I stuck by and never let her go. She asked me for space, again, and I begged and pleaded and worked my magic on her and because of the distance she held firmly. So i left school and went down there for a week, mid-semester, and surprised her. Day one was rough. Then Day two she asked me to spend the night again. And little by little she opened up to me. there were sparks flying again and I can see her happiness glowing through her. I left back to school after a week.

 

Then for Thanksgiving, she got PMSing again and distanced herself once again. My fear of losing her took over me and I went down there again. I did my magic and we rekindled. I did fail two courses because of this travelling. But she is worth it. I would drop out of school if that was the only way to save the relationship. I swear I would have.

 

Okay so I went back up to school for finals in December. When I got back down to for Xmas break, everything was awesome between us. I was a little depressed because of the whole emotional toll and because I had ran out of money and I hated to be depending on her for food, rent, and tuition. Then on top of that when I came back home, we would go out and she would be paying for everything and I just felt horrible.

 

I lost my mojo. I lost confidence in myself. I lost a lot of weight, I guess because I was punishing myself for hurting her or something but I just could not eat while being away from her. But when I was with her I ate like my usual self and eventually when this last semester started I had gained back my weight. Everything was good. We set up a wedding date (well, she picked it and I thought it would be perfect. March 1st 2014). We agreed that she would start looking for our very own apartment in February so we could find something nice and not be pressed for time since I graduated in May. She bought couches, decors, etc etc. Everything was peachy.

 

She had a relapse early February. She told me she didn't know what she wanted anymore. I sent her a nice bouquet of flowers and a beautiful card for valentine's day and she sent me this awesome recording she took on her iphone. She dedicated the song Flaws & All by Beyonce and she said that she meant every word. She also said that I've always had her back and that I had been there for her whenever she has needed me throughout the years and that no matter what she will always have my back. She confessed that this had been the toughest year for us but that she was "trying". Then she said she loved me very very much.

 

Honestly, this healed me and saved my school because I was about to go back home and work my magic again. but she came around on her own... well, I guess I did send her nice emails and texts and all that. But I didn't have to be physically present to do it this time.

 

So.. Spring break came in mid March. I went home. Perfect. Everything beautiful. I came back up to school and at end of March, I get a text from her... "I'M F'ING DONE EDDIE. I'M DONE!!! F YOU AND ALL THE EMBARRASSMENT YOU'VE MADE ME GO THROUGH. I AM DONE. And just FYI, I was weak tonight. I went out and ran into Arel at a bar and it got ugly."

 

So.. I get a call from all my friends telling me that my GF had gotten into some stuff with Arel and asking me what was going on. (I had managed to keep this whole issue between my GF, Arel, her husband, and me) But she undid everything I worked hard to attain. I wanted to spare her the embarrassment. I wanted to keep this under wraps but she undid it by getting drunk and listening to her friends (REMEMBER HER FRIENDS??? The older, mature, married happy and loving BFFs from work I mentioned earlier? Yes, them.)

 

My GF called me the next morning and she seemed some what remorseful. She knew she had messed up but at the same time she got that off her chest. She slapped the girl and told her a few things. But she told me that she did not know where all that anger came from and that she's not over the whole issue yet, despite the 7 months that have gone by. She says this has reopened the wound. And she says that after the scene at the bar, she told her BFFs in a rage "I HATE HIM. I HATE HIM" and she says that she doesn't know where that comes from. So she says she doesn't know what she wants anymore and she needs space.

 

This being my last semester and this being the 4th or 5th time she relapses, I didn't go to her. Instead I gave her some time. Then after a week I initiated contact with her and things seemed to be okay. But then she got her period and she again told me she didn't know what she wanted and wasn't sure if she still wanted to be with me anymore. She said she doesn't know who she is. She doesn't know what she wants.

 

I wrote her a long email telling her that this was enough. She needed to make a decision. Either she would try to fix this relationship with me, counseling, reading, whatever, or that she just needed to go and take her time figuring things out. If she needed to date other people then so be it. I would be here as long as I could but that I wasn't going to wait for her. All I could promise is that I would not contact her. I told her I loved her and that I knew I was wrong on many levels but that I remain pure with her and that I don't foresee myself in a relationship any time soon BUT you never know. I told her she needed to follow her heart and to figure out what she wanted to do.

 

So after a few days she came around. She called me and told me that she wants to know herself. But that she loves me a lot. She told me that whenever she thinks of the future, as a husband she sees me. When she thinks of kids, she only imagines me as their father. She wants to be with me. She's conflicted though. She knows she wants to be with me but she's hurt. She recognizes that she has a lot of anger withheld towards the whole issue. She told me she does trust me because if she didn't she wouldn't have let me go away for college and she would've been up here more often than not and she would have came unannounced a few times. She trusts me, but she just knew deep inside that Arel had a thing for me and that she was jealous because we had so much in common. She says we had chemistry and she didn't like it. (I wish she would have told me all of this before). She loves me dearly. She says I've been good to her and she knows the love is pure. She says she was talking to her friends over some wine and they were discussing kids, and she just assumes that her kids will be mine. She says she just works it into the conversation naturally. it's like it's embedded in her head that I am her man forever. But she has the issue that she doesn't know herself. She loves the fact that I am so patient with her and that I simply "get her". That I love her for her strengths but equally so for her weaknesses.

 

So, I told her to just take more time (because she made me so confident that she wasn't going anywhere). Then she says she didn't want to take more time. She says she didn't know if it was the distance that was making her feel this way. Because every time I go down there she seems to light up and get over it. She feels "right" when I am down there. But I told her it was necessary to take more time because I can't live knowing that she has these questions in her head. When ever things are going great then everything is peachy but if she relapses? Am I going to be kicked out of the house? Are we going to go through this cycle again? This is too taxing on both of us. This cannot continue. So she reluctantly took more time.

 

But then I started to be weak. I missed her. I was afraid of losing her. So I reached out to her and she was distant. She even ignored my calls a few times. She was cold and distant. This scared me even more. I tried to talk to her and tell her that we belong together and that we have made each other happy over the years. That there have been way more positives in this relationship than there have been negatives. But I fear she didn't "want to take more time" because she knew that if she did she was going to let go. And I'm afraid she did.

 

Now, this is where we stand. She came up for my graduation last weekend (May 5th) and I could see it in her eyes that things weren't right. We all celebrated and I graduated. We took some nice pictures and all. I bought her a nice appreciation card and a little gift. I wrote her a letter showing my appreciation for her sacrifice in letting me go to college and that I know it was hard since we were so attached. I told her it was difficult for the both of us but WE DID IT!

 

So, after all the celebration we spent some alone time. She told me that she didn't want to do this by phone and that's why she had been avoiding my calls. She told me that she wanted to do this for herself. She wanted to be alone. She wanted to move out on her own, she wants to know herself. She wants to know herself. She wants to grow. Then she told me that she's hurt over the whole issue because she had been telling me to stop texting Arel for years and that I never paid attention to her enough to actually stop. She says I put Arel's feelings on top of her feelings and she said that she knew this would happen. (She knew I would try to prove to her that Arel had nothing for me and that it would backfire? No... in her head, we cheated. That's what I think she meant).

She said that she recognized that something was not right with her because she has all these questions about what it would be like to be single, since she has never been single as an adult. She doesn't want to have any of those questions if she's going to move forward with a relationship be it with me or someone else.

 

I told her that I understood and I will respect her decision. I told her how much she means to me and that I will always love her and that in the end, I hope we could remain friends at the least. I told her that I honestly believe that she'll realize sooner or later that I am the right guy for her and that I would never hurt her intentionally and that she'll figure out one day that I was always faithful to her. I told her that this love is too much and too pure for us not to be together. I told her to take her time and work on herself for the sake of herself and nothing else.

 

She then said that she's always given a lot of herself to me and that whenever she made decisions she thought of us and never of herself alone and that she now wants to take care of herself. She says that during these college years of mine she's been taking care of me, financially and emotionally, and that she was tired. She feels like she doesn't want to take care of anybody anymore and she wants somebody to take care of her now. (But now that I'm in the position to start doing that, since I've graduated and all, she's going to let me go lol? That's not fair. She never allowed me to show her the fruit of her labor. I feel like she is leaving me at my lowest point. This has been a long difficult road and I have relied on her a lot, something I never used to do. I can't help but feel like I abused her love and kindness or something. I just want her to know that I did all of this for us. For her. So that I can give her everything she wanted).

 

So, after that talk... she drops this bomb on me. "Eddie, I just want to find out if this is true love or just comfort."

 

So, I have asked myself, why did she wait until the very end to do this? I can only imagine that since she's found a social life, one that she didn't have before I left for college, that she thinks that when I get back home she will have to revert to the old ways where we spent all our free time together. I think she doesn't know if she can balance a social life and a relation. However, I know we can. This is what I have been wanting for years. I've been wanting her to find friends who she can go out with and have fun on her own, without me. So that I can go with the boys and not be concerned about leaving my boo at home alone. I like this new person she has become. She's her self but happier and with an actual social life. She's found some independence, some individuality. Too bad she doesn't think I do, because she told me that she's afraid I might not like the new her.

 

Is she afraid that she will have to choose between a relationship with me and her new social life? And if she does think that, did she already choose the social life instead of me?

 

Now, as for her friends... well, here's the thing. They are both married and with kids. One has 4 kids and is 42 and the other is 32 with 2 kids. My girl is now 26. They are all awesome and they certainly don't act their age. They are all happy girls and know how to have adult fun. They do the usual stuff that all adults do. But about a year ago, one of them started having trouble with her man. And just 2 months ago they separated. then the other one started having problems 9 months ago and they are just now separating. And then of course, me and my girl are now breaking up. I can't help but to think that there is some influence here. maybe not intentional but you know the saying "you're a product of your surroundings." Before any of us were in bad terms in our relationships, my girl wanted to move out and get married. She used to sometimes say "Look at Jay and Kat. They're out on their own. We can do it too." But now when things are going bad for everyone, she doesn't want to be with me anymore. Does any one else find this odd and too much to be a coincidence?

 

So these girls are now going out a lot and drinking a lot more than they used to before. This is the new life they have found. Lots of fun nights and fun stuff. Without the men. So, I'm at a loss here. I don't know what to think.

 

What's gonna happen when and if these two girls start patching up their relationships or getting new ones? They're not going to be as available as they are now for my girl. Then what? Is she going to realize that she should be with me? Is she going to start dating and try to get company there?

 

Also, she still has her Facebook as "in a relationship with Eddie". If this is a definitive breakup then why not change that?

 

Also, on her way back home she told her mom that she loves me very much. But that she was very hurt and also that she's afraid I may do this to her again if she forgives me too easily. * * * ??? Am I being taught a lesson here? Not cool. NOT COOL!!!!

 

Her mom then asked her (her mom sees me as a son.. after 10 years I understand) that if she is planning to move out, then would it be too much she would rent out her room to me since I am going to need a place anyways and she's comfortable where she's at, and since we have all lived together for a year. My girl said "No. He needs to do his own thing." So then her mom told her "aahhh, you just wanna make sure that if you guys wanna hook up at night time then no one knows huh?" and my girl started laughing.

 

Why would she laugh at this? Is she planning to try and hook up with me? Why would she be against me moving in to her old house? Is it because she wants to see if I can be my own man and be independent and be able to stand on my own two feet? Is it because she wants to maybe move in with me later on? Is this a test?

 

Then we go back to the big question, what does she mean by "I wanna know if this is love or comfort". What exactly does this mean? Does she want to let me go and see what it feels like and see if she can miss me so much and then come back running to me? or is it that she's testing me to see if I will go to her and apologize and move mountains if need be so she takes me back? Am I supposed to be chasing her here with flowers and all that like in the movies? Serenading her and all?

 

I also understand that whenever she has asked me for space I have been incapable of giving it to her do to fear of losing her. Is she breaking up with me so that I am FORCED to give her the space she wanted all along?

 

She also said she's afraid that I will resent her and hate her for making this choice. She's afraid my mom and dad will hate her and resent her.

Why does she care about that if this is a clean break? She's never going to have to see my parents again, * * * does she care for?

And if she said that she's 100% certain she wants to be alone then * * * does she care if I hate her or resent her?

 

It's been 5 days since the break up and her mom told me that she's already looking for a place to move. Why is she doing this so fast? she's going from 0-60. Is she doing this as fast as possible because she wants to answer her questions asap because she's risking losing me?

 

her sister told me that the week prior to the break up, when she was ignoring me, she says that my girl was having stomach problems, diarrhea, cramps, etc etc. She says it was because the thought of her decision was making her nervous and sick to her stomach because it was such a HUGE decision and such a HUGE risk.

Is she uncertain of her decision? Is that why she's so scared?

 

Another question, how can this woman tell me, just two weeks ago, how I'm the one she envisions herself with, married and as father to her kids. That she knows I'm the one, but then two weeks later be breaking up with me? Dude, that makes no logical sense to me. I'm at a loss for words here. This whole situation is ineffable to me.

 

Oh and guess what. After 3 days of no contact, she emails me to "update me and because I know you care..." on her new summer math class and that all she could think of while in class was my voice telling her "do the homework baby, just do the homework and you'll pass the class". But then at the end of the email she says "P.S. Please you really don’t have to reply to this. Take it as just an informative email because I know you care about this aspect of my life."

 

I'm trying to comprehend here but I am not doing a well enough job. I did reply to her on the next day with a short response. I kept it in her same tone, and I basically let her know that my grades were in and I did well, and for her to do the homework.

 

So then the following she wrote back and said she was happy for me and not surprised because she knows I'm a smarty pants (something she likes to call me as a pet name). So I replied and kept it short and on topic of school.

 

 

Look, I want her back. I do. Part of me wants her to come running back and saying that she just can't see herself without me and etc etc. But part of me wants her to take her time and really really make a decision here because I am ready for full commitment. I am ready for marriage and i don't want my wife running out on me in 4-8 years when we have kids all because she "didn't know what she wanted" or because she wanted to experience being single. I got with her just as young as she did. I too was in a relationship at a young age. You don't see me questioning my relationship. Even when things go bad and even when she's the one to blame for stupid things, I am stable enough to know that I want to be with her because I recognize that I love her and she loves me.

 

I want her to make up her own mind without my influence. She has wanted space before and I always worked my magic and influenced her to staying with me. Then everything will be great and she'd be happy but now it's back to this uncertainty.

 

Women... Could you explain to me what it is that she's looking for? it's not like I am ugly. In fact, I am good looking. She used to say that she couldn't believe I liked her because most of the girls at our old job wanted to date me and out them all I chose her. I remember her once even saying that maybe I was too good for her. * * * ?? But that was in 2004.

 

So I think she is really not looking for another guy but instead she is looking for herself, within. But will this search entail dating other guys? Sleeping with other guys? Oh sweet Jesus... this is going to kill me.

I don't know if I should do the No Contact thing. I don't want her decision to come from any manipulation or influences from me. The No Contact thing is sort of a manipulation because I will instill fear in her that I may be moving on or whatever No Contact is designed to do.

I deserve to at least know that she came back to me on her own free will.

 

But I also do not want to be used. Right now she knows that I will be here waiting for her. I don't want her to think that it is okay for her to try and find greener pastures while still having that safety net (me) in case she doesn't find it. I don't want her to think that she can go sleep around and go crazy and still be able to come back to me. I have never done that to her and I don't see a reason why she should do it to me.

 

I want to give her the benefit of the doubt and honestly say that she is doing this for herself and trying to find out who she is as an individual. But given the complexity of everything that has happened, the Arel mess, the long distance relationship, the friends all going through separations, the sacrifice she had to make to help me through college, all of these variables, I don't know what to think. What do I do? Do I go NC? Do I change my facebook status to "single"? Or do I just keep doing what I am doing and just let her initiate the contact and reply only when appropriate and needed?

Do I play the "I'm just here moving on, living life, whatever happens, happens" card? I need advice guys. Please. I am tormented by this and she's my everything. I've built this entire dream of graduating from college in order to give US a better life. I never saw myself without her. She wanted to get married so bad and move out, she was so committed. Now what? Does she just need time? is that all there it to it?

 

Thank You all for your time and care. I am sorry I made this so long. So Sorry. I am in pain. Writing this relieves the pain. Reading your input will help ease the pain as well. Thank you.

[Cheetarah]

While I understand your need for detail and release, do try to summarize your post as most members will bypass such an incredibly lengthy story, and you're far more likely to get more responses that way.

 

Her dad didn't force her to move in with you. It was not taken aim 'at you'. While he did throw everyone for a loop, she was in her 20s, not a minor, and it comes with the territory of no longer being under someone's thumb..Stuff happens.

 

Your story with Arel and the X-rated dream for proof there's nothing going on between you two? Most far fetched thing I've heard in a LONG time. And the "I don't want to make her feel bad" followed by some sexy talking.. Having a really tough time buying this(of course, you have nothing to prove to me). I think you have your gall calling her a bimbo when you instigated the entire thing. Followed by erase this, my girlfriend is psycho? I'm still trying to figure out your dumb and good intentions(so you call them). What were you genuinely expecting as a result? Serious question.

 

This girl has no idea what it's like to be single. She basically grew up in a relationship. I understand you did as well, but I don't think the fact that she wants to know what it's like to be her, do her, is a sign of instability. Some people say this is a code for "I want to sex whoever, whenever", but I would disagree. That may be a part of it, but I can see it from other points as well. I wouldn't even call it a sign of immaturity. It would be a mistake high and dry for her to go into marriage with such strong, tugging feelings about what it's like for her to be alone and on her own two feet(or dating...whatever her feelings are on the matter).

 

She seems terribly confused, and while that point about comfort really dug into your heart(and I can understand why), I think it was honest and far better for her to come to terms with that as a possibility than for everything to coming caving in on you two later on. Sadly, a lot of people do stay together because it's comfortable, because so much enmeshment has gone on during the course of the relationship, they're afraid they won't know their head from their ass if they step away from it. It's a part of the reason why people stay in bad/abusive relationships, as well. Element of security.

 

For that reason, I DO think space is necessary. You can't be hanging out in limbo. If she wants to experience the single life, then let her experience it...But you, too. You say you won't wait, but you're waiting. Where is the fairness in that to you? She has to understand she can't have it both ways - Live as a single woman, yet have you to fall back on when need be. To me, THAT'S the true definition of comfort. And you are the only one who can show her this, through your actions. By that, I don't mean go out and date, but start living your life for yourself. For these 10 years, you've lived it for two of you. Now there's one. And yes, there's one. Bite off that chunk first because between the confusing messages she sends you and your own denial, I'm not quite sure that's really sunk in.

 

I also think you need to lose the whole "work my magic" thing. It sounds strange, in total honesty. As though you have to convince someone to stay with you with your voodoo wooing(yes, I know you're not being literal). Just remember, this did NOT come out of left field and hit you out of nowhere. There were signs earlier that she wanted to break away but due to her own doubts, it didn't happen. I don't think you were as influential as you thought. If someone was sure and secure in their decision, they would do it. She clearly wasn't.

[nrb]

do you expect people to read it?

[ambigram]

do you expect people to read it?

 

I didn't offer any advice but I read every word......

[Reloxx]

Cheetarah, thank you so much for your response. It's a tough pill for me to swallow that this relationship may have ran its course. We always thought we were perfect for each other. our bond was deep and she demonstrated it to me on a constant basis and I to her. This is why it is so hard for me to accept that this is the end. But I know I have to in order to move on ahead. But this is hard.

 

I know that if this story of mine is hard for you, a perfect stranger, to swallow then I can imagine it is even more difficult for her to swallow it. But, I don't have anything to hide and it makes no sense for me to lie to perfect strangers in a forum. I did what I did because I wanted to show her that she was wrong in mistrusting me and her friend. Unfortunately, her gut feelings were partially right. This girl apparently did have some feelings towards me and I never saw them.

 

I did ask her to erase the text messages not so much because I was afraid my GF would read her phone, because I honestly never even imagined that my gf would have the ovaries to do such a thing, but more because I knew it was wrong and I did not want her husband, my friend, to find it (which BTW I told him everything on my own) and also because I just did not want those texts to exist and be used against me and my GF in a future situation. You never know. I regret doing this so much.

 

As for why I responded back to her with "the things I would do to you" well, I felt bad that I had initiated this whole thing for my selfish reasons and then leave her hanging with no comment. So I thought by me telling her "the things I would do to you" would sort of ease her feelings. I shouldn't have done this.

 

Furthermore, part of the reason why I feel like such a horrible person is precisely because I initiated this. Precisely because instigated this. Arel would have never shared her feelings with me or maybe anyone else, if I didn't initialize it. And I call her a bimbo because of anger. She's married (they reconciled and never divorced) to my best friend. How could she think of me like that? We've known each other for 9+ years. It's not right. But, I am mad at myself and I have no reason to be mad at her. This is all my fault but I do realize that this whole Arel and text message issue is not the overall big issue in my relationship. Instead, this issue made the other issue come up and float.

 

The big issue is that we both grew up in a relationship and she has had questions about what it would be like to be single and be on her own. And she's asked me before for space and I never could give it to her. And me not giving it to her has led to this now. Perhaps if I would have given it to her 3-4 years ago when she asked me for it, perhaps she would have gone out into the world and answered all her questions on this topic and then we would be together now just having to deal with the Arel issue as a single issue. But I just couldn't bring myself to risk it all. Now, I have to. There's no other play for me here. I could try to move mountains and beg and cry and plead but in the end that will either not work or it will be a temporary fix. She's going to have to answer these questions on her own sooner or later. I just have to accept it and let nature take its course.

 

In the end, and thinking positive here, I think that this whole issue is a blessing in disguise. Had it never occurred then we would have probably gotten married, had children, and then sooner or later those questions would have surfaced once again and it is better that this happens now without all that than later on with a family and a marriage intact.

On the other hand, this could serve as an "informative" period in both of our lives where we explore the world and see for ourselves what it is like to be apart without one another. And maybe what her and I find is that there's no one better for us out there and we end up getting back together and this time definitively and with zero doubts and questions on her end.

 

What I don't know is what do we do in between? Are we still exclusive to one another? Is it okay to date and sleep with other people? To me, I don't need that nor want it, but I don't know if that is her feeling as well. This is something that was unspoken but from my understanding she made it seem that the possibility of dating other people is a possibility. Remember she said "if I do have another relationship then he would have to accept you as part of my past" that indicates to me that we are not exclusive to one another.

 

But then there's the question which I alluded to earlier. Is this a test? Am I being put in a place where I CAN sleep around and now she's in the wait and see mode to see if I do indeed have the desire to sleep with another person? What if I do and then she wants to reconcile and she asks me if I have been intimate with another person, will she hold that against me? Will that be me failing her test?

 

And a bigger question would be, if SHE sleeps with other people and I don't and then she wants to reconcile, can I accept her back knowing that? I'm conflicted about this and I truly won't know the answer to that until at least some time has passed and these emotions have subsided and I am thinking more rationally.

 

Anyways, I want to thank you for your input. It really does help and it does make me feel better to see through the eyes of another person.

 

I just wanna know if there is a strong possibility that we do get back together. But then again, in knowing that, that will give me hope and hope as wonderful as it is will only keep the hurt going longer and longer. Hope will keep me closed off from other potential suitors longer and longer. I feel like I am in a lose-lose situation here.

[ken0001]

Reloxx, while I know how difficult it is for you to accept what happened, I would suggest (well, not that I'm being a negative person here, but this would be a lot safer) that you might as well think that she's not coming back. This is just for preparation so if she really doesn't come back, then you've already prepared for the worst. I get the fact that you were together for 10 years. That's good. But that's also bad because you haven't spent your teenage years dating others or if not dating others, doing what interests you both the most. If you've read my post here in the Breakups section, you would somehow see that we're in a similar situation regarding messages BUT the only difference is I did not call my girlfriend a "bimbo" or even "psycho" nor did I initiate "horny" messages with another girl, but lo and behold, she took it against me, and after 7 months of proving that I don't do those kinds of things with other girls, still it didn't matter to her. While you think that those exchange of messages were no big deal for her ( and shouldn't be paid attention to ), in fact it is a big deal. Girls are too emotional thru words. Congratulations if you didn't indulge with it thru actions, then that would've been different scenario. But yeah, Words hurt as much as actions do.

 

If she has questions, it would be best to leave the answering all to her. In all intents and purposes, DO NOT INTERFERE WITH WHAT SHE WANTS TO DO. DO NOT QUESTION HER ACTIONS. It will make her more distant. Good for you that you didn't go ahead and plead, and beg and whatnot. I did those sorts of things for 3 weeks straight then I eventually stopped because I knew I was getting nowhere fast.

 

What I suggest you should do other than not question her is to initiate NC. NOT BECAUSE YOU WANT TO WIN HER BACK. BUT BECAUSE YOU WANT TO GIVE HER ALL THE TIME SHE WANTS AND AT THE SAME TIME, PREPARE FOR THE WORST TO COME.

 

And uh, you know what you did was wrong dude. You just relied on the fact that you were together for too long so the trust wouldn't never break. But that's not good. Trust is something you build for a long time but only takes little less time to break it.

 

I'll make this short. Don't bother her for now. Your questions, let it be for today. Because it sounds like you've already predicted that she's coming back to you which we both know for a fact that for now, the chances are slim. So don't go thinking like that. Leave your questions for now. Do what needs to be done for YOURSELF. NOT FOR HER. JUST FOR YOURSELF. I know you're saying that you are clear that she's the one for you and whatnot. But having been in a relationship for 10 years without exploring anything more, I believe now's the time to do things you want BUT NOT THINGS THAT WILL MAKE YOU LOOK BAD.

 

I don't know if what I've said is correct. But I'm doing these things right now.

[Ms Darcy]

Well, this post is right on the money.

 

You seem to blame others for stuff that was your choice. Her father fored you to move in. Arel is a bimbo. Her two gfs are negatively influencing her by osmosis. Really, take some responsibility.

 

I think you two are fundamentally incompatible. There are guys who are "natural flirts" and there are girls who do not find that acceptable. My bf doesn't flirt (nor have any of my other serious boyfriends), so it's not like it is an inherent trait that men must do. It is what you do and she hates it. Further, you had twisted this girl up so much you made her not trust her gut when her gut was in fact RIGHT about Arel.

 

You can say you are telling the truth about those texts with Arel, and maybe you are, but either way it says terrible things about your behavior. Either you cheated or you are willing to resort to lying and deciept for your own reasons. Those are TERRIBLE traits in a long term partner and both disrespected the relationship.

 

I agree with Cheet that your gf has been trying to leave for a while. It sounds like you have had to convince her to stay. This is not good and makes a break up inevitable once she develops her own internal strength and independence.

 

This sounds like an unhealthy relationship that you thought was healthy.

 

I would suggest leaving her alone.

[Reloxx]

Thanks Ms. Darcy, and everyone else. I appreciate your inputs.

 

I do want to say that I know I was wrong for trying to prove to my GF that Arel had nothing for me. I also want to say that I have never even dreamed of being with another woman nor have I. She's been my one and only since she took my virginity.

 

The whole thing about me flirting, it is not like I do it in front of her or around her friends. And also, we seem to be taking the flirting as being a strong sexual flirtation. No, indeed this is not the case. My flirtations were to the extreme of "Hey Darcy, you look good today. Pretty hot dress you're wearing." that's about as flirtatious as I can be, and this is no where near her nor our friends.

 

I know I am not a bad guy. I've never went out to intentionally hurt her or anyone else for that matter, but here we are and I hurt my GF and Arel (I must imagine) both atthe same time. But I have taken ownership of my mistakes and I have came out clean with explicit details in everything.

 

Am I not human? Am I not entitled to make a few mistakes and learn from them?

 

Do people in long and loving relationships ever make a mistake? She sure did a few times and I told her how I felt, she understood it, I forgave her, and we moved on with our love and our relationship.

 

This is not like I even kissed the girl (like she once did with some other guy when we were going through a fight). I betrayed her, yes I know, and I understand and I am regretful and apologetic about it. I learned from my mistake.

 

However, she's not entirely fault-free in all of this. Like I said earlier, she has guy friends, most of which I do not personally know and some that she had crushes on a decade ago. Yet, whenever she wanted to go out and hang out with them and text and email and talk on the phone, I never told her she could not nor did I let it bother me. However, when I text a MUTUAL friend about movies, music, and celeb gossip, it bothers her?

 

Okay fine. It bothers her so I'll stop IF she will stop having her guy friends as well. I just don't see it as fair where she can have multiple guy friends and I can't even have a mutual female friend. Could I have handled the situation better? Certainly. But what's done is done. Now, we can either let this break us apart OR we can take this as a challenge and learn from it and grow from it together and make sure it never happens again.

 

Look, if she told me that we were just incompatible, that she wasn't in love with me anymore, that I abuse her, that I am just not the right guy for her, or anything like that, then BECAUSE I love her so much and because I truly want to see her happy regardless of who she's with then I would back off completely and let her go. But she doesn't tell me that. She tells me the complete opposite. She tells me she sees me as her husband, as the father to her kids, as the ONE for her, and that she's extremely lucky to be with me. So, if I do believe her (and I do) then how do I let someone go just like that given all the facts?

 

And look, I know she's going through this whole identity crisis, I know. She's cited this as the primary reason for us breaking up and she wants to fix this issue she has within herself so that she can be the best woman possible for herself and for a relationship. Okay, fine. I understand that. But This is not a new issue and she's not the only person to ever go through this identity crisis before. I've read about it recently. Identity crises are indeed very COMMON in relationships and through therapy you can save a marriage but it takes both partners to do that.

 

If the relationship has been as good as she claims it has been (no complaints on my end), and given the fact that she has been wanting to get married and move out and all that, I tend to believe it has been good for her, then if it has been that good of a relationship is it logical to jeopardize it all because you have these questions? Maybe. But what would some counselling for a few months really cost you? If it works out then YAY we saved the relationship and she found herself. If it doesn't work out then fine, she can go and leave and find herself then.

 

I feel like I am being attacked here (I'm probably overthinking it here) and that's fine but do try to see both sides of the story here. I've tried my best to write it in a balanced view point as best as I could.

 

Am I really the sole person to blame here? Am I an abomination of a man?

 

If so, why does her mother believe that her daughter is making the wrong decision? Why does her sister feel the same? Why do my friends believe she is making a bad decision?

 

Look, I know myself. I know I am not perfect, but a monster is not what I am. I'm very caring and sensitive and I take her feelings very seriously. I love her to death, I have never disrespected her, never raised my hand at her, never even called her any nasty names, I've never cheated on her, I've never disappeared on her, I've never abused her... I've been a good BF. I've sacrificed a lot for this relationship and for her and I DO NOT regret any of it because my heart feels wonderful whenever I do something nice for her and I make her happy. My happiness derives from her being happy. I'm devoted to her.

 

I wish I could find a person that was as devoted to me as I am to her... and the issue here is that I have. It is her! She's perfect. I love her for her strengths but also for her weaknesses. This is true love here.

Of course she can tick me off sometimes, and of course she has little mood swings. In the mornings NO ONE can talk to her until she fully wakes up or takes a shower. She has a bad attitude in the mornings. BUT I LOVE THAT ABOUT HER. She's the person I've chosen and I accept her as a whole.

 

I have my weaknesses as well, and she accepts me for who I am. But it is OUR responsibility as partners to try and better ourselves through time. She didn't like me being too "friendly" with girls... so after 5 years I've significantly toned it down. I mean, it's to the point where I barely speak to females when she's not around. But also I am not going to give up my morals for anyone. For example: I think drugs are bad. I've tried them and I don't want anything to do with them. There's nothing she can do or say to me to make me try drugs. Plain and simple. I think that monogamy and trust are the pillars of a happy relationship, and I don't care if Beyonce (who was just voted most beautiful woman in the world) asked me to have a one night stand with her and that I was promised with absolute certainty that no one would EVER find out... I would not do it. Why? Because I would know and that's something I cannot have sitting on my chest. These are morals and principles and I live by them.

 

I am human, I make mistakes just like anyone else, but can I get the opportunity to learn from them and demonstrate it? Well, that depends on the person I suppose.

 

It's just hard to swallow that this relationship has been unhealthy. I don't buy it. She would have told me long ago. We're too honest with one another. I can read her body language and she mine almost to absolute certainty. I know how she's feeling without her speaking a word to me. I would have noticed if I was doing her damage.

 

I have hope. I know this has been too real for it to be over without even giving it a fair shot. This cannot be over. There's too much here.

 

Everyone close to us, seems to believe that she'll come around sooner or later because she's trying to fool herself into thinking that she wants to be alone. And they tell me she looks MISERABLE. They all know how elated she is when I am around. She knows I'm there to comfort her and soothe her and provide for her. One of the things she loves the most is having our "lazy Sundays" where we just lay in bed until the afternoon doing nothing but laughing and talking and watching tv or listening to music, all while cuddling. I'll make us breakfast and then sometimes run to the store and grab us junk food and ice cream (ice cream is healthy and nutritious and will never be junk food) and then we resume cuddling.

 

You mean to tell me this was an unhealthy relationship? I don't buy it. She's going to figure this out on her own. She'll come around. She'll come around.

 

And yes, KEN001, I may be setting myself up for an even bigger downfall but I can't give up. She's my life. She's my everything and she led me to believe this whole time that the feeling was mutual. In fact, she convinced me. And she did it recently once again too. 3 weeks ago.

 

No. This is not ending. This is a pause. She's going to be back. And I will continue to grow as a better person while she is gone so that when she is back I will be even better partner.

[Ms Darcy]

Everyone who is dumped seems to believe the dumper is fooling himself/herself. I think she is trying to figure herself out.

 

Time will tell but someone who keeps trying to leave is not someone who sees you in her life forever.

 

You can make mistakes. You both have. But she can leave too. You both can.

[Reloxx]

Everyone who is dumped seems to believe the dumper is fooling himself/herself. I think she is trying to figure herself out.

 

Yea, but why do the people that know her best tell me that she's making a mistake and that she'll come around soon because she loves me too much?

 

And I'm all for finding oneself. I found myself numerous times but I never dumped her. Instead I read, I went out, I spoke to elderly people, and etc.

 

Everyone's different and she's not like me. I'm an ESFJ and extremely extroverted while she's an ISFJ and she's introverted.

We took several personality tests and we always scored between 80%-87% compatible, which is in the highest ranking. I know our personalities mesh well. We complement each other well. Always have.

 

Whatever, I may be just giving this whole thing too much thought. I wish I could just disappear from the face of this planet for a good bit. Not tell anyone anything either. Just straight up, vanish and come back a healed person. maybe by then she would have found what she was looking for. Or maybe she found out that the grass isn't always greener in the other side.

 

I hope she doesn't have to learn things the hard way. you can balance out your issues within a relationship IF you let other people help you. This whole mentality of "I can do this myself" is great until you fail at it 6-8 times. By then you should accept that you could use outside help.

 

One would think she out of all people would realize this, with her being a psychology major and all.

 

I just hope one day she doesn't have to settle with some guy and wonder for the rest of her life "what could have been". I don't wish that upon anybody.

[Cheetarah]

You really need to live your life for YOU. Your denial is so fiercely strong right now. I can appreciate it, it's a 10 year relationship. Reloxx + girlfriend is all you know, too. I can't help but observe that you appear to be projecting so many of your own feelings onto her. You feel XYZ, she must be, too. You don't feel ABC, how can she?

 

Even when I broke up with a cheating, chronic liar, I was miserable, too! This was someone I shared my life with, after all. And like any relationship, it can't be all bad all the time. Even though the choice was necessary, it didn't come easy. I had my struggles and 'weak moments'.

 

No one can answer whether this is a test, I would take her at face value. It's not something she sprung on you randomly, it's been talked about for several years. It's not new. And just because she's not flitting around elated doesn't mean she will come back. Who really genuinely does that, even in the face of an awful relationship? Some people might delight in their newfound singlehood for awhile, but there are still feelings to be dealt with even if you've been checking out of the relationship for awhile. It's still an adjustment to go from a 10 year relationship to nothing.

 

And if she appears unhappy, she is STILL choosing to take this break/space from you. So on some level, despite the emotions it's stirring in her, she deems it a necessary thing. If you are that up in the air about your status, all you can do is communicate with her directly about it. Either way, I would treat this as a break-up because I think you owe it to both of you. This has been something she's wanted. You directed all your energies towards convincing her it wasn't in her best interest, so to speak. So take advantage of this time. You don't know what will happen, but for your sakes you have to live separately and act separately.

[Cheetarah]

Ok, but she's not you. It appears you may seem to think you know what's best for her more than she does. Is it so?

 

Being a psychology major means NOTHING when it comes to personal situations where objectivity is far too difficult to obtain. My friend recently got her PhD, and she has been pining over some man who broke things off with her 4 years ago. She works with her own therapist in that regard, because she has great difficulties applying her own knowledge to a situation where there's natural bias.

[Reloxx]

Interesting developments today. It's been a week of NC.

 

As I suspected, her friends have both removed me from their friend's on facebook. My ex-GF however has had no actions on her facebook page. She hasn't posted anything in over two weeks. BUT she still has me as her bf and her status is still "in a relationship with Reloxx".

 

Why hasn't she just made it official to everyone that we are officially broken up? Should I just let this ride and see if she follows suit just like her friends and unfriend me? Or maybe she'll just change her relationship status to single now. Or maybe she'll just deactivate her facebook.

 

You guys don't seem to believe that her friends are influencing her on us breaking up. I think they are doing it by osmosis. Remember, her two friends are in the middle of a separation as well. They seem like they want to do this as a team and do the whole dumping their man and being single all together. My ex-GF seems to be reluctant but eventually they will get to her. I know they will. She trusts them and looks up to them since they are both older and married and with kids. Eventually, do to me maintaining the NC they will influence her into tagging along with them as they step into their new single social status.

 

I feel confident in my ultimate goal though. I will not be breaking NC and I will hold my ground. I don't want someone who makes decisions based on others' influence INCLUDING MINE. See? I've learned my lesson.

I know now that if she comes back all on her own then it will be because of love and on her own accord. However, if these two women reconcile with their men, and then she follows suit and tries to reconcile with me because of it, then I will have a hard time letting her back in, as much as it pains me to say it.

 

She needs to make decisions on her own and not based on other influences. She's 26 years old. She should act like it. And her friends should be mature enough to let her do what she pleases. That's what good friends do. They let their friends be happy and true happiness comes from within.

 

This whole situation is just stupid at this point. I'm 28 years old. I don't want to play little games. We're not 16 anymore. I am looking for a long term relationship. I don't want flings and stupid crap like that. It is not me. others may enjoy them but they are not my thing. I am looking for a future wife. I thought it would be her but here we are.

 

I think I am going to wall up my heart and just focus on bettering myself and improving my career. I no longer want this whole "love" thing as a part of my life. I gave her my all and I don't think I want to do that whole thing again with anyone else. At least not for a VERY VERY VERY long time.

 

Sadly, what got me through these last 2 years of college and long distance relationship was the thought of sharing my life with her. me giving her what she had been asking for.... our own place and a beautiful wedding. So sad. Oh well, it is out of my control.

 

NC all the way!!!!

[Ms Darcy]

I think you are too focused on her and you should focus on you. Not much you can do about what she decides and wants out of her life. ... And yes, I think you are in denial.

[Reloxx]

Denial or not, one thing is for certain... IT IS HER LOSS!!!!

 

I gave her everything. I was a good man to her.

 

I hope she finds whatever she's looking for but knowing her and knowing her damn well, she'll be back. And when she does it'll be damn hard for her to convince me as to why I should give her my all once again.

 

We live in Miami. Everything is party party party down here. All guys want is to get laid, drink in excess, and hardly any commitment. Miami is the capital city of divorce because of all the temptations.

She's not the perfect little angel herself. If that's what she wants out of life, so be it.

 

I know what I want out of life. I want a partner who I can grow with, experience life and have fun with. I'm not Mr. Dull. I go out, party, travel, and everything but I don't let it consume me. I'm typically the life of a party. I'm very sociable and I am a very affable person. I get along with everyone and most people enjoy my company.

 

I am loyal, faithful, devoted, unselfish, and a truly nice person. Of course, we all have our weaknesses but my weaknesses aren't what most of the guys deal with on a regular basis, (women, promiscuity, drugs, alcohol, etc) so at the end of the day, I wish her the best.

 

I know she's holding on to me because she knows she has a good thing with me and she feels like she will always have me to fall back on. But I refuse to be her emotional crutch through this difficult time. I refuse to be a doormat. She can't have her cake and eat it too. If she wants to go out there and test the waters and see if there are greener pastures then she'll have to do it without having me as a fallback option. She's either in or out. No in betweens.

 

She knows the minute that she changes her relationship status from "in a relationship with Reloxx" to single, it'll change on mine to. And she knows there's a line waiting out there. She has issues with me having females on my facebook so I imagine she thinks the minute everyone knows I am single they will start being more liberal with their come ons. Little does she know that the last thing I wanna do is date or see anyone else. I am emotionally drained and I will be unavailable for a loooong time. But I can't have her knowing that.

 

The reason I haven't taken the initiative to change my profile to single is because up to this point she's been the one making all the decisions and I am going to let her make that decision as well. i don't want any excuses from her later on that it was me who changed it and this and that. If she's the one wanting out then she should be the one to do it all the way through. She's trying to keep me "unavailable" to other females all while she goes and tests the waters. I'm just gonna let her do her thing. NO CONTACT all the way through.

 

Denial or not... IT IS HER LOSS!!!!!

 

You may think I am a horrible person all because I send a girl a text message... fine. And if she thinks that is the biggest and worse thing a guy will ever do to her then she's the one in DENIAL. People make mistakes. Whether they do it in their 20s or in their 40s, people make mistakes.

 

Love doesn't work without forgiveness. Love doesn't work without communication. Love doesn't work without trust. Love doesn't work without commitment.

 

She's in for a fun ride in Miami. I wish her the best. I think she did me a favor. I am thankful we didn't follow through with a wedding and mortgage and even worse... kids. I am glad she's doing this now rather than later on. She saved herself and me a bunch of embarrassment and regret and not to mention time and money.

 

IT IS HER LOSS!!!

[Ms Darcy]

You may think I am a horrible person all because I send a girl a text message... fine. And if she thinks that is the biggest and worse thing a guy will ever do to her then she's the one in DENIAL. People make mistakes. Whether they do it in their 20s or in their 40s, people make mistakes. ... I am loyal, faithful, devoted, unselfish, and a truly nice person. Of course, we all have our weaknesses but my weaknesses aren't what most of the guys deal with on a regular basis, (women, promiscuity, drugs, alcohol, etc) so at the end of the day, I wish her the best.

 

Love doesn't work without forgiveness. Love doesn't work without communication. Love doesn't work without trust. Love doesn't work without commitment.

 

IT IS HER LOSS!!!

I think that is an unfortunate attitude to have about a woman you claim to love. No one is calling you a horrible person, but your behavior was unacceptable for a relationship and yet you seem to not qualify it as a big deal. And yes, I do think she can find a man who won't do that to her. I would hate for any person to stay with someone with the thought that they could not get better treatment (e.g. no lying and deceit) as you outlined and yet seemingly dismissed as a 'an idea with good intentions gone wrong.'

During this vacation, I came up with a BRILLIANT idea. I was going to prove to my GF once and for all that Arel did not have anything for me and that she was a good friend to her and would never betray her like that. (Prepare to have your jaws dropped by my stupidity) So I send Arel a text "I had a dream about you" and she replied wanting to know more. I told her it was rated X and that's it. This woman, took this text and she let loose. She went to describe her sexual fantasy with me with graphic detail. After so much info and so much disclosing on her part, I felt that the only thing I could reply to her to not make her feel like the crazy person that she is... I replied "The things I would do to you" and "Please erase this text, my gf is psycho" that's it nothing more. The psycho part was me trying to scare Arel into erasing it and not because I think my gf is actually psycho. THIS IS IMPORTANT for later on. My plan was ruined. My mind was racing 1000mph and I didn't know what I had just done. I ruined my friendship with that girl, with her husband my bff, etc etc. I felt guilty. I had to go tell my GF... BUT I DIDN'T. I knew it was going to ruin our summer vacation and we were about to go to Chicago. I decided to wait until we got back. This bimbo Arel kept on texting me though but I ignored her. Once we got back I did not tell my GF. I thought I would be able to contain it and whatever. I decided to have a talk with my GF soon.

 

One day after more acts of 007 by her, I snapped. I sat her down and I told her clearly and firmly. Summarizing: I want her as my wife. I don't see anyone else with the eyes I see her. I want her to be in life until death do us apart. I give her my all and I expect more respect and trust from her. I told her I would end all communications with Arel but that this does not mean I have to avoid one half of the Earth's population. I told her I will be working with females in the future and we will have to go to working lunches, and sometimes they will call my cell phone and they might text me and I might even have a female secretary, and when I do have contact with the opposite sex she cannot expect me to "end all communications" with them like I am doing with Arel. It is just not right. Not fair. And not rational. I told her that I am aware that all the males in her family and friends, have all been cheaters, I know she comes from a broken home and that she saw a lot of the infidelity issues as a child. I told her that I understand her but that this is no way to live and that she needs to either start doing some reading or seek professional help IF she can't control it herself.

She cried with me and she said I was right and that she was going to see a shrink. Okay... problem solved.

 

...Well, needless to say... she saw the explicit texts. I felt like * * * * . I felt, once again, like the biggest douche in the world because she does not deserve this type of pain. She's too good to be treated to this. This is one of her deep fears... infidelity and here I am playing a role that I never intended to play. I betrayed her. It wasn't my intentions but I did. I did it with good and dumb intentions but it back fired.

[Reloxx]

Which unfortunate attitude do you speak of?

Is it wrong for me to wish her the best and hope she finds all of the answers she's looking for but at the same time recognize that I am a great guy and that I believe it is her loss for letting me go?

 

So am I supposed to be of the attitude that she is the greatest and most perfect person in this world and that I should be torn because I'll never find another person as good as her? So I should embrace the idea that her leaving me is MY LOSS?

 

Sorry, I will not subscribe to that notion. I know my value and I know my worth. One should be lucky enough to have a faithful, loyal, kind hearted person as me in their lives.

 

When she went out and started making out with some co-worker of hers, it was I who forgave her. And when she made me accept him as her new friend & a part of her life, it was I who allowed her to have her wish. Granted, she felt so guilty she stopped talking to him a month after the matter.

 

Her insecurities made her an extremely jealous person. Jealous enough to not allow me to have friends. Jealous enough to examine the hairs on my passenger seat whenever she got into my car. Jealous enough to snoop through my emails, facebook, texts, call logs, for years and she never found anything up until now.

 

I ended female relationships because it made her feel comfortable yet I allowed her to have her guy friends.

 

Her jealousy drove me to try and prove to her that our mutual friend had no feelings for me. This is why I sent the texts that she found. So, yes I was wrong and yes it was a big deal but let's start comparing mistakes here.

 

So yes, you're right. I should feel like it is not her loss. She's so great that I cannot dare think that her leaving me is her loss.

 

I know this person for 10 years already. She hasn't changed and has not made an attempt to change. Changes don't come easy. I learned to love her since she was 16 and I love her for all of her weaknesses and not just her strengths but I doubt she will find a person like me in the future.

 

What do you suppose a new guy will do when he starts catching her snooping through his stuff?

 

Like I said earlier, Mrs. Darcy, I wish her the best but IT IS HER LOSS.

 

She's going to learn what she had in me by trial and error.

 

You can sympathize all you want with her because I sent a stupid text message. I regret it myself and it pains me to know that I caused her pain but I am educated enough to understand that issues in relationships are 50/50. I've read all about it from several books already. I own and understand my role in all of this. I accept my mistakes. Unfortunately some people have a hard time seeing their own mistakes.

 

In her eyes it is perfectly normal to break the trust and privacy of their partner. It's perfectly okay to snoop through people's emails and phones.

 

This has been going on for 10 years. I finally got tired of it and sent one text.

 

Whatever. I came on here for help and support. I've gotten what I needed. My eyes have been opened. To me she was perfect and couldn't be better but now insee just how DISFUNCTIONAL she really is.

 

Again, for the record, I WISH HER THE BEST, but I KNOW this is her loss. I'm a great person, far from perfect, but great nonetheless.

 

Thanks for all your great advice and input Mrs. Darcy.

[Reloxx]

I'm now dead set on NC and I plan on moving on. The Grass is Greener Syndrome seems to be in full effect with her. Unfortunately for her, she will find this out much later in life:

 

"The Grass is Greener Syndrome where things are better “over there” sounds favorable until you realize that when you go there you take you with you." Judith Joy

[Reloxx]

Well, look how funny life is. I got back home and found she has been cheating on me for four years with a co-worker and her friends I spoke about have been I stinting it and telling her "you're young, live life. Enjoy your youth." they didn't even have the decency to tell her to at least break up with me. Wow.

And here I was losing sleep and weight because I sent a girl a text out of anger to prove to her I didn't cheat. She made me feel like it was all on me for ruining the relationship.

Haha. Joke is on her now. I feel liberated. I had placed all the weight on my shoulders for the break up.

Now it's all on her.

 

I'm sad because I still love her. She's going through an identity crisis and I tried to help but she feels she's in good hands with her hoe friends. Oh well.

Sad. She'll see the light one day.

Sad to see such a beautiful person go from an innocent 16 year old to a 26 year old office * * * * . So sad. Even sadder is that I love her and forgave her already.

Oh well.