Friends with crush

[people500]

Hey everyone,

 

I'm a really happy, positive, energetic guy. I work full time at my job were all my supervisors and a lot of my coworkers love me. I have a lot of hobbies and interests like; sports, art, music, games, movies... The only thing I really don't like is partying and drinking. I know it's a really popular thing to do, but it just really frustrates me how crazy people get, and I just rather stay away from all of that. I'm also homosexual, I've know for a long time. I am really on the more masculine side. Some people say they can tell, but I act more as if I was straight. People say I'm pretty good looking too.

I have a pretty good life, I have come a long ways since I started using this site. But there is one thing that I have always struggled with, and that is friends. All my life I have been a loner. I was homeschooled from 5th grade on. My parents and I would keep moving to new areas, so if I made any friends where I lived I would have to lose them. Last year I moved out of my parents house and found a room to rent. It has been such a great thing for me, I love my independence. My mom was always on me about everything.

Since moving out I have really tried hard to meet new people. I have a lot of friends at work, but I see them so much that I kind of want a different crowd to hang out with outside of work. Around 2 months after I moved out, I joined some dating sites just to try and make new friends. I have gotten tons of messages, I even met around 10 guys in person. Some of them were really nice, but most of them were jerks and we didn't really much in common. Since then I made one good friend from all that time of being on those sites.

Then around October of last year, we were hiring a bunch of seasonal people at work., and we had been doing a lot of cashier training. I'm one of the top cashiers so they always have me help out with it. So we had training one day and OH MY GOD the most attractive guy I have ever seen was in the training group. Lol! I guess I can say I have high standards for the guys I'm attracted too. But man did he get my attention. There was quite a few new people. So I trained another guy for like an hour and a half, and then we all had breaks. Then they came out again and the main training gal had me train the really good looking guy. Oh man I couldn't believe it. He was shy but really nice. It was pretty awkward to for me, cause I'm not use to training people that I'm attracted to. But it went pretty well. So as the month went on him and I would have a little small talk once in a while. He would sit at the same table as me in the break room. He never really had much to say but I would still be nice and would talk to him. He was nice to me too and started asking me how I was doing and stuff. Then I even sent him added him as friend on facebook.

So it was the new year and he was gone. I guess he went back home to see his family. One day he came into Target and we talked a little bit. Of course I've had a crush on him this whole time. After I saw him again I thought maybe I should try and make friends with him, since he didn't work there anymore. I though about it for like a whole month and decided to give it a shot. So I sent him a message on facebook and said something like "if your ever up to hanging out let me know". I never thought I would hear back from him, but that night I did. So a few weeks later we went to the movies, and it went well. Then I got this message from him the day after; "hey that's was fun last night. Thanks for hitting me up. Lets do it again sometime soon". So the next weekend we went for a hike, and had lunch. I thought it went well and both times he said he had fun.

So I was pretty excited about this. I couldn't believe I was able to hangout with him. He is SO my type too. I haven't been able to get him out of my mind since the day I met him. Both times we hung out were in late February. It's hard cause he only has the weekends off and I rarely get the weekends off on my job. He has only lived here since last September. I know he made a few friends before, but he told me it was hard to meet people. Now I notice from his facebook that he has quite a few friends now. So lately I've been feeling like maybe he'd rather hangout with all his new friends instead. Like I said before I don't have a lot of friends outside of work. I had a couple friends before but they all decided not to hangout with me anymore. I've been spending some time with my family. My parents and grandma live pretty close. But my parents are actually planing on moving out of state, and my grandma is going to be 90 years old soon. So she's not going to be around forever.

I don't know if he's gay or not. He is so masculine that it would be hard to picture him being attracted to guys. I've been thinking that maybe there is a chance he might like me in that way. My friend thinks he might be too, but I just don't know. I'm not sure if he reads my facebook posts or not but if he does he would know for a fact that I'm gay. I have never been in a relationship or even kissed another guy. He is someone who I would love to try it with, but I would wait till we hung out a couple more times to try and figure the whole thing out more.

On Wednesday of this week I let me know that I was off this Saturday. I heard from him yesterday and he asked me if I'd like to go to San Fransisco (I live pretty close) with him to check out SF State. Of course I wanted to go, and we made plans for it. Last night I had just gotten home from the movies and got a message from him. He told me that when he got home his kitchen was covered in millions of ants. When I heard that I was thinking he was making it up. I've been worried that he didn't really want to stay friends. I thought he said that because he probably realized I was gay and was worried about spending the day with me. So I wrote this message to him;

"Dude I got your message and it's totally fine. Don't feel like you have to make up a story though. If you don't want to be friends it's fine. To be honest I was shocked that you were up to hanging out with me the first time. Ok? So don't feel bad, I've gone though this quite a few times so I'm used to now. Thanks for hanging out with me those two times. It was nice getting to know you, and I wish you the best in everything! And I'm here if you ever need someone to talk too."

Then like ten minutes later he wrote this to me.

"Do you honestly think that I would make up a story like that? I'm shocked that you feel this way. I came home to thousands of Ants all over my kitchen and I've been vacuuming them ever since. First thing tomorrow morning I'm going out to by some ant poison or spray. So I don't even know what to say."

I apologized and wrote this "oh man I'm SOOOO sorry, I did think you were making it up. I've been crapped on by so many people that now I kind of feel like I'm not good enough to have friends. Just forget what I just wrote then."

Then I checked my phone and I had got another message from him before we were messaging, and he said that after he got the ant problem taken care of that maybe we could go for a hike or something. I know I was stupid for doing that, I should of just believed him in the first place. I haven't heard from him since I apologized. I have been really down all day about this. I love having him as a friend it means so much to me, and to think that it might not see him again really upsets me. So what should I do from here? I don't when I have a weekend day off again. But I really want to make this friendship last. And if it does workout should I just stay friends with him or do I try to go further? Would love some feedback!

[RedDress]

I think you might be overthinking things a little.

 

You might have made him feel awkward when you "called him out" on his lie/non-lie. This:

 

"Dude I got your message and it's totally fine. Don't feel like you have to make up a story though. If you don't want to be friends it's fine. To be honest I was shocked that you were up to hanging out with me the first time. Ok? So don't feel bad, I've gone though this quite a few times so I'm used to now. Thanks for hanging out with me those two times. It was nice getting to know you, and I wish you the best in everything! And I'm here if you ever need someone to talk too."

 

is what you are supposed to think in your head. What should come out of your mouth is "Ants? Eww. Hope you figure that out..."

 

... but... you know that now.

 

To move forward, just figure out when you are free and invite him out. Either he will go or he won't. I think all this stress is harmful for you and it's really not productive, either. You can't control the outcome. You really just have to go with the flow.

 

As for whether to make a move romantically... well... no, I don't think you should do that just yet. First step, re-establish the friendship. Next... maybe you should "come out" to him. If it's all over your Facebook it really shouldn't be a shocker... but kind of assessing what he knows and how he feels about it will give you a sense of how open he is (or maybe he'll "come out" to you too). From there, once you know his orientation, you can decide if you want to make a move or not.

 

Personally, that's my advice...

[people500]

Hey thanks so much! That made a lot of sense. I honestly thought he didn't want to be friends anymore so I wanted to reassure him that I would be ok with it. I was really looking forward to hanging out with him, I thought it would help strengthen our friendship. But instead I had to spend the day by myself being all stressed over this. Your right, the stress of this does really get to me. I have worked so hard to establish this friendship with him, and I want it to last. I have never met anyone like him before, and I may never will again.

 

I have a couple more questions in my mind. Do I have to apologize again and be more in depth? Or do I wait and see if he'll contact me? Also how do you think he's feeling about all this? Do you think he wants this friendship to work out too? I was thinking that he may of been doing this just so he wouldn't hurt my feelings, but now I'm thinking it might be different. And do you think he's really upset with me from what I wrote? I realize I called him a liar but the story just sounded really unusual to me. I mean we haven't really spent that much time together, and it's almost a two hour drive to the city at 8 in the morning. Then we'd be in the city for a few hours, and then have another two hour drive home. And then at ten o'clock at night I get a call about "thousands of ants" being in his kitchen. I'm not saying he WAS lying, but it's just sounded a little fishy to me. What do you guys think?

[BlueKarin]

... That was really interesting to read. I say (with my obviously prophet-like knowledge on the subject as a somewhat socially awkward and closeted teenager) you should continue hanging out with him. If he's up to it. Then whether the "ants were a lie" or not is irrelevant. He may just have been in a bad mood/ tired, or was actually telling the truth. There are many possibilities and it seems to me like you hit it off pretty well with this guy. Whether he likes guys or not, it sounds as if you two can in fact be good friends.

 

Romantically speaking, you should probably slowly seed out information on his sexuality, I'm not sure how it's done, but hey I have an excuse. I assume in the adult world sexuality is gone about a lot more maturely than school , where everything is confessions and drama.

[people500]

yeah I never heard back from him though I wrote this to him the other night;

 

I've been thinking about the other night and thought I owe you a more sincere apology. I'm really sorry for calling you a liar. I just thought you might not of wanted to hangout with me, so I thought you came up with that whole story. After I sent those two messages I got your second phone message, and realized you must of been telling the truth. It's really hard to make good friends and to lose them always kills me. So I hope you understand. I'm always really busy and I try to put an effort in trying to make time to hangout with you. But I want you to do what you want to do. If I message you and you already have fun plans with your other friends, it's totally fine. I always find stuff that I can do. I hope this helps clears things up. I kind of think of you as like a brother, your kind of like my own brother in a way. I never get to see him, but hanging out with you kind of feels like I'm with family. I hope that doesn't sound weird, lol. Sorry again. Talk to you later

 

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