Delete ex off Facebook?

[elephants]

I posted my story somewhere here already, but I just need quick opinions on the Facebook issue. My ex officially ended the relationship exactly 3 weeks ago, and he was the one who asked for NC. At first we agreed to be friends, but then he said he was thinking it might be better not to keep in contact because it will only make it harder for both of us, and I agreed.

 

But 4 days later he texts me randomly. Since he broke NC, I thought the agreement was off. The week after that, we frequently chatted online. Then I made the mistake of calling him too soon and I sounded needy. That night, he blocked me on chat, and I am under the impression that he has also limited my access to his page, i.e., I cannot see his wall posts.

 

But the next day, he texts randomly again, to which I gave a straightforward answer. The day after that, he texts me about something important, so I told him to chat me up online if he wants to talk about it. We chatted, and it ended with him telling me that he's making plans to 'leave the past behind' and start a new life, and he hopes I can 'look at things in a positive light'. I got upset but just said 'Best of luck. You too'.

 

And then the next day, he texts yet again! This time to ask me for something. I told him to Google it instead. No reply, but he left me a message on Facebook saying thanks. After that, we haven't communicated in any way. It's been a week now. Today I logged on to Facebook and saw that he Liked one of my recent posts.

 

Should I delete him off my Facebook? Or deactivate my account? Or just let it be? I would like to explain that in my panic on the day we broke up, I was the one who requested that we remain friends on Facebook.

 

I am hoping at a chance for reconciliation (or just revenge on my part) in the future. I thought about deactivating my account because I really have no life as of the moment and it shows on my Facebook, and it just sucks to think that he might be checking it and knowing I'm still stuck where he left me. But I got scared that if I do that, when I re-open the account I might find that he already deleted me as a friend. And I want to be the one doing the deleting! But if I delete him for good... well, I'm scared. It might make him forget me quicker?

 

Letting it be sounds like a good idea because it sends off a vibe that says I don't care, but I'm scared that he might be using Facebook as a way to "slowly wean off me" as they say here.

 

What should I do? My goal is to take back the 'power' in the situation. I feel like I've been trampled on, and I don't want to keep being a doormat! I hate how he must, even subconsciously, have this sense of security in me, like he knows he's moving on faster than I do.

 

Thanks, guys!

[ButterflyWrists]

You don't know how fast he's moving on. Delete him and work on yourself. It doesn't sound like he wants to get back with you, and you need to let it be. Work on whatever issues you have at the moment. You said about not having much of a life - change that, go out get some hobbies and meet new people. He doesn't need to know whats happening in your life. Having an ex on facebook delays the healing process and leaves you stuck in the past hoping that things get back to the way they were. With a break up, you need to treat it like it is OVER no going back, because that means you can move on, better yourself and find yourself again as a single girl.

 

Hope you feel better about the breakup soon..

[skyler276]

You know what to do. Walk away. NC. Do EEET! Alternatively, you could drag this on indefinitely until you feel like your hearts going to explode, eat too much ice cream from the depression, and start hating your own life. Orr, you could even rekindle the relationship, patch everything up, make passionate love, have everything be great for three more months before it all blows up again and your in the same situation trying to find the strength for NC. Just do it now and get it over with, make him do it too when he runs back crying cause he "realizes all his mistakes, and how, I had no idea how much I loved you until I didn't have you" Be strong!

[elcie]

I agree with Butterfly-Wrists!

 

The best way to get your power back is to create your own social life where you are not dependant on a boyfriend.

 

My daughter went through what you are going through. After her boyfriend broke up with her, she realized that she had only one girlfriend to go out with her and this made it very hard to get over him.

 

As it happened, after a failed rebound relationship, her ex wanted to get back with my daughter and she accepted.

 

During this "second" relationship, she found a new job, found her own friends and was not as dependant on her boyfriend.

 

He broke up with her again after 12 months but she was more able to deal with it. She was now enjoying being single with her friends, went on overseas holidays and was happy in her new job.

 

The ex contacted her again after another failed rebound relationship. I suppose you could call it a form of revenge, but it was really a realization of empowerment......my daughter was polite but distant with him and made it obvious that she wasn't interested in him anymore.

 

I suppose what I'm trying to say is that the best way to get your power back is to focus on making your own life more fulfilling without being so dependant on someone else.....also that getting back together is probably not a good idea for most people. It's usually a rehash of repeated mistakes.

 

Oh, by the way.....she's met someone else and they've been going out for about 5 weeks....early days yet, but she's definitely moved on!

 

Wishing you the best!

[RitaTrue]

Uck,....power dynamics.

 

IMO, you should delete and BLOCK him off your facebook. That is, if you want to continue using FB without being reminded of him, his face, or his life without you. Consequently, you could deactivate your fb account until you no longer feel bothered by it. Members here have traveled on both of those roads: it just depends on what's comfortable for you.

 

As for me myself, when I finally decided to end the "friendship" between my ex and I--and officially move on--I immediately deleted and blocked him, since I still wanted to use facebook, and sent him a final email telling him politely to avoid contacting me at all. Hours later, he sent me a text. Then he went silent. Until about 7 weeks later, when he returned to our school, with all the reminders of our relationship, as well as people always asking him about me, and that's when he started calling me like crazy: 1-3 times per week.

 

What's the power of NC? let me share with you what my ex said: "Ritatrue, when we were friends and talking all the time, it was easy to move on. I felt no pain because you were always there for me. But, when you stopped calling or texting, moving on became very hard. I cried. A lot. I felt like you hated me for no reason. When you stopped talking to me, I thought you'd moved on and found a boyfriend already (LOL!!),... while I was sitting here like this instead."

 

In his mind, I'd already carved out a new life without him and was happy, because the silence said that I was getting on just FINE without him. In reality, he didnt know that I was crying, depressed, could not even attract a good DATE if I wanted to, and was still trying to piece myself back together. That's the power of silence--when used the right way

 

No Contact: Eat it and love it--now until you heal

The more you stick with NC, the more power you get back to yourself. Likewise, the more you start and break NC, the less effective it is.

[markie6]

Block or get blocked. I wrote a lengthy post about social media and all possibilities. None of the possible scenarios are good and Facebook is painful when you want to heal.

[kaibutsu]

I don't do Facebook, but whatever you need to do to make it so you're not seeing him online and not getting any notifications and he's not getting any from you...that's what you need to do. Make yourself feel better by avoiding all the Facebook nonsense and get out in the real world and away from any reminders of your ex.

[Donovan79]

Delete and block. Tell him you're doing it, that it's best for both of you to be able to move on faster, then do it and please stop replying to his messages. Nobody changes in a week or even a month, and if you hear from him and he wants to "chat" or even wants to "talk about getting back together", if it's within anything less than six months (better a year), you're going to be the same two people with the same exact problems, and whatever happened before will happen again, just more final.

 

When you say "I also don't have much going on in my life", that's an even bigger problem. No one should depend on a partner to fulfil their satisfaction with their own life. If you don't have many friends right now, try to find groups around you that you can join and even help lead. If you don't already, try to spend 3-4 hours a week working out either at the gym or just running outside. If work sucks, start taking classes that could potentially lead to a better job. If your town is boring, figure out a cool new place to move to. It's not until you're really loving your own life without needing anyone else that he will ever come back for good, but in all likelihood by then you're going to attract someone even better.

[elephants]

Hi everyone,

 

Thanks for all the replies! I have made up my mind to follow your advice to delete him. Follow-up question: Should I or should I not leave him a message to tell him that I'm deleting him? On one hand, it might be rude to just delete him like that. On the other, it might not be so empowering to tell him that I'm deleting him because I can't stand to see his updates anymore. You know, might give him the message that he still matters so much to me...

 

Thanks, again!!

[Donovan79]

Don't tell him "I can't stand to see your updates", just say "Hey, no hard feelings but I think it's best for us in moving on to remove connections like FB, etc., hope you're doing well." Civil, short and very neutral. Nothing more.

[transmit]

No message - just delete him. I know you'd like to know his reaction, but this is for you - not him.

[markie6]

Either way you do it, it's sending a message especially as you have delayed doing it until now. If you say... don't take this the wrong way.. but reading your updates is not helping me move on... shows you are still struggling.

 

Deleting without a message is saying... I don't care what you think ..I am trying to move on.

 

Whichever you choose, works best on day 1... and causes less pain in the following days too

 

If you have lots of mutual friends, de-activation is best or create a new profile with just people you actualy like and know

[elephants]

Oh, god, about the mutual friends. 99% of my friends are mutual friends!! We were in college together, same circle.

[Lonewing]

Don't worry about it - just delete and move on. Maybe in a year or two, you can add each oher back, but even then, maybe not.

 

I still have no desire to add my ex back, much less even LOOk at her profile.

[Tom1990]

I have tons of mutual friends with my ex. It was awkward for them when I deleted her from FB, but they understood. I intended to keep her off indefinitely, and be transfered to another department (we work together). Stuff blew over though and we were friends again after a couple weeks. I still would have rather preferred erasing her from my life.

[dumPI]

Did you ever delete someone from facebook because you weren't talking to them or they were not your real friends? I suppose you did. Did you tell them? I guess not.

 

He is neither your friend nor someone you are going to talk to. Why having him? Why telling him?

It's not a matter of empowering or letting him know you are affected. It's a matter of knowing that your life and future lie ahead. And he is a chain to your past.

 

By the way speaking about power: some posters here were wondering if they should or shouldn't delete their exes from facebook just to discover the exes took the step before them ... you can guess it hurt double as much!

[Donovan79]

Did you ever delete someone from facebook because you weren't talking to them or they were not your real friends? I suppose you did. Did you tell them? I guess not.

 

Makes me think of this: really the worst plugin in the world. I deleted it less than an hour after installing it. Some things are better not knowing.

 

link removed

[lonelyheart2]

oh my god that actually exists ChrisMac!! That's terrible! So glad I've deactivated.....!

[flatplane]

Why would you even want to know who doesn't like you any more?

 

From my point of view, even deleting them sends them a message that you're affected. You should be able to just unsubscribe from their updates somehow, although this won't stop them posting on your wall etc.

[dumPI]

Another thought: they deleted us from the mutual relationship. How is that any way compared to delete them from facebook?! Look the months/years of pain we are put through, and the 5 minutes where they might get angry saying "Ouch he/she deleted me from facebook".

 

Regarding unfriendfinder ... yeah I knew about it. Installed it myself some time ago.

[elephants]

I am not even going to dare install that unfriendfiner

 

Anyway, I finally did it. I deleted him from Facebook. I haven't blocked him though, and I'm thinking if that might be a bit harsh. I mean, I don't want bad blood between us. BUT like dumPI said, he might do it before I do, and that's going to hurt so much.

[elephants]

Oh, and I didn't leave a message. I guess I just didn't want to break NC. And he doesn't have the right to know what I'm thinking anyway.

[dave1981]

well done !

 

Deleted my ex about a month ago. It did help

[whattodough]

Ok so here's my take on things as the dumpee of a 2 year relationship where my ex-gf dumped me 7 weeks ago. I always wanted her back/still do/ we have gotten back in the past, so I think it's making it harder for me to abandon any hope. Since I still have this hope, deleting her off facebook was pretty much out of the question. As an alternative, I unsubscribed her from my news feed, so I don't see any updates from her unless I lose my will and view her profile. Now needless to say, this has happened quite a bit. I'm still friends with a lot of her friends and her family as well on FB so it's pretty bleh. Deleting them from FB is definitely the easiest alternative to avoid all future temptation to look, but perhaps the hardest to implement. To give you an idea of the dilemma my situation has put me in, she added a guy to her FB after only having known him in person about 10 days, and his profile now says in a relationship with my ex, yet my ex has elected to not display her relationship... to not just me... but all her friends. So now I'm here wondering what this means, oh does she not realllly like this guy? Does she not want people to think less of her jumping into relationships so soon after our break up? etc etc so the mind continues to wander, had I not had her friended at the time, I'd never know and probably not be stuck reliving these thoughts again and again. Strangely enough, or perhaps not strangely enough, she has me still in her friends group, and is subscribed to my feed... not reading into that... or am i.. ugh!

[ngu11]

FB is the the modern day cancer of social interaction. Say nothing - delete him - go work on yourself. However, know this: Your ex WILL be keeping tabs on you. FB can be your own PR agaent if used wisely