Back to dating, first sticky situation; talk some sense into me!

[TiredOfGames]

Hello all.

 

I've been away from here for some time, basically since a LTR break-up a year ago. Since then I've made many new friends and I have several activities that occupy my time both with and without my friends. Overall I've had a pretty great year. Some months following the break-up and sorting myself out I tried dating a little (via a small mix of online dating, introductions through friends, etc.). I quickly realized that 1) I just wasn't ready to be dating again at that time; and 2) The online dating scene wasn't for me.

 

I spent the better part of the rest of my year very happily single, then someone who I'd known for a while began to show a more serious interest in me (this is someone with whom I'd share brief yet polite and friendly conversation when crossing paths at a local establishment). I'd always thought she was cute so I decided it was time to try the dating thing again. In this particular case I never really developed any feelings for her beyond friendship. The initial curiosity was of course exciting, but she was looking for far more than I could give. What I realized from this was that I am ready for a serious relationship with the right person. I've also come to find that while I have very good and close friends now and plenty of activities to occupy my time, there's an intimacy in sharing one's activities and experiences that friends simply cannot provide, for me at least (and I'm in no way referring to just bedroom antics either).

 

So roll on a couple of months to present day and to my current situation. This began just ten days ago...

 

Met at a local coffee shop that we both frequent on a regular basis. I had taken a late morning work break (which I very rarely do), and with the table layout and timing things just fell into place for formal introductions. Turns out she had been wanting to speak with me as much as I had wanted to say something to her for some time. We chatted non-stop for 2.5 hours before work obligations summoned me away (I was only intending on a 45 minute break). Phone numbers were exchanged and a fairly intense first 3 or 4 days ensued, lots of contact, texting etc., a long date the third night (starting at 5pm, ending at 3am the following morning) which included lots of physical contact at my place, laying with each other, heavy kissing and lots of touching toward the end. I walked her back to her place at just past 3am where we kissed goodnight. Then very little contact for the next few days. On the sixth day a quick meetup at her request to talk. Suddenly she is applying the brakes, says she's crappy at relationships, had a bad breakup from a 3 year LTR a few years ago, is fearful, very cautious, doesn't want to have to worry about someone else's time and feelings, the 'need' to make time etc. Says she needs space and wants to get to know each other slowly as friends. I'm sensing a little commitment phobia from her at this point (possibly due to her prior LTR experience). Like me she's very independent and self-sufficient. Anyway during that talk she also told me about a 1 year program that she's applied for, out of state (other side of the country I think), and she doesn't yet know whether she's been accepted or whether she'll even go if she was; she grew up here, her entire family are still here, and she's really close to them all (parents, sisters, cousins) and sees them whenever she can given her awkward work schedule. I told her I understood and that I would never pressure her etc., which I really wouldn't. After the talk I left things in her court, basically that she would contact me the following week to possibly get together.

 

That same day and just mere hours later I bumped into her at the coffee shop. I hadn't noticed her (my back was to the door and service counter etc.), but she tapped me on the shoulder and invited me to join her and her sister, which I did. I hadn't met her sister before. We chatted for 30 minutes or so before she had to leave for work. I sent her a quick text to thank her for her honesty earlier, as I really do appreciate that. My experience has shown that most people wouldn't be that up-front, in many cases fearful of the reaction (during the talk she was somewhat nervous and I could tell that she was scared too of my possible reaction). Anyway, I included a web link I'd promised to send and ended it with "until the next time!". Given our earlier talk I had no plans to contact her first, and I was under the assumption that I might not hear from her later on the following week either. Later that same night she sent me a text. She's having a bad shift at work, could do with company once her shift is over, and would I be home/up/not mind if she stopped by (this would be for around 1am). I replied that I didn't mind and she could stop by if she liked, which she ended up doing. We chatted for an hour and then she headed off home. I didn't hear from her again for several days and had no intention of contacting her myself. Now for whatever reason I decided, just as I would with a regular friend, to send a text hoping that her week and work had been going well. We then had a brief 3 or 4 text exchange, not about anything significant.

 

Which brings me to right now...

 

I do not wish to simply become someone's emotional crutch. A few days ago she was having a bad time at work and needed company, so she sent me a text and I went along with it. Then nothing from her for several days after that. I also don't want to put myself in a situation I'll come to regret. While I still barely know her I am very attracted to her right now and I see those feelings and emotions only growing. The first few days were spent chasing one another with equal intensity and velocity. Until a day or two ago I still thought that she found me attractive too. Maybe she doesn't, or maybe she really is just fearful of any sort of commitment and everything else that entails.

 

Something has triggered a strange emotional response in me and it would seem that I've let this person get into every facet of my being. I suddenly feel like I've been 'dumped' from a serious LTR. It's completely backwards! Why do I feel this way about someone I barely know? How is it that no matter how hard I try, my feelings trump the sensible voice in my head every time? I've felt this stuff before, I know how to control it. The problem is, I really don't! I've somehow allowed her to get into my head. Now she won't leave, and I'm having a hard time letting her. Perhaps I just need to have a talk with her, be as honest and up-front as she was with me. This all seems rather silly, to be feeling like this about someone so new and still very much a stranger.

 

Thanks for reading!

ToG

[sundone79]

I think the way you are feeling is pretty normal. It's been a while since you've even allowed yourself to like anyone. You let yourself like her, good for you! Then she rejected you. Not in a blunt cruel way. But, in a direct way. Still burns. All these other friends that you have, would you feel comfortable talking to them if you had issues or concerns regarding your friendship? She is just your friend right now. Talk to her. Don't waste your time having feelings for her if she doesn't have those feelings for you or knows she can't. I think we all know pretty early on if you like someone more than friends. Even if you know you aren't in a position to pursue anything at the moment, you know if you ever would with that person. Maybe she doesn't like you like that. Sucks. But, don't waste your time with someone that doesn't like you as much as you like them. Don't set yourself up to be hurt. Just my two cents... Good luck!

[TiredOfGames]

Thanks for reading all of that sundone. That large wall of text is not particularly welcoming! I agree, at least my brain does. Have to convince the rest of myself but just getting the details out there and having someone reply with some sense has already really helped. I've met lots of people over the past year, met a number of women I've found attractive, been on first and second dates here and there, but I guess this was my first real connection, at more of an emotional level, in a long long time. Just another of those steps back into the more serious dating world. I'll play things by ear and try not to let myself get caught up in her any further. I have some friends I can speak with, and I have, but ENA members seem to offer a greater wealth of sensible feedback. I think perhaps because there are so many experiences floating around these forums. And the additional support is next to none.

 

ToG

[Ms Darcy]

Some element may be that like attracts like. "I just haven't found the right one yet" may sometimes be "I am emotionally unavailable/commitment phobic."

[sundone79]

I know what you mean. Sometimes just writing it all down and getting it out of your head is helpful. I haven't had your experience on this forum as of yet. I've actually either no response or harsh ones. I take it with a grain of salt. I know, just like you all the history regarding our own situations. I think the biggest conclusion that I've come to lately is that I want to be really nice to me and the people that I want to keep in my life are going to be really nice to me too. Nobody is perfect, but how do people make you feel. That is what counts. Keep your chin up and don't give up hope! Your Mrs. Wonderful is out there. You have to believe it's true first for it to even be possible...