Our First Fight

[csr14]

Ok a little background on Robbie and I, we are best friends, we never quarrel and have been together for 6 months well yesterday we had our first fight and I can't make peace with it....

 

 

 

Ok, so it started out Monday, on the way home from work I called him and asked him if he would go to my daughter's open house at school with me, I told him my ex/daughters father and his girlfriend was going and that it would be fun. Well last night when I got home to pick Robbie up to go he started talking about going on a fishing trip Saturday like he did last Saturday even though he promised we would go this Saturday ( I love fishing but I'm a 9-5er and can only go on the weekends), I kinda got mad, I told him I would like to go fishing with him sometime and that it was kinda crappy he was going AGAIN without me and just leaving me at home. Anyways we were kinda into it and I told him he didn't have to go to Anna's open house with me. He was like "well you want me to" so then I asked him if he really wanted to go and he said that he knew I wanted him to so he was going. I tried to get him to stay home and we went back and forth.

 

We got home to change Anna before we went and I told him just to go inside and her and I would just go and he said if I didn't let him go he was just going to leave and go to his cousin's. So to prevent a fight I just let him go.

 

Well we get there and it's super awkward because you could tell he didn't know how to act. My ex's girlfriend didn't show up so it was Me Robbie and Alex (my ex/daughters dad). Obviously Alex and I are Anna's parent so we were the most involved. Robbie just stood over to the side and I could tell he felt uber uncomfortable. I felt sooo bad. He looked so uncomfortable and I hated that I made him feel that way. I tried so hard to include him but he just kept standing out because it was so crowded and he felt in the way.

 

So we left and he was acting way distant and weird I was like Robbie! What is wrong? I kept asking him. I was like "babe, I'm sorry but your going to have to get used to being at places like that, if we stay together your going to be a step parent" He just said "yeah", then I look over and he was LITERALLY glassy eyed, bloodshot and teary. (This guy is 6 foot 3 and looks like a mountain man, he's all man and is not the type to cry) I immediately in my head was "like OMG OMGOMG OMGOMGMGOMGOGOMG, WHAT DO I DO?!" so I put my hand on his leg and started begging him to tell me what was wrong, I asked him if it was seeing me and Alex together. He said it was a small part but he said the big part was looking at Alex with Anna and it struck a nerve because he was supposed to be doing that with his kid (He had an abortion with his ex 5 years ago and it would be around Anna's age). I still don't know if that was really the reason.

 

So then we get home and i gave him a huge hug, I was in tears because I hurt him and totally didn't mean to.

 

So then we go upstairs, Anna's tired and grumpy, I'm upset, he's upset. I get Anna all ready for bed and put her to bed. Then I go in the bathroom to wash my makeup off, during this I hear Anna crying and Robbie goes to check on her. I hear her screaming and I told her to come in the bathroom so I can talk to her, she never comes in. So I go in to see what's going on and Robbie comes out of her room with his hands up and Anna's screaming "I want you I want you".... she just didn't want anything to do with Robbie because she was in a bad mood. So I get her calmed down and then go to talk to him.

 

He was about in tears again. He told me it's just been a rough day. We start kinda quarrelling again so I just go to bed, I look at my phone and theres a text on there that says "if you want me to leave and go somewhere else tonight I will". I asked him to come in the bedroom and talk to me. He does and I tell him there will never be a point where I want him to leave, temp or long term. We had a long talk and I told him that if he was going to need out eventually to please get out now, he told me he's fine and will be fine, that it was just a bad day. He was fine this morning but I just don't feel closure, I'm so scared that he's in over his head but is trying to stick it out because he loves me, he promises me that's not the case. IF it were just he and we would be fine but it's not and that will never be the case. Anna is and always will be my number one and he knows that. I just don't know what to do, can someone say something to help me find closure on this? Thank you in advance. I"ve been hurt so much in the past, Anna's dad left us almost exactly a year ago and even though I'm over it I don't want her to go through watching another important man leave. Her dad is still around but not like he used to be and that was very hard for both of us. I fear for her fragile little heart most of all but I also fear for mine, even though a lot of my emotional pain has been self inflicted in the past I can't let myself get hurt again, I want to make sure I do what I can to stay in a good relationship with Robbie, I just need some advice bc if we breakup, I think I giveup on ever trying again and I"m young.... 24, I want more children someday and I could see myself having more with him in a few years.

 

-Sad

[BananaPeel]

What the hell made you think going to your daughters open house with your ex and his g/f there, would be "fun" for your boyfriend? You sound like a sweet person but I just can't wrap my head around this.

 

Anyway, your boyfriend seems sincere, though there's nothing anyone but him can say to bring closure to this. I think you need to end it now, or take him at his word and don't bring it up anymore.

[mhowe]

There's going to be a lot more fights and you need to learn to play fair:

 

1. You were ticked about him going fishing, so you made a huge deal out of him going/not going to the open house. Kudos to him for saying he would, and doing it because it meant a lot to you.

 

2. Clearly uncomfortable for him, and you basically tell him on the car ride home to "suck it up" --- more of this stuff in the future.

 

3. You go to bed --- and then put into your chat "if you're going to leaveme, leave me now"

 

Wow --- I am surprised it didn't turn into something much worse.

 

Life doesn't come w/ guarantees --- and this relationship is only 6 months old. Chill a bit.

[csr14]

Going and spending time with my daughter and seeing what she's been up to at school? I don't see how thats so astounding. It wasn't with them it was meeting them there but when Alex's gf didn't show up it ended up slightly awkward. If he had issue with it I wish he would have said something initially, he has a relationship with my daughter as well. I may have made a mistake asking him but it had nothing to do with my ex, it was about my daughter. He now lives with us as of a month ago. Taking him was clearly a bad idea, we established that. So in your opinion I need to end it now? Or gtfo it basically? lol

[mhowe]

Why are you running to "end it now"?

 

This is way more than an uncomfortable school thing -- and as your child has a father in the picture, there was no need for him (in a six month relationship) to be there.

[csr14]

RT mhowe:

 

Yes when I asked him to come talk to me I told him he needed to leave if he didn't think he could handle it. 6 months or not we live together and he is a big part of me and my daughters lives, and as times goes on he will only become bigger. And no I did not make a huge deal out of him not going, I could tell he was pissy about going so I told him to stay home. Yes I did appreciate him going but at that point after knowing he was uncomforatable with the idea I just wanted him to stay home.

[csr14]

mhowe: because i don't want it to go further if he feels these major red flags, and we've established that him not going was the best thing, when i invited him it was nothing selfish, I just didn't think about there being a problem, obviously there was. I told him in the future with school functions I'll put the option out there if he decides he wants to go but will never pressure him again, everything seems fine and I'm probably making something out of nothing at this point, all in all right now I just feel bad, and I wish I could say something to him to make up for making him feel that way.

[BananaPeel]

I don't think you need to end it necessarily, just act with more tact and caution. For instance..he was not being 'pissy' about going, he could see it was going to be an awkward situation and wanted to avoid it. Like I said, he seems sincere, so I'd try to just avoid it and stop pressuring him for closure.

 

How old is he? What made you two decide to live together after 6 months?

[csr14]

He's 25 years old, it was more or less a financial thing, I mean we do get along great but we were both struggling to keep our apartments. I work full time and he works full time. I was staying over with him when I didn't have my daughter and he began staying over a few months after he met my daughter, it just made sense. We got to where we at one or the other anyways. Maybe that's part of the "problem", but there hasn't been any problems at all up until last night, we literally have never had any kind of fight what-so-ever.

[csr14]

Really, I mean should I just drop it and move on? Its gonna be hard for me on the inside but if that what is honestly best I'll do it. Everything that needs to be said was said

[camus154]

This is going to be blunt:

 

You both need to grow up.

 

You're still pretty young. 20-somethings don't know squat, it's the worst age because you play the part of an adult with the mentality of a teenager. Both of you, quit with the dramatics and taking yourselves So Seriously.

 

The next time you want him to go along for something you know he's not exactly thrilled about doing, if he says he'll do it for you, then thank him and shut up about it. Don't keep going back and forth about "no, you don't have to, no, but I want YOU to want to" and all that jazz. Either be gracious that he's willing to do something he doesn't really want to do, or don't ask him to go.

 

Also, you and the ex have been apart now for a year and you're already living with another man? It's not my place to judge you here, but you talk about not wanting to break your daughter's "little heart" by putting her through more stuff, but here you are living with another guy mainly for financial reasons.

 

Think about that.

[csr14]

there's a lot of reasons, and yes your right, you don't have a place to judge. i didn't ask anyones advice about my decision to move him in to my place. Anything I've done she's been in my mind.

 

Other than that thanks for the advice.

[mhowe]

Well --- I agree w/ camus.

 

You need to put a bit more thought in what you ask him to do. The whole school go/don't go was because you were mad about the fishing. Period.

He is not the child's father and has no need to pretend that he is. He said he would do something, and he did it -- very commendable.

 

You need to drop it. You asked him for reassurance, and he gave it to you. Whether or not you can believe it is another whole can of worms.

[csr14]

I do believe it, I guess I just feel bad for upsetting him. This guy just never gets upset and it's the first time I saw it. I sincerely felt awful, but I guess sometimes feelings are gonna get hurt and thats just part of any kind of relationship.

 

Let me add that once he said he was going because I wanted him to I had no desire for him to go bc it made me feel stupid for asking him. Once I found he didn't want to be there I just wanted him to stay home. You are right though, the reason I initially said for him to stay home was because I was mad about the fishing but once I found he was uncomfortable with it I didn't want him to go for that reason.

[mhowe]

You not making sense to me. When you found out he was going because you wanted him to go --- then you didn't want him to? Why would he "want" to --- he is not the kids dad, and the dad is in the picture.

 

He was being supportive, even after you were cranky about the fishing.

He was emotional about his past --- and yet the arguing continued before bed.

He asked if you wanted him to sleep elsewhere --- as though he had done anything wrong here (I don't see where he did), and you ask him to "leave now if you're gonna leave".

 

Lot of drama....that started w/ the fishing trip.

[csr14]

I didnt realize he didn't want to go. Your right, we've established that. Him going was a bad idea, I was excited, I love my daughter, I had tunnel vision. It's not like I asked him to go to put him in misery.

 

Yes the fishing trip triggered it all but more issues arose as the night went on.

 

Where in this conversation have I said that he was wrong? I've been talking about how awful I felt, I saw he was struggling with what I have on my plate (a child) for the first time last night. And so yes, I said if you don't think you can cope now, then please figure that out before we go further. because it will hurt more in the future.

[mhowe]

He must have felt that you going to bed alone --- he'd done something "wrong" if he asked if he should leave.

 

Anyway, the "tell me now if you can't deal" philosophy is not going to serve you well.

[csr14]

That text actually came while i was downstairs working out at my apartment gym, I just didn't see it til then. I went to bed alone because we weren't communicating so I wanted to sleep and attempt it again today but after seeing that text I wanted him to know that while I didn't want him to leave last night (temporarily or permanently), I didn't want him to stay in something that he saw a huge red flag on that he would never get past.

 

I've been through a lot to get to that philosophy. To me iff it's not working, make it work, or get out because it's gonna hurt the longer you are in it and lifes too short to waste time on something that clearly won't work for you (not saying this is the case here but I feared it might be). I have a lot to handle in my life and I realize that. his attitude was so hopeless last night, and it broke my heart thats what triggered that response from me.

[mhowe]

And again, I don't get this/you.

 

He was hopeless, feeling down --- and so, it broke your heart that something you said/did/made him due got him feeling that way. Got that.\

 

Here is where I get confused:

 

So --- you told him that your philosophy is "make it work or get out" --- from one small misunderstanding. And that was going to make him feel better? How?

[csr14]

I'm telling you that's my philosophy....

 

what I said to him was something along the lines of "I will never ask you go through that (awkward school functions) again but if you can't handle me and her please figure that out now, i'd be crushed if you decide you cant handle us but it will only be harder in the future" his response to that was something along these lines "Heid, I love you, its just getting to be a lot sometimes but I can deal with it, so don't worry".

[csr14]

Ultimately, I love him and he loves me. but sometimes love isn't enough. I'm just trying to be protective of myself.

[mhowe]

But this is exactly what I mean:

 

You go from "awkard school function" to if you can't handle you/daughter -- figure it out now. Jeez.

 

Of course it's a lot -- new relationship, instant family w/ an ex hanging around due to kid.

 

I think a little more understanding of how much he has taken on might be in order.

[csr14]

I try, I really do. I asked him if there was any way I could make it easier on him. He said no and I've been thinking about it all day. I know one way is.... not to invite him to awkward fatherly functions lol. I guess this has been the first issue, which isn't bad for how much he's been around her the last 4 months.

[mhowe]

I try, I really do. I asked him if there was any way I could make it easier on him. He said no and I've been thinking about it all day. I know one way is.... not to invite him to awkward fatherly functions lol. I guess this has been the first issue, which isn't bad for how much he's been around her the last 4 months.

 

Yeah --- now you sound good! No more things her father can/will go to --- and for the record, this wasn't about her, it was about you!

[camus154]

On a lighter note....anyone else notice how the ex's girlfriend didn't show up like she was supposed to? I bet they had this very same fight