Emotional roller coaster

[xstar]

I'm sure as you guys know, the grieving/healing process is not linear and involves 5 stages:

 

1. Denial

2. Anger

3. Bargaining

4. Sadness/Depression/Sorrow

4a. Some say fear should fall here

5. Acceptance

 

According to psych literature, you really need to full go through all stages before you can fully move on. It's possible to get stuck in a stage and get better with time, but never completely heal. I'm thinking of a man who treats women poorly because someone broke his heart when he was younger (is still holding on to his anger) or a woman who never expressed her sorrow properly and avoids all relationships b/c she's afraid to get close.

 

For the past two weeks, I thought I was moving through the stages pretty well, it turns out I was just completely in denial. And now I'm the anger stage. It's so vindictive - I hate it. I hate my ex, I hate him for making me angry and I hope he's miserable and hates his life. I truly truly do. I just wish I could tell him how much I hate him and what kind of pathetic weakling he is.

 

I also hate feeling this way. I can't stand being angry and I feel like I have no control over my emotions. I generally avoid using the word hate at all costs - probably months pass between the # of times I say 'hate'. Given that, I'm sure this posts summarizes the depth of my anger.

 

What stages are you guys in? Does anyone have advice on how to deal with the different stages in a more productive manner than I'm doing now from either the current break up or the past? I really just want to move on but I can't because I'm so f'ing angry. And probably scared of letting go as well and reaching fear.

[SAButterfly]

I've definitely bounced all around the spectrum, but definitely think I'm in Anger now. I'm 4 months post breakup, and I've pretty much had daily breakdowns this past week screaming in a pillow, angry at him, God, etc. etc. I know I need to let it out, so I do (in private). He's never once reached out to me and I've only seen him a couple times in public (mutual friends) and he doesn't talk to me. I keep asking, "Why did he come into my life?" Hopefully I'll get to acceptance soon, but I know I'm going to be seeing him again this weekend.

[Fraggle]

Oh dear, sounds like you're a little angry right now?

 

I seem to flow from denial to sadness at the moment with pangs of anger thrown in. It seems to depend on how much sleep I've managed to get sometimes. The sadness comes with lack of sleep, as does the denial. Then when I'm more energetic I feel anger.

 

I'm somewhat concerned that I've not touched on bargaining yet, maybe that will come.

 

I have no real method of "coping" I just try and accept how I'm feeling at any given time and let it flow what ever emotion that might be. It is hard though when sadness strikes and you're at work, difficult one...

 

Anger can help you overcome it, but it can also push you over the edge if you act on any of your emotions, a bit like all the others I guess.

 

Deep breaths and try and focus on something else to ease the anger.....

 

 

Wuuuuuu Saaaaaaaa, wuuuuuuuu saaaaaaaa (sorry just being silly!

[xstar]

^ SAB - I know how you feel. I keep asking the same question - why did he come into my life? Why not someone else that could have made it work? Or no one at all?

[SAButterfly]

Ha, not really angry now. Just still dealing with the emotions I suppose. I think I'm over the major hurdles and have definitely accepted that we are not getting back together...but still feel the hurt and anger if that makes sense. I just want to let it all go and be able to get into my happier place again. Maybe yoga would help with that. Anyone had any success with yoga or meditation to stop the rumination?

 

Xstar, I keep trying to remind myself that maybe he came into my life so that I can better appreciate when it's the real thing. The person that won't leave me when things get tough or when he get's bored of the relationship. It's tough though, because I do not fall for people very easily.

[markie6]

What if !!! Dangerous words

 

I usually bounce between sadness and acceptance. Never seem to get very angry.

[Emma8]

I dont know where I am right now. Bordering on sadness and acceptance. I feel sad because I wanted it to work and I miss him. I feel acceptance because I know I deserve better and that after 4.5 months there is no chance of us getting back together as he wasnt good for me.

 

Sometimes I get angry, but not really angry, more frustrated that he could treat me so badly and then just walk away, move on, find someone else yet still hang around contacting me, stopping me moving on.

 

Today I am just a bit lost. Getting through the day.

[Flyers]

You just have to let the emotions come and go. Experience them, feel them and then try to let go of it. Even if this is something you have to do on a daily basis dealing with just a single emotion. Unfortunately these feelings seem to come in waves and sometimes when you're least expecting it. Just do your best. It's okay to be angry for now, but in order to heal you will have to let go of it.

 

Like Fraggle said, sometimes these emotions can be amplified by something as simple as lack of sleep. If I don't exercise most days, I get kind of analytical, worry too much and just general feel a bit out of control. The same goes for drinking too much. If I drink too much, the following day can be hell when it comes to thinking about a lost love.

 

Try to stay healthy and do things that keep you optimistic. If you have a breakdown in one of the stages, it's okay. Just get through it knowing that each day is a new day with a fresh start.

[Emma8]

Also eating properly will help you think a little clearer and be able to deal with the emotions better. I failed in this big time and didnt eat properly for about 3 weeks after BU, literally had a couple of biscuits a day. My judgement was all over the place and I eventually became ill. I am eating better now, but no where near like I used to,I used to LOVE my food. I have lost so much weight and every set back does make my eating habits worse. Im just not hungry and dont enjoy food, when Im eating, its almost because i have to now to help me think clearer.

[secondchance67]

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ spot on, I completely agree....you just have to ride the wave back to the shore, time afer time....

[Fraggle]

Ditto on the eating front, have lost nearly 10 kilos since the BU and eating is no longer a "pleasure" (bar a visit to Nandos last week). Lack of sleep, food, normal activities and processes make you feel a little disjointed which doesn't help the whole process either.

 

It is frightening how similar it is to someone dying. When my mother died I went through something similar for a 6 months and I worry that it will take me a very long time to actually accept the end of a 9 year era...

[xstar]

Ditto on the eating front, have lost nearly 10 kilos since the BU and eating is no longer a "pleasure" (bar a visit to Nandos last week). Lack of sleep, food, normal activities and processes make you feel a little disjointed which doesn't help the whole process either.

 

It is frightening how similar it is to someone dying. When my mother died I went through something similar for a 6 months and I worry that it will take me a very long time to actually accept the end of a 9 year era...

 

I'm sorry to hear about your mother, Fraggle.

 

The grieving stage are the same to those when someone dies - that's how psychologists initially started studying these.

[xstar]

Yup - healthy eating is totally important! I'm a health freak already and that much hasn't changed. In fact, since I've lost my apetite like most you guys - I've been eating pretty much salad and fruit only and have dropped the weight I've been fighting for a while. So that's a good thing.

 

I'm thinking about trying meditation but I'm really afraid to be with myself for that period of time..

[Fraggle]

Hey no worries xstar I'm of the opinion that everything we experience is sent to test us during our lives and I've had a fair bit of testing during my life this far. I'm just hoping its like interest on a loan and its front loaded testing in my life

[CaptainConfusion]

I seem to never get out of the anger stage as I don't love easily. Just when I just about reach acceptance my ex seems to make contact. One period lasted for 6 months. The other just recently. This has gone on for over 3 yrs. I think she is cruel. Tells me things like she still loves me, we should be married by now etc etc then vanishe or makes out like I'm an idiot. Does my head in. Hopefully I'm getting better at the process and will tell her where to go if/when that happens again

[Fraggle]

I seem to never get out of the anger stage as I don't love easily. Just when I just about reach acceptance my ex seems to make contact. One period lasted for 6 months. The other just recently. This has gone on for over 3 yrs. I think she is cruel. Tells me things like she still loves me, we should be married by now etc etc then vanishe or makes out like I'm an idiot. Does my head in. Hopefully I'm getting better at the process and will tell her where to go if/when that happens again

 

Really, what an unpleasant character if she appears every now and then just to stir up your emotions and then hop of again- no good at all, can't you block her in some way or form? Sounds very destructive

[GreenCupcake]

I fluctuate between Saddness/Depression/Sorrow, Fear, and Acceptance now. Before it used to be all 5 stages when I didn't really have closure.

 

But since I've had closure for a while now, I'm moving on the best that I can. My ex and I are definitely not meant to be and I came to the realization a while ago that I didn't even want him as much as I thought I did. What I wanted was to re-live the wonderful memories that we had in the beginning because they were so special to me. Those memories are what kept me hanging on for so long. A part of me feared that I wouldn't experience something like that again, and if I did it would be a long time from now. Also, I held tightly onto those memories because I knew that once I felt complete indifference towards my ex, those memories would never mean the same to me ever again.

 

Sounds pretty morbid lol. The main thing that helped me was to be realistic as much as possible. I also got in contact with my ex multiple times since the break-up and didn't really give up talking to him until he told me straight to my face that we weren't made for each other and that he didn't want to go back out with me. When someone says that to you, the only direction you can go is forward. You might trip and fall along the way, but you keep walking because you know you'll eventually have to reach your destination.

[dumPI]

Where would you include this:

 

Remembering some nice memory of the relationship, smiling for a second and start shaking your head from side to side while thinking how did it end up like this?

 

 

It's a mix of stages at once ... been there often times!

[markie6]

Where would you include this:

 

Remembering some nice memory of the relationship, smiling for a second and start shaking your head from side to side while thinking how did it end up like this?

 

 

It's a mix of stages at once ... been there often times!

I get that all the time. All the time........

[xstar]

Your second paragraph describes exactly how I feel. I'm afraid to let go - even though I know that there is a world out there for me - and don't want to move on because I don't want to lose that specialness. I guess I also feel like moving on means that I don't love them anymore, and that makes me feel a bit guilty too.

 

How long after the BU did you try to contact him?

[xstar]

Where would you include this:

 

Remembering some nice memory of the relationship, smiling for a second and start shaking your head from side to side while thinking how did it end up like this?

 

 

It's a mix of stages at once ... been there often times!

 

Al Turtle website's (which is mentioned on ENA a lot) says that it always takes two people to break up - if you partner 'blindsided' you by a break up, chances are that you didn't make them feel safe in the relationship to express their feelings (according to him).

 

Its tough to accept - much easier to say 'this is totally her GIGS/his inability to commit/so on' but after having three relationships that ended pretty much exactly the same way, I"'m startng to believe there's a lot of truth in this.

[quirky]

I think I am mostly at the acceptance stage. But I have strong fear too, forming a new long lasting relationship seems pretty unattainable. The fear is mostly linked to my age rather than him breaking me.

 

There are still many times though that it all seems unfathomable.

Or I have some crazy mood swings like I am so excited about kissing a new guy, he's so hot etc and then 5 min later I am crying over my ex.

[GreenCupcake]

Your second paragraph describes exactly how I feel. I'm afraid to let go - even though I know that there is a world out there for me - and don't want to move on because I don't want to lose that specialness. I guess I also feel like moving on means that I don't love them anymore, and that makes me feel a bit guilty too.

 

How long after the BU did you try to contact him?

 

Oh man.. We broke up 7 months ago, So two weeks after we broke up. We texted several times and even met up once (had a fallout after) and then I didn't text him for another 3 - 3 1/2 months. We were starting to be on good terms (texting here and there in December) and then we spoke on the phone in January. During that conversation, I remained civil and he was passive-aggressive. He made it seem like that was going to be the last time he talked to me and then he texted me five days later saying he wanted to stay on good terms. I didn't respond for a month. Then I texted him and we met up. We acted all lovey-dovey, he apologized for how he treated me, said all the things I wanted to hear, but then within one or two hours, he completely shifted. He started talking about other girls, how I'm a good girl, he's a bad guy, that he doesn't know what he wants, etc., etc. and then before we departed our ways, he told me those harsh words. Oh, but before he even said that to me I asked him, "You're trying to let me down easy aren't you?" and he said, "Yeah." I think if he stabbed me with an actual knife, it would have been less painful.

 

I'm doing so much better though. Thank goodness.

[xstar]

Oh man, that sounds terrible.

 

I read recently that if after a period of NC and ex is friendly and suggests meeting up, rather than meet up, you should only do so if the ex agrees to whatever it is you want - i.e. commitment and so on. If they don't, then let them know that you are not upset but you would rather not meet up under those conditions. It kind of sets boundaries.

 

If I ever get a chance to try this advice, I'll let you know how it went.

[GreenCupcake]

Oh man, that sounds terrible.

 

I read recently that if after a period of NC and ex is friendly and suggests meeting up, rather than meet up, you should only do so if the ex agrees to whatever it is you want - i.e. commitment and so on. If they don't, then let them know that you are not upset but you would rather not meet up under those conditions. It kind of sets boundaries.

 

If I ever get a chance to try this advice, I'll let you know how it went.

 

Yeah, I wish I would have done that before lol. I learned things the hard way. I really did not know what to expect when I saw him. All I knew was that I still had feelings for him. And the chemistry between us was insane when we saw each other. If he wanted to get back with me at that point, I would have said yes. But I'm very glad he rejected me because once I calmed down, I was able to see things more clearly.

 

And yes, let me know how it goes if you try it out!