Would you as a professor understand?

[starrrr]

Hello.

 

There is five weeks left of school. I was doing good for the first quarter of this semester. After spring break, which I regret not having done any school work at all because I wanted to "socialise" more because I'm feeling socially inadequate, I have fallen extremely behind.

 

Now I am very worried, because I think that a lot is on the line.

 

I am currently in an anxiety group and seeing an individual counselor once a month. I have learned some things in my anxiety group, but it has actually gotten me more anxious once I've read about some of our reading materials because I'm not quite understanding it...or its putting a lot more in my head to think about...

 

On top of all this studying that I have to do, and do have quite a difficulty with the materials...Its a normal kind of difficulty that I am just learning about them...but now that I am behind, I feel a lot more at lost and the difficulty level has increased, because I am behind and now have to play catch up.

 

I truly regret how I have not been focused and disciplined...it seems to be a big pattern throughout my school life--from middle school to now...

 

I enjoy learning, truly, i have my moments when I just love life, and then when I've "screwed" myself up I "freak out."

 

I am willing to work hard from now till the semester end, in five weeks....I am willing to put any "social activities" aside, because 1) they give me anxiety and since i'm not on top of my game in school I am not very fun to be around, and just that thought gets me feeling "blue"--and hopeless. So i think that it would be best I ignore my emotions for now and concentrate instead on studying--which i believe would make me feel better to accomplish and achieve something personally.

 

I had spend 14 months in a foreign jail the last couple years--i just came back to America and to my "life" here again last summer--I bummed at my house for 6 months, doing domesticate work at my parents home, our home, and nannying for an aunt during the week. I honestly felt like I was just going through routines at that time. I felt lonely, and just "blah" for the life I had found myself in---before "jail" i was just a struggling college kid discovering so much more about the world around me---

 

Also--my mind has been caught up with big issues like institutionalized "racism"--and I am questioning philosophically and stuff my stand in all of these. I'm reevaluating my values--i've found myself real concerned with this issues, yet find and think that others around me, immediate peers, are more concerned about having fun, doing fun stuff---or something---which i think is cool, but I can't be much fun when all I talk about is these "deep" issues...Also I don't really have any friends since entering college life the second time this Spring semester, I started this January. I've just met a few people significant ones only few, like two--one strange one who has her own issues, and one old male friend i knew from high school and have gotten closer with lately..i regret having had sex but not really at the same time--regret it because I think that I am not in a situation to be in a relationship. I could just move on from it--but emotionally I am starting to like him--but questioning it all at the same time.

 

That's what I've been thinking about lately--and emotionally feelings many things--starting to like this boy has me caught off guard--and thats gotten me all weird--like questioning myself, why i'm questioning myself--i have not been able to really concentrate on the school work before me. WHICH is the most important thing right now.

 

Now i am behind...how can i talk to my professor about this? I have not done readings and a take home exam which was due last Thursday. Its now Sunday and I have not contacted her.

 

I am worried she will think I am her, that she shouldn't have to put up with "lazy" students, but this is so important to me, that I have come back to my senses which i lost during spring break--3 weeks ago. Three weeks can really do a lot of damage in college life!

 

Do I have to tell her my life story so she can understand when I go speak to her? I am majoring in Social Work, and she has experience in working with substance abusers...i feel she is a not kind of woman which i understand but at this point..i need more time to catch up. Will she give it to me?

 

I'm thinking she won't--it won't be fair--though I am not asking for an A anymore for that class but to pass....I am embarassed. I am disappointed at myself, etc....but can i still remedy this??

 

I plan to meet with her and discuss this with her--I have scheduled meeting with my individual counselor on Thurs, which would be too late to speak with someone about this then....should i talk to someone else first? Well i am here in enotalone..thank you in advance..

[annie24]

wow. you have a lot going on.

 

i would schedule a meeting with her, privately, to tell her that you've had some major issues in your life that you are working on. obviously, spending time in a foreign jail changes people, you're not the typical american college student anymore. you've had all sorts of life experiences, and yes, i can feel the anxiety and confusion just dripping off the page.

 

first off - socializing and school - it doesn't have to be either/or. rather, you have to schedule time for it. if anything, i'd say that it's extremely important for you to make time to spend with friends, spend exercising, etc... because it will help keep you sane and calm. for example, set aside friday and saturday night for socializing. but you have to focus on school as well.

 

what is your plan to try to get a passing grade by the end of the semester?

[lilypadgirl]

I would definitely schedule an appointment to talk with the professor. She may or may not give you extensions, but it's important that you at least try and let her know what's going on.

 

You mentioned you are seeing an individual counselor. Is this affiliated with your school? Is this the same or different from an academic counselor? If it's different, I would see if there's an academic counselor or adviser you can talk to as well. Academic counselors/advisers are supposed to help you with coming up with a plan. They can also speak to your professor on your behalf if you allow it and provide another channel for support and validity.

[starrrr]

I would like to mention it to my professor, how I spent time in jail...but i think i would get place a stigma upon myself.

 

I do realize though that I am already anticipating that she would not understand--and that we all have problems/issues in life.

 

I fear having to drop out again like I did before after having experienced a truama then---this is playing over and over in my head right now and keeping me unfocused.

 

I just sat here for 30 minutes looking at a draft email to give my professor--I don't want to sound so desperate and self-centered because I realize she is just a professor to me, and I can't possibly unload my life story to her--but then again she is trained about these things as a social worker.

 

I'm just not sure just how to even format this email to her--i don't want to sound like i'm bullsh**ing her but I do want to let her know...what does this sound like? I am not use to communicating with professors, other professionals, like this....I was a student that thought I was just smart and would just cram, and never talk to professors because i would always be too afraid--and because i didn't really read and stuff--i was one of those students that did everything last minute. I've done better beginning this semester--and experiencing a major bump right now.

 

"I am sending this email to ask if I may meet with you this week before groups class on Tuesday, or earlier? I have fallen behind and wanted to let you know that I have not done the quiz yet. This is a personal problem but I wanted to discuss if I can still pass the class."

 

Thank you for everyone's response...i needed the validation..its hard I can't really tell new people where i've been...

[RedDress]

I would schedule an appointment... but... being the straight-forward type of person that I am, I really wouldn't go into all of these details. In many ways it's not her business, not her concern and the bottom line is that you should have been doing your homework and take-home exam regardless. Nothing you have really mentionned about your past really changes any of that.

 

I think you should do the take home exam and walk into her office with the exam completed. Hand it to her, ask her if she will accept it late and explain that you have been going through a difficult time in your personal life. If she won't accept the assignment (and that is her right), ask if there is some extra work that you can do for extra credit in order to make up for things. Point out that you were doing quite well in the first part of the semester and that your personal life has veered you off track since march break.

 

Where I am from, a semester is 15 weeks. If you did well for the first 4-5 and you are prepared to put your nose to the grindstone for the last 5, you should be able to make up the lost ground.

 

Don't cry over spilt milk. Try to hand her the assignment, try to make it up and let it go. What is important is NOT the past but the future. That really kind of goes for your personal life as well. Sometimes the best way to get over something is to start taking steps forward and simply stop looking at the past.

[starrrr]

My plan for her class is to do the catch up work by this weekend, and work on our following assignments on my own, and come to her office hours from now on to just ask any questions I have, and get the most I can! Just these anxieties of putting myself out there, and being vulnerable, is hard...i still question myself and my abilities, and want to just curl up and be in the dark--i want to ask for help but don't really know how i guess...so silly.

 

I realize the hardest part will be to commit, but this is important for me to pass these classes, and graduate soon...I am turning 26 this June, and my family is really counting on me...so I am willing to do just all of that.

 

I like that idea of socializing on weekend nights--the thing is yeah I have these personal issues too like I'm responsible to making sure I am fun to be around with with these "new" friends--I know my self confidence is lowered right now--but I'll do it anyway because i can't be studying all the time you're right! I just get anxious being around groups and would rather have one on one for now...

[starrrr]

Thanks for the straight forward answer!

 

Little by little...step by step....

[sophie274]

I struggled through college because of mental health issues. Most of the time, I avoided my professors and did not let them know about my issues because I was too ashamed and didn't want to be done any favors. A couple of times I got the courage to reach out to them, or the administration sort of forced my hand. Every single time, I was amazed by how compassionate and understanding they were. I never went into any meetings with them trying to make excuses or to BS my way out of something (of my many faults, being a BSer is definitely not one of them, and I think most people can see that when they talk to me), but people gave me a lot of help and some slack and second chances. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, write to your professor, meet with your professor, explain what is going on. Since there's still time left in the semester, then most likely, of course you can remedy this (I don't know to what degree). But get in touch with your professor. Don't let your shame stop you. The professor has seen way worse and will see way worse.

[chitown9]

Another option is to look at the withdrawal policy at your school. If it is still within the time frame that you can withdraw from the class, that would appear to be your best option. I say that because you seem very overwelmed at this time and it would give you a fresh start to take the class over. A poor grade will affect your GPA. A withdrawal from the class has no effect on your GPA. I would ask your prof what he/she would suggest in regards to your withdrawing from the class if you are well within the time frame to drop the class when you have the talk with your prof.

 

I totally agree with RedDress. There is no need into going into detail when you have your discussion and your prof doesn't really want to hear it anyway. I would go with RedDress's recommendations.

 

Best wishes to you....

[LonelyPast]

It sounds to me like you have a very strong sense of what you should be doing by the book so to speak. That is: focusing on school, advancing your career, finding your productive role in society. Realistically, we've all grown up knowing this is what we need to do to make it in America. At the same time, you're going through a lot of stuff in your life which is triggering a more holistic view of things. Who am I? What are my issues and how can I solve them? What do I want out of life? Where do romance and emotions play into all of this? What level of social interaction is best for me? How much do I need to fit in in order to feel comfortable with myself? To be frank, these are all much more important dilemmas to address than anything you'll ever learn in school. Answering those questions will have a lot more bearing on your future happiness. Unfortunately, rent is always due next month, you've gotta feed yourself, and you've gotta show the world how you're trying and contributing. You're going to have to balance that with self-discovery, and that's hard. Sometimes those internal questions become so pressing that you literally cannot focus until you sit down and work through the intense stuff on any given day. It happens. I'm still learning how to deal with it myself. At least your professor's field is social work. She's gotta know all the nasty ways that we humans can trap ourselves in bad spots. There might be some sympathy in there behind that tough shell, so it's worth a try. Lord knows my professors would never understand since I'm in computer science. Now there's a field loaded with people out of balance. We've got all the technical knowledge a human brain can handle, and don't know the first thing about ourselves since we're afraid to discuss our emotions. We hide behind work and video games, and go to bed lonely every night. Not all of us of course, but the stereotypes mostly hold. Frankly, it sickens me. You should at least be proud that you refuse to succumb to such a fate. You're recognizing the need in your life for socializing and pleasure, even in the face of anxiety. You just want to be a whole person, and are tripping up a little in the process of getting there. Seek balance, be honest, and go a little easier on yourself!

[OracleofDoom]

The best thing the professor could do is fail you. Quit trying to create enablers and just do the work as best you can and let the chips fall where they may. Professors have heard it all though so don't get to dramatic. If you need an extension or INC jsut say so.

[lilypadgirl]

I think you should do the take home exam and walk into her office with the exam completed. Hand it to her, ask her if she will accept it late and explain that you have been going through a difficult time in your personal life. If she won't accept the assignment (and that is her right), ask if there is some extra work that you can do for extra credit in order to make up for things.

 

Completely agree with this. If you want to show her you're dedicated to focusing on the class, you should start with having the exam completed and bring that with you to the meeting. This will make it easier for her to be accommodating rather than having to give you an extension or extra credit.

[Tia Emma]

I have had students tell me their personal stories. But I really need to be fair to the class. There are university policies in place and personal commitment to the academic environment. These thing keep the faculty member from passing you when you have not earned it. However, I have always given a lot of my time to give individual help/tutoring, to make it happen in an honest way. But I cannot help a student to cheat the university system. You can go ahead and talk to your professor. All I can tell you is try not to be too stressed. You have options.

[gingerlemon]

I think you need to reach a balance when you speak to her. First, yes I definitely think you should book an appointment with her. Then, when you speak to her you need to balance two basic elements of the conversation:

 

1) the issues you've had to deal with. As someone else said upthread, I would not go into great details. Just say that you have struggled emotionally due to difficulties that you had before starting this degree, that you are getting counselling etc and that you are addressing the issues, but that this has affected your ability to concentrate.

2) show her that you have a plan for catching up and addressing any academic short comings. Literally type up a plan if you think that's going to help. E.g., I'm going to submit X by day Y, I'm using weeks XX to catch up on literature Y, etc - whatever suits your particular circumstances, but something which shows that you are taking charge of the situation, so that if she cuts you some slack, you will in turn honour your commitments to her and the educational institution.

 

I work at at a university and in many ways I feel the same as Tia Emma. I will go to quite long lengths to mentor and support individual students as long as they show initiative and willingness to address whatever issues they are struggling with. At the same time, I have to balance individual concerns with institutional requirements and a responsibility for dealing fairly with all students.

 

On a more personal level, maybe you should try to set up three different action plans for yourself:

- one for addressing your educational progress

- one for addressing your emotional progress

- one for finding an environment where you can explore your philosophical interests and your 'life questions'

 

Good luck

[Angel Irulan]

She might think you are her, but I don't know how understanding I would be in the same position as her. You are speaking of a broad spectrum of issues and then suddenly, they are the reason you can't concentrate on your school work? I would think you were being lazy and undisciplined. And a big fat "F" on your report card might be your biggest motivator. Good luck with this. You are clearly avoidant in dealing with your stress. You need therapy, my dear, so you don't do this to yourself again, and can find more positive ways to ease your stress.

 

Angel

 

PS I don't mean this rudely, but I've taught as adjunct faculty at a professional college.

[starrrr]

Thank you for everyone's reply. This is just an update...

 

I spoke to her and she was just great...very comforting everything that she told me. Very kind soul and very helpful, but she also set the boundaries right away. I didn't tell her any details, i guess I didn't have to, she picked it up on everything---what she told me was things I have thought about--

 

This is the only thing I haven't done for this class---she has pretty much comforted me with great advice, but at the same time has challenged me..telling me if i can make the commitment to do the quiz by tomorrow, and in general how she told me that she knows I can do it...and she provided me with resources I can use to help me, like being registered with the disabilities place for possibly depression so i can legitimately get extensions, and that I should speak to other professors soon also so I cam possibly get an Incomplete for classes because its too late now to withdraw if i'm that far behind...she made sure I wasn't a danger to myself..

 

She did a real good job gauging the severity and genuineness of my situation...yes i'm being lazy, etc, but there's more to it than just that--its that "self-hatred" pattern instilled and internalized by me since i was young, i'm starting to learn from my group sessions---she said no one is putting pressure on me, not her, my classmates, etc..but its all coming from me.

 

And she was just right and spot on with everything she said--its probably obvious and she's come upon others like me as a social worker. I'm not saying anything as an excuse but as an explanation? And I am telling myself that I will push myself forward--

 

Hardest thing i guess is just when i need help i don't know where to run to......or i have self questioning issues etc...i use to have a "Grand" idea about myself--when i was on top of things...now I realize how much i don't know...and its hard for me to admit them for some reason, and I am embarrassed by them...

 

I don't realize how much I have trouble with everything--i am smart sure, but not that smart--i struggle...and tend to really critic myself a lot...

 

anyways I have till tomorrow to do it. I didn't get much sleep last night because I was up studying...its 1030pm and i have a lot to do...

 

I guess a lot of it has to do with avoiding over criticizing myself to the point I feel like complete sh*t. And then i get all hopeless...and i get that numb feeling...and that draining physical sensation like when you've realized you've done something really horrible...and i get paralyzed...

 

And i just want to cry..

 

I'm learning now to let it out, and then to keep focus on thinking straight--so i can problem solve out of my situation see what i can still do and do it--like keep going to class no matter what--keep focus, pay attention, and just do the work!

 

It's so simple yet hard when you kinda hate yourself---i'm learning to love though...i've externalized that love before, i mean that I would love others, show great compassion to others and strangers, but then hate myself.....

 

I'm learning about nonviolent communication....but at this point i guess its really pushing me and i think like of my past...and i get in this "mourning" stage, and self admonishing...etc...

 

And all at the same time continue living--getting up, being with people, around people, interacting, and trying not to be in my own lil world anymore....

 

God bless you all going through anything--lets all remember to give him our worries, and thank him...

 

It's all a balance right.....

[gingerlemon]

That's great that the meeting was so constructive! She sounds excellent. And well done for going there and breaking that barrier.

 

Hardest thing i guess is just when i need help i don't know where to run to......or i have self questioning issues etc...i use to have a "Grand" idea about myself--when i was on top of things...now I realize how much i don't know...and its hard for me to admit them for some reason, and I am embarrassed by them...

 

I don't realize how much I have trouble with everything--i am smart sure, but not that smart--i struggle...and tend to really critic myself a lot...

 

What you describe is totally normal, and part of most people's growth. It's painful, definitely. But realising how much you don't know and breaking down the youthful 'sure of myself' stage is something A LOT of people experience while they are in college, and in the long run I think it makes them into better people: you become a bit more humble, you questions things at a more fundamental level, and you explore more opportunities for learning and growth. So I think that's a blessing, even though it's hard work emotionally.

 

Is there a counselling service at your uni? Maybe that could give you some support as you're working this through.

 

Now make sure you get that quiz done

[starrrr]

Thanks gingerlemon for the contructive advice you've given! I did the quiz at 5 am this morning! I'm not proud at all for having done it so late, but that I was able to do it....even imperfectly. I found my thought process was more in different levels, not just on the quiz and specifically the individual questions to where I think way too much into it....and to just trust in myself and the answers I put in. And I thought to myself if i'm wrong then at least I can get an oppurtunity to get corrected and learn some more...

 

Again thank you for taking the time. God Bless.

 

I did have a question on your suggestion about developing an action plan, can you give me what would one for "finding an environment where you can explore your philosophical interests and your 'life questions'"....sounds like a great place, where can that be? I'm imagining just a great group of people at a coffee shop....where are these people!

[gingerlemon]

To the bold: Exactly. This is a great attitude. And this is basically how we learn in life - from mistakes and from our experiences.

 

Regarding your question: yes, I also think the ideal place is a coffee shop with some friends! Those people can be hard to come by, but take good care of them when you find them. If you want to go looking more actively, I would suggest student societies of your choice (when I studied, there were student societies for everything - philosophy, politics, religion, environmentalism and so on), or a book club, or an internet forum that's dedicated to some of the topics you're interested in... or maybe there are other interesting groups or meeting places locally? If you're in a not to small town, there will probably be a lot of different venues that could be interesting. Voluntary work is another way through which I've met some interesting people.

 

Good luck

[LonelyPast]

Might I suggest link removed?

[starrrr]

Thank you for the suggestions! link removed is interesting.....not sure if i'll have the guts to actually meet up one day with a group, but there were some that peaked my interest and hopefully one day, maybe....

 

But its interesting how I am here at this "urban" huge university, with around 40,000 students around me during the day, yet can still live a lonely existence...

 

I am sure it can be solved by initiative, positive attitude, and money to socialize...lets face it...the latter I do lack and need to find people into free stuff!! And also get a job..to be practical..ideal is just to study and learn, learn, learn, as my job..

 

But its strange to me how hard it can be to find a "group" to be a part of...its takes a lot from me personally to be open..and vulnerable..and be myself--

 

I'm afraid of the let downs, yet i do think.."so what?" there'll be other ones...assuming i will be turned down...

 

Why would I be turned down? Because these people just want something from each other and I really don't have anything to give back..ie connections, networks, etc...

 

What can i offer? i guess there are some things I just have to think about....

[gingerlemon]

I think you might be over thinking it a bit. In general, students want to socialise and meet new people, and they want to socialise without spending too much money. Just put some initiative and work into it for a while. IME, it takes about half a year to build up a social base when you enter into a new environment. But I'm sure you can do it