Don't want to pressure my BF for sex!

[Moontiger]

Ok, I'm in a bit of a unique situation.

 

I started seeing my BF in late October (we meet at a Halloween party) we got intimate a few months into the relationship. He is very attentive to my needs but, I have a higher sex drive than he does. Its not really HIM though, he takes a medication the effects his ability to get hard and/or orgasm. There have been nights when he has told me, "It just not going to work tonight." Or, "Can we just cuddle tonight?" (in a very sweet almost sad voice) I have always reassured him when that happens (because he will start apologizing for it and going on about how he is super attracted to me) that I understand. I even joked once, "I'll only start to worry when you don't want to cuddle."

 

I know a lot of you will say that he should try a different medication or adjust how much he is taking. I think in the future that is a possibility but not right now. What he is on is working for him and his mental health is more important to me than anything else.

 

What I am worried about is whether I am unintentionally pressuring him for sex. We both like to make sex jokes and this usually leads me to telling him subtly (and sometimes very bluntly ) that I want to have sex that night. What I have noticed is that sometimes when I tell him that he get nervous, sometimes very much so. I know its because he is never sure if his equipment will work that night or not and he can be very embarrassed when it doesn't work.

 

I guess what I am asking is, how can I make my needs known without pressuring him? Should I back off a bit and let him initiate more?

[hopeful21]

just have him finger you or something. or have him take viagra. or have him eat a lot of watermelon (that is the natural viagra)

[Moontiger]

As I stated in the post, "he is very attentive to my needs." That is not the issue I am asking about.

 

He has tried viagra in the past and it didn't work for him. Also not the issue I am asking about.

[90_hour_sleep]

maybe you could have a frank conversation with him. express exactly what you've expressed to us. maybe you could develop some sort of non-verbal cues that allow him to ''opt out'' without having to verbalize. something simple enough that you can recognize it.

 

will him understanding your needs change his sex drive?

[LDRohnos]

Is he on depression/anxiety medication? Many of those tend to have adverse affects to the general saluting.

 

Anyway, while this may seem a little less romantic, plan day(s) of the week when you'll engage in sexual intimacy. It might make him a little more comfortable since he can mentally prepare himself (or physically) rather than the more spontaneous route. He can also alter his medication on those days so they aren't affecting him as much by taking it earlier or whatever...depends on the meds.

 

We're all sexual creatures, some more than others. Pressuring someone to give more than they're able isn't good but at the same time, you need your needs met. You have every right to express your needs to him, it's much more productive than not saying anything because you're afraid of "pressuring" him. Just take some steps to remedy the situation. Some of the suggestions above might work, but obviously you might need a little more transparent way of doing this, since your sex drives aren't exactly lining up.

 

I wouldn't back off, instead I'd try to productively address the issue with possible solutions. It's up to him if he wants to take them and it's up to you to be patient for him.

[Fudgie]

Sounds like he is on a SSRI. I am too.

 

It used to affect my sex drive immensely but now I take another antidepressant with it so it doesn't lower my sex drive. Does wonders.

 

I wouldn't tell him to necessarily change his meds, but if it's becoming a more serious relationship, why not talk to him about just talking to a doctor about OPTIONS. No obligation, ya know?

 

My perspective is that it's the 21st century that there is a plethora of medical options out there. Far too many people suffer side effects when it's very possible that they may not have to.

[Silverbirch]

Yes, I think it would probably be best to back off. More importantly though, having been there, done that, I think you need to consider the possibility that his sex drive won't ever increase and whether you still want to be with him. Please don't misunderstand my intent - I'm not advising to leave him. Just saying you might need to accept him as he is and whether you could adjust yourself so you don't become unhappy about his lower sex drive. Sorry no easy answers.

[Moontiger]

Thank you all for your great replies! He is on an anti-depressant that I can never remember the name of, lol. We have discussed him getting on a different med but since what he is on is working for him we both feel very nervous about him switching. He gets panic attacks (I have only seen him have one when he forgot to refill his prescription) the other thing is, 10 years ago when he was 19 or 20...he tried to commit suicide.

 

I don't know the details. It come up randomly very early in the relationship. We were talking on the phone and I made some joke about a mental institution. He said, "I had to spend some time in one of those." He said it in a tone were I wasn't sure if he was joking or not. When I asked he said he wasn't joking, I then asked why he had been there and for how long (over-night observation) and the reason was because he had slit his wrists. I thank him for trusting me enough to tell me this and then let the subject drop because he was clearly very uncomfortable. Neither of us has brought it up since.

 

Other important detail, he often uses his fingers, mouth, or the vibrator we bought together on nights when he is having trouble. So my needs are meet but I just really like having sex with him! Lol.

[Moontiger]

Yes, I think it would probably be best to back off. More importantly though, having been there, done that, I think you need to consider the possibility that his sex drive won't ever increase and whether you still want to be with him. Please don't misunderstand my intent - I'm not advising to leave him. Just saying you might need to accept him as he is and whether you could adjust yourself so you don't become unhappy about his lower sex drive. Sorry no easy answers.

 

Thank you so much for your reply. On ENA I think people are for to quick to jump ship from relationships when the sex is a relationship doesn't live up to fantasy standards. Sex is an important part of a relationship, I just happen to think other parts are for more important (of course if you are not having sex at all that's a big problem). He is open with me about his problems in the bed room, we don't blame each other, he treats me great, has a wonderful sense of humor, just has a tone of great qualities.

 

Interesting my current situation is much better then it was with my last BF. I can have sex on average once a day (skipping a day here and there) but my ex BF wanted sex twice a day, every day. I just could not do that! I'd much rather be in the situation I am currently in.

[itsallgrand]

Does he have a plan though for getting off the meds? Permanently?

 

If he doesn't by this point, I'd figure it is safe to say you will be dealing with this for the length of your relationship (or at least with no foreseeable ending of it in sight).

 

He is a young man. This is a choice. There are all sorts of treatments for panic and anxiety that do not include meds. It's possible he likes the current situation. Hear me out please. Benefits: you will dote on him. He can opt out or not be in the mood, and never have to deal with simply saying "I don't want to." There is less pressure for him. You do more work, and expect less. He continues with the sexual teasing, jokes, but expects you to be able to switch it off and not want sex with him after that?

 

You might be thinking I am just being some sort of insensitive witch. But if your sex life is decided by his issues, or fear of his issues resurfacing, that ain't right. You can't be walking around on eggshells for fear that he might feel bad, or that he'll end up having an anxiety attack, or end up back in the hospital. He was in the hospital 10 years ago. These issues should have been addressed by now. And if they haven't - why not? That is what I am asking you think about. Isn't great sex all about being able to RELAX and just ahhhh experience each other and communicate freely and learn about each other even when it is, yeah, scary and sensitive stuff.

 

I'm not saying leave him, give him an ultimatum, pressure him. I'm saying maybe you need to think about how sound the idea of accommodating this with no end or 'deal' in sight is. Even if you were to be happy with the sex and the amount of it, even if it's a relief to you to not feel pressured for sex like you might in some other relationships, isn't there some balance to be achieved without anyone having to stuff down their needs?

 

You asked how to not pressure him, and I guess this doesn't answer that. Because I think he needs some coaxing. If it becomes all about babying him, there may come a time when you stop seeing him as a sexual equal.

 

I really do think this is convenient, too convenient, for him. Sex when he wants it and never when he doesn't, and meds for the anxiety, and how will he ever get better?