2 months later, I still miss him so much.

[sandrawg]

It's been 2 months since my blindside breakup, where I thought things were good, and he broke up with me, wanting to be "friends" and I said no. I have not seen him since then. We've had minimal email correspondence that was initiated by me. I've mainly stayed in NC.

 

I'm kind of seeing this guy I met on a dating site..it's nothing serious. I see him once a week, and we sleep together, but..we just don't have the chemistry I had with my ex. He doesn't call me or text me like crazy, like my ex did. So..I don't even think he's THAT into me.

 

My ex, meanwhile, has been in touch with a mutual friend and doesn't sound happy. He says his life is difficult and that his brain won't let him be happy.

 

I have poetry my ex wrote me in my inbox. I still have all of our chat messages. I can't bring myself to delete them. I thought I was getting over him, but I'm not. Today I realized we exchanged 600 chat and/or email messages over 6 months. Can you believe that? That's about 100 messages a month. Plus phone calls, and all the time we spent together...and he just bailed on all of that. When will I get over this? I'm fighting the urge to tell him I miss him, but...the only thing he wrote back to me when I DID correspond to him, was me wanting more of an explanation for what happened. He gave me one, and it was all "it's not you, it's me" type stuff.

 

I didn't think I wanted him back but now that more time has passed, I just miss him more, and I don't want to.

[FreeFallFeelin]

I've noticed several of us that are in a similar time frame from breaking up, have had this similar feeling. As the permanence of the loss is setting in, it really hits you that you probably won't ever see, or at least have a meaningful connection, with the ex ever again. Instead of relief as time goes on, the pain actually changes into something new. I believe this is the acceptance phase.

[sandrawg]

I hope that is true. That would be comforting. Right now, it hurts worse than ever.

 

And I have plenty of other guys interested in me-you'd think I could just move on. But all I can think about is him.

 

I've noticed several of us that are in a similar time frame from breaking up, have had this similar feeling. As the permanence of the loss is setting in, it really hits you that you probably won't ever see, or at least have a meaningful connection, with the ex ever again. Instead of relief as time goes on, the pain actually changes into something new. I believe this is the acceptance phase.

[sandrawg]

Isn't it true that 2 months is about the mark also where the dumper starts to feel the loss of the relationship, as well? Or so people have claimed, on here..

[triste0508]

I've noticed several of us that are in a similar time frame from breaking up, have had this similar feeling. As the permanence of the loss is setting in, it really hits you that you probably won't ever see, or at least have a meaningful connection, with the ex ever again. Instead of relief as time goes on, the pain actually changes into something new. I believe this is the acceptance phase.

 

that is true friend !! I am in my 2 months and a week or so ....today I received a txt from her ...the pain is almost gone ...instead of feeling in love, confused and angry ....to be honest I feel sorry for them !!!

[FreeFallFeelin]

There are no rules, no schedules to healing. I thought by now I'd be well on my way to being indifferent. But last lately I've felt like I cycled back to an earlier phase. It really sucks!

 

You never know what the dumper is going through. Most likely, based on what dumpers have written here for us, the ex is feeling relief and moving forward at a much faster rate. They had time to prepare themselves for the BU, after all.

[sandrawg]

I think I am still in love with my ex.

 

that is true friend !! I am in my 2 months and a week or so ....today I received a txt from her ...the pain is almost gone ...instead of feeling in love, confused and angry ....to be honest I feel sorry for them !!!

[triste0508]

I think I am still in love with my ex.

 

are you going to any therapy ?? it helps a lot hun !!!

[sandrawg]

Yeah, but my mutual friend says my ex seems miserable. I don't think he's quite moved on - he's told my friend nothing new is going on in his life and insinuated he's not happy.

 

There are no rules, no schedules to healing. I thought by now I'd be well on my way to being indifferent. But last lately I've felt like I cycled back to an earlier phase. It really sucks!

 

You never know what the dumper is going through. Most likely, based on what dumpers have written here for us, the ex is feeling relief and moving forward at a much faster rate. They had time to prepare themselves for the BU, after all.

[sandrawg]

No. Working out and swimming at the gym, and my career are my therapy

 

are you going to any therapy ?? it helps a lot hun !!!

[OldSoul86]

It sounds like the information your mutual friend is feeding you is keeping you stuck right now Sandrawg. Maybe you should consider asking your friend to stop telling you about your ex. It is only going to keep you informed and slow down your healing. If you do not wish to reconcile then talking to your mutual friend about your ex is simply wasted time because it is only making you stew in your feelings.

[secondchance67]

sandrawg,

 

If you think you are still in love with your ex, please reconsider the relationship that is growing with the guy you are casually dating.

 

You have first hand experience with the old " lets be friends instead" routine; please don't hurt this person and force them to go thru any pain because of your leftover feelings for your ex......IMHO, you should at least explain to the new guy that you have had a set back, and need a little time to get your head together.

 

This way, you aren't ending it, not yet anyway, but since its a "once a week thing" it will give you the much needed space to really think about whats going on in your heart and in your mind....insuring that if you do decide to continue with the new guy, you got yourself "in check", so to speak.

 

Be careful with your heart....you are fresh out of that breakup, and I know all too well that the comfort of another, however fleeting, can be a major attraction...like a moth to a flame, you can't help it; you want that feeling of being "wanted"...that honeymoon phase, all of it...your heart wants those feelings back....and your brain wants that chemical rush its been hooked on for so long back too.

 

2 months is NOTHING.

 

Give yourself a break, identify your true feelings, and make the appropriate decisions based on the outcome of the soul searching you must do right now.

 

Take care of your heart - don't put it into a "no win situation" over the past ; the old e-mails, the poetry, all of it.....do what you've seen offered as advice here a 100 times - delete that stuff, or it will keep you anchored to the past...and to the pain, for as long as you go back thru that catalog of 600 messages......its time to stop living in the past, looking over your shoulder for someone who isn't there....look straight ahead, as you have been, towards a brighter tomorrow with endless possibilities......

[Jacksonsmith]

Sun it is okay emotions are alright! I miss my ex occasionally especially when birthdays come up or I hear a song but I would never take her back because she was the one who jumped into a relationship right after she dumped me. Sun be tough and try to keep smiling everyday!

[soybeans]

I've noticed several of us that are in a similar time frame from breaking up, have had this similar feeling. As the permanence of the loss is setting in, it really hits you that you probably won't ever see, or at least have a meaningful connection, with the ex ever again. Instead of relief as time goes on, the pain actually changes into something new. I believe this is the acceptance phase.

 

For me, during the first month I still felt attached even though we were complete NC. I felt that if he came back, we could still work. We could "pick up where we left off" because it was still so fresh. But now, as I'm entering the third month, I see that it's just too far along now. If he came back (highly unlikely) we would have to rebuild everything and it shouldn't have to be that way. It would probably take a lot of effort on both of our parts. I guess in some situations it could work but for me it would be like taking a shower and putting back on my dirty clothes. And too much damage has been done to my trust to think about trying again. There's no point.

 

But luckily I don't have to worry too much since I know he has moved on and is gone for good. Eh.

[markie6]

Coming up to 3 months still the same as day 1 but it did drag on a month of contact too long. Heading for therapy soon , we're not robots and I always take time to mourn the loss

 

We're not alone on feeling like this

[secondchance67]

Coming up to 3 months still the same as day 1 but it did drag on a month of contact too long. Heading for therapy soon , we're not robots and I always take time to mourn the loss

 

We're not alone on feeling like this

 

Sad double standard...or ex's are allowed to behave like feeling-less machines all they want, but we cant....that , in a word, s ucks

[markie6]

I want to heal and move on like loads of us. Can't even seem to get angry , all emotional triggers around the house removed, photos of pc , no social media mind meltdowns. She is 2000 miles away and even that's not helping. I am only 30 days nc so the delay in going cold turkey might have put me behind.

[OldSoul86]

Sad double standard...or ex's are allowed to behave like feeling-less machines all they want, but we cant....that , in a word, s ucks

 

People who take time to mourn the loss (dumper or dumpee) generally are the more healed person over time. If a person does not spend enough time working on themselves after a breakup they will most likely end up with even more emotional baggage because they moved on too quickly. The way I see the issue is black and white. If you spend more time working on yourself and fully healing you are not only benefiting yourself, but your future partner as well because you are no longer hurt by your previous relationship. If you move on too quickly then you run a serious risk of falling into a cycle of relationship jumping to try and suppress your emotional baggage. Trying to fill a void with someone new is selfish, and ultimately emotionally unproductive because the person who never works on their issues may always carry them around and cause harm to others as a result.

[Ms Darcy]

I want you to imagine something. Imagine you are your ex and your current guy is you. I think this ache for your ex is what your ex was feeling towards his former partner. Your relationship was three month, a rebound, intense .... it's a recipe for a guy using you to get over an ex.

 

He did not really love you. 600 messages? Sounds a little desperate from him to me. And now he is unhappy because now he has to deal with the loss of that relationship.

 

It sucks to care about someone who doesn't feel the same way. Eventually trying to distract yourself doesn't help - neither with "intense" relationships or "lackluster" ones. Give yourself time to accept it, to let him go, and to search in earnest again.

[sandrawg]

Hmm..it was basically 6 months, but you raise a good point. I so do NOT want to face that possibility, tho--the possibility I was just a rebound.

 

I just don't understand why, if my ex was still into his previous ex, he pursued me so heavily. I'm not pursuing the new guy I've been dating. It's been very casual. I don't feel that I'm leading him on in the slightest.

 

If he doesn't contact me for a while, it doesn't bother me. Whereas, if my ex didn't hear back from me, or I didn't return his call, it seemed like he would panic.

 

And I don't even GET how my ex could've been so into a girl who didn't give him the time of day. She treated him like cr*p, really. I guess it's not logical.

 

 

I want you to imagine something. Imagine you are your ex and your current guy is you. I think this ache for your ex is what your ex was feeling towards his former partner. Your relationship was three month, a rebound, intense .... it's a recipe for a guy using you to get over an ex.

 

He did not really love you. 600 messages? Sounds a little desperate from him to me. And now he is unhappy because now he has to deal with the loss of that relationship.

 

It sucks to care about someone who doesn't feel the same way. Eventually trying to distract yourself doesn't help - neither with "intense" relationships or "lackluster" ones. Give yourself time to accept it, to let him go, and to search in earnest again.

[italiannmf24]

From personal experience, holding onto previous messages/conversations you two had will simply limit the healing process. In a way, you're still letting the past define you because you can still see it, read it, etc. and that's allowing you to miss him more and more.

 

The day that my recent ex broke up with me, I did it all. Removed the relationship on Facebook, deleted all of our pictures both on Twitter/Facebook, off my laptop, and from my phone. Deleted all the notes she left me on my phone, deleted all the text conversations, and threw away Valentine's Day and other presents she got me THAT night she broke up with me. I made sure that there was absolutely no trace of her in my life. I also blocked her on Facebook/Twitter simply for my own benefit of not getting updates on her. I suggest you do the same.

 

When I look back, I can only look back on memories, not concrete materials that still lie around. Remember, it's not being harsh, it's necessary in order to propel and quicken your healing experience. Don't look at it in the light that "But, what if he comes back? I won't have anything that he gave me left and he'll be angry at me." That's not the case at all. That's just saying that you're waiting on something to happen - which it may, but on the other hand, is more likely NOT to happen. Simply remove hope of him coming back and add hope of a brighter future without him. It's tough, but WORK ON YOURSELF. That's the best advice anyone here or anywhere can give you right now. It's about you right now, not him.

 

Cheers.

[sandrawg]

I don't even know how to delete 600 chat IMs and emails..

 

I just can't bring myself to do it. We had such a deep connection and his words meant so much to me. Photos..sure, I can delete. But his words...that is much harder.

[markie6]

Sandrawg , try and work out how to back them up to pc , then onto disk , then off your pc. I know exactly what you are feeling, having a whole relationship of texts and photos on a smartphone ( not so smart now is it ) probably like me. Those conversations, like photos and visual reminders need to be moved out of sight. Like me , right now you don't want to delete, that is ok for now. Try and back them up and stick them somewhere else so they aren't within arms reach

[gemsyv]

I don't even know how to delete 600 chat IMs and emails..

 

I just can't bring myself to do it. We had such a deep connection and his words meant so much to me. Photos..sure, I can delete. But his words...that is much harder.

 

And thats what they were, words!!! I'm such a big believer in actions speak louder than words. I literally had thousands of Instant messages from my ex on my phone that I deleted the day after we split. It broke my heart to do but it was his actions that I needed not his words. Anyone can say nice things but being by your side is the true test of how much they 'actually' do love you!

[sandrawg]

I know you guys are right. I just don't understand why, this 2 month mark is so hard. It feels like it did when he first broke up with me.