Caring About People that Matter is a Problem--?

[MadxMythMadame]

Last night, I was talking to my boyfriend about a close friend of mine and his girlfriend problems - that he's starting to drink quite a bit and I can't really hang out with him all the time, drinking. Fun, but sometimes, it's nice to be sober. Anyway, he told me that's just a guy thing - they drink, let it go, and move on. I think that's total bull, but whatever. I mentioned that it was kind of stressing me out because I'm worried. I've always been a worried-wart and the kind of friend that help any way I can if I feel that it's really needed. Plus, the guy wants to hang out all the time. He told me that I have a problem if I'm stressing over other people's problems.

 

I don't think it's a problem. I don't stay up all night contemplating thinking about other people's problems. He told me that I need to talk to a psychiatrist about this and that its not healthy to be stressed over people's problems, and that I should rely on helping people to feel useful because "useful" isn't an emotion. -- I took offense to it, but started balling... It was weird because I can't figure out why I was crying so much. I haven't had a panic attack like that in a long time - I consider myself a strong person that has worked out a lot of my self-esteem issues out when I was in school. I mean, I get what he means about "useful" not being an emotion. He told me I should be happy with just myself - I shouldn't rely on other for that kind of satisfaction. I was upset and told him that I didn't have that may problems and that I like helping people I care about with theirs. His reaction was, "So you pull yourself in that kind of stress? Why would you do that?"

 

I don't know if I meant it, but that's what I said - and I don't know what to make out of anything of this. I can't tell if it's a problem, or I'm just over-reacting like a crazy person. I just care about people that matter in my life. It's probably bad that I do carry grunges, and worry about other people's problems, but I'm human. I'm a pretty maternal person -- Is there something wrong with that?

 

I just want answers, not critiques of my boyfriend - he is a good guy that's looking out for me. It's just that we don't see eye-to-eye on a few things, and sometimes, he really sucks at just comforting me and telling me later about it -- he's a guy like that. My "emotions are too complex" for him, which I get. He's a lot more black-and-white.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

There are some people who are more compassionate than others. Forget about trying to make him understand...he doesn't get it. I know people like that who, even though they are helpful to others who need help, keep their emotions completely out of it. It is like they go through the motions of helping but are emotionally disconnected from it all.

[bulletproof]

I wonder if perhaps your boyfriend just doesn't want to talk about other people negatively, in general. I have known people like that, who view it as gossipy and not really stemming from actual concern, but from the allure of drama. He may just be a minimal-drama kind of guy. Maybe before you're about to tell him anything like that, you think twice and if it's negative or overly analytical about your friends, save it to talk about with other people.

[thejigsup]

I used to be like you, I took people's problems to heart. Now, I will do that where it is appropriate, but not in all cases. The fact that you reacted do emotionally to your bf's statements tells me that you just may be a tad over emotional. I doubt that you need professional help, though. Just keep a little more distance from people's problems. You can actually give them better advice and help that way.

[Batya33]

I used to be like you, I took people's problems to heart. Now, I will do that where it is appropriate, but not in all cases. The fact that you reacted do emotionally to your bf's statements tells me that you just may be a tad over emotional. I doubt that you need professional help, though. Just keep a little more distance from people's problems. You can actually give them better advice and help that way.

 

Totally agree- worrying is a waste of energy - either take action if appropriate (meaning no unsolicited advice or telling someone what they already know) or keep the distance -that way if the occasion arises to give advice you won't be reacting from that worried, anxious mindset.

[MadxMythMadame]

Hm, I do have a problem when being idle about things, especially when any close friends are in a pickle. I would much rather do something to make them feel better, or help find a solution. Then again, I should be a little more distant from these kinds of situations. My friend and I are very close and I've known him most of my life, so I guess it tends to get personal when something happens -- I really do want the best for my close friends and I think I get attached because it's hard to find people I genuinely trust, so I become more protective, which in a sense blinds me.

 

My boyfriend isn't a very compassionate guy when comes down to it. He's very direct, black-and-white kind of guy, which I love about him because he doesn't give me BS, and just tells it to me straight. I'm so emotional-attached I've always figured I don't need something like me. Because I'm this way, I probably shouldn't trust my first reaction? I'm terribly analytical and it's hard for me not to be. I'm a maternal perfectionist? I want to make sure things are fine before I leave, as long as its something I care about.

 

How should I ease on being a perfectionist? I'm a very work-orient person, so I tend to like a system and if I'm off the path - it's fine, I'm resourceful, but when it's not work and it's about other people, feelings, wishy-washy, ETC. I'm terrible -- I'm all about finding a solution to everything, which I think is some-what the problem. I don't like leaving things undone. What's a good little niche I can do to make me okay with a problem that seems almost unsolvable by me?

 

BTW, thank you for all the responses. Yeah, I'm pretty emotional person and really want to work on it. Believe it or not, I used to be worst. Again, thank you

[Batya33]

Think about it -since you want the best for your friends and being too protective won't be the best thing for them I;m sure you can channel all that energy into finding a more effective approach!

[Silverbirch]

Hi MMM,

I can think of several men I know who would have reacted pretty much like your husband -that isn't meant to be a criticism of either them or you. I probably don't stress as much about friends in general as you have about your friend, but I do think that I am emotionally different to the men. I would say that the men, including the man in my life, are much more pragmatic than I am. I'm definitely more emotional than them, and probably they have much stronger boundaries than I have.