Ex is seeing somone :(

[Emma8]

Found out at the weekend that my ex is seeing someone who he works with. really struggling to accept this. he has worked there when we were together so my reaction is to think was it going on behind my back? something?

 

When we were together he was emotionally and verbally abusive. We broke up 4 months ago and he is still contacting me. 3 weeks ago he was at my house saying 'goodbye' which he has done so many times by txt. kissing cuddling me etc. He txts or calls every few days. Never wanting me back, but just making me think of him. I know he misses me and still loves me.

 

So. I found out he was seeing her and got really upset. He saw me collapse to floor crying. The pain was unbearable and I couldnt breathe. I have gotten angry now with him and telling him I hate him and to leave me alone. Saying how I cant believe he has done this as one min he is telling me I am the 'one' and the next he apparantley has someone else.

 

Since then he has been apologising and that he never meant to hurt me and how he cant stop thinking about me. Saying sorry and that he thinks he may regret his decision to break up with me.

 

I think he is doing this because he thinks Im off out for drinks with someone soon (im not), and I know he will txt again and maybe he is txting because it’s a jealously thing nothing more. Even though its ok for him to have a girlf….! Ridiculous.

 

I know youre going to say change my number. Probably putting myself through more pain and I know Im an idiot but I cant do it yet. Im not ready. I know when Im ready and Ill just do it. But changing my number isnt going to get the thoughts of them from my head. I just keep picturing him with her.

 

I just have no idea what is really going on with this 'girlf'…I mean he is txting me all the time whilst apparantley seeing her – she cant be that great, otherwise I wouldn’t hear from him. In a way it makes me feel better, but I don’t know what he is saying to her…I think he is using her to force himself to move on. But there again, surely if he stills loves me, he wouldn’t be with her? Cant get it out of my head…I really want to know (altho it will kill) what he is actually like with her? Is he saying BS to her? Or genuinely does like her and is just really confused as he wants to move on with her but has me still in his head.

 

Has anyone been in this position and finding it difficult to cope?

[Circe]

Look, I've been on the dumpee side of a r'ship where the guy kept stringing me along while moving on himself and treated me like crap, if that's what you mean? Yes it was really, really, really hard to cope and I don't think I "coped" at all.

 

All I can say with certainty is that he does not love you. Whatver it is that he feels, it is NOT love for you. We simply do not act this way towards people we love. Yes, life is complicated - but it is a SIMPLE truth that we do not act this way towards people we love. Not unless you have a very twisted understanding of the word "love" (an understanding you do not want any part of).

 

Is this guy really someone you want to be the father of your kids some day? For me it was that question that made it clear the answer was no. "Coping" still didn't come easy. But you have to at least accept this guy is no good for you and you do need to be free of him.

[Emma8]

He says he loves me too much and that the amount of love he has for me has made him act like he has. Very insecure and jealous and horrible etc.

 

How did you cope knowing they were seeing someone else? How long did it take you to accept and be free of it?Imagination going crazy. Is he really missing me? or just saying that as he feels like he losing control. I feel like i have the control more now so maybe that is why he is being all nice. Ugh he is so confused and so confusing.

 

I wish I could turn off my love for him and accept that he is just a * * * * who doesnt care about me at all. Why on earth do I love him so much and want him back!!!! Especially after he has now been with someone else.

[FallenAngel26]

Just as Circe said, that person clearly doesn't love you.

 

I've been there before, pining over a girl for 3 years thinking that she was the one. However, today I see that she did not wanted to be loved by me or have anything to do with me.

 

Take some time, do something active and new to shake off these feelings of desperation and neediness. After a breakup, it's absolutely normal to feel lonely (especially if you have been dumped). But think: Right now you need to accept it and let it go.

 

Because your ex is a loser: He may date many people and even marry, but he will never have you again, because he does not deserve it.

 

Sorry if I was harsh, but this is what I think and I'm trying to help.

[FallenAngel26]

How did you cope knowing they were seeing someone else?

 

R: It hurted me, and I knew that it would eventually happen. But I accepted her decision and left her living her new life.

 

How long did it take you to accept and be free of it?Imagination going crazy. Is he really missing me?

 

R: I accepted when I saw that she changed and she was not the same person I loved back then. He will miss you if you give the space he wants and show him that you agree with the breakup, respecting his decision... What I mean by saying this is to not iniciate any contact with your ex. Because if you talk to him all the time, how will he miss you?

[Circe]

Emma, he can say whatever he wants. It's easy. You open your mouth and you talk. Open your mouth and say "I'm the Queen of the Universe". Is it true? Love never makes you act like a horrible person. Love makes you act with kindness and compassion. You know this is true.

 

How did I cope with knowing he was seeing someone else? To me it was what I needed to move on. I knew he was a bad guy and not husband/father-of-my-child material long before I realised he was seeing someone else but I just "couldn't" completely cut loose. When I realised he was seeing someone else it was easy. He's just not interested in really being with me and if I don't let go I'm making a complete fool of myself - was probably what I realised.

 

Accepting it was easy. Being truly free of him took a very long time but I made it a lot worse on myself by a) isolating myself from friends and loved ones; b) hating myself and blaming myself; and c) feeling like noone else that I loved would love me. If I had a place like this to see that jerks like him are a dime a dozen - that a LOT of people go through this kind of thing - that it's not just me who was the "fool" who got her heartbroken - that people come out Stronger for it in the end - it wouldn't have been so bad. And believe me you come out stronger in the end.

 

Is he really missing you? Emma - he's doing all this because it helps him deal with his life and helps him deal with moving on with his life. Do you want to help him do that at the cost of hurting yourself - or do you want to cut him off and get on with the task of moving on with your own life?

 

I swear to you the people who love us do not act this way.

[Circe]

As for why you want him back when he's done this.. you want to know you are loveable. He's made you feel unloved. You want that changed and you want it changed now and you think he's the one who can change it. But he's not the answer.

 

Show yourself some love and compassion and let him go. Focus on getting over him. The right person for you will come along and they won't treat you like c rap.

[Emma8]

I do think too he is doing this to help him move on, not me. Youre so right. He finds it easier to keep me in the background while he does what he wants, knowing I am always there. He probably finds it hard to let go too, we had an intense relationship, but he isnt respecting my feelings at all.

 

Thank you for this. I do keep telling myself if he loved me he wouldnt hurt me and say awful things. If he loved me and wanted me, he would be with me, not with her. simple. hard to write that and hard to accept.

[Emma8]

As for why you want him back when he's done this.. you want to know you are loveable. He's made you feel unloved. You want that changed and you want it changed now and you think he's the one who can change it. But he's not the answer.

 

Show yourself some love and compassion and let him go. Focus on getting over him. The right person for you will come along and they won't treat you like c rap.

 

I think I want to prove to him that what we had (when it was good) was special and that he is making a mistake. Guess only he will realise that himself...

 

I do feel like Im not me anymore. not eating, no energy, really worried and consumed by it all the time. I am trying to go out with friends and going to work, but its that sick gut feeling I wish would go away. I hate him for what he has done.

[Emma8]

How did you cope knowing they were seeing someone else?

 

R: It hurted me, and I knew that it would eventually happen. But I accepted her decision and left her living her new life.

 

How long did it take you to accept and be free of it?Imagination going crazy. Is he really missing me?

 

R: I accepted when I saw that she changed and she was not the same person I loved back then. He will miss you if you give the space he wants and show him that you agree with the breakup, respecting his decision... What I mean by saying this is to not iniciate any contact with your ex. Because if you talk to him all the time, how will he miss you?

 

Thanks JJ - I knew it would happen eventually, i just hope the pain goes away fast

 

Thing is I have agreed to the break up and have given him NC for many weeks. Its him that contacts me all the time. I ignore him a lot, but he wont let me move on, even though he ended it. As Crice says he is doing it to help himself and hurting me in the process. Ive told him to leave me alone, then he says he misses me, yet still has a new girl. Feel sorry for her really.

[seoulmate]

As for why you want him back when he's done this.. you want to know you are loveable. He's made you feel unloved. You want that changed and you want it changed now and you think he's the one who can change it. But he's not the answer.

 

Show yourself some love and compassion and let him go. Focus on getting over him. The right person for you will come along and they won't treat you like c rap.

 

So true. So true.

[Snowy]

Post of the month.

[doyathink]

If someone truly loves you, they dont leave. Unless its an abusive situation. Love stays and fights for what it wants. He's using you to wean himself off of you. People can say all kinds of stuff, but if their actions dont back up what they're saying....then it means nothing.

[thejigsup]

He's playing an evil game with you. He wANTS to hurt you, it's good for his ego. You are playing right along and making this fun for him. Don't. Just adopt a "Whatever" attititude with him and watch the games stop. You don't want this one, honey. He's nothing but bad news.

[lavenderdove]

Abusive relationships can be very addictive because they offer intermittent rewards... honeymoon periods alternating with abusive periods, so that you start chasing after the 'good' moments like a dog begging for a treat. Psychological research has proven that intermittent rewards can make you chase after them and seek them more than consistent rewards do, so he's basically got you trained like a dog to chase after his love and attention by alterating periods of 'i love you' with periods of abuse.

 

You have to recognize these things: you are 31 years old and not a teenaged girl anymore and have to start accepting that 'love' won't fix anything at all if what you are getting is a perverted version of it rather than REAL love which is patient, kind, consistent etc. What you've got is an exciting jerk at the end of your tether, not a decent guy. Don't confuse excitement and sick yearning with love, which is clear that you are doing from your posts.

 

A guy who loved you wouldn't leave you and jerk you around like this. And what you feel for him is the yearning a dog would feel if it had been shocked then rewarded enough times, quivering at the edge of it's leash yearning for the next treat and praying it won't get shocked again anytime soon. He has created this mess you are in, and you are not assuming responsibility for breaking that leash and getting away from him, which you need to do.

 

You are not a victim, and you have to get out of the mindset. You are a grown woman who can change her life anytime she pleases, when you realize that this is not a healthy love and you are not powerless and are responsible to take charge of your life and not turn your happiness over to someone else, as you have done with this man.

 

And at 31, you need to start working on the recognition that words are absolutely meaningless if they are not backed up by actions. This man could scream he loves you from the mountaintops, but if he is off chasing other women, it is meaningless and not doing you any good at all, and in fact proves that you are choosing to be his victim rather than to look at the reality that he's an abusive guy who's gotten you hooked on an exciting roller coaster of emotions rather than on any kind of true love.

 

It is up to you to protect yourself from him... you are your own worst enemy here, and your pain at this point is self inflicted. So it is time to change your phone number, send his email to the spam folder, and call a therapist for help if you can't take responsibility for yourself and do that. And what you are feeling is not love, it is dependency and a craving for the cycle of abuse... you need to break this pattern to free yourself to find a real and genuine love and not some addiction to an abusive guy... being addicted to a person is not about love at all, and you need to learn what real love is about and a therapist can help you do that.

[Emma8]

Lavenderdove I know. Im not making this easy for myself. Its just so hard to not think about him and her. Its so hard to let go. How do I do it? Its been 4months and Im still crying over him. Ive tried to be strong, I really have. And I know Im 31 and acting like a teenager!! Its crazy and I hate it.

 

Ive just seen him running past where I drive home from work. Not sure if its on purpose or coincidence. This obviously has gotten me upset again. Now home alone wondering what he is doing tonight...with her...is he thinking of me? How do I stop that going round my head!! Its driving me insane.

 

Why would he do this to me? What sick person would make someone feel so utterly bad? I do know him fairly well, and I know he can be a good guy and we did believe it or not, have some amazing times.

 

But as you say. Actions speak louder than words. He is with someone else. Surely thats enough for me to see he doesnt want me and is no good.

[penelope13]

I'm not going to ask you to stop loving him - but that you should start loving yourself more.

 

You ask "why would he do this to me", shouldn't you be asking "why are you doing this to yourself"?.

 

If something or someone is not good for your personal well being, your emotional health - you need to stay away and love them from a distance if you can't switch off the feelings, but you need to stay away.

 

If you believe that with this new person he will be the perfect guy that he has been for 5 seconds with you - don't be mistaken. He will do the same thing with her: bait her with 'amazing times and feelings' until he is sure she is hooked enough to start showing his true personality. That's what predators do. Of course they have to be 'nice and amazing from time to time' - just enough to make you stay till the next blow.

[Emma8]

What does this all mean.

 

Ex txt this morning saying how no one will love me like he does and deep down Ill never have what we had together and how special it was. He said he hates the thought that Im not his anymore and he loves me and misses me so much. He then said he wished he had met me before i met my sons dad (i have an 8 yr old from previous relationship) and that why dont I appreciate and understand how it would have been impossible for him to stick around when I had a kid as he wanted it to be new for both of us. He then sent a last txt saying he is sorry for bothering me and doesnt want me to hate him and that he will always think of me, 'bye Emma xxxx'

 

What should I make of that?! I have ignored him and he has sent so many 'goodbye' txts so will no doubt txt again.

[lavenderdove]

Here's the thing: It doesn't matter what he says about anything because you've learned over time that he is abusive and jerks you around and treats you horribly.

 

You say he's a 'good guy', but no, he is not a 'good guy' he is the sum total of his behavior. And if he is abusive and runs around with other women and jerks you around from day to day, then that is who he is, not a 'good guy'. You can't separate out the parts you like from the parts you don't like and that are so destructive to you. So your only recourse is to cut contact with him to stop the cycle.

 

You are a mother and have a child, and that child is and should be your top priority. If someone even mentioned ONCE that they saw my son as an impediment or problem or reason for not dating me, i would instantly and forever cut contact with that man because you cannot have a man in your life who does not openly and happily accept both you AND your child. So that is the end of the story... it's over, no looking back, make the right choice to protect your son from a man who not only makes his mother crazy but also doesn't want him around. It is honestly unforgiveable to continue to pursue or be involved in any way with a man who rejects your son and says such nonsense about you and your son.

 

So no more self indulgence! Sure you wanted this guy, but this guy is totally wrong for you and your child and that is the end of the story. Don't be like a baby crying over some pretty toy it wanted but can't have for whatever reason. It is time to act like a grown woman and protect your son and find someone who will love your son as much as he needs to be loved and one who certainly does not blame your son for being born!

 

Google 'thought stopping' and start practicing it. Every time this man pops into your head tell yourself STOP! he doesn't want my son and my son is my first priority so that's done with now. Then get up and do something else. You also need to change your phone number and get a new email address and cut contact with him totally. And you need to call a therapist if you can't stand up and protect yourself and your child, and make no mistake that your child needs protection from any man who sees him as a mistake or an inconvenience.

 

You cannot be involved with any man who makes you crazy (and hence a worse mother) or who makes your son feel unwanted and will affect his self esteem. Time to find your maternal instinct again and pull away from this man permanently, if not for yourself, then for the sake of your son. You can change your phone number TODAY and delete your old email account TODAY, there is nothing stopping you but you, and if you can't do it, then honestly, you ARE being a bad mother by continuing to dandle after a man who views your son as a mistake, and you need to call a therapist in order to get yourself straightened out so that you can be a good mother who puts her son's interests first rather than mooning over some nasty and abusive man.