How can I be less annoyed by my roommate?

[Firiel]

Okay, so my husband and I recently took in a roommate because she doesn't have a job and dropped out of school after one semester and her fiance has a hard time affording rent for both of them. So she's getting super cheap rent ($100/month) and is supposed to clean the apartment for us. She does do her dishes and cleans a bit, but I still clean the apartment myself at least twice a week and will often do dishes a couple of times during the week as well. She monopolizes the living room and is always watching TV in there which means that I have needed to change where I do homework. Her fiance is always over and they always hang out in the living room, making it really awkward for me to be in there even if the TV isn't on. I've pretty much lived in my room for the past month except for the couple of hours in the morning before she gets up. She takes an hour and a half in the bathroom every morning which is just annoying in general. She constantly gets offended at everything my husband says but feels totally entitled to tell him in the rudest way possible if she thinks he's done something out of line.

 

I'm getting super-duper annoyed by the whole thing, and I need to learn how to not be annoyed by it because I know that stress and anger are not productive emotions. I'm getting sick of living in my room, but that's been the only way I've been able to combat it so far.

[Seraphim]

Personally, I would just tell her to find another set of parents. You guys are being treated like a set of parents. Tell her she has a month to get her business in order and get out.

[pl3asehelp]

I could not tolerate a room mate for all of the reasons you gave here. Unfortunately, I don't think she's doing much wrong if she is cleaning, but just not as much as you'd like. Maybe you could explain to her that you're giving her a deal on rent and expecting cleaning in exchange for that - a higher level of cleaning - and if she's not on board raise her rent or tell her you need to find someone who is willing to clean in exchange for lower rent. BUT, for the most part, everything she's doing is just typical living with a somewhat stranger behavior - annoying. Maybe room mates are not for you.

[bulletproof]

I disagree that stress and anger are not productive emotions. They are signals that something is not right, that's the purpose they serve. This situation is unhealthy, primarily because she is not living up to her end of an agreement that was made. I think you have to sit down with her and outline specifically what cleaning the apartment actually means, and if that's not something she's okay with, then the rent needs to be higher. I also think that your husband needs to be present for that conversation and address the fact that being rude to him is not okay, also.

 

I don't know that there's anything you can do about her monopolizing the living room, since she is a paying roommate and can utilize that space as much or little as she wants. So if that's too much for you, which is understandable, then maybe the whole arrangement is a bad idea and she should start looking for somewhere else to live.

[Firiel]

It's only for a few more months which is why I just want to be able to tolerate it. Kicking her out isn't an option. I wanted to believe that I was going to be a good enough person to live with a roommate, but with all the other stress in my life right now, it's just a little too much. My only place that was a refuge to me isn't anymore.

 

Laying out guidelines is a good idea. Maybe I can get my husband to help with that conversation. I am really bad with confrontation, so hopefully he can help. I just didn't expect to have to lay out guidelines, as my own expectations are pretty low. Empty the garbage when it's full, wipe down the kitchen counters ever, sweep the floor when it starts to get crumbly underfoot... that kind of thing. Her room is always spotless which tells me she knows how to clean... she just hasn't been.

[Firiel]

Oh, another thing (more about my husband, but I'm ticked and venting), my husband just got frustrated at me and told me how rude I was being by coming in and venting to him. He told me not to come into his bedroom and ruin it with my negativity. So the second I do anything, he's calling me on it, but he lets her treat him like crap and is always trying to smooth things over between them? I don't expect him to let me get away with being rude or anything, but it's not fair that he lets her walk all over him and jumps on me for doing one thing wrong when I'm stressed and depressed and overwhelmed.

[TearsofFate]

A few more months is still a long time to tolerate something that is bothering you. You're bound to crack if you wait to long. It's better to handle the problem as they come and that requires confrontation. Confrontation doesn't have to be a bad thing though. I think you just dread that she might not co-operate. Try to make it a productive confrontation. Don't tolerate her behaviour if it's bothering you.

 

Have a sit down with her (maybe even have something relaxing like coffee or a snack) - it doesn't need to be stressful. It's simple things she just needs to pick up on. Just tell her what's bothering you and just be honest about it.

 

$100 is really cheap for rent, and the fact that she dropped out of school and doesn't have a job is probably not a good sign. She may be depressed and possibly lazy with her life right now (looking for comfort). You don't need to tell her how to live her life (like go to school or get a job) but you do need to make it clear what is expected of her while she is there.

 

She needs to clean (like everyone living anywhere) and she needs to respect the other people living there. When my brother brought his girlfriend over everyday I didn't confront him for months...and I was just miserable. I felt like I had no personal space. One day I talked to him and we made a rule that she could only come over on weekends.

 

He agreed to it, after I told him why it bothered me. I also said sorry lol. I tried to be nice about it. It really helped. Just be honest with her.

 

"Can we sit down and talk about something? I was thinking we could go out and get coffee together."

 

then once you are there: "I sincerely want us to live together peacefully and I don't want to be offensive in anyway." then mention the things that you'd like for her to do while saying "I'd really appreciate it and I'd be thankful. It would really help out if you _____."

 

You might need to remind her a few times, but once she knows that you're serious, and sees the positive in it, she'll most likely start helping out (within the next week or 2 weeks) if you remind her. Then when she does it, praise her...and she'll continue to do it.

 

I know it sounds a bit much, but I think this strategy would really help you out, if you plan on living with her for a few more months, without kicking her out.

[mhowe]

A few more months of this is going to take a toll on your marriage. Suggest asking her to leave.

[Firiel]

There is absolutely 100% no way my husband would ask her to leave. I know it will take a toll on our marriage... but the only person I can change is myself, so that's why I want to learn to be a better sport about it.

[lavenderdove]

This falls into the category of 'no good deed goes unpunished'... my experience is that people who never seem to get their lives together are more than willing to take advantage of other people and get them to take care of them... they don't want to get their lives together or they'd have already done it!

 

I suggest you move the TV in the living room into your bedroom. that at least solves the TV problem. if you really don't want to 'deprive' her of the TV, put it in her room so that she stays there and you can use your room and the living room while she watches TV in her own room.

 

Also put up a bathroom schedule... tell her that 1.5 hours is too much time to spend when you need to get in there as well. Since you are paying most of the rent, block off the times you want to be in there, and tell her she needs to work around that because you have to go to work/school.

 

She is not entitled to walk all over you and your kindness... if her room is spotless, then she knows exacty what she is doing, which is not living up to her commitments as to the bargain for taking care of the housework in exchange for cheap rent.

[bulletproof]

If you really have no choice but to put up with her for the next few months, it might not hurt to get out of the house more. Can you go somewhere like a coffee shop to study instead of your room? Make it a reward for yourself.

[Firiel]

I suggest you move the TV in the living room into your bedroom. that at least solves the TV problem. if you really don't want to 'deprive' her of the TV, put it in her room so that she stays there and you can use your room and the living room while she watches TV in her own room.

 

Also put up a bathroom schedule... tell her that 1.5 hours is too much time to spend when you need to get in there as well. Since you are paying most of the rent, block off the times you want to be in there, and tell her she needs to work around that because you have to go to work/school.

 

Yes, my husband bought a cheap TV to put in our room so at least I can relax in front of the boob tube when my schedule allows it. I should mention the idea of a bathroom schedule to him as the whole bathroom usage affects him more than me because they get up closer to the same time. It just annoys me out of principle, which I know is silly of me.

 

If you really have no choice but to put up with her for the next few months, it might not hurt to get out of the house more. Can you go somewhere like a coffee shop to study instead of your room? Make it a reward for yourself.

 

I should get out of the house more often. I spend quite a bit of time away from home as it is, and home was my refuge. I'm getting better at simply seeing my room as a refuge and it's feeling more homey in here every day. And I have been considering finding a good coffee shop to work in. There are plenty around here. The only problem is that then I feel obligated to buy something. I think I'll do that tomorrow because I've got a large chunk of time to devote to school work.

[Amorterra]

Pick your battles, so to speak. The things she does that annoy you a little and you can let go, let them go. The more important things, sit down with her and address them.

[HeartGoesOn]

There is absolutely 100% no way my husband would ask her to leave. I know it will take a toll on our marriage... but the only person I can change is myself, so that's why I want to learn to be a better sport about it.

 

I disagree with this. Why should you have to change your lifestyle, and put your marriage at risk in order to accommodate this other persons needs? Your marriage is your number one priority, that said your husband needs to put you first.

[journeynow]

I suppose it's too late to enact a different approach to rent, but in a case like this it makes sense to split the rent 3 ways, and then have her work off the rent that's over $100. It might help to have house rules, about time in the bathroom, quite time in common areas, level of cleanliness, and visitors.

[itsallgrand]

.............................................

[appdev89]

move out, come back after she has left. Problem solved.

[masoncash]

As harsh as this might seem, your sanity is at stake.

And your husband should be on your side without any shadow of doubt.

Even if that means kicking her out!

You are not a doormat nor should you need to change how you live in your own home.

Get tough with some kind love!