Do i break up with my boyfriend?

[sydneygirl87]

I am a 24 year old female, and have been in a relationship with a 21 year old male for the last 12 months.

 

When we first met everything was amazing, I have been in a few abusive relationships in the past so it was great to find a decent guy that i could trust and treated me properly. We had so much fun together and he basically lived at my apartment.

 

A few months ago i guess the 'honeymood period' started finishing and everything started to change a bit. We stopped going out and having fun so much, and most of our weekends were spent at home, at dinner or at the movies. We started fighting a bit but still cared for each other very much.

 

Lately he has told me that he wants to start staying back at his parents house during the week and having a bit of space, as he needs his 'me time'. I just feel that he dosent want to be around me anymore. I told him that if he is unhappy and dosent want to be with me he needs to tell me and we will need to move on but he insists that he wants to be in this relationship. He just keeps saying that i need to give him time and space to make this work.

 

On the weekend i had enough and broke up with him. We were both in tears and clearly neither of us wanted to end it, it just felt like the only option. I have been totally miserable for the last 2 days with no interest to see or speak to anyone. I have barely left my bed and getting up to come to work today was very very difficult.

 

What do i do? Do we just have a break and some time apart? Or do i give up alltogether? I want him in my life, i love him so much, it gives me instant anxiety thinking of life without him but i cant be with someone that dosent actually want me there? Is it because he is younger maybe?

 

If anyone has any advice it would be greatly appreciated, thanks so much

[SuperDuper]

You two are both young and are likely still figuring out who yourselves are, let alone if you are compatible with each other. He could just mean exactly what he said:

 

He wants to be in a relationship, but needs some space in order for it to develop further. I can see how that seems backwards, but PERHAPS he sees it as: You two moved rather quickly into a tight-knit relationship that perhaps would be healthier (and longer-lasting) if it was pursued with a little more "me-time" for both of you.

 

In other words, he wants to be in the relationship because he sees the potential but also sees the current path you're both following is not the ideal path that would develop the strongest bond ultimately. Does that make any sense??

 

I can see how him wanting space can be interpreted as "I say I want a relationship, but my actions aren't consistent with this.. as I'm putting space between us".

 

To me it sounds like this guy is confused.. likely largely attributable to his young age, lack of experience, and growing perspective on life. I think the ball is in your court here.. you seem to be a wreck, full of regret. I think you should have a heart-to-heart with the guy and see what he truly wants.

 

If he only wants to meet up a few times a week for the next month (or whatever) and you're unwilling to accept these terms, then handle the hurt you're feeling and move on. Find a guy who is on the same page. Otherwise you should work through your struggles if you really feel he's the one you want to be with.

 

Keep us posted, all the best.

[rosephase]

Why did you break up with him if you love him so much and don't want to be without him?

 

You were scared that he wanted more space so you ended the relationship even when he wanted it to continue?

 

My guess is he'll take you back but it seems like a big emotional jerk around. In the future if you don't want your relationship to end, don't end it. When things get hard and you want to keep going you sit down like adults and work on it. Try new things. Talk about what you want and what your scared of. Listen to him about what he needs and what he wants. When people say relationships take work this is what they mean.

[Taki]

It doesn't mean that he doesn't want you. If he knows the reason you dumped him (and that you still want him), you should wait for him to come back, because if you ask him back, you won't be sure if he really wanted you. In the meantime, do something interesting that won't remind you of him.

[sydneygirl87]

Thankyou for your replys.

 

I have sat down and spoken to him about it and his answer is that he needs space and time to make this work.

 

I guess i have just been so hurt in the past that i am scared of getting hurt again. Im scared of giving him space, hoping that we will get back together only to find out that he dosent want to be with me. I guess sometimes i make rash decisions as i feel that it is easier to just end things now and hurt and move on rather than get my hopes up and be crushed even more. I know it sounds really stupid, but i guess im just scared of getting hurt again.

[RitaTrue]

Why did you break up with him if you love him so much and don't want to be without him?

 

You were scared that he wanted more space so you ended the relationship even when he wanted it to continue?

 

My guess is he'll take you back but it seems like a big emotional jerk around. In the future if you don't want your relationship to end, don't end it. When things get hard and you want to keep going you sit down like adults and work on it. Try new things. Talk about what you want and what your scared of. Listen to him about what he needs and what he wants. When people say relationships take work this is what they mean.

 

This.

 

If you want a mature, lasting relationship, you got put in WORK and COMMUNICATE. How long did you think the honeymoon period was supposed to last?

 

You didnt say in your post that you talked to him about it. Why did you break up with him before speaking to him about it, or explaining how you're taking his decision?

 

Good grief, if you broke up that quickly without talking about your problems: should you be in a relationship in the first place?

[sydneygirl87]

Wow, do some of you think that a 24 year old is unable to have a 'mature' relationship? Why does this word keep coming into place?

 

I have been in a 2 year relationship, and also a 3 year relationship in the past so i do understand how long a honeymoon period usually lasts, i also understand that communication is essential in any relationship.

 

As i said previously - I have spoken to him about this. He feels that we need time and space to make this work. I am scared of loosing him, i made a rash decision out of hurt and confusion. I guess any normal human being would feel slightly hurt if they are told by their loved one that they dont want to be around them.

[rosephase]

Wow, do some of you think that a 24 year old is unable to have a 'mature' relationship? Why does this word keep coming into place?

 

I have been in a 2 year relationship, and also a 3 year relationship in the past so i do understand how long a honeymoon period usually lasts, i also understand that communication is essential in any relationship.

 

As i said previously - I have spoken to him about this. He feels that we need time and space to make this work. I am scared of loosing him, i made a rash decision out of hurt and confusion. I guess any normal human being would feel slightly hurt if they are told by their loved one that they dont want to be around them.

 

I'm sorry if it felt like an attack. I'm a bit punchy at the moment. I don't think your immature because your 24. But ending a relationship you care about and hurting someone you love because of hurt and confusion isn't a good thing. If a relationship is worth fighting for or working for then it's worth taking time to think before acting.

 

Talk to him. He loves you and he'll forgive you for your rash action but know it's scary to be in a relationship with someone who pushes you away when they are scared. Anyone can make the mistake you made age isn't a factor.

[Snny]

I tend to agree with the others- you bit his head off and it backfired on you. I also see this as an age issue based on level of commitment from both places.

 

I can see where you both are. He's 21 and guys at his age aren't usually ready to settle for a large commitment. He wants to step down and explore what he really wants for himself... so give him that opportunity and don't jump to conclusions about him not happy in a relationship with you yet. He's also around my sister and her boyfriend's age and they are having this same problem right now. She wants marriage and her boyfriend has made it clear that he doesn't want to propose because he's not ready for that level.

 

You being 24... you're a step higher and are not on the same page with him. You want to make sure what you have with him is the real deal and it's alarming to hear a partner decide to move out. Just because someone moves out does not always mean it is the end of the relationship. People move out for various reasons... find out why and don't take it so personally.

 

Give it time and talk to him. He might take you back... and he might not. You don't know unless you talk to him and apologize.

[Ms Darcy]

I think you made a mistake in breaking up with him. I understand being hurt but now you have damaged the relationship. Give him the space he asks for. He may or may not want to get back together.