Dear Dad...

[Fudgie]

I love you and in my life, you have always been the person who has meant the most to me. When I grew up, things were not well with mom. She was so upset with the sibs being the way that they were. We struggled a lot, as you know. The nights late up, the screaming, the crying, the confusion, more screaming, medication issues. I said when I was little that I felt like you and I were "second class citizens" in our family, always being pushed down to a lower level. We bonded over that. Your wife "left" you, and my mother "left" me. For a long time, it felt like just you and I. Your barely 6'' structure felt so tall to me and I was always hugging you around your waist, standing on your shoes. You never wear cologne but you always smell like dandruff shampoo, the kind with selenium in it.

 

You knew first about my depression, about my depression getting worse, about everything. I did not tell a lot because you didn't want me too. I always came to you. We went for long walks. We went on "adventures", during all seasons. Biking, skiing, canoeing, kayaking, hiking, camping, sailing advantures.

 

But there was a deeper part, and not necessarily better. You confided a lot in me, that you never told mom. You still do this. For long time, I felt like a wife. I told you things that I wouldn't dare tell my boyfriends at the time. I shared very private secrets with you, and you with me. We had so few boundaries. At the time I did not think much of this but I do now. I am not your wife. I may look like mom and I undestand that mom has not treated you well but I am not your wife. I am your daughter. You were the first to hold me in the hospital, even before my mother, do you remember that? I am your daughter. But so much has changed. When I was 15, I thought to myself how I wished that I were older, and you were not married, and how I could be with you and I could make you happy, because you are not happy now. I truly meant it and that frightened me, it felt so shameful. I pushed it out of my mind.

 

When I dated older guys, you were the one who has always stood beside me, in support, not in condemnation. I appreciated that, but looking back, that was not right for me. It took me years to find this out. I am still not sure why you supported me. Was it because you loved me? Because you wanted me to see it was a bad idea? Or were you flattered in some way.

 

I am not mad at you, Dad. I still love you and I always will. I just want you to know that our life-long dynamic has not been healthy, as a result of many things. I know you are not happy with mom, and while I'm glad you have never had an affair, I can't be that replacement for you, I just can't.

 

I want us to have a healthy dynamic, while being close, if that is possible. I forgive you for whatever has happened. But I don't want to bash mom anymore. She has major, major faults but so do you, so do I. Please don't bash her anymore. She is a woman who is hurting deeply. She is manipulative, yes, and sometimes is hurtful but I don't want to hate anymore. It's been eating me up. I don't want to feel resentful anymore of her because she gets to sleep next to you at night. Please stop projecting onto her and saying that what she does with my brother is "inappropriate". Because it's not. My bro has his own issues but please, leave them alone.

 

I love you Dad. You have taken care of me for my whole younger life but now it is my time to take care of you. I've grown beside you but now it's time that you grow with me. We don't have to live like this anymore. I don't want to see you unhappy. If it's not too late, I want you to try and develop at least a slightly better marriage with my mother. You already know that you aren't going to leave. We kids are gone now, it's easier. She is hurting now with a sick mother. I wish that you could see more of her suffering. Perhaps now that she is older, she will get more self-insight.

 

I thank you for supporting my choice to be with my current boyfriend. He knows about the situation and is helping me through it, helping me to understand it. Perhaps you knew that he would be this way before we got together. You always liked him. Well, he has helped me immensely. He sees things in my situations that I cannot.

 

We don't have to live like this anymore, Dad. Please, help me change this. Please understand that I still love you but that I need us both to be healthier and happier. We can still be just as close.

 

 

 

I'm not sending this. I'm just sort of upset and I'm putting this here for my own thoughts.

[Fudgie]

God damn it, I just want to be normal and happy.

[Seraphim]

I would send this Fudgie. He NEEDS to know. A few years ago I went off on my dad for about an hour on the phone. During that time he never said one word. When I was done, he said, " wow, at least I know why you are so angry at me. If you need to ever talk to me I am here." That was the most support I have gotten from my father in 20 years. I think it did him good to know the mistakes he made.

[Fudgie]

I'm not ready yet. I still have trouble telling this to myself, let alone him.

 

I want to tell him someday, but I don't know when exactly and it's definitely not now.

 

I'm also afraid of altering the relationship I have in a way that's not good. Like maybe he'll be uncomfortable around me from now on.