I don't know where to go...

[tabbyloves]

some would think that i have a perfectly normal and happy life. But they don't know what goes on in my life.

 

You can call me Tabby or Tabitha (i don't care which one). I am a 15 year old (almost 16) female student. My school life has been horrible.

 

All my life i have been bullied and could never seem to do anything right; and that still stands to this day. Ever since i started kindergarten, all i've ever done is be myself, and what do i get? Bullied. BUt it really hit the most when we moved into Ballina and i changed schools to Ballina Public School in year 2. I had my first fight, and made my first bestfriend in year 2 aswell.

 

I died my hair blue for shave for a cure in year 2 or 3 and i remember really well, that it wasn't only the kids that made fun of me but it was the teachers aswell. One of them actually said to me that if i don't get it out of my hair that i'll be suspended. God, i never liked her. Then in year 4 my eye was going all werid on me and started being lazy and i got picked on for that too. In year 5 i got picked on for being friends with these 2 girls who were a year older than me; they ended up being total * * * * * ez to me and i had a fight with one of them.

 

In year 6 i picked on for having my anger issues that i haven't been able to control. I also, well my older sister dyed parts of my hair blacked and i got called emo for that. and the guys WOULD NOT leave me alone. I ended up getting so pissed off at one of them that i kicked him in the balls, and they STILL go on about that today. I also had my first actual relationship that lasted for 3 months before he dumped me because he thought i was cheating on him when i wasn't. Most people hated me for the other couple of guys i dated also in year 6.

 

In year 7 my 'friends' started throwing food at me and sticks and picking on me because of once again my anger issues. In year 8 the same thing happened except there was the b***h that started saying sh*t about us to other people and then i threatened her and that got me a warning suspension. I remember i slapped her too. In year 9 i dated a guy who was a year older than me, and he smoked and drinked. Then for our one month he asked me for sex. (i'm a virgin) I declined and broke up with him. And my relationship with this other guy in year 8, we broke up a couple of months before year 9 and he STILL treats me like a jerk to this very day.

 

And now in year 10, i have been replaced by this b***h i just want to knock the f**k out of, and hse has stolen everyone from me. so now i've gone back to being loner....woooh not! I just wanna knock the f**k out of everyone who has bullied me. or none the less, i want to kill myself. I can't handle this bullying that goes on anymore. I already cut and sometimes stab myself. so i can't wait till the day i friggin go to far and die.

 

I have a girlfriend who lives in America half way around the world from where i live in Australia. She got physically abused by her parents and from then on tried to commit suicide. It's been 2 months since we got together. 3 months ago she got raped by her bestfriends dad and is now 3 months pregnant. And she recently tried to take her own life. and this whole pregnancy thing is stressing me out. I can see a future with her, i just didn't expect a kid aswell.

 

I've been cutting for 3 and a half years, and it's only been in the last year that i have wanted to kill myself. And i still want to right now. And am very muchly contemplating it. I've been getting counseling for a few months but it doesn't really help me.

 

I don't know where to turn to besides killing myself. It's really stressing me out. I can't sleep because i have voices in my head that keep telling me to cut. I can't wat because of the same voices that tell me i'm fat and should be skinnier.

 

But the question is, should i leave a note IF i'm going to kill myself?

[Reilly2856]

I think your emotions are running high because a lot of things are coming your way. The most important thing to do right now is to tell someone about how you feel. If you don't have any close friends then approach your family (mom, dad, or cousins, etc.) and tell them that you have been cutting...and are thinking of suicide. They will help you to solve your bullying situation...you shouldn't have to handle that all on your own at such a young age. Actually, forget the age...no one should have to deal with it alone...you need to rely on your support system to get you through this. If you don't have any family that you can trust, then approach a school counselor or look to get an appointment with a psychologist/counselor in the community. If money is a problem, there are free counseling options at local community centres. You need to find "solutions" to the things in your life...suicide is not a solution. Its an escape and while I can understand that sometimes the pain is so overwhelming that it seems like the only possibility, in the end...it is merely you running away. It won't fix the "bullying" problem...it will merely be you running away from the "bullying" problem. Yet, what you need to do is face this courageously and overcome it. You already made the first great step towards recovery, you reached out to people on here...now, take the next step...tell someone in your life so that they can be there for you...you can do this. I have faith in you

[tabbyloves]

Reilly2856 - My mum knows i cut, but honestly, she couldn't give to hoots about it. I think dad knows too but he lives south of me, further down in NSW, Australia. and communication with him isn't the best. He's recently started working in the mines(which i hate)and haven't spoken to him in 4 weeks i think. I have however told some people on Polyvore(it's like a social net working site, kinda like facebook) because I literally can't speak through my own mouth. It's like impossible. I have trouble just keep up a normal conversation with anyone, but that's only because I've been anti-social all my life and never really made friends on my own. All i've ever done is run away from my problems, But you know what, I give up. No-one is ever going to be able to help me and that is a fact. so although i appreciate your tryn to help, I'm gunna be a chicken and take the easy way out with suicide.

thanks.

Tabby.

[Reilly2856]

I can understand why you would think suicide is the answer. Sometimes, our pain is so overwhelming that it seems like that is the best solution...its as if you all other possibilities are closed off. Suicide isn't easy...its what you think is the ONLY way to out. Yet, how do you know until you haven't tried other things? Perhaps suicide may be the only way out but why go that route UNTIL you've tried others? You may think everyone in your life has given up on you...but honestly, the only person WHO matters is YOU. YOU can't give up on yourself because realistically speaking...YOU are the only person who is guaranteed to be in your life for the rest of your life. Allow yourself time to first try other solutions...allow yourself to fight to make your life better. You coming on this site and polyvore shows that somewhere...that fighting spirit to survive is still there...you don't want to die...you want things to get better. Suicide doesn't ensure things will get better because in order to EXPERIENCE things for the better...YOU NEED TO BE ALIVE.

 

You mentioned that communication has always been a problem for you. Why don't you write everything you feel (e.g., about your cutting, things going on in your life, etc.)...just pour it out THEN take it to a school counselor. That way, she will get a sense of HOW you feel and can help you. THEN....attempt to CHANGE one thing at a time...it can be something small as you will say hi to at least one random stranger....over time, all the small changes will add to a larger cumulative effect. I use to be very shy so I took up a volunteer position in high school which required me to approach strangers to ask if they needed assistance (e.g., it was as a hospital volunteer) among other things. Yeah I found it to be very difficult but over time, it gave me the confidence to be more outgoing and NOW...I am no longer that shy, reserved girl. The point I am making is that I had to first recognize what I wanted to work on...find an way to improve (e.g., taking up a hospital position)...and then I worked on it every day till eventually, I have improved that part of my life.

 

I won't promise you that it will be easy...but it is doable. Have a little patience with yourself...you're going through a hard time...be understanding and reward yourself for any small success you have as you strive to bring small changes in your life. Even on days that you don't achieve, be understanding and encourage yourself.

 

 

No one can do this for you...you WILL have to be the ONE to take the first step out of this darkness. IT won't be easy...there will be days you'll want to jump back on the suicide train...but YOU HAVE TO KEEP GOING. You deserve to try EVERY OTHER OPTION first. Tap into your fighting spirit...everyone has it...you do too

[tabbyloves]

F*ck it, alright? I doesn't even know why i came on here in the first place. Just like, give up on me already? Just like everybody else has. Don't waste your time on someone who will never give in and get help (aka me). Don't waste it on me. Don't even waste your time replying to this. I don't want help so i don't know why i even posted it. Help is overrated. And it's time i faced the fact that NO-ONE will ever be able to help a f*cked up person like me.

[duke nukem]

How many more years do you have in grade school? It's much easier to meet people who will share your values and accept you for who you are, because yes, kids in grade school are very immature and cruel.

[tabbyloves]

2 not counting this year.

[duke nukem]

Well it may seem long now, but you will be out sooner than you think. Do you have any hobbies or things you like to do?

[tabbyloves]

there's art, but i'm not really into it atm. i'll get back into it just not now.

[duke nukem]

Hey, don't know if anyone's checking this but I received a message that the user tabbyloves tried to take her life earlier. Thoughts and prayers appreciated.

[pippy longstocking]

What's happening duke ?

[pippy longstocking]

tabby if you look in us I am sending you my love and hugs xxx

[tabbyloves]

tabby if you look in us I am sending you my love and hugs xxx

 

thanks....I guess.

[Vaimahina]

My uncle threw himself out the window, fell backwards and agonized in the pavement for six hours all broken before he died. Then my cousin's husband hung himself in a closet with a picture of their kid after she dumped him and moved to Spain. My neighbor hung herself from a tree in her yard about a year after her brother hung himself. These people all ran away from their problems and in the end I'm not even sure they got any relief, but an excruciating pain before they did it. If they wanted to get everyone else feeling bad and guilty well I guess they got their wish--AND THEY WERE ALL WRONG WHEN THEY THOUGHT NOBODY CARED. On the other hand I've a brother who got his leg cut off last year after an accident and my cousin, the driver died, and my ex-boyfriend has been wheelchairbound for six years with a complete bottom half paralysis. If my brother and my ex maybe thought of killing themselves at some point and overcame it so can you. They are both living full happy lives (my brother's a beer brewer with his own small company and my ex is a successful architect. Duke nukem is right in that it all gets better after high school when you can actually choose who you spend your day with. Hang in there. It WILL get better and really, you don't want to kill yourself, that's why you're here. That's why you're wondering about the note. You want someone to show you they care. We do, but you know what? I think just like some of us here who are getting over breakups and stuff, I think its time you started loving yourself and feeling comfortable with spending time alone doing what you like doing. Last night I got home to my apartment and for the first time, it felt great to know that I doesn't matter if my room is a mess now, or that I want to make spaghetti at 4 am and watch tv for a while before I fall asleep. I can do whatever I want now and nobody can say anything about it. If you haven't anything you like doing, go out an explore, find it. The arts especially, music, painting, drawing, film, etc... are great for that. If you don't do it yourself go to museums, go to concerts, take up free acting classes whatever. Not only will you be doing something you like but you'll probably meet new people and make a few friends. One thing I really enjoyed doing when I was frustrated in college was hanging out on building rooftops and reading and listening to music I liked, that and screaming at the top of my lungs if I needed to just to get it all out. There's a life for you out there, but it seems you want others to care for you when you don't even care for yourself and as harsh as it sounds most people aren't interested in someone who doesn't care for themselves. Also my experience is that a lot of people who dye and cut their hair unusuallu are seeking one of two things, either garner a lot of attention that they otherwise wouldn't get, or alienate/freak others out before (you think) they will alienate you. Again, it doesn't help solve the problem. Take the steering wheel and take yourself away from negative town. There's a great life awaiting you if you'd only believe in yourself.

[tabbyloves]

Mahinavai - I'm sorry for your loss and all, But, in honesty I don't think i'll ever care for myself, or even love myself. I've had a friend die in a motorbike accident, a friend died from cancer who was practically like my second mum, a friend died from cancer again, my uncle mike die from stage 2 cancer, a friend jump of lennox point as suicide and just about in every single one, I've almost succeeded myself. My ex boyfriend STILL treats me like dirt even though it was 2 years ago that we ended things, My ex girlfriend doesn't wanna be apart of my life anymore,..and that did tear me to pieces, she's also tried numerous times to commit suicide which also made me feel worthless, and I'm only just adjusting to the situation that i"m in now, and that's that my older brother who is now 24 sexually assaulted me when i was 6 and I'm only just coming to term with that. With all do respect, I'm so stubborn, I just won't get help or do anything to even get that far. Yesterday when i recieved the email from my ex girlfriend that she ddin't want to be apart of my life anymore, i broke down, cried for hours and at one point i could've ended everything, but you wanna know why i'm stil here, because i can't leave them. Because i know it'll just leave everyone more confused and hurt. I know the conseqences, so i cut. And have been cutting for 3 and a half years nearly 4. and now i have over 100 cuts on my body. I really wouldn't waste your time on me.

[Vaimahina]

I was sexually assaulted when I was 4 and then again when I was 9. I kind of didn't deal with it until I've finally realized last year, that my low self-esteem has led me to get involved with people that are not only self-destructive, but were leading me down the same path and making me feel bad about myself as a way of making themselves feel better. That's what that ex of yours is doing. He has such low self-esteem (and oh yeah he may brag that he's the best or whatever because they do that big front thing), but actually he puts you down because he knows you're the only one that he can really get to, all just to make himself feel better. Tabby, you've got a lot of s***t on your shoulders and seriously, if you don't feel comfortable seeking outside help (I never did either) then try and find it within yourself. Happiness or contentment does not come from somebody else. It comes from you. You came into this world alone and you'll leave alone--sure you might have friends along the way, but like somebody else said, you're the one you're going to spend the rest of your life with. If you really don't like yourself, see what you can change or do to like yourself better. Take it as an opportunity, to explore and discover new things, an adventure. You can be happy alone, spending time with yourself, really. Don't cut yourself anymore, if you really need to get it out, there's other ways to vent your frustrations that aren't harmful to you and actually help you HEAL. Think of your cuts as tattoos, as life experiences that have marked you, but its time to get to know yourself or reinvent yourself, whichever you prefer, and move on. Try and keep in mind that in two years you will be out of high school, which is the time to hang out with people you choose to be with, to meet new people who know nothing about your background or who you were, to be more independent and take control of your life. Hang in there for just 2 more years. You'll see it gets soooooo much better. In the meantime, like i said, make an effort to make friends with yourself.

[tabbyloves]

Making friends with myself is like impossible. With the * * * * i've done, i don't even want to be my own friend. I don't get why i was even put on this earth in the first place. All i've ever done is screw every single friendship and relationship up like i did with my recent relationship which involved her not talking to me anymore. And it's now day 2 of no contact from her. All the snotty nosed brats are really starting to piss me off. I don't think i could handle another 2 years of their * * * * they try to pull on me. I don't wanna live and i most certinaly don't want to ever again soacilize. And if it means that i won't get to make friends or whatever then so be it. I don't give, I'll be happy just being a computer freak who sits online everyday all day and never gets any sleep. Because that's how it is now. I never get any sleep, i don't eat and i hardly drink any fluids. so one of these days I'mma be gone from this world for good.

[Vaimahina]

Well, if being in front of the computer makes you happy, do it, not forever of course but do what makes you happy and follow your interests. I wish you all the best in these hard no contact times. Its very tough but time is key. Its true that time heals all wounds. Patience helps... good luck Tabby. You can write me whenever you want if you need to vent.