Guitarguy_82 Posted February 19, 2012 Share Posted February 19, 2012 Just need to vent today, so bear with me: Dated the ex for 3 months. Broke up right before Christmas. She would text every now and then (superficial things) and I would respond. Last contact was about a month ago....so I'm chalking that up to the beginning of true NC even though I never fully stated that I was going NC, it just seemed assumed. I've had strong urges to contact her. She was always the one to contact me and now I almost have the feeling that it's "my turn" to reach out. The caveat here is that while I've been healing (so very very slowly), I know that I still have feelings for her and any type of contact will not be in my best interest. I thought that being friends might be possible a while back, but I don't think I could handle that right now. Needless to say I've been having a really hard time severing the heart strings. I've started working out, bought new clothes, dated a little bit, I'm hanging out with friends/family, etc...but I just feel lost mentally. I know that with NC we are supposed to get back to ourselves and find what made us happy before the ex came into the picture. My issue seems to be that I don't know if I want to go back to that version of me. I carry a lot of guilt and have spent plenty of time beating myself for the BU (not healthy, I know) and things I could have done differently...and so my thinking is "why would I want to go back to a version of myself that was clearly not able to properly make a relationship work?" The ex was not totally innocent; she made mistakes too. I wanted to work them out and she did not. I wanted a relationship, she did not. She said "I love you" first and apparently that was only a temporary phrase to her. If she lost interest (which I'm thinking is the case, along with the fact that she was "hanging out" with other guys behind my back), then clearly I was not enough for her to want to be with me. My self-confidence has been low and I'm finding it hard to really figure out what I "want". All I can think of is her and the past and now I'm starting to almost change how I carry myself to act like someone she would want again. It seems so pathetic just writing that out, but it's the truth. I realize the benefits of NC...but fighting the urges to contact her is starting to come to a boiling point. I can only listen to so many angry songs about being "strong" and saying "to hell with the past and those that have wronged you" before it just becomes meaningless words. I've gone from feeling like I want to die to feeling like I wish she was dead. Every range of emotion in between has been expressed at some point: sadness, happiness, anger, resentment, guilt, etc.... I just feel so stupid because it was only a 3 month relationship and yet I wanted so much from it. I wanted it to work. I wanted to be with her....and now there's nothing. She apologized right at the very end of things, but I never really got any answers as to why. Every time I would ask her about something serious all I ever got back was "I don't know". I'm not sure if that counts as closure or not...and I don't know if that's what I'm really seeking, or if it will even matter now. Again, I'm feeling lost and confused. I need someone to slap me in the face a few times and pour a bucket of cold water on my head and tell me to snap out of it. My friends are tired of hearing about it as are my sisters. I'm pretty damn tired of it too to be honest. Any advice other than "just keep NC and it will get better" would be highly appreciated! Link to comment
JA0371 Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 Ugh...I can relate. And the amount of ime you were in the relationship is not that relevant. Sometimes shorter relationships are harder to get over because you never got to experience the true potential, so there are a lot of 'what ifs'. Anyway...I am sort of in the same situation...and am working on staying NC until I heal. It is very hard to fight the urge to reach out. But every day I will get stronger, and so will you. Just know you are doing what is right for you. The rest will take care of itself. Congrats on your month of NC, that is no easy feat! Link to comment
Yeul Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 Hey from a fellow Texan! I absolutely understand what you're going through right now. I am in the exact spot, me and my ex were together for 9 months. Doesn't sound long, but I wanted it to work so bad. Everyone I talk to about it is tired of hearing about it, and everyone tries to give me those words that will make me have some sort of revelation, but it doesn't work that way. Words are words, feelings are feelings. It's just going to take time. However, we're all here to hold each other up. Honestly, finding this forum has been a life saver for me. I still wake up thinking about him, go to bed thinking about him... I don't even sleep in my own bed anymore, I'm on the couch now... (that just sounds pathetic..) The heart wants what the heart wants, but you sound like a nice guy, and once the pain of this subsides, hopefully you will find someone that wants to work it out as much as you do, since every relationship has it's problems. If you ever need anyone to talk to, feel free to message me. Be sure to eat, get plenty of sleep, and stay NC. If you lack sleep and nourishment, things will only be harder. Seriously. Link to comment
Guitarguy_82 Posted February 20, 2012 Author Share Posted February 20, 2012 Just know you are doing what is right for you. That's the thing. I know it's the "right" thing to do, but my mind and my heart aren't speaking the same language right now. I suppose it's better to do nothing and just deal with it...thanks for the reply JA. Yeul: howdy! Yes, this forum is basically my new best friend right now. I literally do not go a single day without going on here to try and calm my insanity and find ways to chill the hell out by reading the posts. I still wake up thinking about him, go to bed thinking about him... I don't even sleep in my own bed anymore, I'm on the couch now... (that just sounds pathetic..) Not pathetic at all. I have the ex on my mind constantly too. I think there's a certain amount of ownership that needs to be taken back when the ex leaves and has taken themselves out of our lives. I don't quite have the bed issue, but almost everything else is now "connected" to the ex and therefore I must get rid of it. Clothes, music, movies. Things that I liked doing and enjoyed...now they are tarnished because they remind me of her. So yeah, I need to work on taking my own damn life back. Be sure to eat, get plenty of sleep, and stay NC I lost so much weight after the BU...because I could literally not eat. I had to force myself to eat knowing full well I didn't want anything. Sleep was actually welcomed because it was a chance for me to escape my own brain for a while...even if it was only for a few hours a night. Those dreams though...some are unbearable. NC is definitely my motto...but it's as if I'm fighting a war against myself. How do I know if she would ever want to give the RS another shot if I don't talk to her? Everyone says that if she truly wants to get back together she'd have said so. But given that she was always the one to break NC (in the past month before i started this recent NC) I have the nagging feeling like I should say something just to keep the lines of communication open. Now, she's done breadcrumbs before and I (stupidly) ate them up. I almost want her to contact me again just so I can ignore her and gain some control back...but then I would be using NC as a game and not as a healing tool. ...or am I completely screwed up in the head? once the pain of this subsides, hopefully you will find someone that wants to work it out as much as you do, since every relationship has it's problems. I truly hope so...I don't know if I've been looking through rose-colored glasses my whole life or what but I'm starting to seriously doubt that I can handle relationships. Then again my emotions are pretty much a mixed bag at this point so perhaps I do need to just try to freaking relax for a change. Link to comment
Yeul Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 GG, reading your reply is like a wrote it myself. Things that I was into before he came along, that suddenly we shared together, are now just things that remind me of us. It's hard, but you have to remember who you were before this person waltzed into your life. You are an individual, unique in your own right. Hold onto that. Read new books, see new movies. It's all like a band aid, I'm watching a show right now that we started watching together. Is it hard to watch alone? Sure. However, I ripped off that band aid and I'm glad, because this show is too awesome to not watch. Ha ha ha. It's funny that you mentioned rose colored glasses... my mother was just talking to me about taking off the rose colored glasses... but, isn't that what life is about? This is the only life that we have.. why not want to see the good in the world, and believe that good things can happen? That love can happen. As far as your NC, I've gone back and forth on the same thing. In my instance, there has been no contact from day 1 on both of our parts. I want him to contact me, and I don't think that he wants me contacting him. Then I start to think, maybe he thinks the same thing, and that's the reason he isn't contacting me? However, either way, I know that I have to heal. No matter what is going on. Just like you do. Even if she did come back and want to give the RS another shot, she has already walked away once. Remember this -- The biggest predictor of the future, is past behavior. Link to comment
duke nukem Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 Don't worry man, you'll get back to yourself with NC, I can assure you. And at first I couldn't even enjoy my own stuff. I would often frequent a firearm forum because firearms are pretty much my favorite hobby. LOVE them After the breakup I couldn't even bring myself to look at another AK for a while. It knocks you for six, I can attest to that. But you, me and everyone else will pull through. And yeah, this forum really helps with the process. Great people here! Link to comment
Guitarguy_82 Posted February 20, 2012 Author Share Posted February 20, 2012 either way, I know that I have to heal. No matter what is going on. Indeed. I just have to chalk it up to having my dignity in the sense that I won't give the ex the satisfaction of reaching out and conveying the message that I still want her in my life, even though deep down I want it to happen. The funny thing is is that I've been through worse breakups, one where the RS lasted years and went through the same mental gauntlet that is happening now; and I came out okay somehow. I realize that I without question need more time to fully let go and be able to look at forging a better life for myself.... Remember this -- The biggest predictor of the future, is past behavior. I need to let that sink in. I know that the ex's past behavior really screwed her up and I also know that she isn't going to change that.... For me however I'm still trying to look at that "past" me and ask, was that really who I wanted to be? Do I want to go back to that? I what I really desire is change. Change for myself to know that going forward I can look back and say "Yeah, I screwed up, but so did she, and I came out better for it because I took the time to reflect and not let it define me." I want to get to that point. I am reading new things, listening to new music, doing it piece by piece to reclaim some ownership of my own life. This is the only life that we have. This right here. This is great. I need to print this out and paste it on every wall in the house and at my workplace. I think since I just turned 30 it makes more of an impact too. Thanks for the replies so far. Link to comment
Guitarguy_82 Posted February 20, 2012 Author Share Posted February 20, 2012 Don't worry man, you'll get back to yourself with NC, I can assure you. And at first I couldn't even enjoy my own stuff. I would often frequent a firearm forum because firearms are pretty much my favorite hobby. LOVE them After the breakup I couldn't even bring myself to look at another AK for a while. It knocks you for six, I can attest to that. But you, me and everyone else will pull through. And yeah, this forum really helps with the process. Great people here! Well said, Duke! NC definitely has it's pros and cons...but at least you can't screw anything up while you're doing it, since you're effectively doing nothing. Now that it's been about a month for me, it's almost like a game: how much longer can I go without feeling that temptation? The days are definitely hard, but then I look back and say "hey I made another day". Link to comment
duke nukem Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 Well said, Duke! NC definitely has it's pros and cons...but at least you can't screw anything up while you're doing it, since you're effectively doing nothing. Now that it's been about a month for me, it's almost like a game: how much longer can I go without feeling that temptation? The days are definitely hard, but then I look back and say "hey I made another day". That's the best way to do it. Just think that contact won't help you any, and if you are wondering what she's up to well it's another late night at the office, something normal. Don't let your mind wander. Of course, let your emotions run their course, don't bottle things up. Let it out for a short bit, and then do something fun. It definitely helps relieve my stress. And when in doubt, you can always go shoot something or blow something up. Makes me smile every time haha Link to comment
Guitarguy_82 Posted February 20, 2012 Author Share Posted February 20, 2012 And when in doubt, you can always go shoot something or blow something up. I haven't fired a gun in years!...I need to check out my local gun range Link to comment
duke nukem Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 I haven't fired a gun in years!...I need to check out my local gun range Haha yeah man! Nothing like firing of a full mag from an AK to make you feel alive again! Love the smell of gunpowder in the mornin'... Link to comment
Yeul Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 I live in Texas and I've never shot a gun.................... I think I'm missing out on something here. Link to comment
duke nukem Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 I live in Texas and I've never shot a gun.................... I think I'm missing out on something here. WHAT?! How can you call yourself a Texan if you've never shot a gun? I'm a Yank for crying out loud Link to comment
dumPI Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 This is the only life that we have.. This right here. This is great. I need to print this out and paste it on every wall in the house and at my workplace. I think since I just turned 30 it makes more of an impact too. Thanks for the replies so far. When I read both of you, I thought of this. hope it helps! The Holstee manifesto: link removed I printed it out and stuck it to one door at home. Link to comment
Guitarguy_82 Posted February 20, 2012 Author Share Posted February 20, 2012 Yeul, if you're anywhere near Dallas (where I am) there's a bunch of gun ranges where you can go take a class and fire to your heart's content. It's fun I promise! How can you call yourself a Texan if you've never shot a gun? LOL. hey...we're not all rednecks who live on farms...although there's plenty down here haha How's everyone's morning?? I'm at work and first thing I did was log onto this site. Link to comment
Yeul Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 WHAT?! How can you call yourself a Texan if you've never shot a gun? I'm a Yank for crying out loud I'm a disgrace. I accept this. Hahahaha. GG- I live in Houston, but I'm from Dallas. I know the area quite well! Ha ha ha. I'm at work... with my kiddo.......... it's been an interesting morning. O_O Link to comment
Guitarguy_82 Posted February 20, 2012 Author Share Posted February 20, 2012 When I read both of you, I thought of this. hope it helps! I just printed that out, dumPI... thanks! Yeul, I am from Houston and live in Dallas...looks like we flip-flopped. Hope everyone is well. Today seems to be less "crazy" for some reason. I think the more time I spend on this site the easier it is to find a quick way to calm the insanity before it takes over! lol Link to comment
duke nukem Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 LOL. hey...we're not all rednecks who live on farms...although there's plenty down here haha Gun owner's aren't rednecks, they're true Americans! Link to comment
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