Guitarguy_82 Posted February 19, 2012 Share Posted February 19, 2012 Just need to vent today, so bear with me: Dated the ex for 3 months. Broke up right before Christmas. She would text every now and then (superficial things) and I would respond. Last contact was about a month ago....so I'm chalking that up to the beginning of true NC even though I never fully stated that I was going NC, it just seemed assumed. I've had strong urges to contact her. She was always the one to contact me and now I almost have the feeling that it's "my turn" to reach out. The caveat here is that while I've been healing (so very very slowly), I know that I still have feelings for her and any type of contact will not be in my best interest. I thought that being friends might be possible a while back, but I don't think I could handle that right now. Needless to say I've been having a really hard time severing the heart strings. I've started working out, bought new clothes, dated a little bit, I'm hanging out with friends/family, etc...but I just feel lost mentally. I know that with NC we are supposed to get back to ourselves and find what made us happy before the ex came into the picture. My issue seems to be that I don't know if I want to go back to that version of me. I carry a lot of guilt and have spent plenty of time beating myself for the BU (not healthy, I know) and things I could have done differently...and so my thinking is "why would I want to go back to a version of myself that was clearly not able to properly make a relationship work?" The ex was not totally innocent; she made mistakes too. I wanted to work them out and she did not. I wanted a relationship, she did not. She said "I love you" first and apparently that was only a temporary phrase to her. If she lost interest (which I'm thinking is the case, along with the fact that she was "hanging out" with other guys behind my back), then clearly I was not enough for her to want to be with me. My self-confidence has been low and I'm finding it hard to really figure out what I "want". All I can think of is her and the past and now I'm starting to almost change how I carry myself to act like someone she would want again. It seems so pathetic just writing that out, but it's the truth. I realize the benefits of NC...but fighting the urges to contact her is starting to come to a boiling point. I can only listen to so many angry songs about being "strong" and saying "to hell with the past and those that have wronged you" before it just becomes meaningless words. I've gone from feeling like I want to die to feeling like I wish she was dead. Every range of emotion in between has been expressed at some point: sadness, happiness, anger, resentment, guilt, etc.... I just feel so stupid because it was only a 3 month relationship and yet I wanted so much from it. I wanted it to work. I wanted to be with her....and now there's nothing. She apologized right at the very end of things, but I never really got any answers as to why. Every time I would ask her about something serious all I ever got back was "I don't know". I'm not sure if that counts as closure or not...and I don't know if that's what I'm really seeking, or if it will even matter now. Again, I'm feeling lost and confused. I need someone to slap me in the face a few times and pour a bucket of cold water on my head and tell me to snap out of it. My friends are tired of hearing about it as are my sisters. I'm pretty damn tired of it too to be honest. Any advice other than "just keep NC and it will get better" would be highly appreciated! Link to comment
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