To the people who want to contact their ex/say nasty things/glare at them etc.

purbit · February 18, 2012

I'm new here, but i've noticed alot of posts and threads about this and would like to express my view on it, purely for your own benefit.

When someone has left you, particularly after a long term relationship it has been going through their heads for a long time. This typically isn't something that happens when they meet a new waitress (or waiter) when they are at the shops. The resentment, lack of care, fighting, differences between you have compounded to the point that they think they can do better. At this point they usually start to 'assess their options' it is common, most humans do it. They look around, see what else is out there and how easily available it is.

In addition to this how 'well' we have done with our partner is an essential part of our self esteem. Most people have an internal compass to determine if they have a socially acceptable mate, and dating above their 'rating' makes them seem in the eyes of others as having done really well. I'm sure most of you have looked at your partner and thought 'i've done well' or 'they're doing well'.

Now onto the third bit, contacting them with sappy or aggressive messages. Being 'onto them', calling them out on their 'lies' etc. Because of the first point the reality of the situation is, they really don't care what you think. If they've left you and have run of with someone else they have shown an absolute disregard for your feelings regardless of how touchy and nice they want to appear when they talk to you. The bottom line is when someone lies and rebounds they really do not care about you, or if they have a sceric of care they put their own happyness first. Now lets not blow this out of proportion, chances are they don't want to burn your house down or shoot your dog, they have just decided that they'd be more happy elsewhere. Most of the time they would probably prefer not to be inflicting this pain on you and that you would 'just get over it', but they're doing it anyway, because right now they want to lie/date this person/whatever.

Now when you show anger/bitterness or beg them it shows them a few things.

1. They really don't care, they are over it and want to move on, they've given this serious thought and doing this pushes them further away (that doesn't matter).

But 2. It makes you look pathetic. This is the most important thing here, you know the satisfaction you get of 'dating up'? Well imagine the satisfaction they will get if they had already thought they were dating up by dating you, and you turned into a quivering, angry mess in front of them? Congratulations, you have just shot their ego through the roof. They don't care that they lied to you, they love that you are angry at them. Indifference is the most offensive thing in the world. Anger/hate shows that you care, that they are some angel worthy of your passion and feelings.

The second you text them showing anger or desperation you are just justifying their decision to break up with you, because these feelings at the end stem from 'i could never find someone like them I love them so much' and that is a state of mind that you will get over very very fast.

So if your angry at your ex, keep it to yourself, if they dumped you chances are they have well and truly moved on. Tell your CLOSE friends who are not going to repeat it, go speak to someone about it (a professional) and just keep on moving forward. Remember the grass is rarely greener and there was a reason they were with you. If you can take a breakup on the chin and get on with your life you keep the most important thing, your self respect.

Good luck to you all and god bless, I apologize if i sound preachy, its just the tone I seem to write on in here.

edit - and if you run into them or they contact you, play it cool. But most importantly DONT SPILL EMOTIONS. They will send you teasers for some time after you break up and you will be tempted to be like "OMG YES I DO MISS U" don't do it. Before you send any message read over it and make sure it conveys a happy tone, impartial and no unnecessary emotion. If it includes the word 'miss, hate, angry, upset, hurt" then you are spilling.

If you have the urge to contact them, don't. No good will come of it and when you run into them in person be happy, friendly and always have somewhere to go.

East4 · February 18, 2012

Awesome post!

newyear · February 18, 2012

what if I wanted to tell him that I succeeded in achieving a high career advancement. I want to prove that I am better than him,

purbit · February 18, 2012

what if I wanted to tell him that I succeeded in achieving a high career advancement. I want to prove that I am better than him,

By feeling the need for his approval you are showing that you are indeed not better then him by demonstrating that you still care about his opinion. By not contacting him you are achieving your goal.

scorpion666 · February 18, 2012

This post is so true. But my question is, is NC even worth it if they dont even care about you and have moved on? how are you meant to win someone back when you stuffed up and NC doesnt even bother them?

purbit · February 18, 2012

This post is so true. But my question is, is NC even worth it if they dont even care about you and have moved on? how are you meant to win someone back when you stuffed up and NC doesnt even bother them?

If you had the power to 'win them back' they wouldn't have left you.

It works like this.

Contact = You look like your not over them, that makes you look pathetic. People don't value what is easily attainable. Do you value dirt or gold? Desperation is a huge turnoff. So by contacting them you are making yourself less valuable, reducing your chances of getting them and making yourself go through all the negative emotions.

No Contact = They have no idea how you are, they may miss you. They respect you because you don;'t need them and are getting on with their life. Unfortunately alot of people blow this when their ex comes back and they go "I MISSED YOU SO MUCH I COULDN'T FUNCTION WITHOUT YOU" and they undo all their good work, they look needy, needyness is not attractive.

The most impressive trait in my view that a human can have is self respect. People who respect themselves have higher quality traits. You don't see people with huge self respect going out and hooking up with 30 different partners in the space of a year. When someone has disrespected you, made it clear they don't want you and yet you still try and win them back you are just saying to them you are a punching bag. Its a hard virtue to hold yourself to sometimes, but the second you start doing it becomes very clear the people you do and don't want in your life.

You should not be hell bent on winning your ex's back, there is eligible girls and boys everywhere, your mind just deludes you into projecting your ex's greatness. Even if you can't get with someone quite as attractive at the end of the day you want to be with someone who appreciates you and respects you.

The idea of 'winning' a girl's affection is backwards anyway, they arn't the prize, you are. (Same goes to you ladies, although I must say that 90% of men already see you as the prize to be won). You should never have to 'win' someone, they should recognise how awesome you are and be attracted to you. The second you make them the prize you have already lost.

newyear · February 18, 2012

I am beginning to wonder why do we have to stop contacting in the first place. if I have something to say to the ex I should be able to tell them.. as nothing on earth is gonna change their mind. at least I feel good about airing my anxiety . if we nice and kept the NC they will forget and ignore us . and if we're nasty they might actually have something to do or say to us.

I need someone to actually tell me how to get him back please. days and days are passing and I am sitting watching. Understand you can't force anyone to come back but what about the power of negotiation and convincing? I don't think I can afford another 3 years of my life to just vanish like this. there must be words that we can use to convince them. NC seems lame and helpless. especially when the suffering actually outweight the sepration or the cause of it. I am fuming and what to get my ex back.

scorpion666 · February 18, 2012

I agree with new year and also another question, what about if im the dumper? isn't it up to me to initiate contact since i left her? and also because we left on bad terms and did alot of silly and hurtful stuff to one another

purbit · February 18, 2012

I'm sorry to hear you are going through this, its difficult but most humans who date have been there.

I must say, not contacting your ex is the best thing for you. He is not going to come back because you got a job promotion, the worst thing you can ever do is try and prove your value to someone. You are fine just how you are and its his loss.

Not contacting your ex isn't a tool to win your ex back, its mostly a tool to help you grieve. And i'm telling you i've had friends that break it and go through the cycle again and again and it just prolongs you.

The only thing lame and helpless is contacting them hoping they'll realize your value and return, that is lame and helpless. Not contacting them is powerful, he doesn't know your suffering. Let me also tell you its much harder for guys who just get out of relationships, we don't typically have hundreds of women throwing themselves at us.

The 'separation' as you put it is not within your control. Contacting him won't make it go away. He knows he can have you back, but with every passing day doubt grows in his mind and that makes him more likely to take action.

I assume you're young and attractive, there is plenty of decent guys out there.

Also the 3 years were not wasted, you had those experiences, when the pain calms down you will be able to appreciate them further. If someone has 10 partners over 50 years that is not 50 years wasted. You're living your life, right now, stop moping about someone not worthy of your time.

EgoJoe · February 18, 2012

I agree with the OP and disagree when you have held your tongue and need to tell someone off and there is no "wanting them back" in what you say.

Sometimes telling them off is the best thing you can do for your self-respect.

purbit · February 18, 2012

I agree with new year and also another question, what about if im the dumper? isn't it up to me to initiate contact since i left her? and also because we left on bad terms and did alot of silly and hurtful stuff to one another

If you dumped them i'd say yeah its up to you.

purbit · February 18, 2012

I agree with the OP and disagree when you have held your tongue and need to tell someone off and there is no "wanting them back" in what you say.

Sometimes telling them off is the best thing you can do for your self-respect.

I agree to an extent. You would be amazed how much assumed disapproval can eat at the soul compared to anger they can retaliate too.

EgoJoe · February 18, 2012

I've seen anger retaliated to and crushed it.

scorpion666 · February 18, 2012

purbit how long do i wait to contact her? As you can see from one of my threads we have had a nasty break up...yes i broke it off with her because i thought at the time it was the right thing to do but now i am regretting it hell bad. We have also had massive fights after the break up and i did alot of stupid things that didnt help matters and now she hates me and doesnt want me back but one day id still like to clear the air with her....what do i do in my case?

purbit · February 18, 2012

I've seen anger retaliated to and crushed it.

Anger's a pretty destructive emotion really. It's just sharing the misery. If you approach the situation with the view of 'her loss' there is nothing to be angry about.

People are (unts, most people on this site are aware of that. If they lie and cheat on you (which i've had girls do) its a problem with themselves, nothing else.

purbit · February 18, 2012

purbit how long do i wait to contact her? As you can see from one of my threads we have had a nasty break up...yes i broke it off with her because i thought at the time it was the right thing to do but now i am regretting it hell bad. We have also had massive fights after the break up and i did alot of stupid things that didnt help matters and now she hates me and doesnt want me back but one day id still like to clear the air with her....what do i do in my case?

I havn't read your threads, but is she receptive to you talking to her or is she likely to hang up on you? When did you last speak to her?

scorpion666 · February 18, 2012

purbit, she hangs up on me and tells me to leave her alone but in a more hostile way... i havent spoken to her in 2 days and we have been broken up for a month now....but its like everytime i try to sort stuff out she goes crazy at me and tells me that shes moved on to someone else and she doesnt care about me anymore and that im a "psycho ex and the worst of all her exs" which hurts a lot. i know i cant contact her now but how long should i wait? and believe me i do regret my mistakes and i am learning the hard way

EgoJoe · February 18, 2012

Yeah, I personally turned the other cheek went ninja NC after I was getting excuses. Months later, I slipped up and did FB snooping. I didn't admit this, but, I first confronted "respectfully" when my Ex lashed out to demonize me, I let her have it.

Felt great. Completely unnecessary but I don't care what she thinks anymore. My biggest regret is turning the other cheek.

purbit · February 18, 2012

purbit, she hangs up on me and tells me to leave her alone but in a more hostile way... i havent spoken to her in 2 days and we have been broken up for a month now....but its like everytime i try to sort stuff out she goes crazy at me and tells me that shes moved on to someone else and she doesnt care about me anymore and that im a "psycho ex and the worst of all her exs" which hurts a lot. i know i cant contact her now but how long should i wait? and believe me i do regret my mistakes and i am learning the hard way

You probably won't want to hear this but i'm going to suggest you move on and never contact her.

She has a new partner, and she is threatening you. There is no way I could recommend that you contact someone like this. It sounds like you've hurt her quite severely and unfortunately women rarely forget this kind of thing. Sorry that this isn't what you wanted to hear but I think you are having real trouble dealing with the breakup emotions.

Its tough justice, but the decision has been made for you. When she has said stuff like that its completely on her.

purbit · February 18, 2012

Yeah, I personally turned the other cheek went ninja NC after I was getting excuses. Months later, I slipped up and did FB snooping. I didn't admit this, but, I first confronted "respectfully" when my Ex lashed out to demonize me, I let her have it.

Felt great. Completely unnecessary but I don't care what she thinks anymore. My biggest regret is turning the other cheek.

I've done this as we all have. (Maybe not with the same level) I was really hurt when a chick cheated once and I lashed out. She went around telling people what an * * * * * * * I was afterwards. I just smiled.

Just be glad you're not with them.

scorpion666 · February 18, 2012

no its ok i understand and i am deeply sorry for hurting her but i guess you dont realize what you have lost until you actually lose it. I just dont know how she could move on so quickly and not even want to reason or work things out with me, thats what hurts the most. I want to be civil with her at least but i guess i should just let her inititate if she ever does?

seoulmate · February 18, 2012

As a guy... I know that once I've disconnected myself from someone, and leave the relationship, there is no returning. You could tell me everything that is on your mind, vent your anger, and so on, and it will act to:

1. Reinforce my reasoning for why I have left you.

2. Repress any guilt I may have for why I have left you. In other words, maybe I've felt guilty but by my ex 'speaking her mind' to me she has only reduced that guilt to nothing and actually provided me with relief. A sense of "wow, I've done the right thing..."

If there is any hope in me returning to my ex, in which case she me reject me anyways, it will take me time away from her to:

1. Begin to remember her good points. Miss her a lot. Maybe enough to want to work on the relationship again.

2. Allow me to "rethink" the relationship. Can I change for her? Can she change for me? And, what would change if we got back together?

In my opinion, when a relationship breaks down, and there is no way for it to go forward in the current state, then both people involved need to step back and say 'hey this is not working. we're killing ourselves. we haven't figured it out while we are together. we need to step away and figure out why I am not happy and why you are not happy.'

My ex left me 6 months ago. I didn't contact her one time. I wasn't sure if I was the reason the relationship failed or was she the reason, or was is it a combination of us both? Regardless, I am my own being and I can only work on myself. I cannot control someone else. I cannot 'negotiate' with someone else. If I cannot make myself happy then how the heck am I going to make someone else happy.

I did not throw away a year and half with her. I learned a lot about myself. I learned a lot about her. I learned we are not in the right place in our life to make any relationship work.

If you are wondering,...she has contacted me at the 4th month point. And the 6th month point. Each message progressively increasing in warmth. But, here's the thing...

If I go back to her, what has changed? It took me 38 years to become the person I am. How do I "change" in just 6 months? How do I become a better person to me in just 6 months? It sure as heck isn't because I'm going to the gym or from my business success. She could care a less about those things. She cares more about one basic point: can I spend everyday for the rest of my life beside this person? If the answer is 'no' then it will always be 'no'.

One thing I did to help me deal with the rejection of being dumped was realize that this pain may be far less than the pain to come down the road. What if I stayed with a person for years and years and years, and we were never happy, and we never grew as individuals, or as couple. And then woke up one day 20 years down the road and there was a just note on the pillow. What if she had just settled for me? or we had 'invested' so much time that she just decided to 'go with it'. Is that really happiness? No.

I'm not happy without her now. But that is because I AM not happy. I have to figure out what will me make me happy, and it won't be another human being.

During these last 6 months the one question I can always ask myself is: what if we got back together today? what would be different? what would change? In just 6 months...nothing would be different (in the long run). Maybe temporarily we would feel as if we have 'changed' but we'd both drift back to who we are. And who we are was shaped from years and years of experiences. And who we are, no matter how 'hard' we tried, was not compatible with each other. And no matter how good the sex was, or how nice we looked together, we couldn't last a week without finding each others' flaws and faults.

purbit · February 18, 2012

no its ok i understand and i am deeply sorry for hurting her but i guess you dont realize what you have lost until you actually lose it. I just dont know how she could move on so quickly and not even want to reason or work things out with me, thats what hurts the most. I want to be civil with her at least but i guess i should just let her inititate if she ever does?

She doesn't want to work things out with you, that's what she's sure of. She's hiding her feelings of hurt by moving on fast. That's what rebounding is about, hiding emotions. She no doubt has alot of feelings about you and probably talks to her new 'man' (he's not really a man, no one who takes a rebounding chick is a man) about you.

It doesn't mean she ever wants you back but.

EgoJoe · February 18, 2012

Great post Seoul.

To the OP: It wasn't as simple as that for me. But, I put an avoider on the run again. That usually means you hit a nerve.

scorpion666 · February 18, 2012

I just dont want her to ever forget about me despite of everything because we did have a really good relationship despite it being LDR, i screwed it up by breaking up with her when i shouldnt have an i know that, and did alot of things after the break up to make it worse which was only out of anger. I just wanted to at least try one more time to clear the air and write her an email but i dont even know if that will do any good

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To the people who want to contact their ex/say nasty things/glare at them etc.

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