When Friends Contact You ONLY for Advice/Help. So Annoying.

[wrgs]

i have a "friend" who contacts me whenever he needs some kind of advice. we have a bit of history, in which he used to like me but i'd rejected him. we took a break from communicating until i initiated it to ask him a question, strictly business. then he began to text me, leave me fb msgs occasionally just to say what's up, and to also tell me about his new lovely girlfriend. fine by me.

 

now it's gotten to a point where i'm just annoyed because we don't contact each other to really "talk." it's just a "hey, how's it going?" every so often via some virtual communication/text. yet whenever he needs some relationship advice, he contacts me and goes on for hours and hours. i listen to him, which at first i didn't mind, but now it's become his habit to contact me solely for relationship issues and holiday greetings.

 

i could tell him off, but i don't wish to do so. i've been curt and rude with him back when he used to follow me around due to his liking me, and i was not the friendliest person since he was annoying me then. i was a little nasty to him back then and i do feel some guilt from it, so i don't wanna repeat that again. that's mostly why i'm being all ears and giving him advice. he thanks me for being there for him and hearing him out.

 

i also have another friend - a good friend i've known for 3-4 years who contacts me daily about her bf problems, and it's been this way since 2 years ago when she started dating her ex-husband. this is about 98% of the conversation. i was her bridesmaid for her 1st wedding so i wanna believe it's because we're close. we no longer talk of other fun things as much. it's all about her job and boyfriend complaints. with her other friends she talks of vacations, fun events but with me it's all this kind of talk. when she gets really busy she stops communicating except to complain or when she needs some help/advice. with her i've tolerated it since i've known her for long, but since i also lead a busy life, i'm getting pretty annoyed.

 

is this normal? i'm trying to be understanding since i do know significant others are a major part of people's lives. on one hand, i appreciate them asking me advice for serious issues since it makes me think they somewhat value my opinion (interestingly enough, i'm not sure they even follow through with what i say....why even come to me then?) but on the other hand, i feel like i'm being used. i'm not some guru in all this either. i doubt i even have the right advice.

 

i guess, in short, i'm getting pissed i'm contacted for one purpose by these 2 people. it's not that i don't want to help - i do, but am i not fun for other discussions? i'm more pissed with the 1st guy i mentioned since we're not even buddies or anything. do i just tell him off?

 

is it my fault for being too nice to them? or am i being inconsiderate that i'm feeling this way?

 

thanks in advance!

[JA0371]

These people are emotional vampires and will suck the life out of you. It's toxic. Seriously...some friends just are not worth having in your life. Trust me. Been there done that.

[livelarge]

I wonder why you don't call them just to chat. After they tell you about their problems do you then turn the conversation to your favorite movie? Sometimes when we are in a problem mode, we don't think about anything but our own singular problem. And it takes a friend to say, "Enough about you, what about me?!" Plus I think we all we do is talk about the big problems, we forget how to communicate the small things because we start to think they are not important enough to share with somebody we only talk to once in a while. But truly, it's the small things that make up a life.

 

I'm guessing that there's a distance that has come in your relationship with them a long time ago and it's hard to say to people you once considered friends, "I don't consider you a friend any more." So you don't say it and you don't engage them and you hope they get the hint. But they don't get the hint. Now what do you do? If you are not going to tell them flat out that you don't want to be friends, stop picking up the phone. Wait 5 days before you return their call or don't return it at all.

[Generation]

I would never go to someone for advice if I didn't think we were close, especially on such personal matters. So while you don't think you're close with them, they're probably thinking they're closer with you. You guys are on two separate pages. For some people, being close means hanging out everyday and for some, just think of Zach Galifianakis' character in The Hangover, if you've ever seen it.

 

I'll be honest, and I don't mean to be offensive either, but it's people like you why I can't open up to anyone so sometimes I just gotta put on a facade until they ask me about it (and sometimes I actually really hope that they do ask me about it), and then when I do open up, it's like they opened Pandora's Box and then I just feel worse for laying it on them cause they can't handle me (and I'm not trying to say I'm stubborn or anything like that either) but I can see that they're annoyed and shut me down. That's kinda why I ended up here on this site.

 

What do you want from them? Are you fine being their "friend" or would you like to be more buddy-buddy with them or would you like to strictly have an acquaintanceship with them and keep them more at a distance? Depending on what you want, you can either tell him off, or try and open up more.

 

Also, some people's demeanor, it's hard to have fun discussions with them. I dunno if you're like that.

[Thorshammer]

I get this all the time too, with all my friends. I hear them out, give them advice for attraction, dealing with an ex, dealing with hurt, etc. I dont mind a call here and there, but to coach you for hours... heck no. Yet when i have issues, i go to my bestfriend, and i was there for her when she needed me too (thats why we are close). My other friends and family, nah, they are too busy and dont reach out.

 

I dont mind when MY life is stable, when i have my own issues swirling, and someone tries to flood me with theirs, i get really annoyed.

 

I would start getting distant, control the pacing and frequency of contact. You dont owe them anything. And for your specific situation, its easy to squeeze out of. I dont give a girl advice on her relationship with her man, thats the most annoying one, and to me is the most dismissive one (i dont think its appropriate to your bf to talk to me about his issues, i think you should just talk to her about this stuff, i cant help you nor understand what he thinks).

[laninaperdida]

This is all about roles.

Not everyone in life can be your BFF.

I'm sure you seek people out for a single purpose the way they do you.

 

Do you know someone who owns a club that you contact 1 Saturday a month so you can skip the line?

Or that person at Guess with the discount?

And don't deny it, lol.

I'm sure there is someone in your phone you haven't contacted for months until you got wind of that job opening (or whatever) that they have connections with.

 

Anyways, I don't think what they're doing is all that bad.

I'd be somewhat flattered that they think me intelligent (or diplomatic) enough to give advice.

Basically, it's a role I'm happy to accept - as long as not everyone in my life thinks that's all I'm good for.

 

You seem a little bitter that they don't want more from you.

All they want you in their life for is someone to talk to, but you want to be the girl in the pictures on the trip to Cancun,

 

My advice is if you don't like your role in a relationship, either try to change it or leave.