Surgery Scar Fears and Trying To Date Again

[sayer7]

I'm trying to date again (tonight was my first date after my break-up in July) but I'm having a set-back.

 

I had major tumor removal surgery last February (when I was still with my now-ex-bf) and it left me with a large 5 inch scar up to my belly button which became hypotrophic and even larger and puffier. It made me feel very ugly overall... which was only compounded when my bf told me it was hard to be romantically intimate with me because of the "big scar" on my belly and we basically stopped being romantically intimate altogether because of it (we didn't have sex more than once a month max even before I had my surgery).

 

I've used scar treatment patches, but it only reduced the scar slightly and it's now only 3 inches long but I can expect it to stay this way for a few years, if not for the rest of my life. So I'm really self-conscious about it and worried that guys won't want to be with me because of it.

 

As I said tonight was my first date and I kept feeling super conscious of my scar and wondering if he would still accept me if he knew I had it. If any guy would want to be with me romantically knowing I have a big scar for that matter or if they would all be repulsed the way my ex was.

 

Feel like I shouldn't even try to date and should just save myself a bunch of rejection. Back in middle school and high school I was in a wheel-chair and crutches for several years due to a sports injury and I remember how I always felt undateable until after I learned how to walk again in college. I just don't want to put myself through all that rejection again by trying to date when most guys would consider me "undateable." Except this time it's hidden under my clothes, not obvious like being in a wheelchair.

 

I'm scared that once they find out about my scar they'll feel like they've been tricked and reject me like my ex did.

 

So how would you deal with this kind of dating problem/set-back/issue? Should I just not date people until I feel dateable again (the scar goes away or at least gets reduced to the point where it's not repulsive looking)? Should I tell them right away that I have a big scar when we start talking about my surgery? My date brought it up tonight but I kept the discussion on the surgery and didn't mention the scar.

 

Any productive opinions and input welcome....

[Mr Mister1]

I hope I'm not alone here but if a guy decides they no longer want to date you because of a scar on your belly then you're probably better off without them. That type of attitude is just shallow.

 

If you are dating a decent guy who likes you for who you are then things like this shouldn't matter, it's what's inside that really matters.

 

I don't think you should stop dating but perhaps you should tell your potential dates upfront about the scar, that way if they are shallow jerks you can find out right away and save getting hurt later.

[tough_girl]

I don't think you should stop dating anyone just because of your scar. You need true lovers who loves you for your personality and not your looks. I suppose you could be nice and tell most of your dates about your scar the first time. If they accept it then that's someone you might want to spend your love and attention on.

 

I feel that everyone is 'dateable' no matter what, so don't put yourself down. You're different because of your scar but that doesn't make you weird. It makes you beautiful and special because not everyone has it.

 

You laugh at me because I am different, I laugh at you beause you are all the same

 

Keep the quote in mind and always hold your chin high if anyone teases or degrades you for having that scar. They are the people not worth spending a second on. Good luck!

[PunkPyro912]

if any guy is going to leave u just for a scar then that person is very VERY shallow. u dont need to be wiht people like that, u need to be with guys that dont care and just want to be with you cuz they care about you.

[OrangeCoke]

Your ex sounds like a jerk to me. He left you due to a small scar on your belly? Even 3-5 inches isn't that bad in the grand scheme of things. A girl I dated for 7 years had a 7 inch scar all the way up her outer thigh from a skiing accident - it looked like an earthworm. Didn't phase me one bit.

 

When you love someone, you see right past those flaws. I do recommend telling guys about the scar before you get intimate so it doesn't come as a surprise, but other than that it's almost a blessing - you can use it to filter out all the shallow people!

 

OC

[winkie]

I am amazed that you would even listen to that jerk. How dare he make you self conscious over something that he knew already bothered you. The only thing I can say is that you need to feel comfortable with yourself and realize that scare is a part of who you are. I am sure you are still beautiful. Please dont hesitate in dating again, I am sure you will find someone who will love you for who you are.

 

Here is a quote that I have picked up along the way

 

"Nobody is perfect to everybody, but everybody is perfect to somebody."

 

Start looking for that somebody.

 

 

[garotinha]

A person like you, who went through situations in life that are very tough to take, and survived, should be stronger after all.

 

You already had too many things to worry about in yout life (your surgery and being in a wheel chair) and that's why you shouldn't even be around people that don't admire your strengh for all what you've been through.

 

Everyone has scars... They can be in the skin like yours, or deeper inside. If people judge you for the one in your skin, they don't deserve one minute of your attention.

 

You must start dating again... But this time thinking about your hapiness, not what others are thinking about you.

 

Good luck!

[abcd1234]

All i have to say is that if someone truly cares for you then they will love you and accept you for who you are, scars and all. Anyone who is even going to consider thinking about leaving you over a scar is kind of pathetic - scars arent important, its YOU that is important.

 

abcd1234

[San123]

Hey, I too have a very large scar... its about 5 inches down my back (on my spine) I used to be very self conscious about it and hate for guys or girls to see it because I knew they were thinking "oh my gosh, what happened??" It blends in a lot better with my skin now, although not totally. Anyways, if this guy is going to act like that he is a huge jerk!! It's not like you could help having a scar and he is too caught up in appearance. Guys Ive dated have not cared about my scar at all, although when I knew they had seen it, I was afraid it grossed them out. My boyfriend noweven says he likes it, he thinks its cute and gives me character! (which by the way I know he's full of it, but it still makes me feel better!) Anyways, the scar will definitely get less noticeable with time. But you can find a guy who it doesn't bother at all...since most have imperfections as well!! Don't stop dating because of one jerk!

[sayer7]

Thanks for the encouragement.

 

I think my biggest problem is me. I remember after my emergency tumor surgery and laying in the hospital bed crying cause my main concern was that my bf of two years was going to stop thinking I was pretty and not want me anymore. I mean of course I could've really used a shoulder to cry on to hear about cancer and needing chemo and he wasn't there even when he knew no one was around to be with me (all of my family was out of town and couldn't be there). I had to drive myself to the hospital for pre-op and surgery and arrange everything for myself for when I was released from the hospital. He went out drinking with friends instead of being with me after surgery. I'd needed him and he wasn't available. I'm a strong and independent person, but sometimes I need some help and I get tired of relying on myself all the time. My doc said she admired me for being such a strong person for going through it alone but what else could I do- I had to be strong for myself cause no one else could help me be strong or be there to help me.

 

And then when I was allowed to intimate with someone 3 months later, he said my scar bothered him too much to be intimate with me-- it just hit home that everything I'd worried about was actually coming true.

 

So I think my main problem is me getting over that experience with my ex and I'm finding it really difficult to learn to accept myself and my scar and learning to trust other guys again cause I know the scar's unattractive and my ex helped me feel very un-special.

 

Guess time will tell...thanks everybody. Hope I meet that somebody that's reliable, dependable, and trustworthy, and loves me just the way I am. Cross your fingers for me.... I hope everyone that's still looking finds that somebody too.

[Scout]

God, I can't stand your ex, Sayer. (Having followed your story for some time, I'm always amazed at each new piece of news about that piece of work).

 

Anyway, I think the issue here is that a lot of feelings of insecurity dating from your high school injury are coming back now that you're ready to date again. That is normal. We all have insecurities about countless things - some of us don't have a car, or we think we're over-weight, or we don't make enough money, or we don't like our nose, our height...etc., etc.

 

Regarding your's, I acknowledge that you feel insecure about your scar, but a three inch scar on your tummy is hardly a disfigurement. Now get out there in the dating world, girl! You have a LOT to offer.