why do girls like jerks

[anonymous1990]

hey quick question

 

why do all the girls seem to be attracted to jerks who treat them like crap.

theyll call them bad words and then smile at them when they say they hate them, especially around their friends...but they like them...why do they do that?

[wanderer]

this question has been plaguing me forever. my girlfriend dumped me for an real jerk of a guy who's only interested in her body. it makes me so mad, since i'm a nice guy but very few girls actually like that in a guy (even though all girls say they want a nice guy)

[Gauchori]

This question is also driving me nuts. Girs say that they want nice guys but when they are some... do they pay attention to them? I have to say that I am a nice. I like hanging around girls and friends and stuff. But most pretty girls I see go for Idiots, the ones that are only interested in sex. I'm sorry for being so mean but is the truth. I had some girls interested in me but they will always leave me alone when they see that I will not go any further than just a pure friendship.

This is weird though but... a lot of girls seem to like the guys that have had a lot of relationships or something like that. Mabey they think that someone before that has been with him, found something interesting. So now mabey she is trying to find it herself. I don't know this may be w wile guess but it could be the truth

[shes2smart]

Speaking as a female who was attracted to a series of jerks and bad boys, it's all about control. I think it's fairly common that a woman doesn't want a man she can control. I hated guys like that...they struck me as weak and wimpy. The jerks and bad boys are not controllable, and there is always some drama going on. She can fool herself into thinking that sort of high drama is "true love" just because of the intensity and the feeling of not being able to control him. God knows I did it a time or two.

 

There was a post on the board a while back...I don't remember what category or who made it...but the poster (male) was replying to a question put up by another guy. The gist of the post was advising the question-asker to be a MAN, not a wimp. While I disagreed with some of the poster's points....I do agree with the sentiment of being a man and not a wimp.

 

It wasn't until later in life I learned the jerks and bad boys are just that, and a real man - a gentleman, if you will - was one who would treat me well, but at the same time not be controlled. It's a fine line to walk, but for the guys that can do it.....well, you won't be lacking for female company.

[Celadon]

Sexual chemistry is definitely part of a relationship, and with bad boys, it's just more obvious a quality they tend to have. (Maybe it even turned them bad, knowing they have all that power to attract people!) Bad boys also tend to have figured out what women want and like, so they have some degree of confidence.

 

Nice guys shouldn't give up though! I agree with S2S, girls and women want men who aren't doormats. We want a guy who brings something to a relationship. So develop your interests, sense of humor, and overall enjoyment of life (and no, I'm not talking about drinking! It's more in having a positive attitude). Those are attractive qualities.

 

Oh - be careful not to think that this is an issue that only goes one way. Plenty of men go for the bad but beautiful girls instead of the nice ones. So you're not interested in the plain girl who sits next to you in class? Why not, huh? She's probably nice!

[YNP8112]

SOME girls want bad guys cuz they feel they can "change them" and make them into that great guy that will love them forever. They don't see a challenge in us nice guys. Then there are those rare normal girls who actually realize that you can't change someone and actually go for the nice guys. Keep lookin and find the normal girl you'll be much happier with her.

[7CardStud]

Wow, great topic....

 

I have no idea why they like jerks...

 

Seems as though Jerks get the girls and us nice guys get to be there "best friends."

 

Anyways my question is why do girls lie about they look for in a guy?

[Jabe]

Wow, great topic....

 

I have no idea why they like jerks...

 

Seems as though Jerks get the girls and us nice guys get to be there "best friends."

 

Anyways my question is why do girls lie about they look for in a guy?

 

They don't necessarily lie. They "think" they want a nice guy. They don't look for the number one jerk and go out with him. It's all about chemistry, sexual tension and attraction. Nice guys just simply aren't attractive to girls. She has to respect you. Girls don't respect wussy's. A wussy is another term for nice guy. The nicer you are, the more easily you will fall into the friendship category.

[mahlina]

Good Question. There's two types of guys who I define as jerks, the "wanna be jerks" and the ones who are 'naturally jerks."

 

Based on my experience, yes, I agree with you, some ladies do have a tendency to find jerks attractive, but that wears off after a while. The guys who I met, who are naturally jerks, tend to have this natural style of charisma. They have this sense of knowing how to 'woo' women, and they do it so well. They act like 'nice' guys at first, but deep down inside, they're cold blooded snakes.

 

The other set of 'wannabe jerks' that I met, tend to be rookies. They think that if they walk around with some kind of degree in their hands, that the whole world should parade and bow down to them. They 'try' to be charming, key word, 'try', but in the end, they luck out with women. They're just rookies. (If anything, their uptight, rude attitude is what scares women off. They think that it's masculine and sexy, but it's just the oppossite of what attracts women.)

 

My point is: jerks or not, women will get fed up with it. The wannabe jerks are just easier to detect. Women naturally avoid them like a plague. They don't give them the time of day. Smooth jerks, what I often call 'the player' are harder to decode. Once women understand how the smooth jerks 'operate,' they also develop a distaste for these men too. It's just a matter of time and experiences. Most women don't know how those smooth jerks work. Once they do, they treat them like the phony, wannabe jerks. They kick them to the curb. lol

 

All in all, nice guys do win. It might seem like it as much at first, but it's mainly because women have not had the opporturnity to 'experience' and actually 'decode' those types of cold/decieving behaviors. Btw, it's so true about how you mention how we badmouth about guys who hurt us. I have a friend who does the same thing, but she keeps on coming back to him. My theory is, sometimes it takes people 8 times to actually 'learn' their lesson. It's all a matter of time.

 

Be you. Let your personality shine through. Women dig genuineness in a guy, someone who can naturally let out his personality. That's more charming than anything. Be proud of who you are, and forget about those jerks. In the end, it doesn't matter: nice guys are the guys who win.

[Prezkot]

As a perennial nice guy, I've developed a theory that the majority of nice guys get their due later in life. Girls want the bad guy because they know how to test the girl's limits and is a live wire. Like said before, the nice guy is just an old reliable stand-by.

 

But then you fast forward 10-15 years, and the bad boy is a middle-aged schmo, and the still-single girls get a revelation that they've been looking at it all wrong. Nice guys develop into perfect "father material" and grow out of being pushovers. It sucks for us, but at least we get SOME comeuppance.

 

Me, I've never really been into the "so hot she melts me girl", because I know it'd never work. Seriously my motto, I forget where I got it from, is "a hot girl, but not too hot to think she has the guts to mess around with other guys". So I TRY to get to know the oddly-pretty girls.

[Shinobie]

WOW,U give no good reasoning to it or nothing that make sense?U say u dont like control but yet when this guy treats u like crap u come back to say how bad hes treating u!!!i Mean COME ON!Why wouldnt u want a nice guy i mean i would treat my gf so well and never do anythign to hurt them?Should i just treat a women like a piece of meat i mean holy crap.Some of u women make no SENSE at all u r totally off the wall nonsense sometimes.Ur minds r so weird and confusing it doesnt even make sense some women r just so weird.They want someone to respect yet they want an arogant jerk who treats them like crap go figure...TY!

 

All i have to say i see no logic behind some of this i read it makes me

[Gauchori]

sad? Tell me about it...

[shes2smart]

It makes no sense to you because you are trying to distill several women's answers into a "one size fits all" theory. It won't work. We are all (men and women alike) individuals with our own likes/dislikes/preferences, and those all make sense in the context of who each of us is and what stage of life we're at.

 

What I liked and looked for in a partner (when I was single) is different than what the other women who posted to this thread are looking for. Also, look at the ages of the posters -- we are all in different stages of life and thereforeeee looking for different things. At 40, I can still see the allure of the bad boy, but I have already been on that roller coaster and know the ride crashes. I quit bothering with that type in my mid- to late-20's.

 

Y'all would have much more peace of mind if you stopped trying to "figure out women" and just concentrated on the particular person you were interested in -- with no comparsions and no assumptions that because Ms. X was one way that means Ms. Z is going to be that way too.

 

Because of the particular lifestyle choices I have made and preferences I have, I chose a guy who can come accross as being a bit arrogant. A high degree of confidence in oneself can come accross as arrogance to some people. He's not a jerk, and he treats me quite well. However, he's also strong enough and secure enough in himself that he will not be ordered around. If I ask him - politely and respectfully - to do something, he usually will, but if he really doesn't want to he'll speak up about it, too.

 

In theory, a 50/50 power split in a relationship sounds like a good idea. In actuality, it is very, very difficult - if not impossible - to maintain. Unless you both like a constant power stuggle and bickering, someone has to have a 51% share of the control in the relationship. Someone has to have the final vote. That person needs to be strong enough to take that role and at the same time be selfless enough to put the good of "the couple" ahead of their own wants, AND put the wants of the other person on a par with their own. A wimpy guy isn't gonna have enough (insert anatomical reference here) to do that nor can he be made over to do that. I tried it. It just turned me into a complete shrew....not pleasant for either of us.

 

The person with the 49% share has to have enough trust in the other person to go along with their decision, even if it isn't exactly what they think should be done. Again, that needs to be someone who is going to put the good of "the couple" ahead of their own individual wants. That person also needs to be direct enough to voice their wants/opinions and not leave the 51% parter guessing as to what those are.

 

The 70's feminists did a lot of good for women, but they also screwed some things up. This, IMO, was one of them. Women got this idea that they should do it all -- work, family --whether they wanted to or not, and men just didn't know what to do anymore. We were told we didn't need a man to take care of us --that we shouldn't want that, and we were somehow wrong if we did. I grew up in that era, and I can clearly see the echoes of it in everyone my age and younger. Those of you under, say, 25 or 30 perhaps don't have the history to put your confusion in context.

 

So while I don't NEED a man to take care of me, I prefer being in a relationship where he has the 51% share. This takes a very special sort of guy who just happens to have some superficial things in common with bad boys and jerks. At heart, he's one of the nice guys....but with more confidence in himself and some attitude.

[7CardStud]

I think im starting to get it, like others have said befor, women like a challenge, they like not having a man who will be there for her all the time. When they know they can have something, they get sick of it, and this so called 'arrogant/jerk' figure gives them exactly what they want, they want someone hard to get too...

 

I just don't think I can switch to becoming a arrogant person... Just the way me and my brother, who is 21, have been raised... I don't agree with the person who said nice guy's are wussies though... I just had to say that on the part of all nice guys. Nice guys aren't going to start a fight, but I'm one guy who will def. finish it, which actually ended up happening after I figured out my g/f was sexually assaulted and the guy came up and told me all the details... Can't be too nice to that guy (SORRY)

[PfcPotts]

Im a nice guy also but I'm far from a Wimp.. Ive been in the Marine Corps for over a year now and have done the most difficult training the military has to offer. Ive carried 120 pound packs over 60 miles, been through hundreds of hours of martial arts classes and will split someones head open if they feel like messing with me, or my girl. Its true though, girls dont care much for nice guys, they like to be beaten, cheated on, and lied to I guess. They are gluttons for punishment. If I ever seen a guy hit a girl I think Id probably kill him if someone didnt hold me back.

[Outlaw2747]

See this is where this stereotype needs to end! This stupid "nice guys are wimps and are insecure" junk. NO there is a difference between a generally nice guy and a needy, dependant, insecure guy. If I have to explain to some people then those individuals have no business being with someone, seriously. The jerks may have confidence but are they what you really want? If you appear weak, a guy can take advantage of you as well! I see it all the time, the guy can treat the girl like a sack of dead animals and she will complain and YET still stay with the guy, but since he is soooo cute and tough, they decide to saty with him. Now I could have sworn love was about HAPPINESS and not control and looks...I mean come on now!

 

As for that "girls want a challenge" junk, look at what is happeneing. They take this so called challenge and (this is not to offend you ladies, I am trying to drive a point in) most of them cannot even hack it! The guy destroys their heart and now they hate all men......biting off more than you can chew. With most jerks, you WILL NOT change them, even if they have feelings for you. For some odd reason, most men change by themselves and do not like to be controlled. Now here is my next question...

 

Think about it, I will put two somewhat undesirable guys here and try to make some logic out of it and I want some honest answers. You have a SUPER shy guy who barely knows anything about girls but he is completely nice (but not obsessive, that is why I said SOMEWHAT undesirable). And then you got your REALLY confident guy, he is borderline to being stuck-up and he has been with alot of girls. Now pick a challenge....would you rather have a guy with whom you can help out become a better man and picking him up off his feet and watch him grow with confidence and your love bloom together, or would you give MORE confidence to a guy who is already chock full of it? What is the challenge in that? You are making a stuck-up guy even more stuck-up! yet it would take you a while to help the guy who is feeling kinda low and he is more likely to give you what you want, because if you notice alot of guys feel alot better with female company and you are developing a shy guy into a generally good guy rather than making a shady guy feel all powerful.

 

Sorry for the long post but this has gone on far enough.....P.S. NOT ALL NICE GUYS ARE WIMPY AND INSECURE!!!!

[joe45]

ok i am the shy guy who barely speaks to women and starting now at 23 hmm maybe i should be a more contorlling person when it comes to the ladies.

more like this movie, this joint, this gym, this park or something like that

[wanderer]

outlaw is absolutely right. by going out with the over confident jerk, you're just convincing him that jerks like him deserve all the girls. i can't stand it.

[Massari]

I think it's mabe because nice guys seem desperate from time to time and that's a major tune off for a girl.. recently I can see my self attracting more girls cause right now I don't give a crap .. what's gonna happen .if it's ment to be it's gonna. but the minute I start ti give them some attention (which I thing women crave that) they play hard to get.

[Noggy27]

Its quite simple really..

 

Its the quest to obtain the unobtainable.

 

You know where you have the nice guy. You dont know where you have the bad guy. Theres more of a spark there because you dont know if hes going to turn around and kiss you or throw beer all over you and laugh. The sense of adventure and mystery drives them nuts and that feeling makes them feel like they have to earn this guys love and work hard for it. Why do people like movie stars and singers? Same reason.. The chances of you getting lucky with Brittany Spears is highly unlikely. So if she turned around and offered you a date you would throw yourself at the chance. Then after a couple of days you realise that shes just like everyone else and the mystery and adventure fades.

 

Being branded the nice guy is the kiss of death..

 

This is a good article on what I mean: link removed

[Scout]

This question has been asked so many times at eNotalone, that I'm surprised it's still coming up. Are you guys reading the posts where this question comes up over and over?

 

It's also a stereotype. All women do not like jerks, nor do the majority of women. When we start thinking in stereotypes and generalizing everything, we are taking a shortcut to actual thinking.

 

We are also taking a shortcut to doing any needed work on ourselves by chalking up any bad relationship to "oh, I'm a nice person and that's why I got dumped."

 

When we start thinking like that, we start thinking of ourselves as victims in the relationship process with little power or control over our relationships. And that sends a clear vibe out to the opposite sex: "Clingy doormat." Which is hardly desirable.

 

Yes, there are people out there that make profoundly bad relationship decisions. You don't have to be one of them.

[pilot11]

hey quick question

 

why do all the girls seem to be attracted to jerks who treat them like crap.

theyll call them bad words and then smile at them when they say they hate them, especially around their friends...but they like them...why do they do that?

 

Yeah it's definitely sad to see. Some of those girls will learn the hard way unfortunately. I'm not sure what percentage of them get married, it would be interesting to see.

[Outlaw2747]

Sorry to say but it is the majority of girls that go for these sneaky devils. But it is also not their fault. Here is the problem, alot of the jerks APPEAR as nice guys, treat them nice at first and to this sweet thing and that sweet thing...whatever. Then after they have gotten what they want or get bored, they throw the poor girl in the trash. To be honest, I don't know a whole lot of girls who purposely go for guys who treat them like a rotting crab but I hear alot about it and it is appalling. Makes you wonder why some of us stay nice but I cannot see myself as a stuck-up loser. My conscience would eat me alive. I stay nice because I am proving to myself that I am better than the jerks. Besides, why would I want a misguided girl anyways that don't know what the heck she is doing?

[WadeCure]

I'm with outlaw. I'll admit it, I'm a nice guy. Do you know how I feel about being a nice guy? I feel great about it. Reason being is that I'm genuine, passionate, and sincere in my niceness. If a girl wants me, fantastic, if not, cut my losses and go. I don't consider myself a clingy doormat but I do like to make a girl happy. I do stand up for myself as well as the girl I'm with.

 

So now that that is done and having read the David DeAngelo garbage and the ladder theory and such, I have one piece of advice for the nice guys. You know that you are genuine. You know that you have precious things to offer. So, offer it!

 

So my question is, whats the difference between the typical "nice guy" and a clingy doormat?

 

Travis

[mahlina]

That's so true Outlaw.

 

About the 'nice guy' vs.' clingy doormat,' I wouldn't hold onto those words too literally. When I meet a guy, I don't judge him and think that he is clingy or not. I guess it's because I haven't run into many of them. But the only times that I have, the traits that a clingy guy has to me is:

1. Being overly possessive.

2. Expecting too much from a girl, when he barely knows her. I.E. just wanting her to be around too much.

3. Calling too much. (When I mean calling too much, I mean calling more than 10 times a day. At that point, it gets a little too freaky).

 

Basically, just not allowing the other person have their space in the beginning of an exclusive relationship, or even just getting 'to know' them (i.e. dating). When you're in a relationsihp with a girl, it's okay to want to spend more time together. At that point, it's exclusive. So naturally, both people will hang out with each other more often, because they want to, and because they enjoy their partner and respect them as bestfriends. So at that point, getting a little jealous is okay (I wouldn't suggest showing it too much though), or hanging out or calling each other on a regular basis is not bad. One of my ex's did that, and I didn't see it as him being clingy. It was more like we were close friends. But with the other guys, it was more of a turnoff, because we were not exclusive. For them to act that way, it scared the heck out of me, and made me feel as though they were clingy. Hope this made sense.