Do Men Resent Women Who Don't Work & Stay At Home?

[OptomisticGirl]

This is one of the biggest reasons I want to go back to work either full time or part time after the maternity leave. I think it's great if a mom can stay at home with the kids forever and ever, but that's also a huge risk on their part. My mom hasn't worked in... Lord... 10 years? Her and my stepdad could really use the extra income even from her working part time but she can't get a job because she's been out of the work force too long. No employer is looking at the fact she had been working since she was 14 and that she's held multiple jobs down for years and years at a time, she's just been out of it way to long. For me that's a huge wake up call. Even if it's only part time, I def. plan on going back.

[Batya33]

This is one of the biggest reasons I want to go back to work either full time or part time after the maternity leave. I think it's great if a mom can stay at home with the kids forever and ever, but that's also a huge risk on their part. My mom hasn't worked in... Lord... 10 years? Her and my stepdad could really use the extra income even from her working part time but she can't get a job because she's been out of the work force too long. No employer is looking at the fact she had been working since she was 14 and that she's held multiple jobs down for years and years at a time, she's just been out of it way to long. For me that's a huge wake up call. Even if it's only part time, I def. plan on going back.

 

I figured out that I wanted to be home full time before he was in school (and I don't mean "school" for 2 year olds or younger -school when the child needs that extra socialization and readiness for elementary school). I agree it's a tough balance because of the gap in a resume and it depends what the job/career is as far as its effect on that.

[OptomisticGirl]

I figured out that I wanted to be home full time before he was in school (and I don't mean "school" for 2 year olds or younger -school when the child needs that extra socialization and readiness for elementary school). I agree it's a tough balance because of the gap in a resume and it depends what the job/career is as far as its effect on that.

 

They make school for 2 year olds? Wow. i def. want to (realistically) be out for the first 6 months and then go back full time. with us wanting multiple kids and the cost of day care (even at L's work where he gets a 20% discount) we'll be eating a lot of day care cost until the kids go into primary school. Once the kids are in school we're going to leave it up to how we feel then about me going back part time while the kids are in school or staying on full time.

[Batya33]

Further to the title of this thread, no, my husband would not resent me if I chose not to work outside the home-he would be supportive. But, if my reason was so that I could have lots of leisure time (and I was under 70 years old) - meaning, son is in school and I planned to hire people to help around the house- he would be surprised (well shocked actually) since he knows what a strong work ethic I have.

[hers]

I feel like we as a society have gotten pretty spoiled. My mom worked full time when we were growing up (there are 2 of us, me and a sister) and was a single mom. She relied on help from my grandparents and various friends and family members to help with childcare, and when that wasn't possible, we had babysitters. Yes, she got child support from my dad but we weren't wealthy in the very least. We struggled but she still managed to provide a nice home for us, one that included home-cooked meals and clean living quarters.

 

Why must we argue about this? Don't you think it's possible for some people to work full time and have a family that they are dedicated to? Why do we have to throw around the word "unrealistic"? Why is it so unfathomable to have both? It seems many people are forgetting that single parents out there do this every single day--they work and raise a home. So why the argument that it's "more realistic" to have one parent at home working to the bone with their kids and home all day while another makes the paycheck?

 

Why not just say "What works for some may not work for others?"

 

I personally could never not work, for many reasons, including the reason OG just mentioned--you can blacklist yourself from getting a job by staying home for 5 years while you take care of your child b/c it's so competitive out there. But what works for some may not work for others. There are pros and cons to staying home with your child and pros and cons to working while parenting.

 

For what it's worth, my sister is a full-time elementary school teacher with a 2-year-old son. She's married, and my mom lives with them and helps with the baby but only to save on daycare costs. My mom has her own job that she works at nights while my sister and BIL are home with the baby. but when my mom does have to work some days, they have a babysitter and it doesn't break their bank.

 

it's quite possible to do it all, people.

[Batya33]

I know I could do it all right now (despite not having the luxury Hers described of having a grandmother who can babysit) but I know my "do it all" would be a disservice to my 2 year old (in my personal situation). Even now I have to remind myself that "doing it all" -getting to every activity/class/playdate, maximizing every minute is an illusion of doing it all because to him, staring out a window with me and telling me what he sees out there or rearranging the sock drawer yet again while we read a book is far more important than squeezing in an extra five or ten minutes of the activity I had planned. It's not about relaxing -I'm still "on" just the same whether we're pondering the universe or rushing home from the supermarket - but it is a perspective shift about the meaning of "all".

 

At least to me "doing it all" usually entails top speed and the best thing I've learned from my job now is to slow down and study a ladybug as often as possible. And honestly although my outside job requires tons of adrenaline, speed and productivity I'm seeing that it might not hurt to slow down once in awhile especially when I need to motivate a team of people - "doing it all" sometimes ends up selling people short and missing out on some great ideas that no one wants to share because of how rushed everything and everyone is. Often the "all" in doing it all when it comes to work/family is all on paper only but isn't really working beneath the surface. Of course not everyone but I've seen many examples of that.

[Alpine]

When I was school - from early on all the way into HS - I had many female teachers who worked full time and had kids, many who were in the same school as me. I'm sure they had a dedicated partner who helped them as such but as Saffron said, saying it's unrealistic for everyone is, initself, unrealistic. It's just based on each famliy. For me my mother worked 2 full time jobs and raised 3 kids. She never had help from my father (despite the fact he was home) and what little help she did get was from my grandparents. So for me it can be done, it's just a matter of if you want it to or if it fits your family's plan and such.

 

See? Even you without realising, said you had many 'female' teachers who worked full-time and had kids. We don't even consider men that work full-time and have kids. If both parents work full-time, somehow it is still expected that the mother look after the kids even if her working hours are the same as her husband's. (Of course I know this isn't always the case, I am indeed generalising, but there are many sociological studies that show even when both parents work full-time, the woman in the relationship ends up being the primary caretaker. It's called the 'second shift' - see sociologist Arlie Hockschild and others for empirical data.)

 

You are right it is not expected of men and seldom happens with men. It is very very very seldom a man gives 50% at home to care of the home and kids. Women are expected to give far more than 50% when they work outside the home and even with the same level job. Saying that though there are some very good men out there who DO give a lot at home.

 

Exactly. There are lots of fantastic, supportive husbands out there who are the primary caretakers and involve themselves in their children's lives. BUT women usually give far more than 50% towards the upkeep of the home EVEN WHEN they are working the same full-time hours of their husband (again, see sociological studies). This is why many women don't work full-time and opt to work part-time or stay at home and look after their children.

 

I just find it interesting how people are saying it's not unrealistic for the woman to work full-time AND look after children, but they don't think that the father should work full-time and look after children.

 

EDIT: And I will also retract my comment about it being 'unrealistic.' It is certainly realistic that a woman can work full-time and care for children. It happens in many families. But it makes life a lot harder and a lot more stressful - especially when both parents are working the same full-time hours but it is still the woman who does the primary home care taking outside of work (a 'second shift' as sociologists call it).

 

And back to the point of the original post - I don't think women who chose to stay at home and look after children/the house, or women who choose to only work part-time should be resented. I think that if their family is financially secure enough that they can work less hours to spend more time with children/house chores, then that is their choice for their family and that doesn't warrant resentment.

 

Does anyone here resent husbands who work full-time, like their wives, but don't put in as much time towards childrearing and housework?

[OptomisticGirl]

I'm sure I had many male teachers who worked full time and had kids - but most of the male teachers we had who had kids tha tI can remember were older men so their kids were older. Female teachers (in my experience) are just more open about talking about home life and their kids. My 1st grade teacher (a woman) had 2 kids and worked full time but her husband was the head football coach of our high school football team as well as teaching history classes (I had him in my HS days).

 

Last I checked no one in this thread has said fathers are exempt from working full time and looking aftre their children as well. In fact in most households were both aprents work full time, both pitch in in the house duties - unless you just have an unhappy marriage and that's another deal or a husband who believes certains things are only a woman's job. I'm a control freak - I like things done a certain way and their are certain household chores I think should be daily if not weekly - my husband just doesn't see them on the same level, so for us that's why most of the household cleaning stuff will fall to me. I'm not going to pawn off on him something that's not a 'need' to clean but something I want to do to go the extra mile to make our house look nice.

[Alpine]

OptomisticGirl, in response to your reply I would be interested to know how many husbands and wives there are on here who work the same amount of hours at work AND both put in the exact same amount of time and effort into childrearing and housework! (Not saying I am right or wrong, just interested! Just because from my experiences it seems that the mother is still the primary caretaker even if she works the same amount of hours as her husband.

[OptomisticGirl]

OptomisticGirl, in response to your reply I would be interested to know how many husbands and wives there are on here who work the same amount of hours at work AND both put in the exact same amount of time and effort into childrearing and housework! (Not saying I am right or wrong, just interested! Just because from my experiences it seems that the mother is still the primary caretaker even if she works the same amount of hours as her husband.

 

Most women are, but I think that goes back to a biological stand point. Women are the more nuturing of the sexes - men CAN be nuturing and I have seen some amazing fathers out there in this world - but most women as I said, do things around the house to go the extra mile because they want to. My husband will never see the need to wash base board or beat a rug out or decluttering closets every month - but those are things I find need to be done. So for me I would do them. Stuff that needs to be done (ie cleaning dishes, cleaning the bathroom, vacuming, laundry) are things that need to be done and those things are usually shared. In my experience women tend to take more on at home not because they need to but it's those extra little things they WANT to do to go the extra mile.

[Alpine]

Very true. And in that regard, from a biological standpoint if women are the ones that are more nurturing, does that mean that they should not be resented if they choose to stay at home more than their husbands?

[hers]

That's how it is in my house. I handle detail cleaning like baseboards and mirrors wiped down and dusting picture frames, but I also clean the bathroom and kitchen and vacuum just like he does. He handles big boy stuff, like the garbage and the cars and such, while I handle 100% of the laundry (control freak thing). Meanwhile, we still keep a clean-up-after-yourself rule: take your shoes to your closet, put your dishes in the sink or dishwasher, clean the stove if you made a mess of it.

 

We live pretty harmoniously this way. However, once he goes back to work next week (full time) and if I get the job I interviewed for today, which will be full time, I'm curious how we'll work out the household duties. But for now, we get along ok when it comes to housework.

[OptomisticGirl]

Very true. And in that regard, from a biological standpoint if women are the ones that are more nurturing, does that mean that they should not be resented if they choose to stay at home more than their husbands?

 

I personally don't resent women who stay at home. I think the OP was talking more of the husband resenting his wife if for some reason they didn't discuss it very well prior to childbirth or the wife completely changes her mind and such, that's down to the people in the marriage. I know my husband wouldn't resent so long as I pulled my weight at home with the kids and cleaning - I think those husband who do resent their wives is either a) being unfair or b) the wife isn't pulling her share at home. There are some amazing SAHMs out there but there are also a few rotten apple ones who don't pull that weight.

[OptomisticGirl]

That's how it is in my house. I handle detail cleaning like baseboards and mirrors wiped down and dusting picture frames, but I also clean the bathroom and kitchen and vacuum just like he does. He handles big boy stuff, like the garbage and the cars and such, while I handle 100% of the laundry (control freak thing). Meanwhile, we still keep a clean-up-after-yourself rule: take your shoes to your closet, put your dishes in the sink or dishwasher, clean the stove if you made a mess of it.

 

We live pretty harmoniously this way. However, once he goes back to work next week (full time) and if I get the job I interviewed for today, which will be full time, I'm curious how we'll work out the household duties. But for now, we get along ok when it comes to housework.

 

We plan on having this as well. I hate doing dishes and my husband doesn't mind so he's okay with that. He hates laundry so I'm in charge of that. But if for some reason one of us wasn't able to do that chore we like, the other would be expected to pick it up for that day (so one of us was sick or got called into work or something). So we have 'assigned' chores based on what we like but then it's not set in stone. The only things set in stone would be things I or he would want to do to make the house look better and go that extra mile. For him it could be cutting grass and for me like I said, washing base boards.

[hers]

I think I'd resent myself if I didn't work. I feel like I'd lose my independence. I don't know if it's like that for women who do SAH, but for me, I know I would want to continue working.

 

My husband, I know, woudln't care one way or the other as long as I kept up the housework and such, but considering his own mom, I think he'd rather me work.

[Alpine]

I personally don't resent women who stay at home. I think the OP was talking more of the husband resenting his wife if for some reason they didn't discuss it very well prior to childbirth or the wife completely changes her mind and such, that's down to the people in the marriage. I know my husband wouldn't resent so long as I pulled my weight at home with the kids and cleaning - I think those husband who do resent their wives is either a) being unfair or b) the wife isn't pulling her share at home. There are some amazing SAHMs out there but there are also a few rotten apple ones who don't pull that weight.

 

Yeah, and this I would agree with. If I were a husband, I would not resent my wife for wanting to stay at home and look after children/house chores/etc. I would be perfectly happy with that, so long as she was pulling her weight at home with the kids and cleaning. I can definitely understand resenting a wife who stays home and does nothing (I know a few who go out and get lattes with their friends, go shopping for themselves etc).

 

I just wanted to make the point to some people who were saying that women should work, that when wives and husbands work the same hours, the woman still ends up doing most of the work at home which is perhaps a motivating factor to take on less work hours than her husband.

[OptomisticGirl]

I think I'd resent myself if I didn't work. I feel like I'd lose my independence. I don't know if it's like that for women who do SAH, but for me, I know I would want to continue working.

My husband, I know, woudln't care one way or the other as long as I kept up the housework and such, but considering his own mom, I think he'd rather me work.

 

This is me as well. It comes down to what the woman wants or is okay with basically. I would not want to lose my place in the work force (even if I was only part time) and my husband doesn't want me to lose that as well. But for a lot of women they like being at home all the time - I would go nuts.

[OptomisticGirl]

 

I just wanted to make the point to some people who were saying that women should work, that when wives and husbands work the same hours, the woman still ends up doing most of the work at home which is perhaps a motivating factor to take on less work hours than her husband.

 

And this is true as well, but I think it comes down to what I was saying of a woman doing what needs to be done (laundry, dishes, etc) and all those little things we like to do to make the house feel more 'homey'. I know for me if I took out all those extra things, we would do the same exact in household chores. But because I view those extras as essential yeah, I end up doing more. Those things to me are essential, not so much to my husband.

[Tanzi]

My Day Today:

 

My youngest somehow ended up with food on the bottom of her foot last night and she has walked it into the carpet. She also had very sticky hands after eating some pineapple and her handprints seem to be all over the glass pains in the lounge door. I am a SAHM (as you are probably already aware from posts above) and my children are ALL at school (well meant to be, my eldest is in between education at the moment). Today my day is full. I have to go shopping, my kitchen floor needs cleaning, I now have a carpet to clean, fingerprints to scrub off. The toilet in the main bathroom keeps getting blocked so I need to investigate (not looking forward to that one, I really am hoping not to find a sanitary towel stuffed down there). I have an appointment with my daughter at our local "Connexions" (a centre for young people, something to do with being in-between education). She has to register there. We have to work on an art portfolio for her to take to an interview she has with a college (well I will help). I have to run my middle daughter's PE kit up to school because she left it at home. I have some forms that need filling in and sending off. My youngest needs new plimsoles by, er, yesterday ... the list is pretty endless to be honest. Some of these things may see small, silly or mundane but they are what keeps this family and this household ticking over. On monday I actually spent the morning in my 6 year old's class helping the children make puppets.

 

At 3pm the evening shift starts. Youngest has dancing, my eldest wants a lift to and from her bf's (30 min journey). My middle one is going into town after school and will need picking up. My youngest will have some reading to do (as she does every night), she also needs to finish off a poster on China for a project the children are doing in school. In between that there is dinner to cook, packed lunches to make. I also have a pile of ironing to get through but as long as some school shirts are ironed the rest can wait. My middle daughter is late with some Science homework so undoubtedly I will have to push and help her with that (as much as I can!!) At some point I need to get my eldest daughter to sit and start looking for jobs. She had a little xmas job recently but the contract has now ended. She needs to do something.

 

That is pretty much my day ... my life. I have no-one to share any duties, to help with lifts, or baths or even to read to my youngest at bedtime (though sometimes my two older children may do it). Its me and them. One adult to three children. Three children I am constantly running around after. They exhaust me ... both physically and emotionally. My youngest can wake through the night and my eldest isn't sleep well at the moment as she is having bf troubles, so my sleep is often broken.

 

I have just got back from the school run. All is quiet (tho my eldest is stirring). I have not jumped at unloading the dishwasher and tidying up the breakfast paraphernalia away. There is a pile of washing that needs to be sorted through, some handwashing to be done, but I have left it sitting there. I'm not doing it right now. I am on here instead. I have been up 3.30 hours already getting three (well two at the moment) children up and out the house. The school run is now done and I am having some ME time. I don't really care if that is deemed lazy or whatever. I don't get any ME time in the evenings. My middle one goes to bed at 10pm, my eldest between 10pm and 11. I have no time to myself whatsoever. No adult time. This is my time. This is my adult time if you like. I will take it where I find it.

 

I am a STAY AT HOME MUM AND I AM PROUD TO ADMIT IT .... I am not with my husband anymore, yet he pays me enough to be a stay-at-home-mum and guess what, my children are ALL at school. YES, ALL OF THEM. They are out of this house for 6 hours a day. Six precious hours a day. Enough time for me to do all the chores ... and I mean ALL the chores ... ALL the little things that no-one predicts or may deem as unnecessary, things that keep this household ticking over nicely.

 

Six precious, quiet hours. All on my own (well not quite at the moment) and if I get 30 mins here or 30 mins there to myself ... fan-bloody-tastic. I have the opportunity to be a SAHM and I am taking it. Look down on me if you will. I really, really, really, really don't care. I AM AN AMAZING MUM. There I said it. This is my life. It may be different from yours. I don't care.

 

Rant over.

[OptomisticGirl]

^ Last I checked no one is thread has looked down on SAHMs. SAHMs like you are the kind of SAHMs that husband's would have no resent to resent - not every SAHM is dedicative or pulls their weight, just like there are good doctors, bad doctors, shady lawyers, ethical lawyers, good cops, bad cops. Every profession has rotten apples.

[Tanzi]

^ Last I checked no one is thread has looked down on SAHMs. SAHMs like you are the kind of SAHMs that husband's would have no resent to resent - not every SAHM is dedicative or pulls their weight, just like there are good doctors, bad doctors, shady lawyers, ethical lawyers, good cops, bad cops. Every profession has rotten apples.

 

Didn't say they were, it was in answer to the title of the thread.

 

My point is ... at the end of the day it makes no difference what anyone else thinks, it all depends on the each family situation.

[Seraphim]

[/b]

 

I think that is bone of contention in a lot of homes. I know for me I would get irritated some times because I had a full time job and a part time job and a toddler. My husband had a full time job and a part time job and he would do only 1/10th of what I did at home and it would tick me off to no end sometimes. Then when he was posted elsewhere and I had to do it ALL myself that was it. I was not working full time anymore and raising my son and doing everything at home and drive back and forth to see him too every other weekend. ( I had to start work AT 6 AM which meant I had to be up at 4 AM) After two years of that I could not take it anymore.( plus the job was so horrendous and I was being harrassed that I just could not take it after a few years) I found a part time job closer to me.

 

As far as good fathers. My brother is a financial adviser and drives an 1.5 hours each way to work every day. And is there for many hours a day but he is still with his kids every minute he is not working. He gets them ready for school. He takes them to their karate lessons and dance and swimming lessons. He takes them to sports camp. He plays games and does their home work with them. He makes them supper and makes sure they are bathed and in bed. He reads them a story. He makes them home made pancakes on the weekends. He is an AWESOME dad. He also cleans up what he makes, his wife could ask for no better man and husband and father. Really, and it is not just because I am his sister that I say this. He is a one in a million guy.

[tinkerbellkj]

As the mother of a 9 month old and 26 weeks pregnant with my second baby, working is MY reality. At this point in our lives we do not maintain a lifestyle that one income can support. I work a lot from home so basically I care for my child (soon children!) and work a fulltime job. I also maintain my home as I can in it all day and can't stand work in a mess. It's difficult yes, but not impossible. I don't resent my husband for not working 2 jobs so I can stay at home, he works long hours as it is and is in school fulltime. He spends all his free time with our son and I couldn't ask for more. We both pull our weight in our own ways and I'm striving to make every little thing 'equal' in my eyes.

 

Some people can afford to live on one income (whether they cut back on their lifestyle, or they have a very high single income or savings etc etc) and some cannot. Personally for me, I like to buy things and don't want to worry about a box of diapers breaking the bank. If I didn't work we'd have to make a lot of sacrifices we are just not willing to make, and some at the expense of our children. Every family is different and that's okay, that's how it should be. I was raised by a SAHM, my husband was not, at the end of the day we both turned out okay.

[Batya33]

I think I'd resent myself if I didn't work. I feel like I'd lose my independence. I don't know if it's like that for women who do SAH, but for me, I know I would want to continue working.

 

My husband, I know, woudln't care one way or the other as long as I kept up the housework and such, but considering his own mom, I think he'd rather me work.

 

My husband knows I work just not in a paying job right now. I have my complete financial independence because I contribute, and am always ready to contribute, from the savings I amassed for over a decade before becoming a full time mom. And my husband wouldn't consider me dependent even if I didn't/couldn't - but for me, personally, I like knowing I do and I can. If he didn't consider what I do every day "working" we'd have a huge problem.

 

I also think from the other posts that people are lumping together SAHM and what "they" do. I think it varies greatly. I know moms of 2 year olds who have their children in various classes every day, some of which are "drop off" (I do some classes but I am right with him interacting with him the whole time - not a break for me in the least), one who has a sitter 15 hours a week and others who have regular help from grandparents and then lots like me - where it's "just" the mom doing everything while the husband is at work. I'm fortunate that my husband pitches in whenever he can - and that's not true of other homes.

 

Just like we can't say that all accountants are the same/do the same work I don't think it's productive to lump together all "SAHM". And that's especially true when you're deciding what to do. My best friend raised 4 children - 3 of them 2 years apart - on very little $ (at times they had public assistance) while her husband worked and so her experience has little to do with mine - she marvels at how I have an hour every day at least just to read books with my child. I think a lot of this "lumping" comes, unfortunately from a negative stereotype of SAHM as pretending to work hard so they don't "have to" work outside the home or as not being able to pull their weight in the corporate world. I think I'll be even more efficient and organized when I go back and I was pretty darn efficient and organized......

[sidehop]

It's not unrealistic. If it were unrealistic it wouldn't happen or it wouldn't be as common as it is. In my social circle, all the mothers of school age children work. Some work full time and some work part time. It's very typical.

 

Unrealistic in expecting it from a SAHM or SAHD with two children in response to the OP's original question. Anyone can get a job with a babysitter and daycare but somewhere along that path, something will need to be sacrificed; for most of us, it's whether cutting cost and being frugal with one income or time away from children need to be increased with the parents working. I don't think it's about if someone can or cannot do but rather have this sort of expectation that SAHM/SAHD should be working or not. Sure, age plays a huge factor and there needs to be a balance but I certainly wouldn't expect my wife to work just because we had our second child.