Why Some Men Run Hot and Cold

[ChellyV]

Actually this was something that i saw in an eharmony ad.

 

Would help out a few people in here, who seem to be confused. This article has clarity.

 

 

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If you’re in a relationship with a man who runs hot and cold you’ll be at his mercy unless you get a grip on yourself. Nothing will make you more crazy and desperate than a man who is playing hide n’ seek with your emotions.

 

The situation is classic. He starts to pull away, you become like a dog with a bone, unwilling to relinquish what you want. You search frantically for the man who was “hot” on you. He must still feel that way — he just doesn’t know it. So your problem becomes how to get him to pursue you like he did before. The trap is believing that there is something you have to make right and that you did something wrong that made him turn cold.

 

How to get a man to stop this behavior is not the question you should be asking. Rather, you need to understand why he is this way, and then maybe you’ll see that it’s not your mission to change him.

 

There are men who habitually run hot and cold, oblivious to the “passive aggressive” way they deal with women. It’s so much a part of them they don’t think they’re doing anything wrong or hurtful. As a result, they don’t feel the need to change.

 

But most hot and cold men are aware of what they’re doing. You can bet that they’ve acted this way before, that women have complained to them an abundance of times. You’re not the first and certainly won’t be the last.

 

Most of these men haven’t grown up, they’re just immature. They act like they’re still in grade school. They thrive on the challenge of wooing you until you fall for them, but as soon as they think they’ve got you, they get bored and move on. It doesn’t matter how fabulous, beautiful or smart you are, they still get bored because it’s not about you. It’s about the thrill of the chase and you are the prize for a moment or two.

 

Some hot and cold men may just not be ready for a fully committed relationship. He may like you a lot but be unable to decide if you’re “The One.” Rather than making a decision, it’s easier for him to string you along until he can know for certain. His ambivalence will bring out his hot and cold behavior since he is so indecisive.

 

The worst offenders are the men who use you for ego gratification. They actually get a thrill watching you suffer over their inconsistent and rude behavior. It makes them feel powerful to know they can treat you badly and then pick up the phone and still have you available whenever they want.

 

These men are full of pride. They relish the game of cat and mouse they’re playing with you. It gives them a sense of entitlement that they’ve mastered the art of being inconsistent and uncommitted. They love to watch a woman emotionally fall apart over their inconsiderate actions.

 

Changing these men is not in your job description. Your attempts will just make you lose your confidence and destroy your faith that there are any good men out there. The best thing you can do if you are with a hot and cold man is to cut him out of your life completely.

 

But beware: a man like this will be triggered by your rejection and turn hot on you again. He may not fully want you, but he also doesn’t want you to set the rules. In the end, you have to know that he’s not for you. He is emotionally unable to make the deep, intimate and life-long commitment you’re looking for.

 

Ladies, have you dealt with this type of guy?

[bdbmwer]

sorry but many women will play "hard to get" as well and make it very difficult to get them alone for the date but when youre on it act very attracted and forward. This is just part of the dating world and laws of attraction. No one wants or appreciates something that is extremely easy to get so we make it sort of difficult so we dont appear too eager and at times when it is right well reciprocate the indicators of interest.

 

In regards to exes, well I still think both genders do it in that case too. sure some people are malicious with it and actually do get ego trips but others and I believe to be the majority are uncertain of what they want and unaware of how much it affects the other person and dont necessarily have cruel intentions. I believe were all guilty of hanging on to something that makes us feel good but were not sure if we want to commit or not.

[Stacy31]

I'm in A similar situation, been with my partner for 5 1/2 years, we've been married for 3 months, and have a 4 year old, we had a little argument 5 days ago, and now he's telling me he doesn't want to be with me, and wants to be "single" and live by himself, I told him to go and have some time to himself to think about things, he came back after 3 days telling me he thought it through and doesn't want to be with me, it's been four days!! How can you decide to end a marriage and a family in four days, we were happy a week ago, now he's telling me he likes a girl he's spoken to twice, I don't understand what's going on, I told him a marriage is work there's rough patches and we needed to work together to get through it and see if we can move forward, he refuses to try, he just wants to be done with it, a similar situation happened 2 years ago with a girl, we were seperated for a month before he realised he had made a mistake, I honestly don't know what to do every time I talk about our marriage he gets angry and nasty, he says it's not a phase but I don't know, I'm a complete mess, haven't slept in 4 days and haven't been able to eat, I feel like I'm desperate begging him to work through this with me, any advice guys?

[thelastsong]

On the other side of the coin, if you don't play hot and cold games, some people will claim that they just don't feel the "spark" or "attraction" any longer. Unless someone is keeping them constantly chasing, it's too boring and they won't stick around.

 

I understand that some men and women blow hot and cold unknowingly, but I know women who purposefully do so to keep a guy interested because they know it works.

 

It's a psychological thing. Researchers have shown that if a pigeon learns that pecking a bar will reward it with a food pellet, it will keep pecking the bar. Now make it so the bar doesn't give it the food pellet. The pigeon will keep pecking the bar literally thousands of times. It's called a variable ratio reinforcement schedule. You don't know when you'll get a reward, so you keep trying, and when you finally do get a reward, the dopamine payout is huge.

 

You've just got to recognize when you're a pigeon pecking a bar that's not giving out food pellets anymore and learn to walk away.

[Thorshammer]

This isnt a MAN thing, women are just as guilty.

 

It could even be argued that some men are forced to be the 'chaser' are under pressure to beat out the competition, that when the competition is gone, they want to switch from impressing them so much to instead building comfort and familiarity instead. What, people expect the man to continue those awesome dates, awesome laughs and jokes that never get old, on a day to day basis? At some point the "chase" has to end.

[doyathink]

Great post. Its the 'game' and to be honest, these kind of ppl ususally grow old alone. Its a waste of time. If you like someone, why is it so hard to just play it cool, and enjoy that someone out there actually LIKES YOU?! Those who want to play these games...expect it to blow up in your face one day. You may get away with it for awhile, but it will circle back around on you. You get what you give, so give good.

[Blue Spiral]

Some people are very adept at manipulating others through their social skills. They're heartless, cunning, etc.

 

Others--like myself--are just flaky and up-and-down. They can be great relationship material (well, I'm not), but it's hard to read them.

 

Unfortunately, those two groups of people can appear identical on the surface...

[ParisPaulette]

Great post and oh so true. As someone who finally jumped off the hot/cold carousel with an ex I can vouch that everything the article says about a man who runs hot and cold, or a woman too for that matter, is true. And yes, they do turn on the charm like mad or try to find ways to get back in your good graces to keep up the "game." But in the end all you can do is either learn to outplay them or pack up your toys and tell them to go home to their mommies who won't mind them acting like little boys and girls--but you do.

[utopie]

I agree that it is part of the dating game but at some point you have to stop and be genuine. You cannot do that in a long-term relationship. It's fun for a while (albeit stressful) but it gets very tiring.

[blueidealist24]

I hate the hot and cold game. I refuse to play it with anyone. I played it with a few people and it just resulted in them leaving me eventually. If they play it, they're not really that genuinely interested in you, just the chase, I think. It bothers me too much and makes me not be able to sleep or concentrate at work when they go cold and stuff, so now I basically tell them if they're going to be like that.. they're cut. Sure, I might miss out on dating some people but do I really want to deal with that for like a year or however long the relationship lasts? no. I'll find a more mature man.

[Jeetsun]

Manipulation. The hot and cold game playing could be seen developing as early as childhood between kids and their parents. Poke and prod enough and you learn a great deal about how people react and function, this information is used by people to get others to do what they want them to.

[rapunzel]

This article arrived in my mailbox (because I subscribed to eharmony years ago and they still send me stuff) and I did not read it because I figured it would just bum me out. ;-) I read it and agree with bdbmwer. Women are also capable of similar behavior. I have often wondered if the eharmony people send similar articles to men, though....I kind of doubt it. Certainly there are many "players" in the world, both male and female. As women often are attracted to unavailable men, men also find unavailable women more enticing. That's why women learn to play hard to get, after being burned by player type guys. It's all because we humans want what we can't have. When we get what we want, we often don't appreciate it...unless we have reached a certain level of maturity and understand that the chase ALWAYS comes to an end, those heightened feelings in the beginning are actually lust not love, and even if a guy was chasing a supermodel and finally GOT her, eventually he is going to have to deal with her human foibles....and very likely get bored and annoyed at times.

 

I do think that with certain people, the beginning phases of a relationship are crucial and tricky to navigate, if you are dealing with a flighty non-committal type of person who is seemingly only interested in the initial excitement of a new relationship. Certainly many non-committal "hot and cold" types ARE capable of getting into a real, bona fide give and take, loving relationship but it takes that certain amount of skill in the early phases to hook them in, and yes, it *can* require a certain amount of game playing, self-preservation techniques and manipulation. We all know that guy who went through girlfriend after girlfriend, never settling down, and we all thought "wow, I can't believe he gave that one up - she was a real keeper!" And then one day, within a few months, that guy who would never settle down is engaged to another woman.

 

I often think of two books I read that helped me understand how to navigate relationships and how to deal with people who run hot and cold. One is "Intimate Connections" by David Burns, MD (who also wrote "Feeling Good" which has a good chapter on relationships) and "The Passion Trap: Where is your Relationship going? by Dean C. Delis (also published under "The Passion Paradox"). These are both great reads on this topic.