I feel like I've really messed my life up.

[justaglimmer]

Well, I did the unthinkable. I am so very upset with myself.

 

This whole year, I continuously went back to a horrible relationship (emotionally abusive). Some of you may remember me from awhile back. I stopped posting on here because I know there is no way to delete posts, and I just became really paranoid about maybe one day he would find my posts and lash out on me. I know it’s a far stretch but if anyone can put herself in a pickle, it’s me. I love this forum though and I need to reach out right now for help. I am desperate to feel some sort of hope, as I have officially hit the bottom.

 

Before anyone scolds me, first let me say that I absolutely knew every single time that I was making the wrong decision. Things got really bad and I tried to leave so many times, but he would always come back and catch me in a weak moment. I think we both went mad. I’m the type of person who has a huge heart and all it would take is a little sweet talk or have me feel sorry for him in some way. And honestly, he started making positive changes – nagging at me a little less, showing affection a little more. But things went sour again in no time. We got in this big habit of breaking up for a few weeks, seeing each other again for about one or 2 weeks, then getting into a fight over something stupid, and repeating it all over again. I finally checked out emotionally. I started tuning out his nagging and started dreaming of a life where I am free and just so content being by myself. I broke up with him and I meant it. I REALLY DO MEAN IT.

 

Confidence? Yes, I have some. I know I’m an attractive young woman with her whole life ahead of her. I know that someone out there would be so much of a better match for me. But I’m in a rut. I’m in this hole and I’m struggling desperately to climb out. I feel like this man has taken every ounce of energy from me, and I’m so angry about it. I am so moody and angry these days and I’m really really starting to dislike the person I’ve become.

 

This past time he tried to get me to stay with him, I told him absolutely not, that I was sure this time that it was the right thing to do (breaking up). I broke down crying hysterically, told him I’d been experiencing physical symptoms, depression, hair falling out from the stress. At first he showed some emotion about it and told me to please smile and be okay, that he just wanted me to be okay. He said that he loved me and would miss me every single day until I come back to him and that I’ll always be his baby. It touched me but I didn’t reply (this was through text messaging). An hour later he was flying off again. I guess he got mad that I didn’t reply. He said that he hated me for doing this and that the problem here was all me (as usual). That I’m not willing to meet his standards and that I just don’t care about him enough. He absolutely ripped me apart. Over the next 24 hours, he managed to call me all sorts of names, told me that hot girls were a dime a dozen and that he was going to start sleeping around. He said that some other girl will get to have him for Christmas and that he was going to rock her world. He was just plain… soul-less. He later said he got himself a date for the weekend and he was going to sleep with her, then proceeded to thank me for breaking up with him because now he gets to have sex with other hot chicks. It got to me, but I tried not to show it. When we first got together, He promised he would never ever say stuff like that to me, because my last stupid ex did pretty much the same thing and he knew about it. I got so angry that I ripped the battery from my cell phone and left it like that for 24 hours. Then today, my parents asked to borrow my cell phone while they went out because something was wrong with theirs. So I had no choice but to put the battery back in. I saw that he didn’t even try to text me anymore. No apologies, no nothing. I immediately went into “monster mode” and my poor parents got the wrath. I snapped at them both and could tell I hurt their feelings. Now they’re gone for the evening and I probably ruined their evening, and I am so PISSED at myself.

 

I am trying, have been trying for awhile to get myself strong enough to leave for good. I started taking better care of myself, eating better and working out. I gained a ton of confidence but its like it can disappear in the snap of a finger. I’ve cried my eyes out for the past hour, the type of crying where the tears come out in gobs and they feel like fire on your face. I’m going to try to call my one girl friend. But in the meantime, if anyone out there feels my pain and can offer some advice, prayer, or anything in between for me, I will be so grateful. I want to be free, I want to feel relief. My mind is made up about no contact from here on out. Even if he calls or tries to reach me in whatever way, it will go ignored. It’s the only way.

[DrKitten]

I'm very sorry to hear all that he put you through. But you are incredibly strong to ignore him! Keep it up and you will make it!

 

Contact your cell phone provider and see if they can block his number for you.

[im_the_undead]

Did I write this?

 

 

 

God, why do guys do this kind of crap to people they love? Who gets them?

I'm in the exact same position as you ! Maybe with a dif. background and beginning, but it's the exact same end result.

I have no advice, I'm in a rut myself and feel like worthless crap... BUT, you should be glad to know you're doing better than me and most people out there.

You have hope. I'm rooting for you !

[justaglimmer]

Thank you both for your replies

 

I am trying very hard to be strong. I'm embarrassed for all the times I went back to him but something finally snapped in me and I got so unbelievably sick of being nagged at. I just kept telling myself that I've got to learn to love myself more than this. If I don't take care of myself, who will? But the depression still comes, and I even catch myself missing him. I just wish I felt more relief at this point. I wish I had a fire under my a$$ and wake up in the mornings with hope and passion for this new life. I guess I just feel pathetic sometimes but it is a daily fight and I want it so bad.

 

I'm rooting for you too, undead. Be safe, strong, and and encourage yourself every day to keep fighting for yourself and only yourself.

[emily9]

You're worth so much more than this, please don't ever give in when you miss him again, I mean it, there is someone out there who is going to want to give you everything, make you so happy, and he can say that he wants that, but you know he doesn't mean it. Be strong, this will pass.

[im_the_undead]

Ohh, thank you ! How do you feel today about everything?

Yesterday, I felt strong... but today my heart hurts.

I can't stop thinking about the fact that he's partying and out with h03's.

-___-

 

I'm going to need tips from you ! lol