My story and my karma....

[adarkplace]

Hi everyone. This is my first post here and can I start by saying what an amazing community this is fully of insightful and thoughtful people. I am posting here as I am one week out of a breakup and find myself in an awful state of mind at the moment. This is my story and apologies if it is long but for those who do, thank you for taking the time to read it:

 

For 2.5yrs I dated a girl in my friendship circle who was truly wonderful but at the end of the day not totally right for me for reasons on differing outlooks on life, ambitions and goals. She loved me unconditionally and I broke her heart at the beginning of this year and immediately went NC for her sake. She always had a problem with me hanging out with one particular other girl who again dated another guy within our friendship circle for 5yrs but broke up with him 2yrs ago due to "lack of committment". Now many ENAers may think im wrong here, but I dont believe there is such thing as a "lack of committment". There is only a person who doesnt want to be with the other person as perhaps they dont see a future with them, perhaps they dont believe they are the one or generally is apathetic about the relationship. Anyone who truly wants to be with another person wouldnt let them get away.

 

So back to the story. Me and this other girl became closer over the course of the last 1.5 years talking a lot more and to all intents and purposes became eachother best friends. As soon as I broke up with this other person I approached this girl about the possibility of taking our friendship further and she was feeling the same way so we started a relationship. A beautiful one where we both fell in love very quickly based on our previous friendship of a 1.5yrs. We fit, better than me and my ex-ex did and I felt for the first time in my life that this was it. Of course my ex-ex never knew about this as she was NC. As we are both in our late 20s, and the connection was so strong, over a period of 7months we discussed marriage, kids the works and I categorically stated with no conditions that this was what I wanted...she was the girl for me and I WOULD marry her which made her happy, or so I thought.

 

Now she remained friends with her ex over the 2yrs they were broken up with casual conversations here and there. He himself was in a new relationship for over a year and it didnt seem to bother my gf. Now as soon as he suspected she was in fact moving on he broke up with his gf and told my gf that she was the girl for him and the committment he wasnt prepared to give her before he was now able to. He wanted to spend the rest of his life with her, as did I. At this point I talked at length with her about it as we always communicated very well and she said although a part of her will always love him she wanted to be with me. So she let him down over a dinner which he took EXTREMELY badly. At this point, he started to get into her head. Telling her are you sure this is what you want, and clearly he succeeded as she told me she wanted to take some time to herself to decide what she wanted, a couple of weeks. And she told him the same. She said she had 2 paths one with me and one with him and she could see a future with us both (not sure i buy this). I decided to be the best possible person in this relationship. to give her space, patience and support and not go off the rails. Instead of taking her 2 weeks away from me she called me everyday and came over and stated she COULDNT be away from me. She continued to meet him though for dinners in order to let him down and explain the situation to him and I let her (maybe stupid me but I dont want to control a person, everyone should make their own decisions). Finally after 6 weeks of relationship limbo he told her fine, I am moving on I hope you are happy. This entire time me and her are still talking about the future and making plans and she seemed truly happy if not very guilty and emotional for what she had done to him. I advised her a clean break was necessary both for him to move on and for us to continue our journey.

 

Last weekend we had a wonderful time together after he had stepped out of the picture and she told me she was both feet in with me after I asked her. Then out of nowhere she comes over and tells me the "what ifs" are too big for her with him given the depth and length of relationship they had and she breaks up with me. Clinically. You take your stuff I will get mine. I am absolutely devastated as perhaps I should have seen the signs but I honestly thought that we would make it. She told me she found it too hard to cut him out of her life and she needed time to clear her head though last I heard she is planning on taking another shot with this guy.

 

I feel lead on. Humiliated. Confused. I feel like this is my karma...as I had done to my previous ex, the same was done to me. Maybe I deserve this. I have been NC for the last week but everything I hear makes me feel worse. I am preparing myself for the day I am told that her and her ex are together. I know things can never be the same with us even if she came back (which I highly doubt and am not hoping for) as she broke her loyalty to me. Maybe I just loved her more than she loved me or maybe she didnt even love me at all. I feel I was my hopes were built up and then crashed in the cruellest fashion. I dont know what to do anymore.

 

Any advice/questions would be welcome. I have tried to provide a balanced story...

[Dezireey]

I'm sorry that you have gone through this, it sounds very difficult for you. I don't think it's karma as such (unless you were particularly cruel to your other ex then yes, maybe karma!) but it's just life. We all have situations where the roles are reversed, one day we are madly in love with someone who doesn't reciprocate enough and vice versa, it's the way the world goes and that's that.

 

The whole idea about partnering up with an ideal soul mate is that you are both on the same page at the same time. To be honest, I think your current gilrfriend /ex is as flaky as hell. I wouldn't be surprised if she got all settled with this other guy and then if you begged and pleaded with her and turned on the charm like he did, she would be all of a confusion and in a 'who shall I date' conundrum and be back with you again and then back with him again and then.......you get the picture.

 

Honestly? to be blunt. I don't think she loves either of you two. Love is when you absolutely feel absolute about your one choice in partner. No if's or but's, it's an amazingly easy decision to make. If she couldn't decide between the two of you, she didn't love either of you enough in the first place. She's not in a bloody shop trying to choose which colour dress best suits her for a party and would really like one in red and one in black but she doesn't have enough cash for both! She is umming and awwing over two men and trampling on their feelings. If I were you, I would spell it out to her one last time that she must live with this decision now and that is it, no turning back, no running back to you if she thinks she has made a mistake later on down the line. You should not have her back now as she has made her choice.

 

I am a firm believer that if someone walks away from you because they can't bloody make up their mind between you and someone else, they don't deserve a second chance with you.The message you send by taking them back is that they can come and go as they please. I would never give anyone a second chance if they did that, but that's my outlook. You need to consider if that is what you are willing to do or not?.

 

I have a sneaky feeling she is going to come running back to you, so be prepared.

[adarkplace]

Dezireey, thank you so much for taking the time to post. I think she did play both sides a lot. Whilst she was telling him I need space she was spending that time with me. And whilst she was telling me that we are moving forwards she was continuing to entertain thoughts of him, email and generally "explore" that side of things. I honestly believe I conducted myself in the most honourable way in this situation...i did not badtalk him (he is overall a good guy), I did not pressure her (perhaps a mistake perhaps not) and I tried to be available to her to spill her most innermost thoughts and concerns.

 

Though maybe you are right. She made him wait around for 6 weeks whilst he poured his heart out to her and she used me for emotional support whilst she decided what she wanted to do. Truly I dont think that either of us should have been treated like that. Who knows if he will take her back, i suspect he will as he is convinced on her and he broke up a (casual) relationship to give it a shot. She has now broken a serious relationship to give him a shot. Maybe there's is a true love though I wonder if his motives were wanting what he couldnt have as she was moving on with me.

 

I am more than all devastated as I was sure on her. I promised her things that I have never ever promised anyone in life as to have that thrown back at me feels like the ultimate rejection. I miss her a lot, its only been a week and the ache is just continuous. But I am mentally preparing myself for the right decision....that if she ever does come back I cannot take her back. I am trying my best to get there.

[Dezireey]

It is a very difficult thing, to stop your heart from ruling your head, as many people on this forum agree, it seems to appear that no matter what your ex does or has done to hurt you, the stronger your feelings are for them, the more you are just willing to forgive anything and have them back but in your head you know the truth of the matter.

 

I am currently missing my partner like crazy and would seriously do anything somedays to have him back (knew him as a friend for 10 years, seriously involved for a year and I got pregnant and he left me two months ago because he didn't want a baby). The more that time goes by, the stronger I get and then the more I start believing that the damge is done now and he doesn't deserve my heart again. If she comes back to you, she really owes you the world for the pain she is causing you now and if you decide to give it another shot in the future because she may have seen sense? well, she should work for your attention damn hard and I would certainly not give in to her straight away. I think you know your own heart though and if she has damaged it badly now, only you know if you can cope with taking her back. I know if I took my ex back....really, things would not be the same. I would constantly wonder if they were going to leave me again if something else serious in life cropped up and he wanted to bail on me again. Food for thought.

 

As far as the other guy is concerned, well, if we are discussing Karma....if she ended things with him before because he couldn't commit, I'm not so sure he has suddenly changed his ways? If he got wind of her falling for you and then he came after her, then it really does sound as if he wants something he thought he could not have. Karma may very well come around and bite her in the bum now as she may realise he is still the commitment phobe he always was and come searching for you, and hopefully by then you will have healed and got yourself someone else with far more integrity. Hugs xx

[adarkplace]

well. she seems to think that the ONLY thing wrong with their previous relationship was that he couldnt commit and apparently NOW he can. Whereas she said with me our relationship was amazing and thats why she needed to make a decision for her life path. its all bs really. you are right in what you are saying. doesnt make the pain stop though. its funny how it sneaks up on you. I cried for the first 48hrs then stopped completely then lost it at the dinner table randomly last night with a bunch of friends. had to make a quick exit...embarassing...

 

i have to say though, its awful what happened to you. im so sorry. how have you coped? and others out there..how do u handle it besides keeping busy and NC. Isnt this all just a distraction from facing up to your own emotions? i think my heart is still with her but the trust is damaged so much. and yes whats to stop someone doing it again if we were engaged next year, married or even had kids. some of the stories i have read on this forum are so awful in that regard I cant believe people can be this cruel to other humans.

 

i wanna be the bigger man and say if it works out for them i hope she is happy. but the thought of them together is killing me....