Do they ever come back after dating someone else?

[GotMyLifeBack]

...if they are able to 'replace' you so easily after being together such a long time then maybe it won't work.

 

Make space in your thinking to allow that it might work. I am finding peace in accepting things that don't make sense to me and I wish the same for you.

 

 

To break up with someone is obviously a huge thing so he has invested a lot of energy into the breakup hence why he would try harder to make things work with the new girl, to justify to himself that he has made the right decision (he does need to justify it because he is unsure- he's told me this). I think he will also keep repeating the reasons in his head so that h can move on. Do you think that is likely?

 

If you and he had a genuine and substantial love, I think it's highly likely that he's working hard to diminish the significance of the relationship you and he had. I also think it would be highly ununusual that he would actually succeed at this, as real, loving human bonds cannot be willed away, even if the "formal" relationship has ended.

[playstheblues]

I don't understand why he would bother lying about it though- why say you don't intend to start seeing someone or get into a relationship when you are dating? Obviously he does want that or he wouldnt be doing it

[Brownstone322]

Okay- I can definitely see that perspective but I keep thinking, if they are able to 'replace' you so easily after being together such a long time then maybe it won't work. To break up with someone is obviously a huge thing so he has invested a lot of energy into the breakup hence why he would try harder to make things work with the new girl, to justify to himself that he has made the right decision (he does need to justify it because he is unsure- he's told me this). I think he will also keep repeating the reasons in his head so that h can move on. Do you think that is likely?

I'm not sure we're entirely on the same page. Counterintuitive as it may seem, if you're going to reconcile one day, I think dating other people is a cycle that he (and you) need to go through. Only by testing new waters could either of you know that your original relationship held your true equity.

 

Let's think of it in terms of Oasis, shall we? In 2009, Noel actually left the band after countless breakups and makeups with his brother Liam. This year they both made separate albums (first Liam's Beady Eye, followed by Noel's High Flying Birds), and now they're both on solo tours. This is "dating other people."

 

Only after exhausting these avenues will they (or could they) reunite for good -- in their case to much hype and fanfare and a big paycheck.

[Thorshammer]

Unless it was mutual, usually the dumper has a different perspective than the dumpee after a break up. They dumpees arent testing the waters, or seeing if their ex was the "one". They were rejected, they are forced to accept that what they had is over and was flawed, or, that to the ex it was,and that it is a losing situation. If the dumpee dwells on the ex, and seeks to compare the next one, healed or not, it will severally slow their healing. They dont have a choice, that power and choice is up to the dumper, and thats not something to rely on.

[winniethepooh]

Let's think of it in terms of Oasis, shall we? In 2009, Noel actually left the band after countless breakups and makeups with his brother Liam. This year they both made separate albums (first Liam's Beady Eye, followed by Noel's High Flying Birds), and now they're both on solo tours. This is "dating other people."

Gaaah! I'm going to throw up. I wouldn't want to date either of them ...

[Brownstone322]

Gaaah! I'm going to throw up. I wouldn't want to date either of them ...

It's a metaphor! It's a metaphor!

[donpeel83]

Unless it was mutual, usually the dumper has a different perspective than the dumpee after a break up. They dumpees arent testing the waters, or seeing if their ex was the "one". They were rejected, they are forced to accept that what they had is over and was flawed, or, that to the ex it was,and that it is a losing situation. If the dumpee dwells on the ex, and seeks to compare the next one, healed or not, it will severally slow their healing. They dont have a choice, that power and choice is up to the dumper, and thats not something to rely on.

 

I think the one major problem all dumpees often get hit with is they start to plonk the ex/dumper on the pedestal and really delay the healing. I think that when the Dumper dives straight into another relationship (which happened in my case) I think the sensible thing is to work on yourself and look at how you can grow as a person etc whilst maybe trying to explore other opportunities when the time is right.

[donpeel83]

I'm not sure we're entirely on the same page. Counterintuitive as it may seem, if you're going to reconcile one day, I think dating other people is a cycle that he (and you) need to go through. Only by testing new waters could either of you know that your original relationship held your true equity.

 

Let's think of it in terms of Oasis, shall we? In 2009, Noel actually left the band after countless breakups and makeups with his brother Liam. This year they both made separate albums (first Liam's Beady Eye, followed by Noel's High Flying Birds), and now they're both on solo tours. This is "dating other people."

 

Only after exhausting these avenues will they (or could they) reunite for good -- in their case to much hype and fanfare and a big paycheck.

 

Very true. Plus it, as stated above, allows the "dumpee" to see the ex with out those damn rose tinted specs, thus enabling more rationale thought processing over the split. I think the big key is for the dumpee to do a routine of soul searching and growth and try to view the relationship for its faults, warts and all, and really try to see what they can learn from it. Obviously some situations and relationships will be different, but I think generally, if your honest with yourself, you can find the points you need to address to help with the self improvement.

[rosie smith]

I don't understand why he would bother lying about it though- why say you don't intend to start seeing someone or get into a relationship when you are dating? Obviously he does want that or he wouldnt be doing it

 

I don't know your ex but I can tell you this much that if he is lieing to you about seeing someone else then it is cause he wants to keep as a side line in his life in case things don't work out with the new women and if you let him do that any relationship he is in will only become stronger or he has dumped you and wants to try and let go of your relationship

 

however you guys have been together for 9 years, he won't forget about you cause that is really difficult thing to do, even when he is out with new women he will occasionally think that oh me and so and so did this.

 

either way you have to try and come and term that at the mo he is not in your life and if you push things with him he will pull away and I say this with a lot of experinece and after having a messy mutual break up with my ex, who went off with a rebound girl.

 

however the good news for me is that I am slowly turning things round for us and I am not saying that will necessary happen with you guys cause there is a small chance that he will realise that he does not wanna come back to you or there is a bigger chance that he will come back.

 

let your ex go for now don't call him try and get on/move on with your life as best as you can and just see where life takes you, everything happens for a reason and when one door closes another one opens. Just try and stay strong and believe that everything will work out for the best in the world cause the grass is rarely ever greener on the other side anyway.

 

take care

[playstheblues]

What about when he has told his best friend that he doesn't really have a sure feeling about the girl he is dating, lots of doubt etc- so why would he do that? That's so unfair on that poor girl who obviously really likes him. If he has doubt about our breakup but doesn't want to try to work things out (he doesn't know why) then why would he just start dating again if he's not that keen on her? Is he just confused? Is he trying to date to get me out of his head? Or what? I KNOW I'm not in any position to date after our breakup. Maybe he's convinced himself that it's the right thing to do?

[jolbell69]

How did you find out this information?? It worries me that you are continuing to try to find out things about your ex, and this is not conducive to you healing.

[foolish1985]

I can talk from both sides on this subject.

 

I was the dumper after 6 years and went into what may have been a rebound, even though I didn't look at it like that at the time. I went out of the 6 year relationship because it was exhausted and it should have ended with either marriage or break-up. And I was not ready for a marriage. The break-up was somewhat mutual. I suggested it tho. We kept in touch. I never ignored her or refused help when she needed it. She never tried to get me back. Only one time did she suggest it. 10 months after break-up. I was 5 months into a new relationship by then and so was she. I refused.

 

This second part is where I would like some thoughts and advice.

 

Now I am in the other position. My GF left me, because she said that she couldn't get over the fact that I cheated on her. Once. Left me 3-4 months after she knew what I had done. Before even breaking it up with me officially, she had started dating someone else and kept it a secret. Not exactly sure why she didn't break up with me earlier though. Even when I told her that I can't be friends, she continued contacting me. Whenever she saw me, she told me how she isn't happy without me and misses me, but claims to not be able to forget the fact that I cheated.

 

I even went to her and told her that it's either "Here or never". She remained silent and I simply left, telling her that she will never see me again. The days after that she didn't stop IMing me. Every single day. Sometimes even 2 times a day. She doesn't want to give a definite "yes" or "no" every time I ask her to. She simply changes the subject.

Once again I told her that she's either "with me as a BF or without me at all". She didn't give an answers so I just started ignoring her. She wrote to me the next day, remembering stuff we had done and telling me how she had been sad when she remembered and that she missed me. She has not contacted me after that. Today is the 2nd day.

 

I am not sure if she is trying to regret her decision, keeping me around as a painkiller, keeping me around because she likes me as a friend but not as a BF or simply toying with me. Any thoughts? I may have not explained the situation very clearly but I can clarify if more information is needed.

 

P.S. I hope I am not "stealing" the topic from the initial creator but the topic title is somewhat general and not case specific.

[playstheblues]

How did you find out this information?? It worries me that you are continuing to try to find out things about your ex, and this is not conducive to you healing.

 

He emailed me. I have not been contacting him, so I am trying- I promise. In his email he basically said that I had it wrong in my head (have no idea what he thinks I'm thinking) Yes he was dating a new girl but he had a lot of doubt and mixed feelings no matter what it looked like to the outside. I didn't reply. If he has doubt and mixed feelings then why is he doing it? Same things he said about breaking up- doubt and mixed feelings, fearful etc but the reality is, he is still going ahead with it- the break up and dating someone new so that's really all I think I should focus on. I obviously wanted to get back together- I think I still do but I am sick of getting these mixed messages from him. In reality, he must be comfortable with being broken up because despite what he says about doubt, he's still Broken up and is starting to date someone else.

[rosie smith]

this sounds very similar to what my ex did to me however I never got any emails etc from him, look if he is does have doubts and is still seeing this girl then you just have to

 

a. either ignore the emails he sent you or

 

b. you need to email him back

 

please don't do what I did with my ex and let him reach out to you and then you reach back to soon and he thinks oh she will always be there for him so I can have my fun with this other girl and then come back to my ex if it suits me at a later date.

 

may be your ex is comfortable with being broken up or may be by him pursuing this new girl he is just using her to help deal with his feelings/ get over you who knows

 

if i were you I would email him back, take a few days to think about what you are gonna say to him but if you end up being an emotional support to him it will only help him get through the break up with you and you don't want him taking advantage of you and thinking that he can sow his oats but yet you are still gonna be waiting around for him in the back ground

[SweetSeul]

It sounds like he is still trying to keep you around as an option in case he crashes and burns with this girl he is currently dating...

 

Him giving you mixed signals does not help you as you try to move on. It is unfair of him that he has already started to move on with this girl, but he continues to feed you these breadcrumbs and keeps you right where you are: confused, not over him, analysing him/your situation/what happened instead of moving forward and focusing on you.

 

He wants the best of both of worlds. The comfort and familiarity he had with you and the newness, excitement and honeymoon stage with the new girl.

 

You owe it to yourself to let him feel the emptiness of life without you. There is a helpful thread called "Reverse Psychology and The Rebound Relationship". Read the first few posts especially those of Zorba. It basically says if the dumpee sticks around during the dumper's rebound relationship, it actually increases the chances of the relationship working out because the dumper can ease himself into relationship as he is getting both attachment and comfort (from the dumpee) and butterflies and excitement (from the rebound).

 

Here's the link to that thread:

[playstheblues]

I don't know what to think because he will say- you need to move on, but then say how unsure he is. Then he will go on a date with a girl then tell me that just because he went on a date doesn't mean he is happy or feeling better about the breakup. I've said - I hope the girl is nice-good luck etc but it's a bitter pill to swallow after being in a relationship for 9 years with this guy. Thanks for the link-- unfortunately, I think I've lost him. A really sad outcome as we were best friends and had a good relationship that haD a few problems like being in a rut that he didn't want to try to fix.

[rosie smith]

I don't know what to think because he will say- you need to move on, but then say how unsure he is. Then he will go on a date with a girl then tell me that just because he went on a date doesn't mean he is happy or feeling better about the breakup. I've said - I hope the girl is nice-good luck etc but it's a bitter pill to swallow after being in a relationship for 9 years with this guy. Thanks for the link-- unfortunately, I think I've lost him. A really sad outcome as we were best friends and had a good relationship that haD a few problems like being in a rut that he didn't want to try to fix.

 

 

unfortunately a lot of men especially when they come out of a long term relationship try to fill the void of that relationship by going off with someone else, but if you want this guy back in your life you need to cut off all contact with him and not tell him things like you hope this girl is nice looking etc etc.

 

honestly he won't forget about you but you can't change the past with you guys now. All you can do is move onto the future and if you want him back you have got ot let him go and let him miss you and so on.

 

I know how hard it is to be strong but the more you let this guy use you as a security blanket the easier it will be for him to move onto the next girl. If you let him go and let him miss you then there is that possibiltiy he will come back. However he needs to know that he can't send you messages about other women and you need to try and move on with your life without him or something like that cause if he thinks he can use you as an option in his life that is all he will ever see for you and it will make any relationship he is in stronger cause he knows that you can be his fall back plan.

 

you don't know if you have lost him at the mo but by hanging around whilst he is dating is not a good idea cause chances are you will loose him that way, you have gotta let him miss you and go complete NC and let him come back to you at one point if that is what he wants to do but let him come back to you out of love not cause he wants to tell you about new women in his life.

[playstheblues]

Unless it was mutual, usually the dumper has a different perspective than the dumpee after a break up. They dumpees arent testing the waters, or seeing if their ex was the "one". They were rejected, they are forced to accept that what they had is over and was flawed, or, that to the ex it was,and that it is a losing situation. If the dumpee dwells on the ex, and seeks to compare the next one, healed or not, it will severally slow their healing. They dont have a choice, that power and choice is up to the dumper, and thats not something to rely on.

Hmm

 

Thor - good point, never thought of that before. Do you think dating someone else is way that the dumper tries to validate their decision to break up? I.e. if you find someone else you will be ok? My ex has told me that he's really unsure and filled with doubt about this new girl, but he is still going ahead with it so he must not be too unsure. Why would heput effort into a new relationship instead of trying to work ours out if he is so unsure?

[foolish1985]

Hmm

 

Thor - good point, never thought of that before. Do you think dating someone else is way that the dumper tries to validate their decision to break up? I.e. if you find someone else you will be ok? My ex has told me that he's really unsure and filled with doubt about this new girl, but he is still going ahead with it so he must not be too unsure. Why would heput effort into a new relationship instead of trying to work ours out if he is so unsure?

 

Have you ever though about the fact that your relationship may have exhausted itself? Do you remember what you did 2 months before you broke up? How about 3 months before?

[playstheblues]

Have you ever though about the fact that your relationship may have exhausted itself? Do you remember what you did 2 months before you broke up? How about 3 months before?

 

Yes this is a valid point, but i have thought about this A lot and I don't think it had. That's why I'm so confused because I thought we did have a good viable long term realationship- not something that could just be disposed of. I guess that's why I'm also having trouble coming to terms my loss,because in his own words, we were soulmates and best friends. I think he was exhausted and that's why he couldn't be bothered to deal with being in a rut but if he could be bothered to put effort into s new relationship then maybe I'm wrong.

[playstheblues]

^ This, on so many levels. As the dumper of a previous relationship (not the most recent one that I posted about, an older one from many months ago) I've been out dating and seeing other women, and I sometimes think about calling her.. because now that I've had something to compare her too, I'm realizing maybe there was more there than I previously acknowledged. However "IF" I contacted her and "If" she wanted to go out to talk.. she's gotta be able to compromise on some of the issues that led to the breakup otherwise I know it's just not going to work. Maybe the time apart also gives the dumpee the opportunity to REALLY understand and work on and fix the issues that drove the dumper away otherwise it will ultimately fail once again.

 

But what about comparing apples with oranges I.e. comparing a new relationship to your old long term relationship would hardly seem favorable towards the ex (ltr) if you are inthe honeymoon phase and still feeling those exciting feelings at the beginning of the relationship? Totally agree about fixing the problems, but in my instance, I think im more objectively able to see the problems and take responsibility for them, whereas my ex seems to want to blame absolutely everything on me. I can step back and although I'm really hurt, see that all the other issues in his life are also affecting his judgement re relationship. I had hope that when his meds kicked in, he would be able to see more clearly, but now he's dating a new girl, I'm worried this will cloud his judgement even more?

[rosie smith]

this new girl will cloud his judgement to start with but as times goes by and the more you stick with NC the more he will think about you but this will all take time, who really knows why he is dating this new girl but a lot of men tend to do this after they have got out of a long term relationship, they replace the old girl with the new. Yes he could be spending the time sorting things out with you but at the mo for whatever reason I am not sure he is gonna do that so as someone else said he is keeping you around as an option and if you allow him to do this the more that he might take advantage of you.

 

all you can do is let him go, let him miss you etc etc and move on. I know it is easier said than done but don't allow yourself to fall into a trap where is allowing you to take the blame for everything let him live his life and you live yours.

 

he will think about you and he won't forget about you and the more time you spend apart the more he think about the good times and not the bad etc etc in the mean time he also needs time to heal and so do you know

 

as harsh as I might sound you have gotta let him go for now as hard as that might be. Let him go off with this girl and realise that he might of made of mistake by leaving you and so cause if you try to push him the more he will pull away if you try and be there for him the more his relationship with this other will get stronger. If you want him back the only thing you can do is stick to NC and heal yourself if you guys are meant to be together then you will be again.

 

I have gone through all of this myself and I know how tuff things can be but I also know that if you play the game with your ex correctly things can work out in the end. Good luck with everything.

[highcontrast]

Just wanted to say this a really good thread...excellent original question by the OP. And great last post rosie, it makes perfect sense (now! that being in contact with the ex when theyre with someone else can only help her new relationship. Wish i applied this better.

[Batya33]

I have a different perspective. I think successful reconciliations usually happen after a long separation, and I think seeing/dating/screwing other people in the interim is an inevitability, not a deal-breaker.

 

That's how it worked for us. We both had other, serious relationships after we broke up, we had both moved on. We got back together almost 8 years after breaking up (which happened in our early 30s). If anything, having other relationships helped us in a number of ways -we had matured, knew more of what we wanted and did not want, etc.

[alertstatusred]

Almost every couple I know who reconciled dated other people/had rebounds before getting back together.