Ex is messing with my head

[hopelost]

(Together 4 years, 2 1/2 months into BU)

 

I've been maintaining NIC / LC, focusing on myself and healing. But just the last few days, she's texted me several times saying things like, "I'm still in love with you", "Don't you see me in your future still?", and just about 5 minutes ago, "I miss you". Mind you, I've just learned recently that she's planning a trip with a few girlfriends to go visit some guys, one of whom I believe she has interest in.

 

What gives?!

[DN]

I think you had best ask her.

[Eocsor]

I agree, ask. It's the only way to know. Everything else is just a guess.

[hopelost]

Given that I know she's going to visit some guy, I feel like she's stringing me along until she's able to determine if something can develop with the new guy.

[Eocsor]

Once again, who knows? Ask.

[HeartGoesOn]

Ask her if she wants to get back together, if the answer is anything less than "yes," wish her well and tell her you're moving on. Make it clear that you're not up for games, and mean what you say!

[Angler]

If you feel strongly that that's the case, then here's the unfair reality:

 

She says these things, hoping you'll reply. Then she feels further empowered to pursue the other guy knowing you're still burning for her.

 

Ignore until she's back from this trip...then see what she sends you.

[winniethepooh]

Or maybe she wants to figure out if you're interested in reconciling, and if not, then she might start taking steps towards moving on with someone else.

 

The only person who knows is her.

 

Don't start making significant decisions and assumptions based on second hand information. Try not to make assumptions anyway.

 

I wrote this in reply to your previous topic:

 

Ok, I stopped reading after that. I think some of that is important, but to focus on your current situation, I have a better understanding of why, although she might be interested in reconciliation, she would also be very afraid to reach out to you. You and her have a history that has set you both up to be quite scared about moving forwards together.

I think it's still valid, and I note that all the topics you start are in the Getting Back Together forum.

 

Ex is messing with my head

I wouldn't be too quick to jump to that conclusion, given what you've said previously.

[winniethepooh]

Given that I know she's going to visit some guy,

You know this? Or are you assuming this?

[hopelost]

I know this.

 

You know this? Or are you assuming this?

[winniethepooh]

I know this.

Ok. It sounded different to me when you wrote this in your first post...

 

Mind you, I've just learned recently that she's planning a trip with a few girlfriends to go visit some guys, one of whom I believe she has interest in.

 

Well, plans can change. Anyway, to me it looks like you have the choice between assuming she is messing with your head, in which case, leave her alone and ignore her messages. Or taking her messages at face value and asking her what that's about. Because once she meets the new guy, she might lose interest in reconciling with you (if she has any).

[hopelost]

Sources tell me she's already met this new guy, which is the reason for the trip, to see each other again.

 

Because once she meets the new guy, she might lose interest in reconciling with you (if she has any).

[capjack]

Hi Hope,

I just read through all your threads and I would say that your gf's most recent texts are a significant change from the beginning of your thread. I think she has opened the door to see if you are interested......

 

Soooo, are you interested?

 

From everything I have read, this would be a real and valid reason for you guys to meet to discuss things. IMO your NIC/LC has worked, this is the result. I think it is safe to have an open and honest conversation with her. I also think that you are ready for an in person conversation from what I have read. Meet with her and ask her to clarify her text messages.........Does she want to reconcile?

 

Just be prepared for her answer no matter what it is. Do not accept less than what it is that you want and be man enough to walk away if she does not want to commit to working on the relationship. And just to be clear.....your hard work lies ahead if she does want to reconcile.....it will be no bed of roses. It will be hard work for both of you.

 

I would not mention the trip with the girls until she says she wants to work on the relationship and is committed to the effort it will take. Once you gain her committment then I would bring up the trip. She will naturally want to know how you know.......I assume that you know because of some snooping, which makes you look weak. DO NOT tell her how you know just state that "you are aware of the trip and you are aware of the guy". If she insists on going anyhow...........walk away and don't look back.

 

If on the otherhand she backs up her words with actions............well then you guys will have taken your first step towards reconciliation.

[The walkingman]

Not to derail your thread but similiar topic and I didn't want to start a new thread.

 

Me and my ex broke up 6 weeks ago, after 2 days went NC for 2 weeks, no response.

Broke 24 days NC last night sent her a text yesterday and another one an hour ago... no reponse.

 

in the past week she has put up 4 quotes on her facebook, MUCH more than she normally does and 3 of them are from songs about missing an ex and the other one is about being afraid of love. If it wasn't for that I would think she just wanted nothing to do with me anymore, but because of that it is messing with my mind...... (Yes I do try to anaylze them in depth.... but she is a smart girl (800 on the reading sat portion) and they usually have some meaning)

 

Idk i don't get it. I know she knows I'm checking her face book occasionally and I thought it was the right time to contact her yesterday. Maybe she is just really conflicted about what she wants right now and doesn't want to contact me just to change her mind again about things.

[teller]

Hopelost,

 

You're doing well my man. This isn't going to be easy. Don't worry about the other dudes. Don't bring it up. If it does come up you need to be indifferent. My ex was a tough cookie. If the topic ever came up, I would say "I know you know they're not me." She'd always smile and want to get close to me. Of course, when I failed this test it was a disaster. Indifferent and confident.

[hopelost]

Thanks for the feedback everyone. Interestingly enough I'm quite torn about a reconciliation at the moment given this new guy in the picture. It's one thing to have met him and probably spent time with him while he was in town, but to actually plan a trip to go see him is an entirely different level to me.

 

Capjack - I can see that NIC/LC has worked to some degree, but I'm still not convinced of her motives. I guess there's only one way to find out and that is to meet with her. I wont suggest it just yet though; maybe even wait for her to suggest a meeting.

 

I actually saw one of our mutual friends earlier this week and she just texted me a little bit ago asking if that friend had asked about her and I. I said yes, they did ask and I told them we broke up. She responded with two text messages, first one was, "What?!", and then, "Did you tell them that we're still talking and working on things?". I then said, "No, I didn't get into details". She seemed somewhat irritated by this. If in her mind we are working on things, this is news to me. I don't consider a trail of breadcrumb text messages as working on things.

 

Teller - Thanks. I'm not going to bring up this dude for now. I'm going to see if the tone of her text messages changes.

 

Walkingman - I'm sorry to hear about your situation. The best advice I can give you right now, although I don't feel as qualified as others on this board, is to try to really stick to NC. And as difficult as it is, don't check her facebook also. I know you're looking for any small sign right now, but just let it be. Trust me, I know where you're coming from. Just take it easy. If at some point she initiates contact, you can then evaluate whether you want to move to NIC/LC. For my situation, once she broke the silence, I found that approach more suitable.

[Thorshammer]

Given that I know she's going to visit some guy, I feel like she's stringing me along until she's able to determine if something can develop with the new guy.

 

People do it, even people you wouldnt expect to. Insecurity and fear is too much for some people when they show interest in a new person, so they hold on to familiarity and comfort (which is you, in other terms, an option). I have had that done to me (flings, not ex's, though I did have an ex try to do that to me, but she knew i wouldnt take her back, so i dont know if i was the back-up guy), and i have done that myself in-between women i was just getting involved with in non-serious "dating".

 

There is never a good reason to do this, and i would hope you would want to deal with someone mature enough not to deceive you. I did this in the most selfish, coldest, and meanest phases of my life, so it takes quite of set of evil balloons to sink that low.

 

I would call her on it and get it done with. Dont waste time, dont be her comfort to run back to. But, if you could go at that pace and be careless and it wont hurt you, then no damage done.

[capjack]

Hope,

If I may be so bold as to suggest that you might be letting your mind run away with things on the other guy thing. I am not saying that your ex is not putting herself in a situation where something could happen, however if you just for a moment try to see what it "might" be in her eyes........."just a trip with the girls".

 

Now from your perspective, she is still damaging the relationship and you are somewhat holding her accountable for a "frame of mind" that she may or may not have.......ie you are letting your emotions rule the day.

 

Trust me when I say I have let that happen in my most recent situation with my girlfriend when I would make assumptions about her intentions about her activities on facebook just to have her refute my accussations with a perfectly logical answer, afterwhich I found myself looking like a complete ass.

 

Here in your situation your action is this cold/hard stance of no contact and it is almost as if you are expecting her to come crawling back to you begging..........well let me tell you where "expectations" get you..........years of regret and second guessing and watching the woman you love eventually marrying someone else because you stood your ground.

 

What is it that you are risking by reaching out to her???

 

Do you lose any dignity or pride by suggesting that you guys meet??

 

Clearly she is wanting to work on it and needs you to meet her halfway............if you beat a dog hard enough and long enough he will not come back even if you are offering him a steak dinner.

 

I have just come to this forum recently but have read thousands of stories of heartache, regret, and loss on another board for support around divorce. You see my marriage of 17 years came crashing down a couple of years ago when I found my ex-wife had an affair, you want to talk about a rollercoaster of emotions...............Sometimes there is but one window of opportunity, one chance, one moment when 2 can come together to find their way again.

 

She is there, trust me.

 

If you truly love this woman you may want to read the following about what love is...........

 

Love is patient, love is kind.

It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking,

it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

 

I hope this helps.

peace

[eternalsunrise]

(Together 4 years, 2 1/2 months into BU)

 

I've been maintaining NIC / LC, focusing on myself and healing. But just the last few days, she's texted me several times saying things like, "I'm still in love with you", "Don't you see me in your future still?", and just about 5 minutes ago, "I miss you". Mind you, I've just learned recently that she's planning a trip with a few girlfriends to go visit some guys, one of whom I believe she has interest in.

 

What gives?!

What gives? Maybe she's *trying* to move on. It's really none of your business that she might be going on a trip and interested in someone new. Is it? How are you actually replying to her messages? If you are maintaining LC/NC then from her point of view you aren't reciprocating and she is trying to heal too and move on. Are you playing games with her?

[winniethepooh]

Sources tell me

And these sources can read her mind? It's second hand information. It might be accurate, it might not be, but I expect she's in pain too, and trying to deal with it the best way she can. If you want to judge her, then leave her alone because that's not going to serve you at all well if you were to end up trying to get back together.

 

Sometimes there is but one window of opportunity, one chance, one moment when 2 can come together to find their way again.

Nicely put.

 

Hopelost, I think there's a possible opportunity here. But you're not focused on that. You're focused on games, and motives, and NC, and trying to be right, and proving her wrong, and seeing what happens, and waiting for her to come to you, and what third parties are saying, and assumptions about other men, and and and ... You're dancing around what might be a real opportunity here, and I think you're forgetting what prompted her to leave you in the first place.

 

Sure, you can continue the NC game to "see what happens" but what happens doesn't just depend on you. It depends on her, and situations she is in, and who she meets, and how her family and friends influence her, and many other things.

 

At the moment it seems to me that she IS coming to you. With fear and trepidation in her heart, and question marks in her own mind, and friends distorting what she thinks and feels, and confusion because she MIGHT be interested in someone else who MIGHT be interested in her and if you're not interested in her then why should she hang around but she wants to know if you're interested in her before she finally tries to let go.

 

Or she's playing games. Well, if you are going to break up, do it properly and leave her alone. But now I think if you do that, you end up in the role of "dumper" with all the feelings that will come with that.

 

If you want to play games, carry on doing what you're doing. If you don't, either talk to her properly or leave her alone.

 

You said yourself, you treated her badly, which prompted her to leave you. Try and see things from her perspective.

 

Actually, to be honest, although I think there's an opportunity to reconcile, I don't think you're ready to, even if you want to (I can't really say about her because I only know what you say about her). It would take a lot of hard work from both of you. But you ARE posting in the Getting Back Together forum, and I sense from reading all your topics that you do have a desire to get back together with her. I also sense a similar desire from her based on what you've written about her behavior and messages.

[winniethepooh]

Interestingly enough I'm quite torn about a reconciliation at the moment given this new guy in the picture. It's one thing to have met him and probably spent time with him while he was in town, but to actually plan a trip to go see him is an entirely different level to me.

This is the part that particularly makes me feel worried about how ready you might be to talk to her about getting back together, let alone if you were to try.

 

Can you not see how quickly you are jumping to conclusions and judgements about someone you apparently still care for a great deal? Those conclusions might not be correct, but they are significantly influencing your opinions and feelings in a way that you might not want. You're playing with words and information here that is not helping you.

[gs1172]

I know this.

 

Did she tell you this through texts or phone as well? If so, it sounds like she is either wanting to see if you are interested in her before she sees this other guy, or she's confused on who she wants and is evaluating by seeing both of you. Either way, I'd question her intentions based on the fact that she is texting you and saying these things, but still taking this trip. Definitely mixed signals. Is she wanting you to 'fight for her'????

[hopelost]

Well, decided to suggest meeting up with her yesterday. She agreed to meet at her place after she had dinner with her girlfriend last night. So I met with her and we talked. I waited for her to bring up the relationship, which she did eventually but not in too much detail. I decided not to press too much and just remained calm and collected. The impression that I got is that she seems to be conflicted still despite some of her most recent text messages. She also expressed a little concern about me going out with my friends lately. Basically hinting around if other women are involved in these outings. I simply answered with, "I'm just having fun with friends", and changed the subject. We continued talking but just kept it very light...to the point where we both started to get pretty tired as it was pretty late by this point. She suggested that I just spend the night. After much thought, I decided to stay. I'm still unsure if I made the right decision by staying, because we ended up having sex. It was great, like old times, but this is something I always wanted to avoid while we are in this broken up state. I guess I wasn't strong enough to resist. I'm hoping this isn't a setback in the overall scheme of things. I'm actually still at her place right now. She had to leave for an appointment, but said I could stay and wait until she gets back. I believe she wants me

to run errands with her when she gets back. I'll likely not wait until she gets back and let her know that I've got some things to do and need to leave. I need to think about my next steps at this point.

[capjack]

Well that is certainly some interesting developements. However I am wondering why you would not want to hang with her........it would seem to me that she is scared to commit back to the relationship. I think that if you leave after having had sex with her you will actually push her away. She might think that is all you are interested in. Typically, sex is a woman's unspoken bond to the relationship. Additionally, if you guys hang out you might have another opportunity to discuss your relationship in more detail. At that point you might be able to gain more insight to her "fears" around commitment.

 

Look you are there, you are at the beginning of reconciliation......it does not get easier from here, it gets harder because you both are going to have to let down your guard a little. The other part of this whole deal is that you also need to re-establish the "friendship" part of the relationship.........and if you think about what is Love after all??? Love is Friendship on Fire.

[DN]

I think you should wait - it would seem a bit insulting to leave as if you used her in some way.